Stop The World, Britney Shaved Her Head!

Of all the news that occurred over the weekend, no story has carried on like Britney’s freshly shaven noggin (and yes, I do realize the irony of me complaining about a story continuing to get attention while I am contributing to that by writing about it, thank you very much). This weekend saw the rescue of climbers off a snow covered mountain, one of the best Daytona 500 finishes ever and the second highest scoring NBA All-Star Game ever played (show’s you where my interest was this weekend). But of all those things and all the other ‘real’ news of the weekend, what was everyone talking about when I got into the office today? Yep, Britney’s bald head.

I’m still figuring out why this was news in the first place. It’s not as if she died, gave up music, had a murder committed in her home or even donated her locks to charity. I hear that they are even interviewing the lady who cut her hair. When hairdos (or hair don’ts) of the rich and famous become major news stories, we have a problem. Heck, I haven’t shaved since last Thursday and no one has said a word, although if I go the next 6 days without showering, I bet that would generate some buzz

I don’t know if you are keeping track of the ways to stay in the limelight as I am, but let me give you a refresher. When it comes to press attention, here’s the breakdown. A divorce is good for a few months, a baby is worth a few days (unless you give a major magazine an exclusive cover shot), dropping a child is worth a week, rehab is worth two weeks plus a bonus 2 weeks after you are released and a major hair style change is worth at least a holiday weekend’s worth of coverage. Throw in a crying, soul-baring exclusive on any major TV news magazine program and you earn another week.

Since I have been studying so hard, here’s what I am going to do to generate more interest in my blog. First off, I’m going to start writing more hard-hitting stories. I will make most of the stuff up and probably lose all my friends in the process, but I promise it will be provocative. Then after that, I have a planned nervous breakdown followed by me letting my Lucy and Ethel get photographed doing something outrageous. Sure I’ll take the blame, but it’ll garner me more press attention. If all goes to plan, I will be shaving my head the last weekend of March and checking into rehab for my addiction to PEZ shortly after.

I also have a wild time planned with Bob Newhart and Fred Willard (assuming of course that either one of them bother to return my calls) in Las Vegas at a party thrown by Wayne Newton (assuming of course that he has a party and then actually invites me to it). We will come to be known as The Bad Boy Crown Princes of Geriatric Old School Comedy and the paparazzi will follow our every outrageous move, like reusing our plates at local buffets and tipping cocktail waitresses excessively. I am currently soliciting offers for someone to write a tell-all book about my blog and my exploits that should hit the stands in the next six months. Assuming I worked my timeline correctly, I anticipate generating approximately 20 more blog hits per month by the fall.

Then after all of that is complete, I can take to the airwaves for an infomercial about my CD home course on how to be popular like Britney or Paris Hilton. You get all 12 CDs for just 6 ‘easy pay’ donations of $99.99 plus 3 months free access to my live operators who are standing by to help you do something stupid enough to ensure that Access Hollywood will send a camera crew out to you within 40 minutes, no matter where you are. But that’s not all; you get two tickets to one of my Be Popular seminars and a set of stainless steel knives actually used on the Food Network by Rachael Ray herself. Act now…