Friday, December 29, 2006

It Just Could Be The Greatest Excuse Ever For Missing Work

Let’s just be upfront, most people work because they have to not because they want to. That being said, there are times when people call into work because they don’t want to go into work that given day. When I saw a story in Reuters about just such a thing, I read it looking for tips (that’s a joke of course, as my great boss has been known to frequent this blog). Boy did I find a tip. It could be one of the best excuses for missing work ever. According to Reuters, a young woman in Germany text messaged her parents that she had been kidnapped and therefore could not report to the fast food restaurant where she was employed. Yes, it is a great excuse but I’ll get back to that in a minute. She wasted such a great excuse because she wanted to avoid paying a coworker the Euros she owed that person.

For her, that’s it. She used it, blew it, and can never pull that excuse out of the ‘calling in sick’ bag ever again. For most people, they call into work and say that they aren’t feeling well, are sick, have a migraine, were temporarily disoriented and drove to the wrong office, just had a great uncle four times removed pass away, their pet or child is ill or their alarm didn’t go off. These excuses are nothing revolutionary, but are just realistic enough to be believed. I remember last year before I had to have open-heart surgery I would feel guilty when I called in sick saying I didn’t feel well, felt weak and was having trouble breathing. I worried that someone wouldn’t believe me, which could result in losing my job and how my attendance record for the year would look. When I ended up needing and having surgery, I knew that my days of calling in would not be an issue when my record then showed that I missed four months to have an artificial heart valve installed.

The genius of using your abduction as a reason for missing work lies in its boldness. It is so bold that if you actually used it, most people wouldn’t question it because it’s such an obviously fabricated excuse that they know you were risking your credibility and job by using it. Therefore, it must be true. It’s truly a brilliant excuse, if you are still following my warped logic. There is only one reason to even try to tell such a bold-faced lie and expect to get away with it. Because it’s true. That’s why I think it was such a waste when this lady used it just to get out of paying money she owed. She admitted to authorities the following day that she had made it all up. Now she’s in pretty big trouble.

If you were abducted, it should fall under some special personnel/human resources clause and be worth a lot more time than just one day. We will first operate under the assumption that your kidnappers held you for more than just one day, since I believe that’s generally what happens. When you finally are released, there must be the need for post-kidnapping counseling, as you could not be expected to be released from your captors and show up ready to do your job the following day. See, we are already over one week of time because of this abduction.

That’s one more reason why I think this could be the greatest missing work excuse ever and I’m not even going to begin exploring the whole getting in on the imaginary ransom racket yet. Well, I hope I’ve made my point. I’m done with this post and now I’ve gotta go make sure all my accomplices, I mean friends, get their stories straight when I turn up missing from the office after the New Year…

**Really Big Disclaimer: I would never try any of what I have just mentioned. While it is extremely clever, it is also illegal (I think, I really don't know but I wanted to sound stern). Now, should I happen to call in sick from work next week, please be advised that it is merely a coincidence.


Odat said... kidnap couneling??? Me thinks you need pre kidnap counseling!
Peace! and have a great weekend and Happy New Year!!!!!

Lee said...

I was thinking Tuberculosis would work real good too!

Dan said...

It's an intriguing idea -- any excuse for not going to work is intriguing.

But wouldn't this require us to remain indoors at all times, not answering the phone, not e-mailing, not communicating with the outside world at all?

Of course it would ... and the more I think about it, the more the idea appeals to me.

The wheels are turning ...

mist1 said...

Who hasn't called in abducted? Please.

I'm still on maternity leave. I don't have a baby.

Pickled Olives said...

I have enough time off with sick kids, snowdays, and holidays that I really can't justify taking time off to just take it off.

Crap, I just reread this and I am a bore.

Strep throat seems to work well for a co-worker.

Shionge said... you, I'll feel guilty calling in sick too but at times I was poorly that I have to.

I do know of pple calling in sick when they are truly not.

Anyway...Happy New Year to you & Your family. Stay Healthy always!

Meloncutter said...

Try using a mild case of smallcox. I am going to use that one today.

Later Y'all

abbagirl74 said...

Hhhmm. smallcox. sounds like he may be out for awhile.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I once called an employer to report that I wouldn't be at work because my daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia, which was true.

I was given an ultimatum, chose my daugher, and was fired.

Abduction probably would have worked better than the truth, but the person who fired me should have been the one abducted.