Saturday, December 30, 2006

Things I Learned This Week: 12/30/06

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason, always makes me look pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 12/24/06-12/30/06.

! I learned that gophers can still ruin your lawn in the dead of winter and you can still ruin Christmas by constantly standing in the front window mumbling and cussing to yourself about how to get the little critters.

! I learned that when my Father-in-Law dresses as Santa Claus for my daughters on Christmas Eve and I am telling other people about it on the phone, I should check first to make sure my daughters aren’t in the room.

! I learned that I should not put the lady leg lamp from ‘A Christmas Story’ next to a scene of the nativity, especially in my front window. The glow of electric sex and the holy birth are not always seen as compatible Christmas décor.

! I learned that when I open a Christmas present from one of my wife’s relatives, I should wait until we get into the privacy of our own home to tell my wife that I already was given the same present a few years ago by the same relative.

! I learned that to make my girls happy, all I need to do is wrap several boxes and tell them to go at it. They really don’t seem to care what is inside of them anyway.

! I learned that giving my wife a new wedding ring and having one of the diamonds fall out just hours after we pick it up from getting resized can make for a lousy Christmas present. This is even truer when the diamond falls out while we are with friends.

And lastly,

! I learned that when the nurse sticks the needle in my arm to get my blood and nothing comes out and she says “I guess I went the wrong way with the needle,” while giggling, it is going to bruise very badly. By very badly, I mean like the color of a tie-dye shirt badly.


Odat said...

Poor gophers! Gettting cussed at at Christmas time! tsk..tsk!

LOL I used to dress up as Santa for my neice when she was young until she screamed once about Santa does NOT wear eye makeup!

Seems like you've gotten yourself in deep trouble again this week michael! Thanks for the lessons!


Janet C. said...

Our method of getting rid of gophers that has been most effective. 14 gauge shot gun! I think that's what handy husband used. We had over 2 feet of snow at our denver home and one of those little F**k**s came up through it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ah, Michae, Michael, where to start...

Yes, sex and childbirth do not always go together as you might think. Poor Mary. God really stuck it to her. All that pain w/o the pleasure.

In-laws have supersonic hearing. I learned this the hard way, too.

Children adore boxes. It does Not matter what is in them. We could all have saved a lot of money if we'd realized this sooner.

Please tell us the diamond was found, that it didn't fall out and disappear into a Black Hole. I live in fear of this. Our home IS a Black Hole.

If Lucy and Ethel now believe their grandfather is Santa Claus, the poor man will never rest again.

Gophers and their friends, the moles, do not hibernate. They ruin lawns year 'round.

And lastly, you should try to avoid giggling nurses bearing large needles unless you're into tattoos.

Happy New Year!

thethinker said...

Ouch, the whole needle situation sounds painful. Once, the nurse had to try three times to get my blood. How does someone that bad pass nursing school?! (But at least I didn't bruise!).

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh michael honey i am so sorry, i could have told you the last one about the needles already and you wouldn't have had to go through that one..... sorry... bee

JR's Thumbprints said...

Let me know when you learn how to turn your blog into a book deal. I'd like to follow your lead. Have a Happy New Year!

Lee said...

You have a Christmas Story lady leg lamp! Color me jealous! That's awesome!

SGT DUB said...

Happy New's Years Michael. Looking forward to a new year and what you have in store for us.

Violet said...

I hope that nurse learned not to giggle when sticks the needle in wrong...

Lizza said...

That last one made me go 'ouch!' I hope Christmas for you next year will be less painful (both physically and mentally). :-)

Happy New Year!