Thursday, February 22, 2007

Chimps Use Spears

I read the above words online and could not believe that the media had found another way to keep Britney in the press. Turns out to my surprise that it wasn’t about Britney at all, but about the fact that chimps have been witnessed making their own spears and sharp tools to hunt primates known as ‘lesser bushbabies’ (can you image a worse name than one that has the word lesser in the title?) who sleep inside hollow branches and tree trunks. (You know, while proof reading this it occurred to me that you might think I was making this up, but sadly and with a tinge of envy, I am not) The story says that the researcher who witnessed this behavior was ‘flabbergasted’ at this chimp behavior. Of course, the chimps also fashioned tools to shave their heads, which you’d imagine would be even more flabbergasting.

The fact that chimps are capable of creating weapons should put us all on alert. I’d recommend that Homeland Security escalate our color-coded warning system, but I’m not sure which color we’re on and which color best matches what I plan on wearing to work tomorrow (although in all honesty, you could pick any color because it’s Hawaiian shirt Friday – now, how to convince my boss that a tank top and cargo shorts are Hawaiian attire). After watching ‘Flipper’ torpedo enemies with his nose while I was a kid and ‘Gentle Ben’ not being so gentle, I’m beginning to now wonder if animals we assume are so intelligent or semi-docile actually have the capability of being cold blooded killers. Remember when one of Sea World’s whales attacked its trainer late last year? I guess I’m just getting overly paranoid about all of this evil animal stuff, but I did get home late and Mabel, my Golden Retriever, was giving me some pretty dirty looks when I fed her a few hours after her normal feeding time -- looks like it’s going to be a long night for me.

I know for sure that our cat hates me and now I’m beginning to figure out why she keeps scratching her claws on the metal filing cabinet in our computer room. She’s obviously sharpening her claws preparing for my demise. When I saw her on the kitchen table last night, I just assumed she was sniffing my Diet Cherry Coke Zero (that plug seems shameless now, but when Coke realizes all the free attention I’m giving them, my product integration strategy won’t seem so embarrassing). It’s now all becoming much clearer. Figaro slipped something into my Coke so that she can get rid of me and finally claim what she feels is her side of the bed.

I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to think that the animal kingdom is mad as heck and they aren’t going to take it anymore. We used to think that the worst thing a primate could do was fling their feces at the window when we mocked them at the zoo, but the fact that they have gotten into weapons manufacturing makes the poo pitching pale by comparison. Now that our little evolutionary cousins are in the weapons making business, can we truly be safe? What’s next? Will they trade weapons for the secret of man’s red fire (why do I hear the voice of King Louis Prima in the back of my head)? Will they want to be like us, walk like us and talk like us? Will they want to be human, too?

The paranoia is probably brought on by the shock of reading about weapons making monkeys, but it seems like history has turned another tragic corner. On the other hand, maybe it’s because we just finished watching the ‘Jungle Book’ and I started a new medication tonight. Wait, what was I writing about again and why is the cat smiling at me like that?

13 comments:

lizza said...

What a funny--and scary!--post. Maybe they'll overtake us in the evolutionary process somehow, and one day a chimp will say something like "I gotta get this human off my back."

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Squirrels are your friend. Squirrels are not evil. There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that there is an evil squirrel army waiting to enslave humans to work in their nut mines. No. Squirrels do not want to take over your homes. Squirrels are not after your nuts!

Hope you are re-assured. Muhahahahahaha.

Odat said...

Well what do you expect them to do? They're probably watching us and imitating what we humans do..

Thanks for the suggestion of matching what I'm wearing with the Homeland color coded warning system!!! LOL

Peace

captain corky said...

After reading this post the first thing that came to mind was an image of Lady Liberty's head in the sand.

PS can you send me some of that medication?

Meloncutter said...

It's funny that you caught this. I recently re-posted a post about chimps moving up the ladder because we are stupiding ourselves to extinction. Your post just re-affirms my thinking on this.

Good Post.

and watch those chimps at the zoo..... they may get ya...

Later Y'all

etain_lavena said...

Tree words...Planet of the apes...o its four....but do you see my fear;)
Watch that cat she will get you when you least expect it....dont ever sleep...:)

Dan said...

I’d recommend that Homeland Security escalate our color-coded warning system

I'm laughing out loud dude! This is one of your funniest pieces.

I think we should send all the chimps to Guantanamo.

Natalie said...

I think it is wicked awesome. I knew they could do it. I bet there is all kinds of stuff chimps do when not being studied that would send us straight to the madhouse if we knew about it. They would totally come for us eventually but maybe we will all be dead by then.

notfearingchange said...

that was funny....

i'm not sure how your mind works - but i like it.

Abigail S said...

Definitely Planet of the Apes. Very scary indeed.

I dunno about the poo/weapon issue. I think I'd rather be speared than poo'd.

The ultimate worst- being poo'd on by Spears. Blah!

Diesel said...

They'll tire of Spears soon and move on to Fergie.

CSL said...

Just before I went to Africa last summer, someone called my attention to a story about a band of rogue chimps who attacked some folks on a tour bus, injuring several people. I figured they wanted a cut of all that tourist money. So, yeah, I think you're absoluetely right - mad as heck and not gonna take it anymore.

Violet said...

I read about it in the paper, but it took a slightly different angle. apparently most the chimps seen making and using spears were female or young male. and this suggested that human's weapons were probably first created and used by women, to make up for lack of brawn.