Friday, December 15, 2006

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’


Odat said...

I knew a seven legged hermaphidite that lived in NYC that had a red nose and flew every night! I wonder......hmmmm.....

Meloncutter said...

Two words. Beans and Helium.

(jet propulsion and lighter than air)

Later Y'all

abbagirl74 said...

I hope there aren't any children reading this post. You've ruined their lives. They will grow up wondering if their own offspring will be jacked up. :)

mist1 said...

I've never met a seven legged deer, but I did meet a man who swore that he had three legs.

Josie said...

Michael, go to Wikipedia and type in "chimera" and you will read all about what causes that. There are human beings like that as well. I think I worked for one once.

And don't forget to go to the Norad website on Christmas Eve and you can track Santa's sleigh as he goes around the earth. It's really cool and the little kids love it. Rudolph's nose shines like a beacon.

I haven't been able to post on your website for a while, but I can again, yay.


Michael C said...

Odat: I cringe to think they may be one in the same ;-)

Melon: I knew you'd know the answer. Thanks!

Abbagirl74: I apologize to all the children of the world ;-)

Mist1: Or was he just happy to see you?

Josie: I'm glad you can post again. We check out the Norad site every Christmas Eve. Did I mention that's my birthday? ;-)