Monday, April 30, 2007

I Swear To Tell The Whole Truth…Yeah, That’s The Ticket!

Well, today is National Honesty Day. I guess it’s the day where we are supposed to come clean and be honest. We Catholics just call that confession, but I’ll play along since there is a lot of stuff I have been carrying around and need to get off my chest. I promise to observe the true intent of the day and be completely honest…more or less.

First off, I need to confess a few things to my coworkers. When Jeff Gordon wins a race, they like to give me a hard time when I arrive in the office the following Monday morning. I’ve always played along and laughed warmly with them. What they don’t know and what I need to be honest about is that after they are done ribbing me, I sneak outside into the back parking lot and start breaking wooden pencils to vent my anger. I also release a primal scream like Captain Kirk does when he’s stranded on the planet Genesis after being abandoned there by Kahn (uhhh, or something like that, not to be too specific). It doesn’t really help in any way, but it sure is dramatic. I also need to be honest and admit that whenever I bet my coworkers $5 that they can hit me in the part of my chest that has been numb since surgery, I have to retire to the restroom to whimper and massage my bruises. I guess I now have to give that money back? I’m sure it’s the honest thing to do.

It’s time for me to be honest about the juice stain on the living room floor. It turns out that Lucy and Ethel weren’t really to blame as originally thought. I was helping them pick up toys in there one day when Tavares’ ‘Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel,’ which appeared at the beginning of the ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movie, came on the radio. I decided it would be cute to teach the girls how to do the dance that Cameron Diaz did to that song but I made rear end contact with the juice cup, sending it spilling all over the carpet. Speaking of music, I’m also going to be honest about the fact that despite my previous assurances otherwise, I do indeed sing the high parts of Bee Gees songs to help me relieve stress. Go ahead and try it, it works very well. For some reason though, whenever I sing like that while driving, people think I’m yelling and cussing at them.

I wasn’t being so honest when my wife asked me what makes Danica Patrick so attractive. I told her that men think she’s hot because she drives a racecar. Well, that wasn’t so true. Men would think she was just as hot if she drove a school bus. Of course, I don’t feel that way. OK, I wasn’t being honest there. I do think that way. I have no idea what other men think. Boy, this honesty thing does feel better. One of the secrets I’ve been carrying around for the longest time is about something that happened back in high school. I promised my friend that I wouldn’t tell anyone that she stalled her brother’s automatic transmission car. However, I just couldn’t help myself and had to tell everyone. Seriously, how do you stall an automatic? Of course, I denied ever telling anyone. Yeah, I have no idea where she is now. She hasn’t spoken to me for the last 17 years.

There a few things I haven’t been honest about that actually aren’t bad. I alluded to it a few days ago, but now want to admit that I did invent the at home latte machine. Wow, I can finally take credit for it. I also created the concept of Starbucks for a project I had to do back in the 7th grade. And to think, Starbucks only paid me $250 for it. Why is it I feel like I ended up on the wrong end of that stick? I feel like a hand touching a cup of coffee that doesn’t have one of those cardboard cup protector things around it, which by the way, I invented too. Since I’m on a roll, I need to tell you that I also created the idea of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’ My initial choices for hosts were either Alec Baldwin or Don Imus. Man am I glad ABC talked me into going with Regis. Finally, I am so proud to be able to confess to blogsville that after so many years I can now take credit for creating downloadable music. Ooooh boy, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that. Yeah, since the recording industry will probably come after me now, I should go ahead and tell you that New Coke was my idea too. Please, be gentle.

My heaviest burden is felt at work. For four years, every good idea our office has come up with has been mine. Since I am such a team player, I’ve allowed all of my coworkers to take the credit. OK, I have to be honest again, that’s not true. I’ve been trying for four years to bribe my coworkers with a free lunch so that they would give me their ideas. Maybe I should start taking them somewhere a little nicer than McDonalds as the best idea I have been given so far is to start having crazy suspenders and bow tie Mondays. I seem to be the only one participating and can’t shake the feeling that it was all a big joke.

Well, I feel much better having celebrated National Honesty Day by being so honest with all of you. One last confession though, I made most of this up because I had nothing else to write about today. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe honesty doesn’t feel so good after all…trust me…although I guess I’ve given you no reason to.

21 comments:

Patti said...

Thought I would mosey over (while waiting to call the authorities about an arrest) to see if you were up to anything this afternoon. Blogging at work!
Now be honest and tell us this is not the first time you have done this, Michael.
Thanks for the smiles. OK back to the grindstone for me.

captain corky said...

I have a confession to make... I don't really look like Captain Kirk.

I still got it!

Ralph said...

Well, given your honsety, I think there's a job waiting for you. Write to MIT, Cambridge, MA 02139

Odat said...

I'm so glad you were honest about admitting that you really didn't invent all that stuff!!! (because I did)..(well everything but the suspenders and bow tie day (OMG)...

Peace

Stacey said...

I'll be honest with you, I zoned out halfway through your post.

It was great though!

Michael C said...

Patti: If anyone from work is reading, I posted this after I got home from being in my office all day ;-)

Captain Corky: I'll be laughing about that comment for a long, long time!

Odat: Oh yeah, I forgot you took credit for that stuff when we were dividing our inventions. My bad.

Stacey: Thanks for being so honest ;-)

mist1 said...

I would like to comment on this post, but in my time zone, there is still 27 minutes of Honesty Day left. I'm not feeling honest.

Michael C said...

Mist: At least you were honest about not feeling honest. It takes a truly honest person to speak honestly like that.

Also, why is the 'H' silent in honest? I mean honestly...

ian said...

To be perfectly honest, I've not been reading your blog as much as I should. I'm thoroughly chagrined now. Let's say YAY for the Google Reader, though, because now I get your new entries shoved in my face - I mean, posted where I can see them - every day. :)

Ian

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

We need more honest people like you. So inspired, I confess that I have been only pretending to be a nutcase pretending to be a squirrel. Actually I am a middle age predatory cat! I may be honest but I am still delusional.

Lizza said...

I totally missed Honesty Day. Well, I missed it but I didn't miss it, if you get what I mean.

No? Well, never mind. I'm honestly disappointed you didn't invent all those things you said, though.

Patti said...

Off topic: re: Saturday's post, I guess I misunderstood BBQ. I thought that only meant barbecued ribs, or chicken. Didn't know you were simply cooking on the grill. Or "grilling" as we say in these parts.
Do you put barbecue sauce on steak? That could explain it. ;-)

Patti said...

P.S. I used to watch "To Tell the Truth" way back when. Isn't that Kitty Carlisle sitting on the panel? Not quite sure. Kitty just died last week at age 95.

Reflecting Pool said...

In order not to lie I'll just keep quiet! Thanks for the warning.

Michael C said...

Ian: Thanks for visiting. I'll have to check out the Google Reader. Anything that will do the reading instead of me is perfect!

Lone Grey: Don't worry, I'm delusional too.

Lizza: I'm missing your point ;-)
I tried inventing those things and then someone told me they had already been invented so it would be a waste of my time ;-)

Patti: I do BBQ too. I do pulled pork, ribs and occasionally mess up a brisket. Lots of time and lots of smoke = yummy!

I have actually heard of Kitty Carlisle.

Reflecting Pool: You are very welcome!

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I'm very clumsy and forgetful (okay, I'm a blonde dumbass)...and lately I've been blaming my mom's puppy for my stupidity and clumsiness. Granted, most of the stuff she does do...but only because I'm stupid enough to let her do them.

Michael C said...

Silver: I never thought of blaming my dog Mabel. That's a great idea!

Patti said...

Our son blames the cat all the time for stuff that goes wrong.

Erica AP said...

Your honesty makes me want to become a better person. For this I'd like to confess that the other day I danced around, played air bass guitar, and pretended to be a rockstar, to my old bands CD. I feel so much better now... Thanks.

Robb said...

I swear that tell the truth that I swear every single day in various languages.

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