Lunch – The Breeding Ground For Great Ideas?? Also Known As What My Problem Really Is

At last I figured out why I have so much trouble at work. It’s not attitude, it’s not discipline, it’s not intelligence, it’s all about area of expertise, passion for what I do and comfort…ok, and a little bit of attention deficit disorder. But in my defense, when you have to stare at the same walls all day long, who can blame me?

I finally figured this out at lunch today. There we were talking about work and making work plans and being proactive when female coworker mentioned wanting to tan on her day off so she could wouldn’t have to wear nylons in Arizona for a wedding in September. Partner In Crime (formerly In The Office Two Days A Week Guy), mentioned that Nylons in Arizona sounds like the name of a bad musical. At that point, my true work talents took over and the rest of the ‘business’ lunch was lost. Partner in Crime and I spent the remainder of our lunch working on lyrics for this new musical, much, much, much to Female Coworker’s chagrin.

I started with the opening number: ‘It’s Hot’. It went something like:
It’s Hot, It’s Hot
Oh my my, it’s Hot
It’s a dry heat, not good on the thigh heat
I regret, that there’s sweat
It’s hot, It’s hot

Yeah, that’s really as far as we got, but we had the whole ‘jazz hands’ thing working and everything for the choreography. Next came ‘Tour of Arizona.’

Scottsdale, Phoenix
Marana, Casa Grande
Tuscson, Flagstaff
Time for a good laugh
Let’s tour Arizona…in Nylons

Then came the problem. What in the heck do we rhyme with ‘Nylons?’ Pylons? Crylon? Cylons? Yes, if you’re one of the 27 people still alive who is willing to admit that you watched ‘Battlestar Gallactica’ growing up, Cylons would mean something. Otherwise it’s a pretty obscure and useless reference. Do we use the term ‘hose’ instead of nylons? Hose, pose, crows, foes, rows…it really didn’t present any better opportunities.

As with any great creative team, disagreements are bound to arise. Case in point: since the only purpose of this song was to name cities in Arizona, I desperately wanted to work in the line ‘standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona’ as a tribute to the Eagles. Partner in Crime suggested there were copyright issues in doing this and unbelievably, Female Coworker did not seem to get the reference. I volunteered to change it up a little to something like ‘waiting on a curb in Winslow, Arizona’ or ‘standing by the side of the street NEAR Winslow, Arizona,’ but eventually abandoned the idea.

As lunch drew to a close, we were busy working on the big finale. I imagined it would involve lots of ladies dressed in nylons that would rip off with one tug right before the curtain falls. The song would be all about overcoming the discomfort of wearing nylons…obviously something Partner in Crime and I know a lot about, just as we know what it feels like to give birth!

Nylons are tight
They never fit just right
They run, but that’s not fun
They snag
Oh what a drag!
I hate wearing Nylons in Arizona
Maybe in Tacoma, perhaps in Sonoma
But never, ever Arizona……(cue the big finish)

And that folks is my problem. I spent the entire remainder of the day and night focused mentally on this new Musical ‘Nylons in Arizona.’ I should also mention here that I don’t think I have ever attended a musical. Regardless, while everyone else was able to get back into the office and concentrate on the many tasks at hand, I kept finding my mind drifting off to scene sets, choreography, lyrics, casting, publicity and wardrobe…and of course, what else to rhyme with nylons. Now that I know what my illness is, I can be more aware of it in the hopes of making myself a better employee. Now, how do I convince NBC that a sit-com about wearing nylons in the desert is a funny idea?????


****I wanted to thank everyone that voted for my blog as one of the ‘Bestest Blogs of the Year’ over at Bobby’s Blog. Somehow, my blog finished the voting in 5th place. I was literally shocked when I found out! Yes, I even threw up a little bit in my mouth. It is so cool that other people enjoy reading what I have to make up say. It really is touching…thanks so much. Seriously, thanks! I didn’t even vote for myself…******


Also, here’s a reminder to get your questions in for next Tuesday’s Q & A Tuesday since this will probably be my last post until next Tuesday (you can read below to see why). Did I really need to say Tuesday three times in this reminder???

It’s Got A TV, It’s Got A Bed, But It Ain’t No Hotel

Have you ever had one of those weekends you were looking forward to because you just knew you were going to be able to get away from it all for a while? I’m kinda, sorta, maybe about to have one of those weekends. There will be beds, there will be chairs, there will be TV and there will even be room service. Sadly though, it will not be the Holiday Inn, but it’s guaranteed to be much cleaner. No need to look at the sheets and mattresses with a black light here. This great vacation getaway even comes with its own stylish clothes. Nope, it’s not a country club and contrary to popular belief, it’s not a place for me to mentally rest for a while. And no, I’m not having my face reshaped or serving time for something I can’t recall doing. Besides, my coworkers said they weren’t going to press charges. Not that anything happened, but let’s just say if something were to have happened, how would one get burn marks off cubicle padding and peanut butter out of a CD-ROM player?

Where will I be vacationing later this week? It’s…….the hospital! Yes, I won four fabulous days and three amazing nights at my local Los Angeles hospital. I get to go in for a new medicine for my heart on Friday and will be staying through the weekend. I plan on sleeping, I plan on writing, I plan on Wi-Fi’ing (can I say that….I think it’s a verb), I plan on reading a great new book I bought and I plan on not having the potential side effects that are forcing me to have to be hospitalized in the first place. Here’s the deal, all I know going into this luxury-filled weekend is that the nurses assigned to me have to be trained in administering this medicine and observing me after I take it. And that folks, is a very comforting thought! There may have also been mention of possible fatal side effects, though when my cardiologist said this I was busy getting a burst bubble gum bubble off my lip and out of my hair. In my defense, gum takes a lot of effort to remove from skin and hair. I did learn a valuable lesson though; next time I mentally come back to a conversation and someone is asking me if I have any questions, I should say ‘yes’ instead of ‘nope, understood every word. Now can I have my sucker…preferably grape?’

Since I’m really only being monitored IN CASE my heart reacts badly to the medicine, I’m hoping that I can still wear shorts and a t-shirt instead of, well, ‘the gown.’ I know I’ll be asked to do some walking, so I want to be comfortable without being exposed. I am also looking forward to lapping all the older people in my ward as they take their laps around the nurse’s station, although I had to promise I wouldn’t bump anyone out of the way, like I did when I was last there after heart surgery two years ago. In all fairness to me though, I would have won if Grandpa Jones hadn’t fallen and protested the finish! I was gnawing on ice chips for three days waiting for my blood pressure to drop while I was getting over that illegal call.

All in all, I think I’ll get through the weekend just fine, although, if you don’t see another post by me by late next week, well then just assume the worst. Yes, it means my computer probably crashed. I’m already busy lining up visitors for the weekend, trying to find leis and straw hats for the nursing staff and figuring out how to have a whole pig cooked in the parking structure. I have finished casing the area around Sunset and Vermont for good dives where my friends can make food runs for me and just got back from the bank with the stash of cash that should allow me to bribe my roommate for the bed closest to the window. In light of the fact that I have to have an EKG every two hours, I’m just wondering if I should have taken out a little more money so I can bribe my way out of the nighttime tests too.

I take my vacations very, very seriously! You could almost say that I take my vacations to heart. To me vacations are a matter of life and death. It’s just heartbreaking to take a vacation and not enjoy it. All that time off can really get one’s blood flowing again. You wait all year to take a vacation and then it’s over in a heartbeat. Ok, I’m done…I promise. Though I hope I was able to get to the heart of the matter with this post. That was the last one, I swear…

Q&A Tuesday -- #4

Wow, I made it to the 4th edition of Q & A Tuesday. And yet surprisingly, the questions just keep coming. There is another great batch this week. It almost makes me feel bad for you that I am the one answering these. Once again, we need to review the rules: I don’t spell check my answers, no taking notes, no quoting me, no actual application of my answers is permitted, I am not licensed to give out help of any kind and finally, as you read my answers, please remember that I was deprived of some oxygen as a baby. Oh yeah, I also spent last night watching ‘Fletch,’ ‘Fletch Lives’ and ‘The Three Amigos,’ so my sense of reality and good judgment is a little out of whack. OK folks, with that outta the way, let us begin…

Pawlie, my SF Giants loving friend (um, we’ll talk more about that later) joined us this week to ask ‘Does your title banner mean you are a basket case? And what IS a basket case anyway?’
My blog banner photo was carefully selected by my surrogate East Coast sister, AndreaAnna (or AA). I should defer to her for the answer, but I’ll go ahead. Hold on, I need to read your question again, I forgot it (seriously, I’m not making that up)….ok, yes basket case…My blog banner depicts a handsome, smart, intelligent and creative young man (just trust me) under a trash basket. If I could get away with that at work, I would. I think it symbolizes the manner in which I go through my work day. There’s a lot of trash constantly around me, but by putting the trash basket over my head, I am actually deflecting the said trash away from me. I think a basket case is what baskets are shipped to places like Target and Cost Plus in, although I have no real proof of this.

Pawlie also asked: ‘which is your favorite mark of punctuation? And which is your least favorite punctuation mark?!;:',....;’
My favorite would be the comma, because, I, like, using, effective, pauses, to, underscore, certain, ideas, when, I, write. My least favorite is this one: ‘;’ Why? It still trips me up a lot and tries to muscle in on the comma’s game!

Ian’s question made me hungry, but that’s ok, I can handle it. He asked: ‘What three foods will you eat until you're full up to the esophagus regardless of doctor's orders?’
Well, it would have to be lobster rolls, cheese and cheeseburgers. Although I have to caution you, after watching this year’s 4th of July hot dog eating contest, I have seen what it looks like when someone is full up to their esophagus and its aftermath. It isn’t pretty, so I’ll stop at the collar bone, just to be on the safe side.

This brings us to Brandy’s weekly 5 five. Man, can this girl ask questions! I know it’s payback for some questions I asked her, but I can take it as well as dish it out (that’s what she said, Bran!). Here we go…
1. What Disney character do you most relate to?
I would love to say someone cool like Donald, his nephews, Aladdin, Lightning McQueen or any of the side characters portrayed by Cliff Claven, but let’s be honest here. You have all read my blog….the answer is Goofy (sigh) and will always be Goofy.

2. If you could outlaw one person and force them to live the rest of their days in a cave, hidden deep in the desert, who would it be and why?
Easy – Jeff Freakin’ Gordon. If you aren’t familiar with NASCAR, let me just explain it this way…the dude is my personal Devil! He’s my mortal enemy. Does he know this? Well, I think he has heard me yelling at him from the stands of the California Speedway and Las Vegas Motor Speedway a few times. Yeah, I think he knows he’s on my cave banishment list!

3. What's love got to do with it?
Interesting question Tina Bran. The degree of love’s applicability is solely commensurate to where it is asking to be used. For example: Quantum Physics – love does NOT have to do with it. Conversely, there is makin’ babies – love DOES have to do with it. Brick laying – no love. Taking care of a baby at 4AM – forced love. As a wise man once said, there is ‘love or something like it…’

4. Would you rather fight a really angry Kenny Rogers or a bobcat?
Oooh, this is a good one! I would have to say the bobcat. I know this will come as a surprise to many of you because you view Kenny as more of a lover (or yes, a gambler), but I want to refer you to another Kenny, the angry, ‘gotta prove I’m not a coward’ Kenny. If you recall the Kenny that sang ‘Coward of the County,’ he took on the three Gatlin boys BY HIMSELF. I mean you could’ve heard a pin drop when he stopped and locked the door…That’s some serious anger. Bring on the bobcat, man!!!

5. If the presidential election was today, who would you vote for- and why?
Is Harry S. Truman still running? I’m finishing up a book about him and that was one good president! He ended WWII, saw us through FDR’s death and wore a cool hat and bow tie. Yes, if he’s still running, I say vote for Give ‘Em Hell Harry!!

Erica AP asked ‘Where in New England do you want to retire to?’
I’ve never thought that far ahead, really. Probably somewhere in Maine where my mom’s family is from. As long as it’s near a lobster shack and it can get satellite TV, I’m pretty ok with it. It would be nice it was coastally located. Perhaps near a Target. And a BBQ supply store. And a Chili’s. But those are my only requirements. Ok, a fondue place close by would be good to. It has to be off the main road. But that’s all, I swear. A Dairy Queen would be nice though…

Airam, who may just be becoming Corona’s biggest fan, wanted to know ‘if there's one thing about your past that you could change, would you? Why or why not?
Well, I know that when I was younger while my grandmother was swinging me from her arms into my bed, she accidentally slammed me into the wall. This, combined with my temporary lack of baby oxygen, has undoubtedly left some gaping holes in my intelligence. I don’t think you can tell though…..
I would take those episodes back. Then maybe I would pursue more noteworthy accomplishments than seeing just how close I can thread the needle between melted and burnt cheese.

I pondered including this next question for quite some time. As part of a much larger and legitimate comment, Heart of Darkness began the comment by writing ‘Haha, aren't you cute????’ Although it was asked in a sarcastic way, it nonetheless ended in a question mark and according to the rules set forth in Q&A Tuesday #1, I am therefore required to answer it, because it was posed in the form of a question. Will this get me into trouble? Most likely yes…
My answer. I’d certainly LIKE to think I am. Now if you asked the ladies eating across from us at the burger joint during lunch today, the answer would be a resounding NO!

The Exception is a new visitor who jumped right in to ask some hard hitting questions. She asked: ‘if you could have any job in the world, money is not an issue, what would that job be?’
I’m cheating as I can only narrow it down to 3. If I could have any job, I would want to be either a writer for SNL, David Letterman’s replacement or Mike Rowe’s replacement on ‘Dirty Jobs.’ I thought about saying US President, but it involves way too many hours!

The Exception then pulled out all the stops and asked ‘Secondly, my 7 year old recently asked "What is sex?" My question, how will you answer "What is sex?" when posed by one or both of your daughters?
Yikes! I will look at them seriously, point out the window and yell ‘look what the dog has in her mouth!’ Then I will run the type of run that Forrest Gump ran just because he felt like running…

Scottsdale Girl asked an inappropriate question. Ok, well not really, but kinda. I mean it did involve the word inappropriate. She asked ‘How do you feel about the inappropriate use of You're, your and yer also Their There and They're?’
Simply put, it annoys me when people use there grammar incorrectly. Your really not surprised by that though, right? I mean yer supposed to learn these things in school. Sorry, I had to. Or is it, too?

Frigga’s question just might explode my head. She wanted to know ‘If you have train A leaving Corona, Ca at 4:20pm and train B leaving Weed, Ca at 3:41pm, train A is going 97 mph & train B is going 73 mph and there's a bee. The bee can fly 159 mph, what time will the bee be crushed?
Whew! Uh, hmmmm. Well, let me see…oh my God! Look what the dog has in her mouth!!!

I love Patti’s questions (I mean she is a reporter and all) and this week was no different. Patti wondered ‘When you are saying things out loud, in the real world, do you say BBQ or the word "barbecue"?’
I actually say the word. I fear that if I just say the letters, people will think I’m trying to be cool, like when I used the work ‘mack’ as in ‘you should really go ‘mack’ on her. What, that’s not cool anymore? Oh man……

My bestest blogging buddy Odat asked 'Is it too late to ask a question?'
In the philosophical sense, it is never too late to ask questions. That is how we continue learning. In the Q&A Tuesday sense, it really isn't too late either. I hope that helps!!

And with that, I close this week's Q&A Tuesday! Thanks for all of the great questions, I hope I've been able to help at least a few of you and mark your calendars for next week!!

Sunday Meme: The Alumni Newsletter One

AndreAnna, the Dean of Cool New Words (and giver of really cool blog banners), recently tagged me with a pretty cool meme. Well, that is if I do it correctly - I’m still a little unsure. Here are the rules: ‘First write a nauseatingly perky paragraph about your life, the type of paragraph you see in alumni newsletters. Then write a franker, funnier one.’

Well, since I spent about 7 years doing PR, I feel I can make anything seem positive or more important than it really is. Heck, I got a lice shampoo pretty decent media coverage once! Unfortunately, they paid me with a year’s supply. Know anybody with head lice?

Ok, here’s the perky one:

Michael is currently employed with a well-respected company in Southern California. He holds a position of authority and is highly thought of for his leadership ability both in and out of the office. He is the father to two adorable soon to be 5-year old identical twin daughters and credits their enthusiasm as keeping him young and healthy. Michael’s hobbies include writing, cooking and various sporting and outdoor activities. He hopes to retire in a small New England town after many satisfying years with his current employer.

Now, here’s the more realistic version…

Michael is currently employed. The company is in Southern California, but he did not wish to elaborate. In fact, he threatened us when we asked him to. Aside from being able to answer the phone or take restroom breaks whenever he wishes, Michael has no real authority. Michael is somewhat respected by a few of his coworkers because of the pranks he has been able to think of and successfully execute upon the few coworkers that do not somewhat respect him. He has two daughters that look exactly alike and while he adores them, they do tend to drive him insane and make him clutch his chest a lot. Michael’s hobbies include reading what other people write and watching television shows about cooking or sports. He would like to retire tomorrow and escape move to New England, but has not saved up enough money.

I hope I did this correctly. It’s a lot of fun and I tag anyone who wishes to try it. Or for that matter, anyone who wishes NOT to. Have fun and let me know when yours is completed.

****Reminder that Q & A Tuesday is around the corner. Remember to get your questions in. You can ask me anything, geography, science, politics, food, just ask away.****

Things I Learned This Week: 8/4/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason it never makes me look good. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 7/29/07-8/4/07.

! I learned that whenever HR comes to the office, it’s never ‘just to say hi.’ When they ask if I know why they are visiting, I should not answer ‘because my coworkers don’t appreciate the artistic mastery of me singing Kenny Rogers’ Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.’ If you never take another one of my tips, just trust me on this one.

! I learned that having Lucy and Ethel walk on my back helps make my lower back feel much better. It’s their unexpected running across the room to jump onto my back that I did not anticipate. This quickly removed all the healing benefits of having them walk on it just minutes before.

! I learned that tossing Lucy and Ethel’s toasted frozen waffles to them like a Frisbee when they are cooked was probably not the best way to give them their food, especially when they started flipping them back to me. Sadly, their aim is not yet as good as mine.

! I learned the answer to the age old question ‘if an employee walks into a filing cabinet in an empty hallway, will anyone hear or see it?’ The answer is a most resounding yes. Not only will they hear and see it, the will tell others and remind you of it for the remainder of the day.

! I learned that I may have a slight issue or even obsession when I spent an entire lunch with my coworkers defending Tina Fey’s honor. How can they all be so blind!!

! I learned that an unwatched pot will indeed boil. In fact, it will boil over and make an awful mess. I also learned that while cleaning up this very same mess that an unwatched cut of meat on the grill will burn and become suitable only for beef jerky. The remedy for all of this is McDonalds of course…

And lastly

! I learned that as a daddy, there is nothing wrong with dancing in front of the TV to the Wiggles. That being said, there is apparently something wrong with it when I am dancing to the Wiggles and the twins are not around. It’s also a little difficult to explain when I’m caught doing so.

WWWhat A Great Anniversary To Celebrate

Yesterday was the anniversary of the World Wide Web, or the WWW, if you’re cool and hip. I’m not, so I will keep having to type out World Wide Web. In just a relatively few short years, think of how this invention has become so integral to our lives. I mean you are reading this blog post on the World Wide Web and will undoubtedly leave it to surf other things on the World Wide Web. In fact, you may leave this World Wide Web page before even finishing this post. Granted, that’s kind of rude, but not really the point I am trying to make about the World Wi…you know what, I’m going with just calling it the WWW and I don’t care what anyone says!

The WWW has made accessing information so much easier. It has made terms or companies like Google or MapQuest now part of our language. Heck, Google and MapQuest are actually verbs now. I Google and MapQuest stuff all the time. I Google recipes, information on things of interest, you name it. I used to ogle, but I am past that now. I also MapQuest directions almost daily. Granted I never trust their directions and go with my own intuition, but 9 times out of 10 that just leads me to turning around and going back to the exact spot that I deviated from MapQuest’s directions in the first place.

I waste a lot of gas doing this, but that’s ok because I can just use the WWW to find the cheapest place selling gas. The only problem with that is it’s the same place everyone else goes to get gas. Fortunately, I can also use the WWW to find the station selling the most expensive gas. I go there and never have to wait in line. In fact, the people working there are so incredibly friendly. They always smile and laugh as I pull away.

The WWW is an amazing never ending maze of interesting websites with one leading you to another with just a click of the mouse and your interest to guide you. It’s almost like an intricate spider web that begins at one single point and radiates out in many different ways. This complex web of entertainment and information is made up of sites from all over the world. When you think about it, it’s like a spider web that is world wide. Oh, wait a minute…so THAT’S why that call it that. Hmmm, go figure.

I have found that I can seek the answers to almost anything on line. When I wanted to know how to crack open a coconut, I used the WWW. Although I think I did it wrong because I ended up striking my thumb with the hammer. Still though, the information I received on the WWW gave me a starting point. When I needed a recipe for homemade frozen ice cream, the WWW gave me several. The only thing is, apparently you need to make sure you are using the right recipe for the capacity of your ice cream maker or you will make too much and then the ice cream maker will stop turning. The reaction of that action seems to be a burnt motor. No fear though, you can find your ice cream maker manufacturer’s website on the WWW and check the warranty. I did that, and the warranty doesn’t cover the mistake I made. I was tempted to use the WWW to send a nasty letter to the ice cream maker’s maker, but I came across a news story about panda poop souvenirs and never sent it.

I hope I have given you just a small sampling of the World Wide Web’s amazing power and potential. I feel so strongly about it (and the fact that I missed the WWW’s real anniversary yesterday) that I composed a short poem to honor the World Wide Web…

Oh WWW
What would I do without ya

It’s such a fun trick
To be able to click

When I need something really quick

It’s so much fun to be online
All of the time...

Unless I am at work

Repost Wednesday: Hey You, You’re Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year (Actually, You Are Too)

Sorry folks, taking the lazy way out again today. Forgive me...

In case you haven’t heard, you were named Time’s Person of the Year over the weekend. Of course so was I and you, and you and yes, you too. Time Magazine named you their Person of the Year for 2006. Don’t get too excited. Although they named you, they didn’t use your name and it is the same magazine that named Hitler their Person of the Year in 1938 or so. Fortunately they named a lot of other great folks as person of the year to make up for that lack of judgment, sanity and reason.

Not that I ever sat around day dreaming about what it would be like when I was finally named Person of the Year, but let’s just say it wasn’t exactly what I pictured (if I had day dreamed about it, of course). I expected to get some formal notification from the folks at Time and not read about it on a news website. They didn’t call you, did they? Being named the Person of the Year, I’m still awaiting a special dinner in my honor, or maybe in yours.

It seems that the revolutionary transformation of the internet led to me (and yes, you) being named to this prestigious honor (with the exception of course of the aforementioned Hitler thing). With millions of people throughout the world flocking to sites like MySpace, YouTube and blogs everywhere, it seems we have changed the world in our own little way. Many people call it Web 2.0 and it’s the personalization of the internet away from the ‘dot com’ type stuff that got people noticing (I guess, at this point I’m really just guessing). My only question is if someone who doesn’t blog or post on YouTube can consider themselves to be the Person of the Year? Oh wait, everybody and their mother has a MySpace account so I guess they’re covered.

As amazing as the new internet may be, one has to wonder how you became Person of the Year. Do the Time big wigs pass around a hat and everyone puts the name of someone they want to nominate into it. I imagine the hat would be filled with names like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, President Bush, Kim Jong-il, the genius that decided to make a reality show of that Dog bounty hunter dude or maybe the new Pope. Now I have to go to confession for not remembering his name. After all, how hard was it to remember Pope John Paul? His name isn’t Pope George Ringo, is it? That would be easier; I mean seriously, I can remember Kim Jong-il, but not the Pope? Man I’m in trouble! Was the name ‘You’ put in the hat as a joke and everyone liked it so much that they went with it? Maybe the folks at Time decided to take a break this year and use the easy way out. I bet they’ve had the ‘You’ card in their back pocket for years but finally felt this was the year they didn’t want to research anyone else. They’re probably still kicking themselves for not naming everyone as the Person of the Year for the war effort after we won WWII. The closest they’ve come to taking a break before was naming the Earth in 1988 and the computer in ’82.

Whatever their reason for using it this year, I couldn’t think of a better time to be selected for this honor than at Christmas time which is one of my favorite times of the year. I think I’ll donate my Person of the Year check to a worthy charity or maybe Blogger.com so they can further blog technology to the point where I only have to think of my post and make it appear. Hey Blogger programmers, it really would be much more efficient. What, really? No check for such an honor? I bet Ted Turner got a check when he was named in 1991! Now I’m thinking of just giving my Person of the Year trophy back! You’re kidding me, no trophy either? Tell me that Jimmy Carter didn’t get a trophy and I might be ok with all of this.

I think I’ll just ask my Mom to hold a special dinner in my honor. I think we’ll rent out the Elks lodge down the street and invite as many of my fellow People of the Year as possible. Hopefully we can still get a good polka band. I’d also like a parade and a 3-story blown up print of the cover, although for some reason I’m not actually on it. I’m sure it was just an oversight. Wait, you weren’t on the cover were you? Even Stalin got a cover…

Q&A Tuesday -- #3

Well, it’s that time of the week again. Time to answer your burning questions. Though if your questions are burning, I suggest you see a doctor. It could be something serious like Meningitis and we most certainly do not want that. As usual, there are a lot of good questions this week. I’m particularly excited because I think I might actually be able to answer these. Ok, let’s all sign our waivers of liability and review the rules: no, taking notes, no putting any of my suggestions into practice unless I say otherwise, no cross checking my stories facts. Also, don’t share any of this with little kids or grade schoolers. They are almost as impressionable as I am. And with that, let the Q & A begin…just remember, this is too long to spell check…

Brandy is first off this week and she poses quite the challenge (that’s what she said, Bran) with not one, or two, or three, or even four, but five whole questions, as only the most excellent of teachers can do. Gulp, here we go…
1. Favourite superhero?
Well, I have created two different superheroes over the last year, so I am partial to those. But, I’m an Aquaman, uh, man. I’ve always liked him and I always liked swimming. Plus Aquaman had that cool bleached blonde hair that only swimmers get. I think he was the most underrated of the whole Justice League and he wasn’t voiced by Kasey Kasem, so he gets the nod in my book.

2. Guilty pleasure? (you can discuss the Marilyn Monroe dress fitting here if you want).
Uh no. That’s for your birthday and cameras are strictly prohibited!! I guess I’m not an exciting guy, because my guilty pleasure is either grilling lobster tails when alone or playing and singing along to classic country in my truck while driving with the volume so high that my ears ring and flinch for the next few days. Ok, all of that was just to make me look cool (did it work). My guilt pleasure is singing Kenny Rogers’ ‘Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers’ as loud as I can or all high parts in the Bee Gees songs from the ‘Saturday Night Fever’ soundtrack. Actually, after sharing this, I feel it’s more of an Embarassing Pleasure than a guilty one, but try it and you’ll be hooked.

3. Last lie you told?
Easy. It was at work and was related to being asked the status of a project I am working on. See, I’m not actually working on it. Bwahahahaha. But I guess I’d better get started on it now that I’ve mentioned it publicly. Dangit!!!

4. Person who knows you best?
Wow. I’d like to be mysterious and say no one, but then that would become my new answer to your question #3. Great question! Probably my best friend. We’ve known each other for a very long time and he just gets me. I also had a goldfish once that seemed to nod or shake his head when I asked him questions and he was only wrong like twice, but he died and I had to flush him down the toilet. He got stuck and the plunger kinda made it worse. You know what, let’s not talk about that right now…

5. Ahh!! You are locked in a room with a box of Q-tips, a mousetrap, a stick of gum and a mirror. Evil villians are standing outside the door in case you try to something funny. How do you escape?
I’m thinking this is Bran’s patented ‘revenge’ question, or pregunta if you speak Spanish like I don’t. OK, I don’t remember which one, but I think it was Goldfinger. It was definitely a Connery Bond film (who dressed nowhere near as cool as Roger Moore with his butterfly collars and bell bottom slacks, by the way). In this particular Bond classic, he is locked in a cell. He finally gets the gurard to come in and somehow through the magic of cinema and pure Bondness, he ends up clinging upside down to the ceiling, even though he had no visible means of getting up there. He then attacks the guard, says something witty, saves the world and makes sweet Bond lovin’. Wow, I hope I didn’t blow the plot there for anyone. Any way, that’s what I would do to escape. I’d save the Q-tips for later (has anyone noticed how expensive they are getting). I’d use the mousetrap to slice me some cheese after I escape, I’d chew the gum and blow bubbles because that’s my thing and I’d check my hair in the mirror. Then I’d ignore my bosses right before the credits roll because Ursula Andress would be in major wow of me…

I like Patti’s question: ‘Speaking of dung (in reference to yesterday’s crappy post), is that where the word "dungarees" originated? It just hit me while reading. That could be a Tuesday Q & A question, I suppose, but I already contributed.
Here’s the thing Patti. Since your blog comment ended in a question mark, I have to answer it. So, my answer is, I have no idea. Although I bet the chances are pretty good. Dungarees, or jeans, were worn by cowboys and cowboys probably feel in horse ‘stuff’ a lot. I think they were originally called Arees, but they kept getting dung on them and the name was lengthened because they proved to be dung resisitant. Hence the name Dungarees. Ok, I am going to regret ever typing this explanation some day.

Patti also asked
1) Assuming Lucy is the older of your twins, and without getting too personal or nosy, my question is: Does Lucy get to open her birthday presents first?
No, they open everything at basically the same time. Not having them do so makes things very, very ugly. Synchronizing the timing is a lot of work, but it’s well worth it.
2) We have learned that vanilla is your favorite flavor of ice cream. But what is your second favorite?
BBQ Pork. I have an ice cream maker and am really tempted to try this one. It can’t be that bad. Although cold congealed fat does not sound that appealing. OK, Lime Sherbet it is!

Ralph, my BBQ brother in arms, posed a somewhat personal question. He asked ‘Is a guy's BBQ manhood determined by the depth of char on the grilled specimens.’
First of all, I don’t think a guy’s manhood should ever get too close to the grill. Having said that, yes, perhaps that’s the most fair method. The more char, the worse the guy is at true ‘Q. Some guys just put the meat on the grill and it looks like it went through reentry from space. It’s a travesty!! Yes Ralph, that’s the new standard for good grill mastery. By the way, I never char my food…

My best blog buddy Odat asked about a favorite topic of mine: ‘Why is your dog named Mabel?’
Well Odat, I wanted to name her Earnhardt, but was overruled, by two one and a half year olds!! I wanted something kind of southern and old fashioned (because Maybe Baby - that’s what I call her - is my first dog). Aunt Bee didn’t work, Mabelline only made me start singing the Chuck Berry song and Mabel just kinda stuck. She’s my 85 pound Golden Retriever lap dog. I put her in the dang recliner with me once when she was a puppy and she never got over it!!

Kat, who I could get into a lot of trouble with if we ever hit the town, said this: ‘Your blog cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. That isn't a question. That is a known fact.’
Yes, I realize that is not a question, but seriously people, that’s one heck of an endorsement!!! Thanks Kat!

I am not very good at geography, but Airam posed a few geography questions. Well, ok, that’s a bit of a stretch, but is about someplace on a map….She asked ‘Is there really a Corona, California?
Yes, Airam there is really a Corona, CA and yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Sorry I cold not resist that. If you aren’t familiar with Southern California, let’s just say we are 25 minutes from Disneyland. Corona sits between Pabst, California and Michelob, California. If you are familiar with country music, Gretchen Wilson had a song last year called ‘California Girls,’ or something like that. In it she sings a line about ‘Sacramento to Corona.’ So see, because it’s in a country song, it’s real. We are at the border of Orange County. We are so close to there, you can actually see the Orange stripe of paint that marks where Orange County begins.

If so do they offer Corona beer in the cities water fountains there?
No, the water tastes bad though and they let drunks sleep on park benches

Is Corona the beer of choice?
There are parts of this town where I swear rubbing alcohol is the beer of choice!

Basically this is a question about beer. Are you drinking beer right now? You now owe me 2 dollars!’
No, I cannot drink beer because of my heart medication. However I do like to put different flavors in my diet coke and when the caffeine kicks in, I am a riot! As far as the 2 dollar part, a lot of people have been asking me that. It’s puzzling because I was pretty sure that I specified I was not being truthful and had not real intention of paying anyone. I’ll give you a beer though…

AndreAnna, who could very well be my lost surrogate sister, asked two questions very near and dear to my heart. No not about the twins, about cheese!

‘What is your favorite type of cheese?’
I should be fancy and say something like Havarti or Mizithra or Brie, but then I would by lying and that might discourage future Q & A participation. I’m a cheddar guy. I don’t know who originated cheddar, but I can tell you that it’s Latin for ‘Slow Yellow Death.’ Despite the morbid moniker, I still try to shoot up eat cheddar every day. It can be mild or it can be sharp, which ironically are the two classifications of chest pain that one experiences just prior to a heart attack. So, be careful with cheddar! AA also asked ‘Do you always prefer it melted?’
Prefer yes, always eat it melted, now. There are just those times where you cannot get to a cheese melting device. I tried the hood of a car in a parking lot on a hot day once, but it got a little gooey and ran down the side of that car. It did not help that the owner walked out as I was licking it off his hub caps. He didn’t really care when I explained that his car was much cleaner than mine and therefore more suited to cheese meltation. And speaking of melting cheeses and such, I am now craving a trip to The Melting Pot! Maybe I’ll just go put a bunch of stuff in a bowl and melt it in the microwave. Do you think 22 minutes is long enough to melt it?

My neighbor down south, Frigga got some questions in this week. These are my mind bending questions, but I’m up to the challenge! HA HA!!

1. How do you fry coke?
I’m not quite sure Frigga, but I plan on working on answering that tonight. However, if I don’t blog tomorrow, it’s because there was a horrible, horrible accident in my kitchen. I bet it’ll smell good though!!!

2. How come when I'm really, really, really tired I can't fall asleep?
Our bodies are weird things. When our brain realizes that we aren’t asleep, even though we should be, it works overtime to get us to sleep, which actually only keeps us more alert. However, don’t fear because there is a way to combat this. How do you feel about oxygen deprivation? It’s just a thought…

Ok, thanks everybody!! With a little luck, we’ll do it again next week!!

This Idea Smells Like…

I came across an AP story this morning about yet another aspect of the 2008 Olympic Games in China. Simply put, an organization in China is preparing to make Olympic souvenirs like little Olympic trophies depicting Pandas in the various Olympic Sports. Ok, that’s a cute idea, but the souvenirs will be made out of…PANDA DUNG. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, come again? Yep, Panda DUNG! Yesiree, not only would you be lucky enough to attend the Olympic Games in China, but you could take home some lovely molded Panda ‘Passings’ to remember the event. I am actually booking my flight right now! Thanks Expedia!!!!

The story says that the souvenirs would mostly be made out of things like undigested bamboo found in the Panda dung and that it would be sterilized. Apparently Pandas don’t digest bamboo very well (I guess it’s kind of their version of ‘in corn/out corn’). I’m sure there is some eco-friendly benefit from doing this, but what it all comes down to is that you would be buying Panda feces made pretty. I realize that Pandas are cute and rare and endangered, but it doesn’t meant that their dung is too. Isn’t the white Rhino or some other animal like that endangered as well? Have you seen what comes out of an animal like a Rhino? What’s next cute little pie and cake sculptures made out of cow pies? Will their soon be hair care products on the market made of camel spit? This all sounds like a really, uh, crappy idea.

How do you put something like that on a resume? Obviously you want to dress up the description of any job you have ever had, but how do you describe this one? Are you a ‘Fecal Matter Recycling Expert?’ Do your duties include ‘cleansing of Panda dung for preparation for consumer consumption?’ How about ‘Panda Waste Artist?’ And really, what job does this qualify you for? Do you look at the guys that follow behind horses in parades with buckets and shovels as the internship or training grounds for Panda Waste Artists? Do the Fecal Engineers in training practice honing their skills on Play-Doh or modeling clay or worse yet, pet waste? What does a job like this pay? What are the benefits and are gloves provided at no expense? Is the pay scale related to the relative size of animal’s waste?

You know, I have a fairly large dog. The dog likes to eat and obviously requires cleaning up after. I’m just sayin’…

Let it be known that I would be more than willing to sell Mabel’s byproducts to a company wanting to make little sculptures of the characters on the Office or little NASCAR replicas. I mean, if it’s such a good idea and all. Talk about unlimited supply potential here. I mean have you ever been to a zoo?? Or a dairy?

Since I’m now to the point where I can really do nothing other than make crappy bad jokes, I should stop before I really stink up the joint. Besides, I’m going to start working on a new cologne using the essence of skunk….

*****Here’s a reminder that tomorrow is once again Q & A Tuesday. Get your questions in and I’ll happily fumble around until I have typed enough so that it appears I honestly tried to answer them.*****

Repost Sunday: It Just Could Be The Greatest Excuse Ever For Missing Work

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. This one is from last December...

Let’s just be upfront, most people work because they have to not because they want to. That being said, there are times when people call into work because they don’t want to go into work that given day. When I saw a story in Reuters about just such a thing, I read it looking for tips (that’s a joke of course, as my great boss has been known to frequent this blog). Boy did I find a tip. It could be one of the best excuses for missing work ever. According to Reuters, a young woman in Germany text messaged her parents that she had been kidnapped and therefore could not report to the fast food restaurant where she was employed. Yes, it is a great excuse but I’ll get back to that in a minute. She wasted such a great excuse because she wanted to avoid paying a coworker the Euros she owed that person.

For her, that’s it. She used it, blew it, and can never pull that excuse out of the ‘calling in sick’ bag ever again. For most people, they call into work and say that they aren’t feeling well, are sick, have a migraine, were temporarily disoriented and drove to the wrong office, just had a great uncle four times removed pass away, their pet or child is ill or their alarm didn’t go off. These excuses are nothing revolutionary, but are just realistic enough to be believed. I remember last year before I had to have open-heart surgery I would feel guilty when I called in sick saying I didn’t feel well, felt weak and was having trouble breathing. I worried that someone wouldn’t believe me, which could result in losing my job and how my attendance record for the year would look. When I ended up needing and having surgery, I knew that my days of calling in would not be an issue when my record then showed that I missed four months to have an artificial heart valve installed.

The genius of using your abduction as a reason for missing work lies in its boldness. It is so bold that if you actually used it, most people wouldn’t question it because it’s such an obviously fabricated excuse that they know you were risking your credibility and job by using it. Therefore, it must be true. It’s truly a brilliant excuse, if you are still following my warped logic. There is only one reason to even try to tell such a bold-faced lie and expect to get away with it. Because it’s true. That’s why I think it was such a waste when this lady used it just to get out of paying money she owed. She admitted to authorities the following day that she had made it all up. Now she’s in pretty big trouble.

If you were abducted, it should fall under some special personnel/human resources clause and be worth a lot more time than just one day. We will first operate under the assumption that your kidnappers held you for more than just one day, since I believe that’s generally what happens. When you finally are released, there must be the need for post-kidnapping counseling, as you could not be expected to be released from your captors and show up ready to do your job the following day. See, we are already over one week of time because of this abduction.

That’s one more reason why I think this could be the greatest missing work excuse ever and I’m not even going to begin exploring the whole getting in on the imaginary ransom racket yet. Well, I hope I’ve made my point. I’m done with this post and now I’ve gotta go make sure all my accomplices, I mean friends, get their stories straight when I turn up missing from the office after the New Year…

**Really Big Disclaimer: I would never try any of what I have just mentioned. While it is extremely clever, it is also illegal (I think, I really don't know but I wanted to sound stern). Now, should I happen to call in sick from work next week, please be advised that it is merely a coincidence.

***Remember to get your questions in because Q & A Tuesday is on, well, Tuesday***

The One About Music And Stuff

Things are a little different today. The Rock Chick is hosting a blogathon to support the VH1 Save The Music Foundation. She will have updated posts for the next 24 hours.

That is some SERIOUS dedication and deserves applause. I wrote a post for the occasion that she will have posted for a little while today. She wanted a post about music, but I wrote about pig farming. I hope she doesn't mind. I'd hate to ruin her blogathon...

Did I really do something that incredibly stupid, well, you'll just have to head over to The Rock Chick's blog and find out!!

Lazy Friday Repost: Want To Get Away From It All? Get Yourself A Country.

I have a pretty important doctor's appointment in L.A. today, so it's a repost. Sorry. The following post is why I'll never be allowed to be a politician. Enjoy!

I would never suggest something like that title if it weren’t true. According to Reuters, this time it is true. How would you like to own the apparently sovereign principality of Sealand? The island (it’s a generous explanation because it looks more to me like the wreckage of Blofeld’s off shore oilrig from ‘Diamonds Are Forever.’ Maybe something happened to the rest of it?) was built during World War II as a fortification against German bombers. In 1967, a retired army officer purchased the two tower, 16-room ‘island.’ But that’s not all; tell them what else they get: a Sealand flag, constitution, postage stamps, national anthem, and even Sealand coinage. No, they are not chocolate medallions. Wikipedia (I really did my research this time) says that as a principality, Sealand has to be transferred instead of sold, but it can still be yours!

What a great comeuppance to those pesky neighbors down the street who seem to have everything and flaunt it at every opportunity. Wouldn’t it be great to shut them up by inviting them for a quiet weekend in your very own country? Seriously, how could you not resist doing that? Whoever successfully takes possession of this small country needs to be researched thoroughly. I joked about James Bond earlier, but really, this is how dictators and world domination mongers get a foothold. First, you give them some money, then you give them a base of operations and before you know it, they are making space ships disappear and building fake volcanoes and miniature exact DNA replicas of themselves. Autonomy is just the shelter they need.

Power is a strange drug that can go to people’s heads. It’s often been said that you give a tyrant an island and you’re giving them the world. OK, I made that up, but it’s good, don’t you think? The availability of Sealand is really a unique event since there can’t be too many more small islands on earth that can still be bought up and made autonomous. Well, OK, at least there aren’t that many that Disney hasn’t bought up to be used as destinations for their cruises. Unfortunately, the domain of small independent countries is probably only open to the very wealthy. Does anyone know if lending institutions grant loans for the purchase and establishment of new countries? I guess I could always sign a bunch of pledges up to sponsor me in a walkathon to raise enough money to buy Sealand. The only problem with that is that I would actually have to walk from my home in Southern California to Sealand (somewhere off the coast of England) to get anywhere near enough money to afford the country. My guess is that somewhere near the Arizona border I would either decide to quit or drop dead from exhaustion, so that option is out. I had already thought of approaching friends and relatives to become investors, but that’s just going to end up in messy litigation when I attempt to change the name of my newly purchased country to Funlandia or Happy Time Isle…

Now if I only could find a way to purchase Sealand, because I have a lot of great ideas to share with you. I would finally be able to institute my failed Funday initiative (hence my wanting to name the country Funlandia) that would effectively ban Mondays from the Sealand calendar forever. I could make the official bird the plastic pink flamingo and finally make ‘Islands In the Stream’ our National Anthem. My country would completely stop for the Daytona 500 and believe me; my country would send a curling team to the Winter Olympics and a bowling team to the Summer Olympics. What, there’s no bowling in the Olympics? (Note to my foreign deputy minister: prepare petition on behalf of my country to get bowling instituted as an Olympic exhibition event).

In my small autonomous country, stretch pants would be declared punishable by fines and the ‘Just Because They Make It In Your Size Doesn’t Mean You Should Wear It Law’ would be passed and enacted. Unfortunately, I would have to declare war, which obviously will be the first controversial act of my nation. It won’t be a war of revolution or religion though. It will be a war on crappy reality TV. We’ll probably lose it, be forced to surrender and be internationally disgraced for a time, but I guess those are the chances you take as a young country.

I promise that our new nation will conduct itself with grace and dignity, never wear white after Labor Day or socks with sandals. I think this will get us admitted to the UN, but my sleazy lawyer disagrees saying something about international law, diplomacy, legitimacy and he keeps using the phrase ‘a real country.’ Whatever! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Sealand on the map and finish writing my business plan for world domination. Uh, I mean ownership of a small autonomous country…Bwahahaha!!

Uh, I Suppose We Should Play Work While At Work…

Before I go any further, I need to give the biggest props of all time to AndreAnna! Seriously folks, drop by her blog and tell her how much she fluffernuttin’ rocks! If you look up, no not at the ceiling, at my blog’s banner, you might notice it has changed. Or you might not noticed it has changed, but I assure you, it has changed for the better!!! She was more than nice enough to have it created for me and for that, I thank her. Is it my birthday? No. Is it my pretend substitute birthday (Aug. 16th if anyone is wondering)? No. It was just a really nice blogtastic gesture and it inspired me to bore delight you with more stories of recent office goings on. I put up yesterday’s post and realized I had forgotten three key occurrences and something that just happened, which has to be blogged about.

You may not think that anything could top hand eating coffee mugs or hand eating coworkers, but we had a fire drill late the day of our staff meeting. Mr. Fingernail Biting Socially Oblivious is our department’s safety warden, so we all know we are in good hands. I need to mention that our company’s fire drills are intended to be a surprise, except to safety wardens. Although our special little safety warden can’t help but tell all of us in order to increase his importance. This of course never works. So, knowing that we had a fire drill schedule and the exact time that said fire drill would commence, Mr. Socially Oblivious went out back to smoke a cigarette. The fire drill announcement is made and we all go outside grumbling about how much work we need to get done and how much time this is wasting, etc. etc. OK, I’ll be honest. I was not complaining, for I welcomed this company-sanctioned recess by walking outside while singing Disco Inferno. Apparently Mr. Socially Oblivious never realized that the fire drill had begun, which is too bad. The best part of fire drills is normally getting to see Mr. Socially Oblivious parading around in his orange safety warden hat with his megaphone urging us to leave the building. Granted, we normally take our time, but that’s just because he’s yelling at us with a bull horn and abusing his power.

That excitement was trumped this time by what happened when the fire drill ended and we all filed back inside. As we were walking back to our offices, we ran head on into Mr. Socially Oblivious, the man who I need to remind you has been entrusted with our safety. He had a puzzled look and told Mr. Lay Low that we needed to evacuate the office immediately. When told that the fire drill was over, Mr. Socially Oblivious said ‘No it’s not. They can’t begin it without me.’ So, if you ever see my burnt down office on the news, you can blame my death on him.

At the end of the drill, my boss said he would be right back and that he had a quick errand to run. Fifteen minutes later he entered the building and walked past all of us with his two scoops of ice cream. Not one mind you, but two. Normally he takes us out for ice cream or at the very least, tags along with us. But on this particular day, with the entire staff in the office for the first time in a few weeks, he went by himself for ice cream. A move like this could be interpreted several ways, especially by a bunch of coworkers who over analyze EVERYTHING that happens in our office. Mr. Lay Low boldly suggested that Boss Man was just warm and wanted to cool down. Female Coworker asserted that he wanted some time alone, which sent Mr. Socially Oblivious into a panic about why he wanted time alone. I maintained that Boss Man wanted us to act more proactively with our jobs and think independently. By us seeing that someone else was eating ice cream, he wanted to see if we would take it amongst ourselves to get our own ice cream. This theory of mine was not accepted.

To further avoid doing actual work, Mr. In The Office Two Times A Week Guy taught me a new trick he recently learned. In DOS, we can type a message that will pop up on the screen of the coworker we indicate. Figuring there was growing concern over my treatment of Female Coworker, we targeted Mr. Socially Oblivious first. I arranged for an alert box with an ‘ok’ button to pop up on his screen that said ‘run time error JB 007.’ Now any sane computer literate person would stop when they see the numbers 007, but not Mr. Socially Oblivious who still thinks he can talk to his computer ala Star Trek. Being somewhat afraid of his computer, he doesn’t always pay attention to it. So, long after I had forgotten even sending the message, he asked me to come over and take a look at a ‘weird error message’ he had received. Recognizing the importance of beating my boss into his office, I ran across the hall and explained that it was probably a glitch and I would hit OK and see what happened. I swear he tensed up and almost cowered as I positioned his cursor over the button. Surprise, nothing happened. A few minutes later when I sent Female Coworker an error message stating ‘System ID Input Recognition Misunderstanding,’ she cussed out loud that her computer was having errors. You should have seen Mr. Socially Oblivious as he puffed out his chest and said he knew how to fix it. Mr. In The Office Two Times A Week Guy and I almost had to leave the office because we were laughing so hard.

I returned from lunch today and noticed that my Windows Media Player with all my Kenny Rogers tunes was closed. I didn’t remember closing it down, but then I do lots of things I can’t recall so I didn’t think too much more about. That was until I got an error message from Mr. In The Office Two Times A Week Guy stating that ‘Due to a high volume of noise pollution complaints, your CD's have been stored in a secure location. By replying to this message, you authorize destruction of your CD's.’ Then I realized that it was he who closed my Media Player down. Fearing not being able to ever again hear ‘Islands in the Stream’ or ‘Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers,’ I panicked. He later came into my office to return them to me with the understanding that I would NOT play them again. I asked him if Jerry Reed was permissible and he asked if that was a threat or a joke. Not yet having my CDs back in my hand, I told him to never mind and that I would put Jerry on the ‘do not play list.’ Tomorrow I’m bringing in Lucy and Ethel’s copy of ‘High School Musical’ just for him. And my boss wonders why none of us ever meet our deadlines…

Beyond The Cubicle Wall…

If I ever decide to write a mock work place soap opera (a Mopera, if you will), today’s post title would be the name of it. I haven’t regaled you with my tales from beyond the cubicle wall in a while and yesterday was one of those days that reminded me that I need to. The day got off to a bad enough start and I should’ve realized it would be best for me to go home, even though it was my fault.

I must be missing something in my life, dying or succumbing to the effects of my weak heart, but I arrived at the office and promptly told Female Coworker that I was so happy to see her that I could hug her. Where the heck did that come from? Unfortunately before I could recover, I had said it and at least two other coworkers heard me. What was Female Coworker’s response to this? ‘I don’t like to be touched!’ Really, did anyone who has been reading this blog expect anything different? Realizing what I had done, I went and tried to hide in my cubicle. I turned my monitor so that no one could see my face and tried to pretend I was on the phone for the next hour or so. All was going well until I got my fingers stuck in the handle of my coffee cup. It turns out that while I might be able to get four fingers through the handle of my ‘Incredibles’ coffee mug, I cannot get them out of said mug. And THIS my dear friends was when Female Coworker felt it was necessary to come over and speak to me about my earlier hugging utterance. She walks into my cube in all her ‘I’ll kick your arseyness’ while I am trying to pull my half empty coffee mug off of my left hand. She asked me ‘what the #$#^$#^% are you doing,’ to which I replied with sunken shoulders and downcast head ‘uh, my hand is stuck in my coffee mug.’ She countered with ‘what did you do idiot, glue it?’ You can imagine the left coast rattling laugh that ensued when I admitted that I had put too many hands through the handle…

Yes, that is the point when I should have clutched my chest and used my physical disappointments as an excuse to go home. I of course did not. This was only somewhat directly related to the fact that I had a staff meeting to attend. Our staff meetings are always interesting. Mostly this is because of Mr. Socially Oblivious who really picks staff meetings to rise to the occasion. He likes to repeat what other people have said just mere seconds after they say it as if it is his own grand idea. Let’s just say I have a great boss who chooses to pretend that Mr. Socially Oblivious is in fact the architect of the great idea. Then there’s his well, ‘habit.’ He likes to bite his fingernails throughout our meetings. Ok, MAYBE I could handle that, but it’s the fact that he spits them out and you can hear them ping off the blinds. Dear readers, I AM NOT making this up! It’s disgusting and I have more than once been in the middle of speaking when he does this and it causes me to draw a blank and forget what I was going to say, which makes everyone think there is something wrong with me and not Mr. Spitting For Distance.

Then came lunch. Female Coworker, Mr. Lay Low and myself all went out together. You can imagine our surprise when we ended up at the same Hawaiian BBQ joint (aloha, mahalo, sorry it just felt so appropriate) as Boss Man, New Guy, Mr. Socially Oblivious and one of our clients. We sat at the far opposite end of the restaurant and made faces at Boss Man while he was busy conducting his lunch meeting. It was evident he had no desire to be at this meeting and we all thoroughly enjoyed watching him try not to laugh. When Female Coworker took a call on her cell phone, she immediately slipped into her ‘need to yell’ voice, which many cell phone users seem to suffer from. Twice I reminded her to use her ‘inside’ voice but to no avail. When she finally got off the phone Mr. Lay Low and I began yelling to explain to her how loud she is on the phone and everyone in the restaurant turned to watch us. Now it was at this point for some reason that the owner of the restaurant decided to walk by our table. We nodded and smiled in a scene eerily reminiscent of the Cantina scene in Star Wars where the Storm Troopers walk past Han’s table after he shot Greedo. (Author’s mental note: I truly cannot I believe I just made that analogy…). I spent the rest of lunch asking aloud how in the world Mr. Socially Oblivious could be hungry after snacking (on his fingers) throughout our staff meeting all morning!

Before I wrap this up, I need to address a concern. It has occurred to me that some bloggers (well, at least one that I am aware of) may be feeling some degree of sympathy for Female Coworker because it appears that she is the victim of our countless pranks. Let me caution you that Female Coworker is only to be feared, never sympathized with. Let’s put it this way, she gets a client on the phone and you can feel and smell the fear emanating from the phone line or cell tower. Instead of saying good morning to her clients, she greets them with a warm ‘why the hell do you keep screwing up?’ ‘We ALL fear her here, even Boss Man. Now that I made my hugging remark, I am in the most fear.

Just to save face, I turned some of the staples upside down in her stapler. Sadly, I think she heard me giggling when she screamed ‘who the hell messed with my %$%$%^$&’in stapler!!!!!!’ Yeah, I’m hoping to make it through today. If I don’t, all of you are free to take one of my PEZ dispensers…

Q And A Tuesday - Number 2

Much to my surprise, I actually got questions to warrant a second straight Q & A Tuesday. The questions this week are just as impressive as last weeks, too. Again, please remember that all the same rules apply. It is strongly cautioned that none of my answers should be quoted (especially in a work or family/friends setting), it’s a waste of time to fact check or cross reference any of my answers since they are mostly fabricated and I cannot be held liable for anything I may suggest doing, if in fact you actually end of trying it yourself. I should mention that I am still waiting for someone to ask me what the greatest country song of all time is so I can provide you with my 500 word dissertation, but we’ll do that another time. OK folks, take off your thinking caps, put your pen and paper down and get comfy because this will be a really long post (and please excuse the errors and typos, I was too lazzzzy to spell and grammur chick today -- see what mean??). Now, here we go with Q & A Tuesday, week 2…

Kat just missed getting these questions in last week so I’ve had all week to work on them, even though I really didn’t need that much time, for they are SNL questions. Woo Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night Hoo!!!! The wonderful Kat asks:
‘I would love to know the most common quotes you repeat from SNL, your favorite characters, your favorite performers, and your favorite over all season. And you can't say era because that is too vast. I think I actually know these answers. This is more a test for myself to see if I am right.’
I’m honestly not sure I can complete a sentence without quoting from something from SNL. My favorites include ‘schwing,’ ‘isn’t that special,’ Phil Hartman as Sinatra saying ‘I’ve got chuncks of guys like you in my stool,’ and Christopher Walken from the ‘The Continental’ saying ‘cham-pag-nee and ca-wi-are.’ Christopher Walken is a misunderstood comic genius. I have also been known to say ‘two wild and crazy guys,’ ‘Jane, you ignorant slut,’ ‘Da Bears,’ ‘I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me,’ ‘I’m 50, 5-0, Fifty,’ ‘Nevermind,’ ‘I’m livin’ in a van down by the river,’ ‘we’re here to pump (clap) you up,’ ‘ver klempt,’ ‘go ahead, talk amongst yourselves, I’ll give you a topic.’ Kat, I could keep going on here, but I think you get the point. Oh yeah, you know I can’t order a cheeseburger without saying ‘cheeseburger, cheeseburger’ and I can’t leave someone without saying ‘buh-bye now, buh bye.’ See, I can’t stop. ‘I’m Fred Garvin, male prostitute.’ It’s like an addiction, I swear! ‘Yeah, that’s the ticket.’

My favorite characters are Chris Walken in the Continental, the Ambigously Gay Duo, Wayne and Garth, Linda Richmond, Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, Sally O’Malley, Father Guido Sarducci, The Sweeney Sisters (Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks), Dana Carvey as President Bush, The Ladies Man, Rosanne Rosannadanna, Dana Carvey as Ross Perot, Emily Litella, Baba Wawa and the Cone Heads. Again, there are more, but I’ll stop before I lose to many readers. I can’t forget the Pathological Liar, Tommy Flanagan.

My favorite performers are Chevy Chase, Dan Akroyd, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Jan Hoolks, Gilda Radner, John Belushi, Davis Spade, Rob Schneider, Garret Morris, Al Franken, Jon Lovitz, Phil Hartman (OF COURSE!!), Mike Myers, Will Farrell, Chris Rock, Molly Shannon, Chris Parnell, Chris Farley, Joe Piscopo, Dennis Miller, Adam Sandler and Victoria Jackson. I am of course leaving a separate sentence for the Goddess of Comedy, Tina Fey. I literally get all giddy watching her. Man, why do I keep sharing these things??

Kat, my favorite season, hands down was the 1991-92 season? Why? That is when Wayne’s World hit the theaters and it was my senior year of high school. I think we watched just about every episode that year as a group. That is my favorite season.

Kat then asked:
‘Velcro or lace up?’
I’m a lace up guy, but I did go through a Velcro stage in the early parts of elementary school. Only problem was that whenever I sat with my legs crossed on the floor, I’d get stuck to the carpet. The twins now have Velcro and it takes me ten minutes just to get their shoes apart from each other so I can help put them on. Yes, lace up is easier for me. Plus, the friction that Velcro can cause freaks me out. I just know I’m going to start a fire someday!

AndreAnna, my new word hero, asked this:
‘If you could met one celebrity, who would it be and why? And would you sleep with them?’
Well, the nature of that question almost dictates that I should pick a woman, but I’m still picking a dude. I would pick the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra. I would because he is just so cool, that’s all there is to it. Plus, as you can appreciate AndreAnna, he had a really cool lingo. I would however, NOT sleep with him. Though, I would get his slippers and paper for him. Other celebrities that were in the running include Ed Sullivan, Fred Willard, the fat cop from CHIPS, the guy that played the cop that got shot in the second episode of the 4th season of NYPD Blue, our local Channel 9 weather girl Jackie Something Or Other Who’s Chest Blocks Montana To Virginia When She Turns In Front Of The Weather Map, Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch and Bob Newhart. Charles Nelson Reilly recently died, right? Ok, I’m done.

My soon to be Cardiologist, Just Telling It Like It Is, asked me
‘What kind of food did your mother cook for you when you were a boy and what was her signature dish?’
My mom cooked me gruel. It was a mixture of grits, oatmeal and cream of wheat. I think we called it Groaeat. It was not very good, except the maple flavored one, but not when she put tartar sauce in it. My favorite meal was when she would burn the Groateat and we got to go out back and graze on grass. Those were special nights. Actually, I was tube fed for a while as a young kid and don’t remember that, but everything had to be blended into a yogurt type consistency. Can you imagine fried chicken that way? I’ll long for it when I’m old. Of course I am making all of this up. I have to say that (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) because she’ll slap me upside the head if she ever reads this. Again, I’m kidding, really, I’m kidding…Her signature dish was, uh, whatever TV dinner was on sale that week. Again, I’m kidding! She slaved over the stove for me and my brother and I am soooooo thankful, yada, yada, yada.

My Jedi Master Brandy had a number of questions this week including a ‘revenge question’ for one I asked of her a few weeks back. You’ll probably be able to figure out which one it was…Brandy asked me:
1. What cartoon character do you feel is completely underrated in regards to their comedic timing?
Mr. Magoo is an obvious answer, but I am going to try harder because Brandy put so much thought into her questions, or preguntas if you are bilingual like I am not. I think Rosie from ‘The Jetsons’ gets the nod. Seriously, she was a robot and still managed to have comedic timing. Now that is hard to do!!

2. If you could create a weapon that would destroy rock, paper and scissors all at once, what would it be?
I should say a hammer like device called the Fist Pulverizer, but let’s be honest; I’m going with the Atom Bomb. Not even paper can stand up to that!

3. Betty or Veronica?
It would be Betty without even thinking about it. She’s more humble, nicer and not all rich and stuck up like Veronica, who just KNOWS she’s hot.

4. What are your views on the current global warming crisis? And what steps (if any) are you and your family taking to ensure the ending of baby polar bears drowing?
Brandy, I guess I had this one coming. I think global warming is serious, at least I am told I should. I am on blood thinners, so I usually feel colder than most folks. For that reason alone, I should welcome global warming so that I can be more comfortable wherever I may go, but someone recently told me that is selfish. Therefore, because people are reading this, I shall say global warming is bad, not prudent, bad. Baby polar bears drowning is a very serious epidemic that happens when water levels around the world rise, or at least that is what I read when I Googled it. OK, I was actually lazier than resorting to Google. I am making it up. The drowning polar bears should be rescued and adopted. Lucy and Ethel would love to raise polar bears in our backyard. It would also give me the excuse to build an in-ground swimming pool to house them. When the city’s code enforcement people come out and say I cannot raise polar bears in my neighborhood, I would send my polar bears after them and then get a reputation as the Polar Bear Guy. No one would ever again challenge my right to raise polar bears. When they are able to knock over my back fence or block my view of the TV while laying down, I would donate them to SeaWorld on the condition that I get free passes for 50 people for life. I Brandy, am a friend of the animal kingdom!

5. Best flavor of chip dip?
Hmmmm, does boysenberry jelly mixed with alfredo sauce count? No? That’s what I thought. I am actually partial to hummus (which is really pronounced home-us, not hum-mus…I’m part Lebanonese, betcha didn’t know that…also betcha didn’t care…) I infuriate my elders by using chips to dip in my hummus instead of pita bread. Guacamole, french onion and just plain sour cream are also suitable replacements when out of hummus. As is salsa, 7-layer dip or spaghetti sauce. I’ll just come out and say it…if it has liquid, it can be a chip dip!


I’ve said this before, but Patti is a reporter and again this week, she asked the hard hitting questions. Patti’s questions this week were:
‘Have you noticed, with few exceptions (Capt. Corky, Ralph, Lone Grey and Bobby Griffin come to mind) that more than 90 percent of your readers are of the female persuasion?’
As you can see these are tough questions!
First, I honestly hadn’t noticed the gender make up of my visitors. I’ve think of everyone who visits regularly as individuals in a way, so I never really looked at the big picture. But now, I’m self-conscious about it and will have to figure out how to write more manly stuff. You know, I already write about BBQs, fried food and NASCAR. Hmmm, what next??

Patti also asked
'If Odat is your bestest blogging buddy' who is your second bestest?'
Wow! I think I’m pleading the 5th on this one. That’s really all I can say about that. Really. Wow, uh, yeah. I’m done ;-)

Erica AP stopped by to ask a question this week about one of my favorite subjects (Thanks, Erica!!). I’ll try and keep the answer short. Erica asked:
‘Are your twins identical twins? If so, how often do people stop you, when you go out, to tell you they look alike?’
Lucy and Ethel are identical. The only thing is that they are not identical to each other. They are each identical to someone else’s child, so they do not actually look alike. It’s really awkward when we are with the families who have the children that Lucy and Ethel each look like. Yes, people point and stare and yes, people ask questions, but we’ve just learned to be thick skinned about it. Heck, I still don’t even know how it happened…

Ok, I’m obviously joking, well about one of the twins, I mean they are 3 weeks apart. Again, I am joking. They are 11 minutes apart and are the highest probability of being identical. Because they were premature, we weren’t too concerned about having the further tests done to determine if they were identical, but they are. When they were younger, we’d get stopped every five feet. It would take us twice as long to get anywhere because of all the people that would stop us. Now that they are almost 5, people just look and smile, but hardly anyone stops. I have had to keep myself from yelling ‘hey, twins here, stop and look at them! They are identical, people!!’ Yeah, I guess I miss the attention.

Ralph my fellow Sinatra and BBQ admirer asked:
‘Can you dance as well at Rat packer Sammy Davis Jr.?’
Uh, no Ralph. Not even close. I tried hoofing it like him once and am still trying to figure out how I didn’t break my ankles. That cat can dance!! This cat has vertigo. It kinda makes the hoofing hard. I can do a decent impersonation of him though. By the way, may dad’s father was in the same bar with him before he got into the big accident in the desert where he lost his eye. My family’s claim to fame. Woo Hoo. Perhaps I should open a museum??

Odat, my already discussed bestest blogging buddy, asked these four questions:
a) Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. However, I’m thinking a pet polar bear might be nice after answering Brandy’s question.
b) Do you like the beach or the mountains?
I prefer swamps. It’s cooler with more shade.
c) Ocean or lake?
I’ve always been more partial to stagnant water. It turns such interesting colors.
d) Coffee or tea?
Coke, but I will have coffee and tea when there is an absence of Coke. Well, that’s after I shake, shiver and sweat a lot.
e) Vanilla or chocolate?
I just saw this neat thing on TV about frozen whale blubber with berries and whipped cream. I think I’d prefer that instead.
Ok Odat, I’m sorry…Dog, beach, ocean, Tea, Vanilla.

In honor of yesterday’s big National Hot Dog Day and National Vanilla Ice Cream Day, Airam posed a most appropriate question. It was:
Do you think that in honour of the two holidays being celebrated, people eat hotdogs and vanilla ice cream together? Would you? How do you think that would taste?
I doubt other people are adventurous enough to try it, but I most certainly would. I think it would taste like bad rotten fish that sat too long in spoiled milk. Unless of course the hot dog bun soaked that part up. Then it might not be so bad because the bun wouldn’t be as dry. Yes, I have everything in my fridge to make Vanilla Dogs. If I don’t post tomorrow, I’ll be in the hospital getting my stomach pumped.


Well, that's it for this week. For those of you who made it to the end of this, thanks!