Will The Next President Really Be Worth One Billion Dollars?

That’s what I was asking myself after reading about how the 2008 Presidential campaign could very well become the first to cost over a billion dollars. Gee, do you think it has anything to do with the fact that the ‘campaign season’ started so incredibly early this year? The increases are attributed to needing more staffers earlier, internet and marketing requirements, etc. I wonder what we will get for this increased cost of the 2008, I mean 2006-2008 campaign.

Maybe it’s because I grew up watching the Six Million Dollar Man (or was it called the Bionic Man, I’ve never been sure), but if you ask me, something worth one billion dollars should be pretty special. To justify the incredible cost of electing our nation’s next President, I hope we’re getting something spectacular. To me (and probably to me only), our next President (who I will refer to as President X so I don’t have to keep typing the phrase ‘our next President’) should possess either superhuman or technology enhanced powers. Man, now I can’t get the names Bionic Obama, High-Tech Hillary and Juiced Up Giuliani out of my head.

I’m talking about powers that will allow President X to single handedly take on the entire axis of evil without back-up, military intervention or having to put down his latte emblazoned with the Presidential seal. For one billion dollars, President X should be able to get a bill through Congress or veto a bill by merely waving his or her hand. The one billion dollar powers will allow President X to speak in New York and then appear on the West Coast a mere 5 minutes later. If an engine on Air Force One ever fails, President X will be able to will the plane safely to the ground. President X could balance the budget in a single bound. Come to think of it, for that type of money, the next time someone tests a missile capable of delivering a nuclear warhead, the President will be expected to knock it out of the air with his laser-enhanced vision. It’ll make the Star Wars/SDI initiative look like an ancient philosophical pipe dream and the idea of walking softly and carrying a big stick obsolete.

Of course all powers can be used for bad as well as good so we need to be very careful of who we elect if President X were expected to possess powers worthy of a billion dollar price tag. We need to make sure that the President can’t hypnotize the nation with special Scooby-Doo inspired spinning wheel eyes into following his agenda whenever he speaks to us on television. What if President X could kiss a baby or shake a hand and instantly convert that person into a member of his political party forever? That really doesn’t seem fair to the opposition party now, does it?

There is the potential that President X could do more harm than good. The President could literally crush his/her opponents in a debate or use the Darth Vader elevated death choke on members of Congress who oppose his/her legislation to turn the Virgin Islands into the new Camp David. It would be no use to try to stop President X with force since the billion dollar powers would render the secret service useless. Bullets would bounce off President X and he/she would only laugh mockingly at the threat of impeachment. To picture President X, just imagine Max Headroom combined with The Incredible Hulk having the personality of Jack Nicholson’s Joker in Batman and Simon Cowell.

Hopefully this chilling insight into electing our next President in a billion dollar election will inspire or scare us enough into exercising our responsibility to vote. I guess November 2008 will answer the question of what you can get for one billion dollars. I’m hoping it includes the ability to increase the speed limit, make downloading music free and a tax rebate for blogging. A way to ensure that Studio 60 and 30 Rock on NBC aren’t cancelled would be nice too…