Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason, always makes me look pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 12/24/06-12/30/06.
! I learned that when my Father-in-Law dresses as Santa Claus for my daughters on Christmas Eve and I am telling other people about it on the phone, I should check first to make sure my daughters aren’t in the room.
! I learned that I should not put the lady leg lamp from ‘A Christmas Story’ next to a scene of the nativity, especially in my front window. The glow of electric sex and the holy birth are not always seen as compatible Christmas décor.
! I learned that when I open a Christmas present from one of my wife’s relatives, I should wait until we get into the privacy of our own home to tell my wife that I already was given the same present a few years ago by the same relative.
! I learned that to make my girls happy, all I need to do is wrap several boxes and tell them to go at it. They really don’t seem to care what is inside of them anyway.
! I learned that giving my wife a new wedding ring and having one of the diamonds fall out just hours after we pick it up from getting resized can make for a lousy Christmas present. This is even truer when the diamond falls out while we are with friends.
! I learned that when the nurse sticks the needle in my arm to get my blood and nothing comes out and she says “I guess I went the wrong way with the needle,” while giggling, it is going to bruise very badly. By very badly, I mean like the color of a tie-dye shirt badly.