Time Is (About To Be) On My Side

I am about to be given the gift of time. It will be approximately 5 hours every Sunday, 3 hours every Saturday and 2 hours every Friday night. Are the twins beginning some sort of extracurricular activity? No. Did I lose my job? Not yet. Am I out of charcoal for the grill? Well, almost, which reminds me…but that’s not the answer either.

The NASCAR season is just about over. Or, you could say that the checkered flag is about to wave on the NASCAR season, but that would be lame. Although I just did say it. Oops. At any rate, the last races for all three series that I watch (yes, there are actually three major series competing. You don’t get that with your little stick and ball sports) will be run this Friday night through Sunday evening. When you throw in qualifying shows, pre-race shows and post-race shows, that’s at least 15 hours a weekend I am about to get back until early February. While I should probably be excited by this dramatic annual turn of events, I am more nervous about how that time will be spent. I realize that for most people getting more time in the weekend would be a blessing. What sucks is that my left thumb and index finger are just getting into mid-season shape. Gone is the agonizing pain experienced when I use my TiVo’s remote. It has been replaced by a slight tingling sensation and I am currently navigating through commercial breaks quicker than I have in the last three racing seasons. It’s really a shame to have to call it quits when I am running like a well-oiled sports watching machine.

Knowing that I should put this newfound time to better use, I sat down last night and prepared a list of things that could (or need) to be done between next Sunday night and the 2nd weekend of February. And let me tell you folks, it’s a very long list. Did you know that they give kids homework in Kindergarten? Heck, did you realize that Lucy and Ethel are now in Kindergarten? I missed that somehow, though I have been told they started Kinder somewhere between lap 85 of the Pepsi 400 at Daytona and lap 219 of the Chicago race. I’m not quite sure how I missed that.

I also have new grass that has reached the heights of a resting hippo propped up by bricks on top of a suspension bridge (ya know, for comparative illustration). It seems that this grass needs to be mowed. The scuttlebutt around the house is that we may or may not have a fully-grown golden retriever making her home in it too. And if that wasn’t enough, I keep being told that I was hospitalized during the August Watkins Glen race weekend. This probably explains the substandard food I vaguely recall tasting while watching those races.

Obviously experiencing the shock of having so much more free time can be dangerous, especially for someone with a weak heart, so I am going to start out utilizing my new free time very slowly. The first non-race weekend happens to be Thanksgiving weekend so I can devote myself to holiday decorating and shopping. Fine, I’ll be honest: I am going to be eating lots of things containing turkey, turkey byproducts and things inspired by turkey. I call it Turkey Marathon week. You’ll know I’ve reached the end of Turkey Marathon week when I am pureeing it for use as a coffee creamer. Don’t gag chuckle, the taste grows on you after the first 5-6 cups.

It has occurred to be that I could use the extra 15 hours each weekend to begin a new hobby. Currently, the closest thing I have to a hobby is blogging and arguing with my twins that I am in fact ‘in charge.’ Obviously you can tell that I am in need of a new hobby, or a ‘real’ hobby. There are a lot of things that I am interested in. I am tempted to make small ships inside of glass bottles that you always see in tourist shops in coastal towns, but I can foresee myself being heartbroken and inconsolable after wrecking the first ship while trying to cram it into said bottle. Perhaps I could call the first miniature ship I build the ‘Edmund Fitzgerald,’ which will then help me better accept the fact that it is wrecked.

I tried golfing once but kept trying to swing the clubs like I would swing a baseball bat and it blistered every finger on both hands and I can tell you that vicious rumors can be directed at people with blisters on every finger. Being able to build things has always intrigued me. The only problem with that is I don’t follow directions very well and promised several members of my family, a few good friends and a couple of social workers that I would let other people build things after I assembled the twins’ wagon one Christmas and we had a little ‘issue’ with a stray wheel getting away during a leisurely wagon ride. There was also an issue with a play set, tricycle and that sparking episode with the motorized bikes that they received last Christmas. Let’s just say that the term ‘hot rods’ now has a new meaning. I can also now tell you that companies don’t usually place extra parts in their packages; they are usually meant to be included in the final completed piece. Huh, who knew?

Maybe I’ll play it safe and enroll myself in a culinary school. Surely, with the current writer’s strike the Food Network would be interested in a show solely about cheese. Now that folks, is time well spent…

Did You Ever?

Did you ever stop in the middle of getting dressed for work, say ‘screw it’ and throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, head downstairs and play with the kids for a little while longer?

Did you ever find yourself watching your young child (or any young child of importance in your life) and just get lost in wonderment and amazement at their growth, ability, happiness, innocence and freedom from concern, only to be interrupted by the same amazing young child saying ‘uh, why are you staring at me?’

Did you ever pull up to a bumper to bumper line of commuters on the way to work in the morning and fight the urge to turn around and just keep driving in the other direction until you end up somewhere either familiar or entirely new?

Did you ever worry that you are doing something that is 180 degrees from what you should be doing? I mean 90 degrees is ok, but 180 is really pushing it. And let’s face it; at 360 degrees, we’re all just running around in circles.

Did you ever find yourself completely unmotivated at work and start watching everyone around you working as hard as they can only to feel more unmotivated than before?

Did you ever try to break up the aforementioned period of unmotivation by launching something into your coworker’s cubicle?

Did you ever forget to TiVo something and then everyone at work is talking about how great it was when you get in the next morning?

Did you ever get busted by HR for blogging at work and ask the HR investigator if he at least found your blog entertaining since it had taken up so much of his time?

Did you ever trip during your morning walk in front of dozens and dozens of early morning commuters and then find yourself asking odd questions for the remainder of the day while listening to your mix CD of ‘ballads’ by Willie Nelson?

Finally, A Picture Of Me...

And now for something completely different...

I bring you my chest. Yes, I know, it's a bit adult to be showing a bare chest, but when I saw this x-ray of my chest (taken from the side to help you orient yourself to what you are looking at) at the doctor's office the other day, I had to have a copy. So, 13 phone calls, 2 forms and $20 bucks later, I have my own copy of my own x-ray of my own chest. Granted, I still had to photograph it while holding it up because they don't have copies digitally (hence the horrible bright light in the middle that makes it look like I have been infected with a glow stick), but I finally have a copy.

Why did I want a copy so badly? Well, the red arrow shows my artificial heart valve and the big red circle on the right shows all of the wires that pulled my chest shut (you can click on it for a larger view, that's what she said). And I wonder why I get a stabbing pain down the middle of my chest at times...that's a joke. Honestly, I didn't even know I had wires in me. That's not a joke.

The One About UFOs Because I Couldn’t Think Of A Better Title

According to a Reuters news story from Monday, an international panel has asked the US government to reopen its UFO investigations. It also asked the government to open up its ‘Elvis is Dead’ file and to publish all of its research on the Flying Soda Bottle phenomenon. I however am going to focus on the UFO thing, although for the record, flying soda bottles can count as UFOs. There is however no truth to the rumor that the same panel has asked the government to open the doors to Hef’s Playboy Mansion.

A lot of people have reported seeing UFOs. Sometimes they are witnessed by groups and other times by lone individuals on dark highways in backwoods. Although it is somewhat embarrassing, I am going to use this blog to say that I have had my fair share of UFO sightings. I realize I may be ridiculed, but I have seen more than one UFO. Since I have shared that fact, I guess I should go ahead and give you the details of the sightings I have experienced.

- September 17th, 2003. During a feeding for my twins there was a soft dull rumble followed by what can only be described as something resembling egg nog mixed with cottage cheese is flying across the room. I was too horrified to reach for my camera.

- July 4th, 1996. During our annual 4th of July softball game I was playing centerfield. I momentarily took my eyes off the game to look at a girl strolling by the park. Next thing I know I hear a big ruckus and look up just in time to see an unidentified sphere just seconds before it glances off my head. This was followed by lots of laughing so I decided not to report it. There appears to have been many witnesses as the sighting is still referenced to this day

- November 3, 2002. While changing one of my newborn’s diapers, I turn away from the stinky subject and turn back around just as I see something streaming through the air. It was a yellowish liquid and therefore does not qualify as a traditional flying object. However, I saw it and that is all that matters.

- August 5th, 1997. While driving south on Interstate 15, I look up just as a UFO is striking my windshield. The same windshield I had paid to have replaced just two weeks prior. Damn UFO cost me a $150 deductible…and I never even saw it, just its aftermath.

- Thanksgiving, 1983. After the family meal of turkey, pie and a few libations, my drunk Aunt decided to show us her ‘special’ trick. This time, the UFO looked to be of the dental variety. It flew across the room and I have not been able to watch Florence Henderson do a Polydent commercial since.

- March 13th, 2007. During a ‘team building exercise’ involving nerf guns while we were supposed to be on a conference call, I hear a pop and just as I look up, I see a UFO sailing over my cubicle wall into the crowded public lobby of my office. We all scatter quickly. The UFO was never returned to us.

- September 29th, 1996. It is my first day of golf class so that I can complete my coursework and graduate from college. I am practicing my golf swing with a 3 wood while lined up with 22 of my classmates. Next thing I know, what looks like the same 3 wood is hurling through the air directly to my left. I notice that my hands are now suspiciously empty and thinking of nothing else to say, yell ‘fore!’

- June 6th, 2007. While teaching Lucy and Ethel how to hit Whiffle Balls off a tee, I am struck quickly and violently by a UFO in the Manitalia. This UFO sighting felt like it was followed by an alien probing. It hurt. That’s why I don’t talk about it.

A Bullet A Day…

As the random thoughts begin to build up in the head, one of two things can happen. You can internalize them and eventually forget them, you can keep adding to them so you are replacing the ones you’ve forgotten about or you can share them with other people and call it a blog post. Wait, that’s three, isn’t it? See what happens when the randomicity builds up?

So, I guess it’s time to commit them to paper and call it a blog post. Unfortunately, I have already internalized last’s week’s list of random things and they have all been forgotten. Perhaps it’s better that way as it gives people less to hold against me if they are ever looking for dirt. And here we go…

* Is it really a bad thing when the manufacturer of a drug for constipation lists diarrhea as a possible side effect? Isn’t that more or less the goal of the med to begin with?

* Do student drivers REALLY learn how to drive in true traffic conditions when driving a car with huge ‘student driver’ signs all around it and the hazard lights on while riding the brakes? Judging by the degree of caution with which everyone was driving around her, I’m really guessing not.

* Taking fashion advice from a 5-year old wearing a feather boa, pink tights and brown cowboy boots is never a good idea, especially when it is fashion advice about ‘office clothes.’

* Why do I keep buying all of Garth Brooks’ ‘new’ CDs when they all contain the same old material? I mean I’m now starting to sing ‘I’ve got friends in OLD places…’

* Why do I get hungry when I get bored? Why can’t I get the irresistible urge to exercise or something like that?

* If you EVER spill something in your lap at work, be careful how much you clarify that you actually spilled something. Saying it too many times gets people suspicious as to what you are hiding.

* ‘We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there’ is a VERY underutilized business catch phrase, especially when associated with discussing progress towards sales goals.

* For a fun time at work, sit at your desk in front of your computer keyboard and sway quickly from side to side like Ray Charles used to. Then, when someone asks what you are doing, in a laid back voice just tell them that ‘I’m really feelin’ the work today baby’ and follow it by leaning back, clapping, kicking one leg in the air and laughing. I’m mean not that I’ve done this or anything. I’m just sayin’…

What To Do In ‘08

Well, we are now inside of a year until the next Presidential election. I know with the constant debates and everyone announcing their candidacy that you thought the election should be just a month or so away, but nope, it’s still a year from now. It got me to thinking about whether or not anyone (like me for instance) would actually want to be President. I suppose there have to be some perks to it, other than the obvious ones like Air Force One, my own seal (the type you put on jackets and shirts, not the type at SeaWorld, although that might become a ‘pet project’ of my administration) and having your own personal chef. And I’m pretty sure the White House bathrooms must be amazing. Well, at least the West Wing made it all look so cool (yes Bran, I said West Wing).

I’m not the best golfer, but I imagine that if I became President I would start winning a lot more rounds. The same probably goes for bowling and baccarat. Granted I’ve never played baccarat, but that’s because I don’t own a tuxedo. If I was President, I would have to have a tux and then I could play baccarat more often. Although this fun would be more than tempered by the fact that I would be required to wear suits or just pants in general. It seems that most Presidents consider relaxing clothes to be slacks and a polo shirt. I got news for ya, that is what I always thought ‘dressing up’ was. Man, it must suck to be President.

As fun as I previously thought it might be to become President, think of the liberties you give up by becoming the leader of the free world. It’s rather ironic when you stop to think about it. For example, does the FBI monitor your emails and computer usage in the White House? Because if they do half as good a job as my employer’s HR Department does, forwarding funny emails and the ‘Check It Out, I’m The President And Now I Order You To Read My Blog’ blog would most certainly come to an end. One can only assume that getting to watch 4 hours of NASCAR every Sunday would end too. To get on their good side though, I’d invite the FBI to come up and watch the Office and 30 Rock in the White House theater every Thursday. I’d even serve Juju Bees because everything is more fun with Juju Bees.

Then comes the eating stuff. It HAS GOT to be a perk to be able to have a chef at your beck and call. What worries me though is if the chef ever cuts you off and is forced by his job contract to stop you from eating too much. ‘Sorry Mr. President, you’ve had a few too many Monte Christos tonight, why don’t you head upstairs to the residence and get some rest. When that happens you are left trying to smuggle food into the White House, which only gets the food delivery guy jumped by the Secret Service. It’s an ugly vicious cycle…

If you become President, people start caring overnight about what you have to say. This means that you need to be very careful when speaking your mind. We all say things in private that we probably would not say in public. When you become President, there will always be someone there to take note of your thoughts. Once again, if I were President, I could instantly damage the United States’ agricultural industry and the efforts of parents everywhere who try in vain every night to get their children to eat vegetables when I am overheard saying ‘dangit, not green beans again. You know how much I hate eating vegetables. Why isn’t there more fried food on my plate?’

There is one perk of being President I could get used to though. That would be getting to attend sporting events and throwing out the first pitches and saying ‘Gentleman, I am the President, now please start your engines…’ Yeah, that would be fun. I’d be concerned about inviting all of the winning teams to the White House for photos though. I’m a very harsh sports fan (just ask Jeff Gordon – yeah, that was me yelling at you in September at the California Speedway). There is no way I could invite a sports team I did not like to the White House without expressing my dislike for them. I don’t think a President would be thought of very highly when he whispers to the team captain something like ‘enjoy your time here because I root against you and if it were up to me you’d be picking up trash on the highway’ or ‘you know you only won because you cheated, right) in between photo poses.

Yeah, perhaps the presidency is not for me. Not that I’d ever GET elected. As soon as the press and the guys hired by the opposition to dig up dirt on me come across my blog, I’d be finished. Seriously, I did an entire post on eggnog not long ago.

Let’s Hear John Mellencamp Sing About This Small Town

I read recently that there was a small town listed for bid on E-Bay, if I read correctly (since I can no longer locate the story, but I swear I’m not making it up). Apparently it was just a few buildings but because it used to have a post office it can be considered a town. How cool would it be to own a town? Very, I say. I could buy a town and join the ranks of other famous town owners like Kim Basinger and even Walt Disney. I know Walt did not own a town, but I am choosing to give him credit for Disneyland.

When you buy a town, I wonder if you get to rename it. I hope so. I’d hate to spend that type of money and be stuck with someone else’s town name. I think I’d call it something that would be easy to read on a small map and could be readily understood by everyone passing through. The name of my town would be Michael’s Town. I realize it’s an exclusive sounding name, but the town would be very inviting and open to all. Where the money would come from to establish this town is beyond me, especially after paying to obtain the town in the first place. So, we’ll just assume that I have the money to both buy AND fix up the town. To help you better imagine my town, I am trying for something between Mayberry and New Rochelle (bonus points to anyone who knows what show was set in New Rochelle), although I’ve only seen both of those towns in black and white, so maybe I should shoot for Oz. That had plenty of color from what I remember.

That all being said, I would commission a beautiful sign at the border of my town welcoming everyone. I would seek out corporate sponsorship to somehow offset the cost of the sign (and the town), so the sign may read something like: ‘Welcome To Michael’s Town, sponsored by Coca-Cola and presented by Procter and Gamble.’ Yeah, corporate sponsorship is always a last result, but think of what the additional funds will let me do with my town.

There would definitely need to be an old-fashioned main street in my town complete with gazebo where people could perform and public celebrations could be held. It shall be called the Chevron Gazebo, presented by Frito-Lay. My town would also need a gas station, bowling alley, laser tag facility, mini-golf course, bounce house birthday place, movie theater, town hall, fire house and old-fashioned candy store/malt shoppe (notice the fancy ‘e’ on the end there?). Oh, it would need a Bar-B-Ques galore, too. Seriously, have you ever seen a town without a Bar-B-Ques Galore? Ok, a SUCCESSFUL town without one. And a Chili’s. Every town needs a Chili’s. How awful would it be to live in a town where you couldn’t drop everything and go order an Awesome Blossom whenever you felt like it? Maybe they can get a way with that stuff over in Crapsville, but most certainly not in Michael Town.

Since I paid for the town, I believe that entitles me to mayorialship (my word, but feel free to use it). Having never held public office, I don’t know what my mayorialship would require of me, but I’m hoping it’s stuff like judging pie eating contests, beauty contests, figuring out how to spend the town’s money and lots of ‘official’ afternoon naps. I’m also counting on an oversized pair of scissors I can carry around for official ribbon cuttings (and for use as a theft deterrent and my lawn care/shrubbery needs). A sash that says ‘Mayor’ would be pretty snazzy too. I’d like a top hat, but if I have to choose between them, I’ll take the sash.

I suppose folks are going to want to live in my town, so a homebuilder would be necessary. And once you build homes, you need grocery stores and sprinklers and a newspaper. Then comes a police force, schools, eventually an airport, a dump, a hospital and then a McDonalds, though not in that order, so you can call off your lawyer goons Mickey D’s. Wow, this is going to get expensive. I think the first thing I’ll do as mayor will be to pass a law declaring that deficit spending is ok and that I will need to raise taxes. To avoid having too high a tax rate I will open corporate sponsorship up to all public facilities. The school can be sponsored by Elmer’s glue, the police station by ‘Cops’ on FOX, the dump by Hefty Trash Bags and the airport by Southwest Airlines. For fun I could try to get Burger King to sponsor McDonalds. Lastly, I would consent to Terminex Pest Control sponsoring the mayor’s house. Imagine how cool the house would look with a big plastic bug lying on its back on the roof. We can put a red nose on it at Christmas time.

On second thought, just thinking of all this stuff is making me tired. Perhaps I’ll just buy the town and ‘flip’ it for a profit. I’ve watched people ‘flip’ properties on HGTV, so it can’t be too hard to unload a town that I paid way too much for, right? Oh crap, now I’m gonna be paranoid.

It’s That’s What She Said Day, I Say.

Well, ok, Brandy and I have declared it to be TWSS Day. Since the day incorporates bloggers from both the US and Canada, I guess it’s an international day. The use of TWSS has really taken off thanks to Michael Scott of The Office. It’s something I can remember saying as kid, but then I said a lot of things when I was a kid like ‘awesome,’ ‘gnarly,’ ‘totally awesome’ and ‘scrumptious’ (although I think I only said that one once…I got some stares, felt uncomfortable and removed it from my vocabulary forever).

Since it’s International TWSS Day, I thought I would take the time to inform you about how and how not to use such a powerful phrase. Having the ability to say TWSS is an amazing responsibility because if done correctly, you are guaranteed laughs. And these aren’t just ‘being polite to a strange foreigner who speaks another language’ laughs, these are strong, forceful laughs that can only come when witnessing someone on the receiving end of physical pain (especially in the Manitalia area) or when you hear something dirty (which since I am not podcasting right now, should be said long and drawn out as if Austin Powers was saying it – dirrrrteeeee).

Once you have mastered the use of TWSS, you will notice that your quality of life improves dramatically. People will begin saying TWSS and then suggest TWSS lines to you, as well as think you are the funniest person they know. Now granted, there is more to life than being funny…wait…no there isn’t. Think of all the doors you can unlock by being funny. Well, you can’t unlock any doors, but I am speaking metaphorically of course, which I find is much easier than speaking in, oh let’s say iambic pentameter. Sometimes I speak in pirate-ese, but that’s a whole different issue, matey. Arrrrrr. Sorry.

OK, enough of the benefits of TWSS. Now let’s get to the meat (TWSS) and potatoes of the issue. Below is a list of the incorrect ways to use TWSS and that is followed by the correct uses of it. Just remember, I am giving you the keys to a lot of power here, so use it responsibly and have fun. Definitely worry more about the fun part than the responsible part because I find that being responsible rarely leads to having fun. Unless you are a nun. Then it’s more like a ‘habit.’ Sorry, couldn’t resist…

The INCORRECT uses Of That’s What She Said:

I can’t believe she’s dead. I never got to know her (Actually, this would be a great use for TWSS, except you could only say something like this when someone has died and I’m pretty sure it’s still not funny to laugh at death, although seriously, who didn’t let out a little chuckle when the Wicked Witch yelled out ‘I’m melting.’)

Don’t go in to see the boss this morning, she really blew her top (Ok, again while I intended this to be an incorrect use of TWSS, anytime you hear the word blow or a derivative of, it’s a great time to use it).

I have been stricken with a horrible disease (sorta speaks for itself I think).

It is now 12 o’clock (I gotta admit, if you can use TWSS here, you should be writing this tutorial).

I’m spent (hmmmmm, another toughie. This one could go either way).

I need to get out the hose to water the lawn (actually, I’m still giggling at this one).

And now the CORRECT uses of That’s What She Said:

She told me to remove that immediately (this one is golden. If you ever hear it, first hug the person who said it and thank them for setting you up perfectly).

I just couldn’t get up this morning (you know you are in the zone whenever you can use the words get and up in the same sentence).

She told me she likes it (do I really have to explain why this one is so good??).

I need to sharpen my pencil (hehehehehehehehe)

You are amazing (this one fits into the ‘compliment’ category of TWSS).

Ok, I hope that helps. Basically, if you say ANYTHING that can be considered dirty (do you remember how to pronounce it?), you have walked into a perfect TWSS moment. However, there are times where even though you have been given a golden TWSS opportunity, you still should not say it. These times include moments when you may be in church, around an HR representative for your company, around children (trust me, I made that mistake twice already) or possibly on your deathbed, but I guess that last one really depends on how you want to be remembered. To be honest and if given a choice, I just might have that be the last thing I ever say.

So, good luck, enjoy and Happy International That’s What She Said Day! Now, I am off to try to publish this informative instructional bogus article in Wikipedia. I’m really excited about it…and that’s what she said.

Things I Learned This Week: 11/3/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that eating a peanut butter cup just before drinking my daily V-8 is like suicide of the taste buds.

! I learned that even if I haven’t eaten since 5:30 in the morning, taking a piece of the twins candy to snack on while they are trick-or-treating will still get me ‘talked to’ by some other parent who has no idea how hungry I am. And I swear that the fact that they were Milk Duds played no part in me needing to eat them.

! I learned that I can bake a pumpkin pie. That’s it, no joke for this one. Well, I did learn I could bake a pumpkin pie and not burn anything down, although next time I should remove the pumpkin skin and not fill the pie crust to the very top. I also learned that if I am going to go around bragging about making a pie to everyone at work that I had better bring that pie in for everyone to try.

! I learned that my coworkers are not yet ready for Christmas music on November 1st. Those fools!!!

! I learned that the best way for me to apologize to or ask forgiveness of my coworkers is to first put several drops of eye contact drops (wow that sounds redundant) in my eyes prior to approaching them. Why did no one tell me about this stuff? It’s amazing. Well, I mean it’s amazing for the fake crying thing. It hasn’t done anything for my red, dry and itchy eyes.

! I learned that I should not act too cocky before attempting to try something I have never tried before when with my coworkers. This is especially true when I find myself drag racing stock Pontiacs against other people from my company at the NHRA drag racing track prior to this weekend’s NHRA Winternationals. Who knew there would be a 60-year-old schoolteacher racing me and who knew she’d win. Now, please keep in mind I have nothing against school teachers or 60 year olds, but you’d think my reaction time would be quicker than hers. And no, my coworkers have not stopped reminding me of this fact.

And lastly,
! I learned that chugging eggnog after exercising in 85-degree heat is not the best way, or even the 26th best way, to quench one’s thirst.


***I got to do my first guest post over at AndreAnna's blog today. Feel free to check it out. I'd like to think I conducted myself in a dignified manner when handed the reins of someone else's blog. Or did I? Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!***

Try Turning This Down, Baby!

I have been trying unsuccessfully for too long now to come up with an idea for a television show. I have thought of ‘Guess The Grilled Portion Of Meat,’ ‘How Bad Does This Stink,’ ‘Sitcom Travel’ and stuff like that, but I think I might finally be on to a winner. OK, close your eyes and picture this. Wait, don’t close your eyes, you wouldn’t be able to read my idea. Ok, read my idea THEN close your eyes. Yeah, that’s better.

Picture a group of writers in a TV writer’s room (I know, I’m using pretty sophisticated show business lingo, try to keep up) just off of a main stage. The main stage shows a group of folks. The folks are standing in a restaurant. Is the suspense killing you? I’m trying to draw it out, can you tell? Hey, did you hear the one about the…? Ok, I’m sorry. I’ve drawn it out enough. The restaurant is your run of the mill choke and puke serving lots of things that are fried, cheesed, salted and meated. However, there is a difference here. It is a reality show about a restaurant. BUT…the reality is scripted because in my sitcom, a network test panel determined that reality shows were not ‘real’ enough so the network is now writing the reality scenes for the reality show about a real restaurant that isn’t real at all. The only thing is, the public thinks it is reality TV and that the restaurant is real. Is it making sense? I hope so because I got lost about three sentences ago…

I’ll call it ‘Made To Order,’ but the name of the show set inside the television show I am proposing is called ‘Beyond The Kitchen.’ The writing staff on the show trying to write the reality show is made up of former chefs, a past reality show contestant, a former writer for Law and Order and a lawyer, hired by the network. None of them get along and the lawyer is a pipsqueakish guy who is always worried about the network’s liability. The former reality show contestant is always trying to get battles and challenges into the restaurant show that could get people injured or that are way to over the top, like sharks in swimming pools and ‘see who can go without squirming the longest when hot coffee is poured in their lap.’ The former law and order writer makes everything overly dramatic and still thinks he’s writing lines that will be delivered by someone like Fred Thompson. Lastly, the former chefs write only about how great their recipes are and how well received they are by the reality (fake) customers.

The make believe reality show that my show is about becomes a huge hit and the writers, actors and network have to continually find new ways to convince the viewing public that ‘Beyond The Kitchen’ is truly a reality show. A food critic turned TV critic (played by someone like another of my heroes, Christopher Walken) is convinced that the show is made up and is constantly on the prowl to prove his theory (picture the old neighbor from Bewitched). The former Law and Order Writer devises a plot to kill the TV critic and then has to be shadowed by someone from the network at all times to ensure that he doesn’t actually kill off the TV critic Law and Order style.

As part of the fake show, the public is invited to vote on something that they want the fake reality kitchen staff to experience each week. The voting options are things like a kitchen grease fire, spoiled potatoes, bad milk, irate customers, etc. What the public doesn’t know is that the writers of the fake show always ignore the voting since it’s ‘just for show’ and go with the scenario they want. At some point in the first season of the fake show, ‘Beyond the Kitchen’ is nominated for an Emmy. The network lawyer/script writer experiences horrible nightmares about the morals of possibly winning and accepting an Emmy for a show that is deceiving the public. In his dream, his conscience finally reminds him that he is a lawyer (no offense, I’m just catering to America’s TV viewing stereotypes) and he finally has a pleasant dream. In that dream, the show wins the Emmy and he, the late Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist and the late Johnny Cochran all dance in a field of wildflowers with the Emmy while Louis Armstrong’s ‘What A Wonderful World’ plays in the background.

And that is my latest idea for a television show: a TV show about the behind the scenes happenings of a fake reality TV show. I realize it might seem risky sharing my ideas so publicly because they could be stolen or adapted without me getting credit. However, I’m hoping the genius of my plan is that my show idea is so complicated that it can’t be retold correctly. And if for some unforeseen reason it can be, well, I’m screwed…

Got The Good Candy Ready??

Today is Halloween, unless I am not paying attention like I did a few years ago, only to realize on my way to work that it wasn’t Halloween like I had thought it was. Fortunately, I do not dress up for the holiday because that would have made for a really awkward workday. For some reason, thinking about Halloween makes me reflect on all of the Halloweens that have passed and the current ghoulish state of things. It makes me think of candy and Elvira. I guess you could say both are, uh, ‘bountiful’ this time of year. Halloween also makes me think of Easter and doctors who deliver babies and gynecologists, but that’s my own problem. I will admit that I think of the last two items while gutting pumpkins before carving them.

A lot has changed since the Halloweens I celebrated as a kid. Change is inevitable, but wouldn’t it be nice if something changed and it actually ended up being better than the way it used to be. OK, maybe patients who had gastric bypass surgery are the exception to this and I’m sure there are many husbands of wives who’ve had breast augmentations that will argue with me, but that’s not really what I’m trying to get at.

Boy the dress up part of the holiday sure has changed. I remember last year at a Halloween pumpkin carving night at Lucy and Ethel’s school. Now granted it was a preschool last year, but no one was wearing a costume that really stood out or could even be considered scary or on the edge. Again, it was preschool, but let’s ignore that part for the sake of my story. Sure, I saw a Darth Vader or two, but even those gave the impression of the watered down just about to betray the Emperor-tell Luke how much he loves him-take off my helmet so I can see you with my real eyes-type of Darth Vader. I may have seen a Batman, but I’ll just say that if I were the Joker I wouldn’t be too worried when I saw the Bat Light appear overhead. Pretty bland stuff. I know, I know, it was preschool, but we have to ignore that part or I’ll just sound like a rambling idiot.

When I was in elementary school, I showed up wearing my rubber Frankenstein mask and I got to leave it on all day. When my name was called during roll call, I said my muffled ‘here’ through my mask and no one asked any questions. We could go through the entire school day and never see our friends’ faces. That doesn’t happen today and if it did, there’s no telling who would be hiding behind that mask. In high school, I can remember my friends showing up dressed as pimps and they weren’t even asked to go home and change until after lunch. That’s like half a day. They wouldn’t be allowed on campus today! What did I go as? My sophomore year was David Letterman (Quick Halloween Tip: Don’t use black crayon to make it appear that you have a gap in your teeth) and my senior year my friends and I went as the Secret Service. If only we had remembered to all wear the same color suits and had not spent so much time trying to handcuff our girlfriends to us…

The whole trick-or-treat racket has really changed too. Our neighborhood used to be the one where people drove to so that their kids could get the good candy and go door-to-door in complete safety. Nowadays they drive to other areas of town. My neighbors are hoping I won’t stand out in the driveway as I did last year waving my green glow-stick yelling ‘what’s wrong with our street? I’ve got Almond Joys this year! Come by and I’ll give you two of them!” Apparently, that type of action gets you labeled as “the crazy guy that lives in the house at the end of the street.’ And really, let’s be honest folks; that’s a pretty crappy label. Do the twins get to go trick-or-treating in our neighborhood you ask? Of course not! Are your crazy? Unlike everyone else, we have a good excuse though. We know a few people who live on the new side of town, so we have a legitimate reason to engage in ‘trick-or-treat traveling.’ I know what you are thinking, but that is SO different than what all the other people are doing by driving to the good neighborhoods.

Speaking of Almond Joys (yes, product integration streak still intact), have you noticed the class system of give outs on Halloween now? The folks that try to be good and hand out pencils, stickers and erasers are looked down upon and are usually the first ones retaliated against by kids who want nothing but chocolate goodness. The folks that give out M & Ms and Hershey bars are seen as middle of the road and middle class while those that give out Mounds, Almond Joys and the harder to get Charleston Chews and stuff like that are the most popular houses. Those are the houses where I usually ask for a piece or two for Lucy and Ethel’s baby sister who doesn’t exist. I’M KIDDING, I’M KIDDING!!! I have noticed that word gets around pretty quickly when there’s a house on the block giving out the good stuff. It sure beats Charlie Brown getting a rock!Even our office is watered down for Halloween this year. It’s a Disney theme, which of course helps ensure that everyone will be dressed nice and respectable. That conjures up lots of Snow Whites, Sleeping Beauties, Mickey Mouses and hopefully a Mary Poppins or two (is it so wrong that I find her hot). Although…you know, Splash was technically a Disney movie, wasn’t it. I doubt I’ll get to see someone dressed as Darryl Hannah’s mermaid though.

Oh well, Happy Halloween and have fun cleaning up all the smashed pumpkins in the middle of your yard or street tomorrow morning. I’ll be spending my evening (until at least 4AM) in the most sincere pumpkin patch I can find waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive. As Linus says, it won’t be long now…



By the way, I just read that Robert Goulet has passed. I'd call for a moment of silence, but I think we should all salute him with our finest baritone voices while singing 'You've Got A Friend In Me' from the end of Toy Story 2. I mean, ya know, if you were looking for a way to remember and pay respects to him and all...

Timely Repost: Boy, Radio Listeners Are Gullible

On this day in 1938, the original episode of ‘Punked’ aired on CBS Radio’s ‘Mercury Theater on the Air.’ Well, it was something like that. Orson Welles’ aired his production of H.G. Wells’ ‘War of the Worlds.’ (Boy that’s great alliteration, isn’t it? Welle’s version of Wells’ War of the Worlds. Well, I think I said that wonderfully, it sounds so whimsical...) Despite the introduction by Welles saying that it was a radio adaptation, most people tuned in late and actually thought the Martian invasion was real. The only difference between what Orson Welles did that day and current reality TV is that he adapted a story from a book and made it up so it sounded real while reality TV is real and looks so made up. Except of course for Dirty Jobs. You just can't recreate poo like that.

Oh, to have that type of gullibility amongst us today. Back in ’38, people all over the east coast panicked, took to the highways to flee the Martian landing area and there were even reports of suicides. None could ever be confirmed though. I guess the havoc it wreaked must have looked a lot like the movie ‘Mars Attacks.’ It would be so much harder to get that type of response to a radio or TV production like that today. With so many cable news outlets and the internet, the hoax would be uncovered pretty quickly. Besides, if it was a hoax attempted over the internet, thousands would flock immediately to Snopes.com for confirmation of the hoax and discover it wasn’t true. People are just no fun these days. We can no longer believe our politicians and we question everything. Now granted, that is probably a good policy to adapt towards most things these days, but wouldn’t a good old-fashioned radio hoax be a hoot. Of course, the creator of it would be sued to the fullest extent of the law if they caused traffic backups and mass hysteria, but that’s part of the fun!

There was an elementary teacher I had two years in a row who would play the Orson Welles radio show every Halloween. (I swear it wasn’t because I was held back. He changed the grades he was teaching - no really!) We thought it was the coolest thing. He would explain the hysteria it caused and then we’d listen to it with the classroom lights turned off while only sunlight shined through. Of course we were the ‘Star Wars’ generation and found the whole premise of the show hard to believe, but we still enjoyed it and humored our teacher. If he attempted to play that radio show today, someone would complain and he’d be put on administrative leave until further notice! Then it would get press attention and end up in the odd news section and I’d get to blog about it all over again. I guess that’s what they call the circle of life.

Maybe the most recent attempt at messing with American audiences that I can think of was the FOX broadcast a few years back of the alien autopsy. At least I think they meant that to be perceived as real. We should use blogsville to perpetrate our own worldwide hoax. It could be something like the internet only has room for a few thousand more blogs, genetic testing has proven that Fidel Castro and Osama Bin Laden are the same person, Monday has been replaced on the calendar by a new day called Funday or that this coming weekend’s time change is an accident and should actually take place in two more weeks, except in Mentone, California and Fort Fairfield, Maine where the clocks should move forward by eight hours. If done correctly and promoted the right way through the Wondernet, the fake story could spread as fast as news of the E-Coli spinach outbreak did. Although that story was very real, I think. Unless it was perpetuated by a rival spinach company to hurt their competitors. Ugh, will the spinach wars ever end?

On second thought, maybe I won’t spread a fake story via the Wondernet. I just got off the phone with a relative in the mid-west and she said there are strange clouds appearing out of nowhere that are emitting electricity and toxic fumes and they’re heading west. If you need me, I’m relocating to the closest cave for a while. Hopefully it has a Wi-Fi connection.

Didn’t Al Gore Invent That?

Today is a pretty big day if you are into commemorating things. And no, I don’t mean commemorative plates like those of Siegfried and Roy, Fernwood Tonight or Welcome Back Kotter. Although if you do have a commemorative plate for Welcome Back Kotter, shoot me an email. Sweat Hogs Rule!!!! Sorry. What we should be commemorating is the birth of the internet in 1969. It is my understanding that Al Gore once took credit for the web’s creation, which is fine with me because I invented TiVo. I just don’t get a whole lot of credit for it because I am so humble and would rather not draw attention to myself, or my exploits. No, really.

Could you just imagine where we would be without the internet (or interweb as they call it on 30 Rock)? Where would we do our shopping, get sports scores or watch entire episodes of our favorite shows? I mean other than the store, ESPN or local newspapers and television. What would we do when we get bored at work or don’t wish to tackle that big job? Where would we get our music, you know instead of oh, I don’t know…BUYING IT??? Yes, the interweb has been a lifesaver. Just ask the folks that invented Amazon or Ebay (and my streak of seamless but pointless product integration is intact).

Does anyone remember the old California gold rush? No, not the one with dungarees, saloons and miners, I mean the dot com boom. Back in the good ole days of the dot com, it seemed like all you had to do was say the word internet and people would start giving you money. Seriously, I was with a small ad agency during that time and in the middle of a meeting with a potential client I whispered the word ‘internet’ followed by ‘www’ and ‘http’ like I was on the $25,000 Pyramid and before I knew it the potential client had handed us a $30,000 check to create a website for them. It was a dirty trick but I worked at an ad agency and other agencies were doing it. The internet was so big at the time and fully understood by so few that this scheme tactic practice was used many times and made us a ton of money. For a while, all the key members of our agency (myself included) were all driving around in company owned Lincoln Continentals and we started smoking $100 cigars every time we signed up a new client instead of the cheapy ones we were smoking before we got on the dot com train.

Ok, yes, I admit, I made all of that up (except for the Cigar part) to illustrate to you just how big the whole internet/dot com thing was. Did it work? It felt like it worked. In fact, I think as far as illustrative story telling goes, I nailed it. TWSS. Almost semi-seriously though, the internet was big, big business. Does anyone remember the Super Bowl Ads of the late 1990s when most of the ads were for website businesses that disappeared quicker than (insert your own clever current event commentary here…such as ‘Britney’s underwear at a dance club, Nicole Richie’s baby bump, a new sitcom on FOX or The Colorado Rockies’ World Series hopes). But we won’t talk about the dot come boom’s bust (which, I must add, was bigger than Dolly’s). The wounds are still fresh for so many. Yeah, I’m illustrative story telling again.

Back in the day, I was actually developing websites. I won’t call it designing because I could not design my way out of a paper bag, although more disconcerting to me would be how I got into the paper bag in the first place, but now I have strayed off topic. My favorite thing to do was to take an image created by one of our graphic artists and hotlink the heck out of different parts of the image. Unfortunately, many of our clients’ customers knew nothing about hot linking and clicking within an image, so the sites I made failed miserably. And no, sadly I am no longer illustrative story telling.

So, the internet is 38 years old today. It has come a long way since its invention and has woven an irreplaceable web into our lives. A web that is world wide, if you will. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the internet for some important work projects. My coworker and I need to continue our game of Google Maps where we take turns finding a landmark by using the satellite photography provided by Google. Then I’ll blog and after that maybe instant message, download some hip-swinging tunes or maybe try to make naughty words out of various stock market ticker symbols. Does anyone know if there is a company named Amalgamated Steel Services that is selling stocks?

Things I Learned This Week: 10/27/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that taking a hiatus from blogging just leaves me with more time for stuff like bathing small children, doing the yards, doing laundry and ‘working’ in the office. I may actually strike the word ‘hiatus’ from my vocabulary now.

! I learned that telling my parents they should never have moved to the mountains is better left unsaid when the same mountains are burning.

! I learned that going to 4 Target stores in an attempt to find my boss the replica of Michael Scott’s ‘Worlds Best Boss’ coffee mug for Boss’ Day has earned me a title I would rather not have.

! I learned that when I am running low on contact lenses, I can take Wal-Mart up on their offer of a free trial pair of colored lenses. I have already warned my coworkers that if I show up one day with cat eyes or bright blue eyes that it’s because I ran out of lenses and didn’t feel like ordering more.

! I learned that no metal stakes in the world are strong enough to hold down a 350 pound bounce house full of little kids when the wind is gusting about 60 miles per hour. The front of the bounce house lifted up like a hinged trash can lid and my backyard sounded like a roller coaster. I also learned that when the bounce house has been deflated and all of the children take to playing in Lucy and Ethel’s play set area that young kids cannot resist picking up and throwing the expensive rubberized faux bark pieces everywhere. Yeah, I don’t think I’m throwing a birthday party again. Getting ready for it was too much work and work and party should never need to be used in the same sentence.

! I learned that walking up to the dairy section of the store and pulling out eggnog is a guaranteed way to get people’s attention. Telling the same people asking me about why I am getting eggnog in October that ‘oh, I do this every year,’ is a guaranteed way to make them look at me funny, mumble and then walk away.

And lastly,

! I learned that leaving work in the middle of the day to go into L.A. to get Clippers tickets is only a good idea when your boss is actually out of town and cell phone range like you were told he was.

This is a photo of a pumpkin pie that I made...out of real pumpkin...with spices and crust and stuff. All who tasted it says it was good and tastes just like pumpkin pie. I honestly did not see that coming. Perhaps I shall make more...and sell them. So, what's the going rate for pumpkin pies these days? About $35 for the whole pie, I'm hoping...

***Podcast Alert***
Yeah, I posted a new podcast for Halloween. Would you listen if I bribed you by saying Lucy and Ethel sing in it? Ok then, Lucy and Ethel sing in the podcast that can be heard here.

8 Years Strong and Counting…

Well, I made it official yesterday. For the 8th straight year, I was able to enjoy the silky great taste of eggnog before Halloween. So far, the closest I came to not finding it before October 31st was the great So Cal grocery workers strike of 2003. On that year, I was shut out until October 29th. Not even the fact that Female Coworker spotted it in my grocer’s dairy case before I did can put a damper on this festive yet solemn event. Go ahead and laugh for a little while, but then come back. Heck, that’s what my coworkers all did, but then that’s what I get for walking into everyone’s cubicle while doing the happy dance and holding my bottle of eggnog. Now you can commence to laughing…

OK, are you done laughing at me yet? Good. Many have tried to challenge the notion, but all have failed. Yes, it is possible to chug eggnog before Halloween Night and one of these years, I will successfully find someone to bet against me. So, once again this year I will be passing out candy while sipping on eggnog to a bunch of high school kids who put on a flannel shirt, grab a trash bag and call it trick-or-treating. I’d tell those kids ‘no’ but I value my property too much and have always believed that eggs should be used for cooking only, shaving cream is for the face (or perhaps legs if you are of the lady persuasion) and toilet paper is for, well, you know.

I’m sure that the list of eggnog appreciators will be 50-50 for and against, but I love the stuff. Usually around March of each year, I find myself craving it but there is no remedy for the cravings. Sure, I could make it for myself, but that’s no fun. I think part of the enjoyment of this questionable beverage is that it is only available for a limited time. Making it would just cheapen the experience for me. In fact, it would be like being able to shop for Christmas decorations in September and October. Oh, wait a minute…I guess that’s not the best argument in this case, is it.

So, when I get to work each morning for the next 2 months, I can have a cup of nog instead of coffee. While neither option is especially healthy, at least I can say that I am only drinking the light variety. Except of course for very special occasions. You know, occasions like finding the first eggnog of the year, Fridays, Saturday nights, NASCAR races on Sundays, getting home from work on Monday nights, something on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and while watching 30 Rock and The Office on Thursday nights. Like I said, just the real special, non-run of the mill occasions.

*And yes, the fact that I was excited enough to take a camera phone picture of the event means that I will be in some form of therapy tomorrow morning...but, it did allow me to keep up my theme of appropriate product integration.

Imagine The Honeymoon

I just finished reading an AP story where a man in China married a woman 25 years his junior. Just imagine it. This guy was a college graduate by the time his new wife was born. How in the world can you have ANYTHING in common when you are separated by that many years? Think for a second of all the things that can change in 25 years. Try to remember the technological advances, health advances and even small little evolutionary steps that can be taken in that time.

In just over 10 years, the world went from Sputnik to man landing on the moon. In 25 years we went from blood letting as a cure all to penicillin and stem cells. Oh wait, that may not be entirely accurate. As far as evolution goes, well, I made that up for effect. There has been a lot that has changed in 25 years though, especially in America. We now have a war, high gas prices, high unemployment, we are nearing a recession, home prices are falling and the President’s approval rate has plummeted. The Rolling Stones, The Police and Van Halen are on tour and most of the Middle East hates us. Now if you contrast that to 1982, oh wait a minute, if those are the measurements then we might still be in 1982. Hold on, let me check…nope it’s not 1982. I can’t find my one sequined glove. Well, at least we have the internet and Starbucks now.

I guess I should mention another little part of the story. The husband is 106 and his new bride is 81. Is anyone else thinking that there might be money involved here? Where did these two meet? In what way are they attracted to each other? How many nurses chaperones accompanied them on their honeymoon? Where did they go for that honeymoon? Well, I think we know the answer to that one. Yep, probably a bingo parlor in a nice Indian Casino with a luxurious attached hotel. Or, maybe it was Florida. Perhaps they just woke up early and walked around the mall.

Just imagine the wedding as they both drove down the isle in their mobility scooters. Or how about the classic part of the wedding when they shoved each other’s feeding tubes containing liquefied wedding cake into each other’s faces. How many of their friends do you think passed out while doing the Chicken, Macarena or YMCA? Do you think the Best Man forgot his speech part way through or ended up talking on a tangent about how much it cost for new car tires? I’m wondering who dove for the garter. Actually no. I am not. I don’t really care to think about a 106 year old groom removing the garter from his 81 year old bride. Seriously, now I am ill and I just ate pudding…tapioca…like old folks do.

Yes, I realize I am being pretty harsh on old people and that you are going to tell me that I too will be old one day. However, there is a fairly decent chance that with my ticker, I won’t live until THAT old of an age, so I can kinda get away with it guilt free. It’s just like drinking Coke Zero. It tastes so good; you could care less that it includes no sugar. (Dear Coke executives: feel free to send me notification of reimbursement for dramatic product placement to my email address and I will in turn give you my mailing information)*. Besides, if getting old means forgetting things, driving poorly, mumbling about the horrible fashions and musical tastes of today’s children and taking more medications than I have fingers, well then I am pretty old already.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. At the time of this writing, it is almost 4PM and I have to get to dinner before they raise the prices for the evening rush…dangit, who moved my coupons!!!!


*I think to spice things up a little I am going to continue featuring story specific product placements in my posts in order to generate revenue and become someone’s product pitchman (or woman). I swear it will be woven seamlessly into each post and not interfere with each story's flow. Kinda like this one...

**I must also add that this was my 450th post...and yet, not a dime from it. Is this what they call charity? Why did no one tell me before now that this blogging thing isn't an endurance race?

***Lastly -- Please keep all of the So Californian's dealing with the fires in your thoughts. As I write this while keeping on eye on the internet streaming fire scanner, the Lake Arrowhead/Green Valley mountain fire is now being battled one street above my parents' home. Even though I work and live many miles from any of the 16 fires now burning, there is ash and smoke everywhere...

Kissing Cousins (And A Short Recess)

**UPDATE: I have a new podcast up for your enjoyment, horror, disappointment or embarrassment...take your pick.**

About a month or so ago, there was a very small news story about the possibility of Elvis and Oprah being related. It didn’t get a lot of attention, but the possibilities were mind blowing. It would almost be like finding out that Rachael Ray is related to the cast of NBC’s Heroes. Then yesterday I read a story about Dick Cheney and Barack Obama being related. Not that I need to tell you, but that would be like finding out President Bush and The Dixie Chicks are related.

It is always interesting to me finding out that certain people are related. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s just the shock value of finding out that two people you know or know of share a bloodline somewhere. For instance, many people would be shocked to discover that my brother and I are related. He is quite tall and well, let’s just say that the similarities end there. I mean I probably have more in common physically with my bounce house-collapsing friend, also known as Brother From Another Mother, but we are not related. Though we do have the same blood type and philosophy about BBQs and Red Lobster.

After the last paragraph, I spent far more than an hour writing and deleting other examples of relations but came up with nothing I was happy with or felt pride in publishing. I have enjoyed writing every day and responding to your comments but no matter how hard I try, the idea pool has dried up and it hasn’t been much fun lately. I can no longer sit down to write endlessly while barely being able to contain myself when I hit the publish button. For the past month coming up with much of anything feels like when my grandfather used to walk 131 miles through the snow in a hailstorm to get to his one-room, unheated schoolhouse. It might be time to write once or twice a week or whenever inspiration strikes. The only problem with that is that my inspiration usually only strikes at the most inopportune times like when I am at work, when the in-laws are visiting, when the twins need food or something needs to be done around the house.

So, I am going to take a little hiatus and hope I can find things to write about again that I feel are worthy of being considered ‘nothing worthwhile’ and fun. I guess this is the part where I quote Douglas MacArthur (I shall return), Arnold Schwarzenegger (I’ll be back) or Carol Burnett (I’m so glad we had this time together), but I’ll just quote Elvis instead and say thank you, thank you very much.

(Now watch, I’ll get a great blog idea tonight, post it tomorrow and look like an idiot…)

for now...

Bullet Time

Because I am truly now out of blog ideas like we are almost out of Kennedys, I had planned on beginning the blog favorite ‘100 Things About Me’ today, but 100 seems like an awful lot. I suppose I could break it down into chunks, but I don’t like the word chunks, especially when it has to do with food. I realize it doesn’t in this case, but I’ll tackle 100 things later. Besides, you know the drill: fried food, Tina Fey, The Office, coworkers, HR seems to use me as a target, etc. When you stop to think about it, I really only write about 5 different topics, yet people keep coming back to read this blog. Perhaps I should go into sales…

And now the bullets:

* Go figure that days after posting about how bad drivers are when they multi-task while operating a motor vehicle that I was behind a car this morning that missed the middle divider by about a foot because the driver was playing with his cell phone.

* Lucy and Ethel’s month-delayed birthday party is this weekend. Is it wrong that I am so excited about keeping my string alive of collapsing bounce houses? I really feel like my personal sense of success and failure hinges on collapsing this bounce house I have yet to see.

* I’m thinking of getting colored contacts and rotating out the color daily. I’ll assign a color to each day and see how long it takes until people notice. Although I imagine the length of time it would take until they notice just dropped dramatically since I mentioned it here. I gotta stop doing that!

* I’ d like to challenge the person who said you can’t sit and watch grass grow. I did this weekend and I was actually standing while doing so. I just wish I had planted the seeds better because now my backyard looks like a bunch of little patches of flat top haircuts. I’m sure no one will notice.

* A nice warm fire should only be enjoyed after all in-home fire safety precautions have been taken. I am specifically speaking of opening something referred to as the ‘flue.’ Apparently that step is pretty important.

* Since bullets take less time, require less thought and can be entirely random, I am going to begin speaking in bullet points. Picture me like Dwight Schrute saying ‘Bullet:’ before every sentence.

* I have decided that if there is no patron saint for fried foods that there should be and he should be called Saint Crispux. He will visit while we sleep at night and leave brand new deep fryers with a nice cookbook. Saint Crispux will also have a toll-free hotline like the Butterball Turkey people do at Thanksgiving time. Saint Crispux is the older brother of Saint Ignacious of Cheddar.

* It is very hard for me to make eye contact with the pretty women I encounter in our work’s parking lot after they come out of the ‘Lady Waxing Place’ because I know what they have just finished having done to themselves. While they don’t seem to blush, I sure do. It’s a pretty hairy awkward situation for me.

Crappy Possibly Made-Up Holiday Alert: Today is Mulligan Day. While I can’t find a legitimate definition for it online and I tried really, really hard (definition: Google and Wikipedia turned up zilch), I will attempt a guess at what I think the holiday is about and celebrate that.

I believe that Mulligan Day is a day of do-overs. It’s a day where we get to do things over. Though don’t confuse it with doing things over like in one of the best movies ever - Bill Murray’s Ground Hog Day. I’m focusing in on getting do-overs after making mistakes. For someone like me, it really is an important holiday.

Forget to pay an important bill? Take a Mulligan. Forget to divorce your wife before getting remarried? Take a Mulligan. Burned dinner again? Take a Mulligan. Wore blue socks with black pants? Mulligan, baby. Bad mouthed the boss without realizing he/she was behind you? Yep, Mulligan time. Did not order your french fries with gravy on them? Greasy Mulligan. Vomitted in a coworker’s car? Sloppy Mulligan. Went almost a week without visiting your favorite blogs? Apologetic Mulligan. Confused your twins and had an entire conversation with the wrong twin? Bad Daddy Mulligan. Got caught blogging at work? Play stupid Mulligan. Telling the special lady in you life that her a$$ DOES look fat in those pants? Leave town for a few weeks.

I hope the explanations help and Happy Mulligan Day. Now, perhaps I should take a Mulligan with this post…

Take A Memo Please…It’s Boss’ Day

So, is it Boss’ Day or Bosses Day? It really does matter. Boss’ Days means that our boss possesses the day (although I guess our bosses possess every day we work for them) and Bosses Day means a day of bosses, which could be a pretty scary idea. Whatever the grammatical treatment, today is the day we honor our boss. And by honor, I mean give them things similar to what dads get on Father’s Day so we can say we gave them a gift because we know that although they may not say anything, they do know that it is Boss’ Day. In short, not giving a gift on Bosses Day is akin to career suicide, just like blogging at work, but I think I’ve already detailed that extensively.

For the record and before I go any further, I will tell you that my part of our Bosses Day gift is an Office/Dunder Mifflin mug that says ‘World’s Best Boss.’ I don’t like to brag, but sometimes I am quite the superb gift giver. Except for that episode a few weeks ago where I gave Lucy and Ethel 6 new fish. We’ve just decided to not talk about that anymore…

I’ve never been a boss so I am on the honoring instead of honoree side. I will admit right here and now (especially since my boss knows about and may actually read my blog) that I like my boss and feel fortunate to have him as my leader. Bosses can be different things to different folks: friend, mentor, colleague or enemy. Not sure about the enemy part? Just think, Darth Vader and Mussolini were both bosses and I don’t consider levitating your employees while choking as something exemplary bosses do (yes, I am speaking about Mussolini). There are mafia bosses and Boss Hogg. Every former President was a boss and the guy running your favorite bowling alley is a boss. I could also argue that if you are a parent you’re a boss, but since I have to freely admit that my daughters rule me, I won’t push the point. I have a dog and sometimes she listens to me, so I guess I am a part-time boss after all. I also planted grass seed and talked to it every day so it would grow and guess what – it did. Yes, I now think I am a boss.

Many people would follow their boss off the edge of a cliff. Of course, many more would rather push their boss off the edge of that same cliff. With all respect to my boss, my favorite boss is not even real. It’s Michael Scott of Dunder-Mifflin. On the surface it seems like it would be aggravating working for him, but I and my co-workers think it would be endlessly entertaining. The guy tries so hard and fails miserably to gain the friendship, not to mention respect of his employees. Plus, he has no conscience and no idea of what is and is not appropriate to say around the workplace. For him, it’s just so hard (that’s what she said). And we all know that social awkwardness makes for great entertainment!

Aside from being in charge, getting to do fun bossy type stuff and having to make most decisions, it has to be hard being a boss. Do you want your staff to like you? Do you try to befriend them or do you make decisions regardless of what it will do to them? I’m sure it’s not a popularity contest but it is nice to be liked so I imagine that makes the going difficult for every boss. Seriously, aside from God and Jimmy Buffett, can you think of a boss who is liked by every one of their underlings? Dictators don’t count because they are liked by their staffs under the fear of death, which I hear is a pretty strong motivational tool. Be warned though. I tried using it for a while at work and it didn’t give me the same results. Perhaps stirring the fear of death in my coworkers would be easier if I stopped saying ‘that’s what she said’ after every other sentence.

So, if you are a boss and happen to be reading this blog, Happy Bosses Day! If you have a boss, then this day may not mean as much to you. Incidentally, what day is there to honor employees? Yeah there is Labor Day and many companies have an employee appreciation day that might include a BBQ or a percentage off company merchandise, but who considers that appreciation? Appreciation to me involves being hoisted up and paraded around while I sit in my chair to the tune of ‘For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’ or ‘La Bamba’ (don’t ask).

What day do employees get to go to work and receive some kind of recognition? I should probably be more specific here. I mean good recognition and not the kind of recognition where HR shows up unannounced to meet with you about something you may or may not have done that may or may not have involved blogging on company time because that is far from being considered good recognition. If you are a secretary Administrative Professional (oops, forgot to be PC there) you get Administrative Professionals Day. If you are a mid-level worker, I guess you just don’t get a day. Sadly, there is no ‘Mid-level Worker Day’ when you can be given cards and stuff, although that really doesn’t have a good ring to it, does it. I guess there are always sick days, but don’t expect your fellow employees to send a card, unless you are really sick, but that’s nothing to celebrate now, is it?

Repost Sunday: Drink This And…

Drinking, no matter what it is, can cause a lot of different things to happen to the human body. Drink too much alcohol and you can end up in jail or too embarrassed to see your friends ever again. Drink too much soda (the regular kind) and you end up overweight with really bad bones and teeth. Drink too much diet soda and you end up with a really bad taste in your mouth. Drink too much coffee and you end up jittery with heart palpitations or with no money (if your get your coffee from Starbucks). Drink too much water and, well actually, that’s ok. Coca-Cola is releasing a new green tea beverage called Enviga that they say will help you lose weight.

Finally, the miracle tonic is here and of course just like our modern image of ole Santa Claus; it could only be Coca-Cola that created it. There has been a lot of research about the effect of green tea on our metabolism and whether or not it helps us lose weight. I don’t know that it’s been proven either way yet, but people are still flocking to green tea and all the new green tea products that keep popping up out there. Coca-Cola says that drinking three cans of their Enviga within a 24-hour period can help you lose up to 100 calories. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that EXERCISE CAN GIVE YOU THE SAME RESULTS. The problem of course is that exercise doesn’t taste as good and it takes a little more work than popping a top. The good thing is that drinking three cans of coke within 24 hours will most certainly NOT help you lose weight, so I guess that’s a pretty big improvement.

With this latest shot across the bow, Enviga has re-energized and re-invigorated (so to speak) the Cola Wars. In “Cola Wars, Episode 4 – Enviga Strikes Back” (I know that’s lame, but really, it’s a Monday) the other cola giants are now stumbling over themselves to create products to compete. My special informant who is responsible for making up reporting secret news developments to me has revealed the plans that Coke’s competitors are working on. It seems they have decided to let Coke have the weight loss market and are concentrating on other revolutionary body improvement tonics.

Pepsi is getting ready to release Beautonic, which will make you look more attractive after drinking a twelve pack. I guess that’s the exact opposite of alcohol because you’d think a twelve pack would make someone else look attractive, but it seems they have found a new ingredient which alters your appearance. Not to be outdone, Dr. Pepper, the most cerebral of soft drinks (after all, it does have a PhD) is currently test marketing Smart X, which if you haven’t figured out already, will make you smarter the more you drink. Obviously, Smart X is also the opposite of alcohol. Finally, 7-Up has created a logic improving drink (rumor has it they’ve got a great ad campaign using Leonard Nimoy, which makes me think that Enviga should employ a before and after campaign with William Shatner) that allows you to relax and slow down so that you think things out more clearly before speaking and interacting with others. You guessed it, it’s called Shut-up.

As you can tell, it’s going to be an exciting time for soft drink lovers. While we’ll always be addicted (quite literally) to our sugary sweet favorites, the new products I have mentioned give us some great alternatives, with wonderful side effects. By combining all of them, what I call The Dr. Jekyll, you get all of the elements that will make you (on the surface) a great person. You’ll definitely want to down a few of each before your next dinner party or social gathering.

***Update: And if you choose not not, you'll be in the perfect position to celebrate National Grouch Day on Monday!!***