Chimps Use Spears

I read the above words online and could not believe that the media had found another way to keep Britney in the press. Turns out to my surprise that it wasn’t about Britney at all, but about the fact that chimps have been witnessed making their own spears and sharp tools to hunt primates known as ‘lesser bushbabies’ (can you image a worse name than one that has the word lesser in the title?) who sleep inside hollow branches and tree trunks. (You know, while proof reading this it occurred to me that you might think I was making this up, but sadly and with a tinge of envy, I am not) The story says that the researcher who witnessed this behavior was ‘flabbergasted’ at this chimp behavior. Of course, the chimps also fashioned tools to shave their heads, which you’d imagine would be even more flabbergasting.

The fact that chimps are capable of creating weapons should put us all on alert. I’d recommend that Homeland Security escalate our color-coded warning system, but I’m not sure which color we’re on and which color best matches what I plan on wearing to work tomorrow (although in all honesty, you could pick any color because it’s Hawaiian shirt Friday – now, how to convince my boss that a tank top and cargo shorts are Hawaiian attire). After watching ‘Flipper’ torpedo enemies with his nose while I was a kid and ‘Gentle Ben’ not being so gentle, I’m beginning to now wonder if animals we assume are so intelligent or semi-docile actually have the capability of being cold blooded killers. Remember when one of Sea World’s whales attacked its trainer late last year? I guess I’m just getting overly paranoid about all of this evil animal stuff, but I did get home late and Mabel, my Golden Retriever, was giving me some pretty dirty looks when I fed her a few hours after her normal feeding time -- looks like it’s going to be a long night for me.

I know for sure that our cat hates me and now I’m beginning to figure out why she keeps scratching her claws on the metal filing cabinet in our computer room. She’s obviously sharpening her claws preparing for my demise. When I saw her on the kitchen table last night, I just assumed she was sniffing my Diet Cherry Coke Zero (that plug seems shameless now, but when Coke realizes all the free attention I’m giving them, my product integration strategy won’t seem so embarrassing). It’s now all becoming much clearer. Figaro slipped something into my Coke so that she can get rid of me and finally claim what she feels is her side of the bed.

I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to think that the animal kingdom is mad as heck and they aren’t going to take it anymore. We used to think that the worst thing a primate could do was fling their feces at the window when we mocked them at the zoo, but the fact that they have gotten into weapons manufacturing makes the poo pitching pale by comparison. Now that our little evolutionary cousins are in the weapons making business, can we truly be safe? What’s next? Will they trade weapons for the secret of man’s red fire (why do I hear the voice of King Louis Prima in the back of my head)? Will they want to be like us, walk like us and talk like us? Will they want to be human, too?

The paranoia is probably brought on by the shock of reading about weapons making monkeys, but it seems like history has turned another tragic corner. On the other hand, maybe it’s because we just finished watching the ‘Jungle Book’ and I started a new medication tonight. Wait, what was I writing about again and why is the cat smiling at me like that?