Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bullet Time

Because I am truly now out of blog ideas like we are almost out of Kennedys, I had planned on beginning the blog favorite ‘100 Things About Me’ today, but 100 seems like an awful lot. I suppose I could break it down into chunks, but I don’t like the word chunks, especially when it has to do with food. I realize it doesn’t in this case, but I’ll tackle 100 things later. Besides, you know the drill: fried food, Tina Fey, The Office, coworkers, HR seems to use me as a target, etc. When you stop to think about it, I really only write about 5 different topics, yet people keep coming back to read this blog. Perhaps I should go into sales…

And now the bullets:

* Go figure that days after posting about how bad drivers are when they multi-task while operating a motor vehicle that I was behind a car this morning that missed the middle divider by about a foot because the driver was playing with his cell phone.

* Lucy and Ethel’s month-delayed birthday party is this weekend. Is it wrong that I am so excited about keeping my string alive of collapsing bounce houses? I really feel like my personal sense of success and failure hinges on collapsing this bounce house I have yet to see.

* I’m thinking of getting colored contacts and rotating out the color daily. I’ll assign a color to each day and see how long it takes until people notice. Although I imagine the length of time it would take until they notice just dropped dramatically since I mentioned it here. I gotta stop doing that!

* I’ d like to challenge the person who said you can’t sit and watch grass grow. I did this weekend and I was actually standing while doing so. I just wish I had planted the seeds better because now my backyard looks like a bunch of little patches of flat top haircuts. I’m sure no one will notice.

* A nice warm fire should only be enjoyed after all in-home fire safety precautions have been taken. I am specifically speaking of opening something referred to as the ‘flue.’ Apparently that step is pretty important.

* Since bullets take less time, require less thought and can be entirely random, I am going to begin speaking in bullet points. Picture me like Dwight Schrute saying ‘Bullet:’ before every sentence.

* I have decided that if there is no patron saint for fried foods that there should be and he should be called Saint Crispux. He will visit while we sleep at night and leave brand new deep fryers with a nice cookbook. Saint Crispux will also have a toll-free hotline like the Butterball Turkey people do at Thanksgiving time. Saint Crispux is the older brother of Saint Ignacious of Cheddar.

* It is very hard for me to make eye contact with the pretty women I encounter in our work’s parking lot after they come out of the ‘Lady Waxing Place’ because I know what they have just finished having done to themselves. While they don’t seem to blush, I sure do. It’s a pretty hairy awkward situation for me.

Crappy Possibly Made-Up Holiday Alert: Today is Mulligan Day. While I can’t find a legitimate definition for it online and I tried really, really hard (definition: Google and Wikipedia turned up zilch), I will attempt a guess at what I think the holiday is about and celebrate that.

I believe that Mulligan Day is a day of do-overs. It’s a day where we get to do things over. Though don’t confuse it with doing things over like in one of the best movies ever - Bill Murray’s Ground Hog Day. I’m focusing in on getting do-overs after making mistakes. For someone like me, it really is an important holiday.

Forget to pay an important bill? Take a Mulligan. Forget to divorce your wife before getting remarried? Take a Mulligan. Burned dinner again? Take a Mulligan. Wore blue socks with black pants? Mulligan, baby. Bad mouthed the boss without realizing he/she was behind you? Yep, Mulligan time. Did not order your french fries with gravy on them? Greasy Mulligan. Vomitted in a coworker’s car? Sloppy Mulligan. Went almost a week without visiting your favorite blogs? Apologetic Mulligan. Confused your twins and had an entire conversation with the wrong twin? Bad Daddy Mulligan. Got caught blogging at work? Play stupid Mulligan. Telling the special lady in you life that her a$$ DOES look fat in those pants? Leave town for a few weeks.

I hope the explanations help and Happy Mulligan Day. Now, perhaps I should take a Mulligan with this post…


brandy said...

I love it when I'm first (twss). Whoa, I'm funny. Anyway, on to other matters- Lucy and Ethel's b-day is going to be celebrated this weekend? And there's going to be a party? And my invite got lost in the mail? (Because is there anything creepier than inviting yourself to a birthday party of a child or of children you don't know? I think not). Also, you may have five 'themes', but your clever wit brings me back. And besides, without reading you, I would have no idea that today is mulligan day. See how you help me?!

Michael C said...

Bran: Yes you are funny! If you can handle the airfare, you are welcome to the party. Female Coworker is expected to make an appearance.

5 themes? What a great name for a blog. Oh yeah, I'm glad you were the first (TWSS).

Odat said...

I don't like the word chunks (twws).
Bullet: Love the idea about the different color contacts. Maybe you should even mix them up, one blue one green
Bullet: No more bullets cause I gotta get ready to go!


Patti said...

Lucy and Ethel must be identical if you actually confused them. Wow

Michael McMulligan has a nice ring to it for a second Internet persona.

"The Wonderful World of Michael McMulligan" could work. ;-)

AndreAnna said...

I heart bullets.

And can Saint Crispux bring along Saint Mounds O' Chocolate?

The Kimmer said...

I can't tell you how your bullet point posts are so near and dear to my heart. I am one of those people that could (and might) speak in bullet points. I'm extremely terse in my personal correspondence with friends and I'm constantly getting harassed for it. But hey, I'm a technical writer by trade. What do you want?

Also, I'm kind of upset that my birthday is also Mulligan Day.


Natalie said...

Man St. Crispux is about the greatest bullet ever. Congratulations.

armalicious said...

Haha! My friend's brother-in-law collapses those inflatable houses, too. In fact, the company that rents them out here wouldn't rent to him the last time he tried to rent for his kids party. So he had to get someone else to do it for them. Too funny!

I do agree - Groundhog's Day is one of my favorite movies! Another movie that I could quote to pieces all day long. Don't drive angry!

meleah rebeccah said...

Mulligan Day is the BEST idea.

Hmm... Get in The WRONG CAR and think it is YOUR car, until you notice how CLEAN the WRONG CAR is.....Take a Mulligan.

Yeah. That would have been nice, YESTERDAY.

katherine. said...

its not that we are out of Kennedys...they just go by other names

Janna said...

Here are the colors I think your contacts should be:
TUESDAY: Blood Red
WEDNESDAY: Purple with white dots
FRIDAY: All white
SATURDAY: All black
SUNDAY: Construction Zone Orange

P.S. Will Saint Crispux also leave cholesterol deposits in our arteries while we sleep?

Airam said...

1 month long delayed party is nothing ... once (last year) we had my twin nephews birthday party in August. They were born in January.

Michael C said...

Odat: nice bullets...uh, can a man say that to a woman??

Patti: yes, they are. I WILL post a pic...some day ;-)

AA: Saint Crispux can bring anything you'd like!

Kimmer: Happy B-day!!!!!

Natalie: Thank you very much!!!

Armalicious: Ahhh, I have a bounce house collapsing kindred soul!! A highlight of my life was sticking my feet in Lake Winnipisocki ;-)

Meleah: Are you serious? I may have to uh, borrow that story to tell friends. It is one of the greatest stories I have ever heard!!

Katherine: Very good point! I'm from California too and should have realized that ;-)

Janna: That's the contact schedule I will keep to!

Airam: Wow, that's almost like an early b-day party for the next year!!

Open Grove Claudia said...

I have this experience when I come from the waxing place. I walk up the stairs to jittering men.... Scary.

meleah rebeccah said...

Um Yeah.... Im dead serious.

Feel free to read the post on my blog called "Lesson Learnt."

And read the comments...apparently many people get IN THE WRONG CAR, one person was almost arrested for 'crajacking' when it was a mere case of mistaken identity.

Patti said...

You don't have to post a picture of them, Michael. It's too dangerous with little ones these days.
Unless it's from the back I guess.

kat said...

Oh my god that is a GREAT eye-dea (get it? get it???) about the coloured contacts. You should use rainbow colors and go from left to right so it would be like this:

Day One: right eye red, left eye orange

Day Two: right eye orange, left eye yellow

Day Three: right eye yellow, left eye green

Day Four: right eye gree, left eye blue

and so on... just rotating like that... wait... you meant same color eyes just changing the color everyday, didn't you?


CS said...

I think I need at least one Mulligan Day a week.

FRIGGA said...

Ha, that was a funny post. But how on Earth can you confuse your own children. I mean, my dad always gets my name wrong, but at least I know he knows which one I am - no, I'm not a twin, my dad's just bad at names. :P