Sunday, October 14, 2007

Repost Sunday: Drink This And…

Drinking, no matter what it is, can cause a lot of different things to happen to the human body. Drink too much alcohol and you can end up in jail or too embarrassed to see your friends ever again. Drink too much soda (the regular kind) and you end up overweight with really bad bones and teeth. Drink too much diet soda and you end up with a really bad taste in your mouth. Drink too much coffee and you end up jittery with heart palpitations or with no money (if your get your coffee from Starbucks). Drink too much water and, well actually, that’s ok. Coca-Cola is releasing a new green tea beverage called Enviga that they say will help you lose weight.

Finally, the miracle tonic is here and of course just like our modern image of ole Santa Claus; it could only be Coca-Cola that created it. There has been a lot of research about the effect of green tea on our metabolism and whether or not it helps us lose weight. I don’t know that it’s been proven either way yet, but people are still flocking to green tea and all the new green tea products that keep popping up out there. Coca-Cola says that drinking three cans of their Enviga within a 24-hour period can help you lose up to 100 calories. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that EXERCISE CAN GIVE YOU THE SAME RESULTS. The problem of course is that exercise doesn’t taste as good and it takes a little more work than popping a top. The good thing is that drinking three cans of coke within 24 hours will most certainly NOT help you lose weight, so I guess that’s a pretty big improvement.

With this latest shot across the bow, Enviga has re-energized and re-invigorated (so to speak) the Cola Wars. In “Cola Wars, Episode 4 – Enviga Strikes Back” (I know that’s lame, but really, it’s a Monday) the other cola giants are now stumbling over themselves to create products to compete. My special informant who is responsible for making up reporting secret news developments to me has revealed the plans that Coke’s competitors are working on. It seems they have decided to let Coke have the weight loss market and are concentrating on other revolutionary body improvement tonics.

Pepsi is getting ready to release Beautonic, which will make you look more attractive after drinking a twelve pack. I guess that’s the exact opposite of alcohol because you’d think a twelve pack would make someone else look attractive, but it seems they have found a new ingredient which alters your appearance. Not to be outdone, Dr. Pepper, the most cerebral of soft drinks (after all, it does have a PhD) is currently test marketing Smart X, which if you haven’t figured out already, will make you smarter the more you drink. Obviously, Smart X is also the opposite of alcohol. Finally, 7-Up has created a logic improving drink (rumor has it they’ve got a great ad campaign using Leonard Nimoy, which makes me think that Enviga should employ a before and after campaign with William Shatner) that allows you to relax and slow down so that you think things out more clearly before speaking and interacting with others. You guessed it, it’s called Shut-up.

As you can tell, it’s going to be an exciting time for soft drink lovers. While we’ll always be addicted (quite literally) to our sugary sweet favorites, the new products I have mentioned give us some great alternatives, with wonderful side effects. By combining all of them, what I call The Dr. Jekyll, you get all of the elements that will make you (on the surface) a great person. You’ll definitely want to down a few of each before your next dinner party or social gathering.

***Update: And if you choose not not, you'll be in the perfect position to celebrate National Grouch Day on Monday!!***

19 comments:

Patti said...

Like I said Friday, you're scaring me, Michael.

I stay away from sugary soft drinks.
I like wine. I realize you can't drink alcoholic beverages.

Janna said...

How exciting!
I'll be peeing more than ever!

Tink said...

Actually you can overdose on too much water in a short period time.

Odat said...

Oh what the heck, I'll take one of each!
Peace

Odat said...

P.S. I suppose you didn't learn any good lessons this week????

Patti said...

I knew something was missing from the weekend blogging..."your things I learned this week" Saturday post.

Michael C said...

Patti: I only do the diet thing ;-)

Janna: Well that is something to celebrate...I think: ;-)

Tink: Really? Is it called drowning?

Odat: One of each will make you the perfect person...but wait, you already are!!

Odat and Patti: I learned a few things this week, but just haven't had the blogging bug lately. Perhaps the end to my blogging is near, i fear. Hey, that rhymed!!

Airam said...

Actually if you drink too much water at once then you can drown your organs! I saw that somewhere ...

And also ... this is for Coca-Cola .... I know a way you could lose weight too! It's called exercising and eating healthy foods!!!

brandy said...

MC- Tink and Airam are right. That's why marathoners have to be so careful- a few years ago a man died in one of the big marathons in the States because he overdosed on his water consumption. It screws with your body, and not in the good way. In the bad 'you can die' way. And on a completely different note, I love that I addressed this comment directly to you, as though I read your blog and then direct my comments to other people, (ie. Hey Airam, how are you doing? Have a great Monday!) etc. Now. Did I NEED to provide an example of how I could direct a comment to someone else? Probably not. But it's Monday and I'm feeling weird.

Michael C said...

Airam: that's a scary thought. No not about the water, about the exercise and stuff. I'm kidding, I'm kidding...

Bran: Whew, I didn't know who you were addressing there ;-)

I drink a lot of water, now I'm freaked out about drowning myself. Although knowing me, that is exactly how I'll go one day...

It looks to me like you are well prepared for our little comment plan, huh?
;-)

Open Grove Claudia said...

I drink water and coffee! YUM coffee!! Did I mention that I drink coffee?? Yeah, that's right coffee but not Starbucks. Just great coffee. I make it by drip, SF French Roast to be exact. Yeah.

Did I tell you I drink coffee??

brandy said...

I'm pretty sure you won't have to worry about drowning yourself unless you fall asleep with the garden hose in your mouth or take up competitive marathoning.

Michael C said...

Claudia: I'm a little unclear here. Is it coffee that you like?

Bran: What if I take up up marathoning that isn't competitive? I ask because I'm pretty sure my first few marathons would be very uncompetitive.

Also, I just drank my first sweet tea and I may very well have to drown my mouth, throat and organs with water to get the taste out of my mouth. I think Sweet Tea Shock should be added to the garden hose and competitive marathoning list.

alphawoman said...

Enviga is old news, Coke came out (or bought the distribution rights) with it in early spring.

kat said...

What is so entertaining about your posts, besides the way you string your words together and the fun pictures you attach to them, is that I am not only being entertained with a story... it's also like a mystery because I can't tell sometimes if you are just making shit up or not.

So it's like entertainment and brain exercise. So thanks.

Candace said...

I suppose pureed celery would have negative calories, too. But eew.

It is pretty amazing the lengths people will go to to avoid exercising. :-P

How about a drink that makes you sweat out perfume?

meleah rebeccah said...

wow. for the first time I am really glad I have such bad food allergies that it would be psychically impossible for me to drink any of these items....but I would like to try the Dr Jkyll.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Yes coffee. Do you have some??

Airam said...

I love how you're afraid of drowning yourself! Too funny!