Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Imagine The Honeymoon

I just finished reading an AP story where a man in China married a woman 25 years his junior. Just imagine it. This guy was a college graduate by the time his new wife was born. How in the world can you have ANYTHING in common when you are separated by that many years? Think for a second of all the things that can change in 25 years. Try to remember the technological advances, health advances and even small little evolutionary steps that can be taken in that time.

In just over 10 years, the world went from Sputnik to man landing on the moon. In 25 years we went from blood letting as a cure all to penicillin and stem cells. Oh wait, that may not be entirely accurate. As far as evolution goes, well, I made that up for effect. There has been a lot that has changed in 25 years though, especially in America. We now have a war, high gas prices, high unemployment, we are nearing a recession, home prices are falling and the President’s approval rate has plummeted. The Rolling Stones, The Police and Van Halen are on tour and most of the Middle East hates us. Now if you contrast that to 1982, oh wait a minute, if those are the measurements then we might still be in 1982. Hold on, let me check…nope it’s not 1982. I can’t find my one sequined glove. Well, at least we have the internet and Starbucks now.

I guess I should mention another little part of the story. The husband is 106 and his new bride is 81. Is anyone else thinking that there might be money involved here? Where did these two meet? In what way are they attracted to each other? How many nurses chaperones accompanied them on their honeymoon? Where did they go for that honeymoon? Well, I think we know the answer to that one. Yep, probably a bingo parlor in a nice Indian Casino with a luxurious attached hotel. Or, maybe it was Florida. Perhaps they just woke up early and walked around the mall.

Just imagine the wedding as they both drove down the isle in their mobility scooters. Or how about the classic part of the wedding when they shoved each other’s feeding tubes containing liquefied wedding cake into each other’s faces. How many of their friends do you think passed out while doing the Chicken, Macarena or YMCA? Do you think the Best Man forgot his speech part way through or ended up talking on a tangent about how much it cost for new car tires? I’m wondering who dove for the garter. Actually no. I am not. I don’t really care to think about a 106 year old groom removing the garter from his 81 year old bride. Seriously, now I am ill and I just ate pudding…tapioca…like old folks do.

Yes, I realize I am being pretty harsh on old people and that you are going to tell me that I too will be old one day. However, there is a fairly decent chance that with my ticker, I won’t live until THAT old of an age, so I can kinda get away with it guilt free. It’s just like drinking Coke Zero. It tastes so good; you could care less that it includes no sugar. (Dear Coke executives: feel free to send me notification of reimbursement for dramatic product placement to my email address and I will in turn give you my mailing information)*. Besides, if getting old means forgetting things, driving poorly, mumbling about the horrible fashions and musical tastes of today’s children and taking more medications than I have fingers, well then I am pretty old already.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. At the time of this writing, it is almost 4PM and I have to get to dinner before they raise the prices for the evening rush…dangit, who moved my coupons!!!!

*I think to spice things up a little I am going to continue featuring story specific product placements in my posts in order to generate revenue and become someone’s product pitchman (or woman). I swear it will be woven seamlessly into each post and not interfere with each story's flow. Kinda like this one...

**I must also add that this was my 450th post...and yet, not a dime from it. Is this what they call charity? Why did no one tell me before now that this blogging thing isn't an endurance race?

***Lastly -- Please keep all of the So Californian's dealing with the fires in your thoughts. As I write this while keeping on eye on the internet streaming fire scanner, the Lake Arrowhead/Green Valley mountain fire is now being battled one street above my parents' home. Even though I work and live many miles from any of the 16 fires now burning, there is ash and smoke everywhere...


Lis said...

Oh yeah, I was thinking about you when I saw the news about the fires. I knew you were in SoCal but I didn't know which part. Good to know you're ok.

Also, don't h8 on the oldies!

Odat said...

"liquified wedding cake"'s too early for all of this!!!
(covering my eyes and running away)......
LOL...great post....
Stay well and safe,

Patti said...

Funny post. I knew it would be when I saw ol' Abe Simpson standing there looking confused.
The episodes that include The Springfield Retirement Castle are great, aren't they?

Sending good thoughts your family's way. Stay safe.

katherine. said...

I have many friends and family there as well...stay safe...and a prayer for your folks.

(the rest of the post was a RIOT)

R2K said...

I am 25 right now, so I would marry a new born child.

meleah rebeccah said...


I hope when I am 81, if I was still SINGLE (which is very possible) that SOMEONE even if they were 102 would marry me.

Congrats 450 post! (yes blogging is very much about endurance).

I sincerely hope that your parents stay safe. This whole thing is very scary.

brandy said...

Welcome back stranger!

First of all, the 25 year old age difference. I should ask my dad about that since his girlfriend is younger than me. (And this is where you wait for the punchline and then sadly realize there is no punchline because, well, it's the truth). And yes, I'm pretty sure every joke has been exhausted on the subject, but I may have to mentioned liquified wedding cake.

Also, I will be thinking of you as this insane fire continues to burn. It's so scary when stuff like that happens!

Oh! You shall receive an email tonight. Whoo hooo!

Airam said...

It's like when Monica dated Richard. Not only was he 25 years her senior ... but he was her dad's best friend! Talk about ick factor!

And of course I'm talking about the show "Friends".

kat said...

It's so scary about the fires. I am glad that although you are soot troubled, you are indeed fire-free.

I am also glad to have come here and found a new post. And one of your best ever at that!

Yay! Keep writing please!!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

First of all, I love tapioca. This has been the case since I was a very small child, and is not because I am a very old woman. It makes a wonderful sound when you bonk the spoon around in the bowl. Oh, and it tastes good, too. (See how mature I am?)

I think that when people are 106 and 81 years old, the age difference really doesn't matter. It's not the same as between 50 and 25. Or 32 and 7.

But his 'n' hers utility scooters (or walkers) is a nice touch.

Glad you're back, Michael. I've missed you!

FRIGGA said...

That's just plain gross - especially when coupled with the recent study on how how people do it more than young people realized... Eeewwww! 8-\

Tink said...

Keeping you and your folks in my thoughts. I remember when my sis lived in SoCal and they had a bit with fires. Very scary indeed. Take care of yourself. And with regard to the main body of the post, I'm 9 years older than Pan and there was no money involved :)

Open Grove Claudia said...

The nice thing? You have documented your sentiments on old people. Now all the twins have to do is READ your own words to you. Good planning on your part.