Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ain’t She Sweet?

To many men, I’m sure that the old idea of a pistol-packing mama is pretty cool. Add to that the fact that the PPM is a former Miss America and the deal gets even sweeter. Oh, did I mention that she was crowned Miss America in 1944? The AP ran a story the other day that no matter how hard I tried, I could not resist. It seems the former 82-year-old Miss America caught a thief trying to leave her farm and managed to shoot out the intruder’s tires. The best part of the story (and the part that I’m sure will get mentioned on Saturday Night Live this weekend) is that she had to balance her .38 pistol on her walker as she fired the shots. Woo hoo baby, does it really get any better than that?

In light of all the recent beauty pageant contestants being defamed for various activities, it’s so refreshing to see one that can actually be heroic and worth celebrating. I’m not sure if this beauty queen is always packing heat or just happened to have her gun holstered in her walker, but after already having farm equipment stolen from her barn, she was prepared this time. You know, the last time I went shooting, I did miss a couple of targets. I’m sure I could get my health insurance to spring for a walker in order to help improve the accuracy of my shot. If you’re anything like me, and we all know none of you are, you might be thinking if she’s such a good shot now at 82, she must have been a great shot back in her prime, like around 1944. Hmmm, makes you want to watch the 1944 Miss America pageant a little closer now doesn’t it.

We always think that Miss America is only capable of singing, dancing, maybe juggling, prancing around in a bathing suit and waving and smiling for the cameras at public appearances like the opening of new shopping malls, Crazy Ed’s Used Car and New Stereo Barn and the commissioning of new battleships. Perhaps we have gravely underestimated what our current and former Miss Americas can do.

I say it’s time to alter the Miss America Pageant to make it more modern for our times. Heck, isn’t it now broadcast on CMT for bejeweled crown’s sake? You know, target practice would be right up the CMT viewer’s alley. If the great teacher that is television has taught us one thing, isn’t it that whatever we see on TV is the only indicator of what’s cool, acceptable and necessary to fit in? Yes, of course it is. That’s why we need to make the Miss America contest more closely resemble reality TV – the barometer of our times.

On the first night that the contestants from around the country converge on Atlantic City, they should all be told after dinner that whoever is voted the ugliest by her peers will be sent home that night. It’s cruel, but I’m sure it will make great TV. The rest of the women will be allowed to stay in the Miss America house unless they lose competitions, or ‘challenges,’ held throughout the week leading up to the big telecast. One challenge will be the ability to cross a major thoroughfare with one of her high heels broken. Does anybody remember the 1980s video game Frogger? I kind of picture it being like that.

Another contest will be a singing competition where everyone has to perform a Captain and Tennille classic (don’t mock, there may be more of them than you think) and then be judged by teachers who wear ascots from America’s most prominent performance colleges, if there are such things. If not, any three people from the slots closest to the doors of an Atlantic City casino will do. Finally, they will have to be paired with a professional athlete or mathematician in a ballroom dancing competition. There, I think I covered all of the staples of what makes television good. Oh wait, I forgot Oprah. Yes, they have to appear on Oprah and say something just wild about themselves.

These challenges will whittle the competition down to the top ten where of course the winner will be selected by phone voting participation. But here’s the catch, the phone numbers can only be dialed in India and the former Soviet Block. The winner will be revealed and crowned Miss America the next day during a live 7-hour star-studded television event. Presenters, performers and seat fillers shall include A-list celebrities like Fred Willard, Sherman Helmsley, the voice of the Geico Gecko, Donny Most, Alec Baldwin’s daughter, Pope Benedict, The A-Team and Battlestar Gallactica’s Dirk Benedict (no relation), fishing pro Hank Parker Junior, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger and Celine Dion. The new Miss America will immediately be signed to a Broadway contract to star in my fledgling musical production of ‘Welcome Back Kotter,’ starring Squiggy as Horshack.

And that folks is why I still have yet to be offered a TV development deal. Did I mention the dancing flamingos marching to GI Blues?

16 comments:

Odat said...

Damn and I always thought that Dirk was the Pope's brother!!
Maybe you could get the backing of the NRA for your show, they love attention!

Peace

Josie said...

Michael, you are too funny...! I am going to be laughing all night at the image of the 82 year-old Miss America's gun holstered in her walker. I'll never be able to look at an old dear tottering down the sidewalk in the walker ever the same again.

Thank you for that wonderful image!

Cheers,
Josie

Michael C said...

Odat: I had always thought the Benedict boys did pretty well for themselves.

Josie: I'm going to think twice when I see them at the grocery store now, that's for sure!

mist1 said...

Please remind me to get a pistol in my old age. I'm sure that I will have forgotten by then.

Michael C said...

Mist1: I worry about remembering stuff when I get older too. My biggest fear is that all of the Post-Its I have put up over the years won't be sticky any longer and I won't be able to bend over to pick them up and read them. Boy, aging sure sounds scary...

Patti said...

Yes, aging is a scary concept. But as my blog friend Joan said yesterday, "50 is the new 30" so you have plenty of good years left, Michael. I, on the other hand...
This post was laugh out loud funny, and your A-list of seat fillers is a hoot.
Do you have a "thing" for Celine Dion? I noticed repeat references to her.

And where are all those Post-its? Car? dining room table? bathroom mirror?

Michael C said...

Patti: I absolutely can't stand Celine Dion. The fact that I have referenced her repeatedly scares me and rocks me to my core. What has happened to me???

Patti said...

I don't care for her either.
But Lionel Richie..

Michael C said...

patti: Lionel is the man. I think I'll listen to him driving into work today!

Erica AP said...

How do I get on the show? The only thing is, that I'm no good at math or ball room dancing... :(

Angelina said...

Great story Michael!

I think the beauty pageants aren't 6-year old girls who cry when boys pull their pony-tails. They're tought women who got the guts to compete in contests and have the courage to prove them on stage infront of thousands or sometimes billion of people!

The old 82 year old Miss America proved she's no sissy. Definitly not pistols but I advise my clients to take basic courses in martial arts. They should know how to defend themselves in scary situations you know.

As for your new reality-tv idea - it's cool :-)

But why Celine Dion?? I haven't heard anything from her since the Titanic age. But I sure loved her titanic song 'my heart will go on'. It was so touchy! Didn't you feel so?!?

Natalie said...

I would totally watch your show. I have a sick love for Miss America pageants and this would make them even better. Really though, Fred Willard makes everything better

captain corky said...

I never get tired of reading the name Donny Most. And Squiggy playing the part of Horshack is brilliant!

Patti said...

I can't remember Donny Most. Was he a game show host? I know he wasn't a talk show host.

CS said...

While you're making it more like reality shows, how about making it co-ed. The men can get surgeried and waxed and everything, too. Time to make degredation and objectification more of an equal opportunity event.

Anonymous said...

That lady is my hero! The problem is, I wouldn't remember to get a gun NOW (I'll have forgotten this post by the time I turn off my lap top) and I still have some years to go before I'm eighty... I'm really scared, as I forget my own name (I only did that once, and it didn't take me long to remember!)