Sunday, April 08, 2007

Repost Sunday: Is There A Nomination Form For Sainthood?

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. Since I'm reposting this particular story on Easter Sunday, I will probably be struck by lightening later today, so this might be my last post. Happy Easter!

I read recently that the Pope named several new saints. Embarrassingly, I was not familiar with any of them, but it got me thinking of whom and what should be eligible for sainthood. Growing up Catholic, I was always reminded of St. Christopher every time we left for a family vacation when my mother said we needed to pray to him for a safe trip. I was also told about St. Anthony, the patron Saint of lost or stolen things. Although I might be abusing this saint’s time when I pray to him daily to help me find my favorite black ink pen that I constantly misplace around my office.

I don’t know how the Pope, Vatican, Electoral College or whoever it is nominates and votes on new saints, but I think there are several that the selection committee has overlooked. There are people who have completely altered the way we live and to the best of my knowledge, none of them are saints. If anyone from the Vatican is reading this, I’ve got a few folks who should be considered for sainthood.

Without a doubt, the first person is Juan Valdez – the Patron Saint of Caffeine, which a coworker of mine pointed out when she sent me an email stating that there is a special place in heaven for Juan Valdez. Just think about it, although if you’ve yet to pour your first cup of coffee for the day, you probably can’t think at all. Saint Juan of Valdez is responsible for our societies being able to start up every day.

Next would be the inventor of the toilet, Thomas Crapper – Patron Saint of Bodily Relievement (I can’t believe my spell check doesn’t think relievement is a real word!). If there were ever someone we need to thank our maker for, it would be Saint Thomas of Crapper. Just imagine what life would be like without his toilet, well not his toilet, I mean his invention, the toilet. Equally important is Willis Haviland Carrier. You probably don’t know who he was, but he invented the modern air conditioner and should become the Patron Saint of Home and Vehicle Cooling. Again, life would be a lot more uncomfortable, not to mention smelly, without him. Without Carrier’s contribution, we’d all smell like garlic – ALL THE TIME! Speaking of garlic, (this is the worst segue ever, by the way) how many meals did you cook in the microwave this week? That’s why my next nomination for sainthood is Percy Spencer, the man who invented it. He should become the Patron Saint of EntrĂ©e Reheating.

Then there are Ray Kroc, Dave Thomas and Colonel Harlan Sanders. We all need to be grateful for their contributions to fast food. All three (I call them the Culinary Triumvirate) need to be named the Co-Patron Saints of Speedy and Convenient Nourishment. I’m using the word nourishment very loosely, but it sounds so much better than fast food. Lastly, Frank Sinatra should be named the Patron Saint of all Things Hip, Cool and Swinging, Too.

While you’d probably agree that all of these individuals are worthy of sainthood, there may be some (if not all) at the Vatican that don’t agree. Maybe we could compromise and create a hall or shrine to induct them into. It would be a category for mere mortals deemed to be just shy of deserving sainthood. We could have a huge annual induction ceremony where we honor them for their contributions to mankind. Why don’t we call them the Saintys? The little gold statues would depict a traditional saint complete with halo. Maybe someone will even broadcast the ceremony.

So there you have it. As society evolves and we reflect upon those who have sacrificed for the better good, it is time to consider broadening the definition of Saint. I don’t know that the Vatican has a website, but if they do, I hope there is a downloadable nomination form for Saints on it. Now what was the name of the guy that invented blogging?

**Author’s note: since I am Catholic, the answer is yes, I am wracked with guilt after writing this sacrilegious post about would-be Saints and will be attending the next confession closest to me**


captain corky said...

"I was also told about St. Anthony, the patron Saint of lost or stolen things".

I could have used this guys help 30 years ago when I lost my Penguin action figure. I still haunts me to this day.

Happy Easter Michael.

Patti said...

this isn't a deep thought, but I take it you like the Simpsons, what with your profile photo and all.

I blogged about Homer on March 7, because I decided to confess that I call my husband Homer, instead of his given name.
I do it for no particular reason, just to amuse myself and possibly him.
A term of endearment, you could say.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

All wonderful nominations but I think miracles and healings are supposed to accompany them. Have you ever seen any images of saints in your coffee stains (that would be the stain of saints sign)? Or miraculously been cured of your hunger by Col. Sanders? I'm not Catholic but can you confess for me too for doing this comment.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I'm with you with the coffee guy. Now if only he'd go and perform three miracles he could be in the running to make...the Catholic's Next Top Saint...coming soon to a tv set near you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I am so neurotic that I used to feel inadequate because I was not a saint.

I am still not even close, but I no longer feel inadequate over this. After all, I have so many other reasons.

CS said...

Uh oh - I may have been following this blog too long, bcause I actually rememeber this one. Still like it, though.