ARRRRRR, Or Sumpin' Like That, Matey

I am fully aware that I owe you a Q&A day. But today's annual holiday HAD to be observed and I have taken a little bit of heat before when I don't give enough notice of what holiday it is. So, hoist your mainsails and giddy up. Wait a minute, that's not right. I'll try it again. Yo yo yo, lemme show ya how to roll today. No, that doesn't feel right. Set your reactions on stun, because today is...Ok, that's not even close and now I'll be branded a nerd.

I'll give it one last chance. Ya better be gettin' yer eye patch on because today be Talk Like A Pirate Day.....arrrrrrrr. So hoist your colors you bloomin' cockroaches. Don't forget to show 'em your "larboard" side. Use your best ole salty pirate phrases me hearties or ye be walkin' the plank. There, I think that did it. I can just imagine how funny punny the comments will be today.

It's too bad I'll be in the field visiting clients all day because this really would have gone over well with my coworkers! I would have the entire staff talking like pirates within minutes of arriving in the office. I could even have worn an eye patch and cut off jean shorts with a tattered white dress shirt. Heck, I wouldn't even have had to shower after running tomorrow morning. Then I would have been able to take me an office wench and drink rum Diet Coke with Splenda added all day (you know, to make it all sugary and sweet and rummy like). Wow, I could've gotten away with challenging Female Coworker to a 'mailing tube' sword duel to the death (even though I'd still make the woo woo light saber sound every time I'd wave it around - TWSS). Did I just say duel to the death? If you HR guys are still reading my blog, I meant duel to determine who will pay for lunch. Sorry, I got a little carried away. I know, I know, it's 'talk like a pirate day' not 'be a pirate day.' I guess this means I couldn't hoist anything in my office (why does that sound worse than it is??) or 'seize' things from the office supply closet. Good thing there is still next year. Yes, for the record, I would have played the music from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride all day long too.

Oh well. Perhaps I'll still talk like a pirate around my clients tomorrow. As long as they don't tell my boss. I'll just tell them when I get to their offices that it's 'talk like a pirate day' and if they seem interested, I'll throw a little pirate lingo their way and see if it sticks. It should be a fun thing to do all day. It'll be interesting to see how long it takes for my clients swabbies, to get sick of me. Arrrrrrr, shiver me timbers, I'm already annoying myself!! Dead men tell no tales, especially when they talk like pirates all day. Ok, I promise I'm done. I don't even know what that last phrase means. It sure sounded good and piratey though, didn't it?

It Gave Birth To A What???

According to the AP, scientists in Japan have created an eight story prehistoric dinosaur that turned on its creators, trampled downtown Tokyo and then promptly walked into the sea to retire. Ok, I made that up, but what scientists in Japan did do is equally as intriguing, if not as cool. Basically in layman’s terms, they injected baby salmon with ‘sperm growing cells from trout.’ Yes, that’s right, the salmon then grew up and gave birth to trout. Not salmon, not tuna, not Mothra, but trout. Like the trout we go fishing for…and they came from Salmon. Yep, salmon having trout babies. Or ‘Salmout’ babies, if you will. I just want to make sure you understand here: trout that comes from salmon. OK, we can move on now.

The scientists hope that this ‘surrogate fish baby rearing giving birth to a species that you aren’t’ thing will help save endangered fish species. The story goes on to say that scientists next hope to get trout to give birth to salmon and mackrels to give birth to tuna. Now many of you who know me and read my posts regularly know what’s coming next. Yep, I am now going to lay before you my wishes for other birthing food combinations. Surely if we can get fish to spawn different species, we can do the same for other animals.

First up would be my never-ending quest of trying Turducken some day (thanks a lot for putting that idea in my head, Ms. Paula Deen). Turducken is a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey. Obviously this is a little different from one fish spawning another, but what if the turkey could give birth to a half chicken/half duck (or a ‘chuck’). Then you could raise the turkey and the chuck together and at least save a little time only have to stuff one dead fowl into another instead of having to stuff two into a third. Although now that I am writing all of this, I’m finding Turducken a little less appealing.

OOOOOOOOh, how about getting a lobster to spawn scallops and crabs to spawn fried shrimp? OK, I understand that they cannot be born fried, but I mean the ‘just small enough for the all you can eat fried shrimp’ variety of shrimp. I think their scientific name is ‘Eatus Moreus.’ It would make harvesting all that seafood so much cheaper while also making it so much more plentiful. And speaking of cheaper, why not just go ahead and do what we are all thinking: get goldfish to spawn lobster. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about there being enough lobster roaming the seas and it would be so much more inexpensive. After all, doesn’t Wal-Mart sell goldfish for like 98 cents? It could give rise to an entirely new industry called Lobster Farming. Oh wow, I just found the job I was destined to have. I could buy a house with a swimming pool (because gold fish can survive nuclear holocausts and all, so swimming pools would work, uh, swimmingly) and raise lobster-bearing goldfish. I could make the lobsters so much more affordable and even more plentiful. Then, we could dine on lobster every night for a fraction of today’s market value. I’d be like Forrest Gump with his Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Though to spare you, I will resist the temptation of listing all the ways you could cook lobster…even though I really, really want to.

And who says that it has to be limited to seafaring creatures. Imagine what could be done with smaller four legged animals like goats and sheep. Since they take up less room, they could give birth to cattle and we could produce more and then reduce the price of beef…and milk…and, oh my God, CHEESE!!!!!! Could you imagine if we could get pigs to give birth to cattle but the offspring were engineered to still have both the pork and beef taste? It would be like giving birth to little compact, ready to go bacon wrapped filets.

Whoa, I think I’m about to pass out with all of these possible combinations! I really need to start eating three square meals a day…

Did anyone else notice that 30 Rock won the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series? By the hammer of Thor, I missed my chance to see Tina Fey accept the award. Blurg!!!!! (Of course if you have never watched it, then those two obscure references mean nothing…so you should probably try and catch the award winning show this year)

And a very big Happy B-Day goes out today to one of my comedic idols, Fred Willard!!!!!!

Here’s Something To Chew On

I just finished reading a report from Reuters that said scientists in London have created a chewing gum that doesn’t stick. Well at least it doesn’t stick to streets and clothes and stuff like that. There was no mention of sticking to skin and hair, which of course are the two problem areas I have most often while chewing it. Ok, not the actual chewing, but more the blowing of bubbles.

I chew gum a lot to keep me from snacking. I also chew gum to keep me from saying stupid things. However, this requires several pieces and it often makes my jaw hurt. I don’t want to brag, but I am a pretty good bubble blower with enough gum in my mouth. Picture a baseball player with his cheek full of chew and then multiply it twice and that’s how much gum I like to blow bubbles with. Lucy and Ethel like to pop them when I do this, hence my concern about being able to have non-stick gum that will easily come off of hair and skin. I mean gum that doesn’t stick to pavement is great for the aesthetic of our local neighborhoods, but unless I fall face first onto the pavement with a big bubble gum bubble sticking out of my mouth, gum that doesn’t stick to the pavement really does nothing for me.

Have you ever been jogging or walking and you realize you have inhaled a small bug or insect? Come on, you must have. Quit laughing at me! I wonder if gum would act as a good barrier and trap said insect before you swallow it. It would save me the embarrassment of gagging while exercising in public trying to heave the inhaled insect back up. One of these days, someone is actually going to stop while driving by when they see me out gagging and it’s really going to be embarrassing. I imagine it’ll go something like this:

Nice motorist: hey are you ok? Are you having a heart attack? I can tell from your nicely muscular legs and your physique that you must be exercising. (Hey, it’s my story) Did you over-exert yourself?

Me: cough, ack, cough. Uh, no, I swallowed I fly, perhaps I’ll die.

Nice motorist: you’re choking on a fly? Ha!!! You lame-ass, what are you doing exercising outside with your mouth open? Idiot….oh man, is that Barry Manilow coming from your MP3 player? Too bad you didn’t swallow a venomous spider instead…
(jerky motorist speeds off and crashes into light pole)

Me: You won’t mess with Barry again will you? Bwahahahahahahaha!!
(fly enters my mouth again during evil laugh)
Oh $$%&%&^*&%^&^*%, I really gotta learn to keep my mouth shut!!!

While I took a few liberties in creating that situation for you, you can easily see how needed a gum is that can trap bugs from flying down one’s throat, especially when exercising in public. Another development I would like to see with gum is one that’s flavor does not diminish or that changes flavors throughout the chewing process. I think this may have been done for the chick that blows up like a blueberry in the original Willy Wonka. So apparently, we must have the technology to do this because if I remember correctly, you can’t show something in a movie unless you can really reproduce it in real life.

I really am not sure what all makes gum. I think it’s the chicklet or the gum-gum tree, so I decided to do away with tradition and actually research the answer on Wikipedia, where it it’s printed, it’s proof. I stopped my research after the fist paragraph when I came across this description of gum: ‘many modern chewing gums use petroleum-based polymers instead of chicle.’ Uh, yummy? I didn’t realize that chewing gum had two of my favorite ingredients: petroleum, which burns quite nicely, especially around the BBQ and polymers, because it sounds so modern. So basically, the way I see it, the modern piece of gum is made of the same things that our newest stealthy spy planes are. If that’s so true, then how come everyone knows when I am chewing gum and asks me to stop chewing like a cow? My gum really doesn’t seem to be that stealthy. Perhaps it’s the grape flavor. I don’t think the stealth bomber is coated in grape, but then again, I’ve never licked one. And if I tried, I could almost guarantee that I would be detained by some military officers, who in an ironic twist, would probably be chewing gum.

Important shout out: Because she was kind enough to make me an honoUrary Canadian the other day, I have bestowed upon Airam the title of honoUrary Southern California. She used ‘like’ and ‘dude’ in the same sentence, so really, how could I resist?

****Because of my work’s Monday night Booze Cruise, Q&A Tuesday will be on Wednesday again this week****

Repost Sunday: 4-Legged Chicken Has Restaurants Seeing Double (Profits).

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy.

A 4-legged chicken was recently found pecking around with its 30,000 closest feathered friends at a farm in Pennsylvania. The legs appear to serve no purpose so the chicken just drags them around (no mean husband jokes about that please). The chicken is as healthy as the rest of the farm’s poultry and the farm’s owners say it’s the first 4-legged chicken they have seen.

The discovery could have major implications for the fast food industry. The cause of the deformity is not known, but scientists are being employed by several eateries specializing in chicken to find out.

The chicken restaurants have joined together to create and finance a research co-op called FOWL, Food Opportunities With Legs, to pay scientists to conduct a genetic study of the 4-legged chicken. FOWL hopes to get a 'leg up' on the competition by breeding more of the multi-limbed birds. A small amount of DNA was taken from the unique fowl in an effort to replicate the gene that is responsible for the extra pair of legs.

“Can you imagine the profit we could make if every chicken bred for food purposes had an extra set of legs,” asked a member of the co-op. “We could increase the amount of drumsticks we could sell, which we all know is the part of the chicken everyone prefers to eat, and we would not have to raise more chicken to do it,” he added.

“I used to conduct research to find a cure for cancer. Now I’m figuring out how to create an army of freak chickens. Why God, why,” lamented one of FOWL’s scientists. “At least I can now buy that summer home in The Hamptons with what they’re paying me.”

FOWL officials say that the increase yield in of DPC (drumsticks per chicken) could double their profits if the research is successful and the scientists don’t lay an egg. Animal rights activists across the country are crying fowl (I mean foul, sorry) about creating chickens with extra legs. In response, the officials say it’s better they genetically alter chickens to have more legs, which are body parts they already naturally have, than create chickens that grow something called nuggets. They also argue that it’s not like they’re cloning sheep and that their scientists are merely “augmenting” the chicken, which is something human women have been doing to themselves for years.

If the gene responsible for the second set of legs can be found, the turkey industry may also follow suit so that the chicken restaurants are not the only ones 'gobbling' up the extra profit that figures to be made.

Disclaimer: Yeah, the 4-legged chicken thing was real, but I made everything else up.

****Calling all questions about anything and everything. I might even answer them on Tuesday.****

*****Noise update: New Podcast Alert. Click Here...*****

Things I Learned This Week: 9/15/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that when I am using my Nextel Walkie Talkie and am calling my coworker down the hall that I should not ask what time he is sneaking out early when his office sits directly across from our boss. I also should refrain from cussing and describing in vivid detail how I am avoiding my daily office duties.

! I learned that although I may be excited that local stores will be selling Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer soon, this is not the type of excitement I should share with others or leave the office to go to the store and check. For the record, I miscalculated and the local store doesn’t have it yet.

! I learned that I should never have referred to the harbor cruise my department is taking in Long Beach this Monday night as ‘A Booze Cruise.’ The saying caught on way to quickly and that is now how everyone is referring to it. Apparently, it was even mentioned to a member of upper management. And as you can imagine, it was attributed to me. I’ll remind you that I can’t even drink!

! I learned that I should not greet a client who has come to visit me in my office while nursing a bloody nose. I also learned that a bloody nose is not a substantial excuse for leaving work early. Hmmmm, go figure.

! I learned that there are some people in this world who actually ARE impressed by me speaking in musical tongues while only quoting song titles to express my thoughts. I had gotten a completely different feeling about that from my coworkers and had spent all this time thinking I was saying ‘Something Stupid.’

! I learned that the exquisite tunes of one Barry Manilow were only intended for listening to behind closed doors. This means never in public and never to be discussed with anyone else. Now I feel so dirty…

And lastly,

! I learned that when it is ‘family night’ at the twins’ school and I am making arts and crafts with them that I need to pay much more attention to the teacher. It’s kinda embarrassing when my art project looks worse than that of all the other kindergartners in attendance. It also doesn’t help when I colored outside the lines and had to be scolded by a kid I’ve never met and was told I was using too much glue.


****Calling all questions about anything and everything. I might even answer them on Tuesday.****

*****Noise update: New Podcast Alert. Click Here...*****

I Don’t Think This Is What They Intended

Things changed forever at work on Tuesday. Perhaps I am making that too dramatic, but things did change. After months of speculation and promises, it finally happened. My coworkers and I officially got our company leashes. Yep, we now have company issued cell phones. And these aren’t your run of the mill Moto Razors, these are the nice NEXTEL phones (did my sarcasm come through there?).

Yeah, you know the ones I’m talking about. If not, let’s put it this way, we are calling these new phones ‘the brick.’ It’s funny because I thought technology had made huge strides to make things smaller and then we get the bricks. However, there is one feature of the brick that made us all forget about complain less about them. It’s NEXTEL’s direct connect press to talk feature. Basically, we are all carrying around company walkie talkies now. Needless to say, it took us all collectively about 1.5 minutes to realize the full potential of this feature and in no time we had all traded numbers and it sounded like a trucker’s convoy in the office. It’s really made everyone’s day just a little brighter getting to say things like ‘over,’ ‘out,’ ‘do you copy,’ ‘what’s your 20’ and the mother of all great CB sayings ‘10-4.’ I added a ‘breaker, breaker’ and ended certain words with ‘ner,’ as in ‘niner,’ but it really didn’t catch on. I’m working on Roscoe’s laugh from The Dukes of Hazzard, but people are saying I’m spending too much time on this stuff.

I know having these phones has made me more efficient at work. I announced (via NEXTEL of course) that I would no longer be walking down to anyone’s office and that I would communicate with them by NEXTEL only. At first everyone laughed at me, which is not unusual in the office. Those laughs stopped and turned to words of praise though when they realized just how easy this new way of communicating in the office really is. I’m still working on assigning everyone call names…or handles, to use the real CB parlance (did it sound authentic there? That’s what I was going for). I have requested either Bandit or Snowman. Hopefully I don’t have to tell you why. I proposed that we give our boss the handle of Smokey. No one jumped on the idea.

I can tell that this new technology is going to make me lazy. I have already thought about getting one for personal use and also giving one each to Lucy and Ethel. That way when I need something, they are a button away. Really, who likes yelling upstairs to inform their children that it’s dinner time? When they are out playing in the backyard and I need them to come into the house, it’s such an inconvenience to have to get up during my favorite show, walk the few feet to the sliding glass door and tell them something. Sure I’ve got TiVO and I could pause said favorite show, but think of the wear and tear on my ‘remote control’ finger.

Yes having a cell phone is a convenience, but in these busy times, who really has the time to wait for the dialing and ringing stuff that is so much a part of the modern telephone process. I know I don’t. You may not have picked up on this, but I’m a busy guy. I have to go to work, think of good pranks while there and try to actually avoid doing any work (which we all know is harder than the work itself), drive home, stop at the grocery store to look at the lobster tails (it’s my window shopping), get the charcoal lit on the BBQ, dunk my arm in water after nearly exploding it off while spraying lighter fluid directly onto the roaring flames of the very same BBQ, grill meat while playing with the dog, play with and pass my wisdom off to Lucy and Ethel and of course, blog. Having to walk down office halls, walk upstairs to the twins’ room or dial a number and wait for it to ring really just slows me down. Yes, this new NEXTEL is sure going to make my life easier. And I didn't even have to pay for it!

Oh, did I mention it has GPS technology? We all think that our management is going to start keeping tabs on us. Not to worry, I’ve wrapped my phone with an entire box of Tin Foil to repel the satellite beams. Sure it’s heavier, noisy and reflects light with the brightness of the sun, but I get to walk around without anyone knowing my coordinates. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get on the NEXTEL and ask the guy I share a cubicle wall with what time it is…

The Post With All The Song Titles And Stuff

Well, as you may have imagined, my thinly and poorly veiled attempt to steal solicit blog post ideas from other people for 'You Decide Thursdays' didn’t go so well. However, I did get a few suggestions, one of which I will attempt today. The Exception suggested challenged me to write a blog post using as many song titles as possible. Perhaps I am being too cocky (TWSS), but I thought ‘It’s So Easy’ doing something like this. Well, I’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there, so I better get started. I was tempted to name the artist after every song quoted like Michael Scott might do, but I’m far too lazy I don’t have the time. Now then, ‘Let’s Get It On.’

Since ‘We’ve Only Just Begun,’ I’ll ‘Take it Easy’ for the first few paragraphs. I love ‘The Sound of Music.’ Music makes me happy. I often listen to music just to relax, especially during the weekends. I find that’s it’s especially ‘Easy Like A Sunday Morning.’ OK, I’ll admit that one was stretching it just a little. But you can’t argue that music is much better than the ‘Sound of Silence.’ It’s not like I ‘Rock Around The Clock’ wearing my ‘Boogie Shoes,’ but I do listen to a lot of music. I spend a lot of money on music, because I am not ‘A Penny Lover’ and believe that you can’t take what you save with you when you die.

I write this post after having such a beautiful day here in So Cal. ‘I Can See For Miles And Miles,’ it’s so clear. I am so glad that I did not see ‘Fire And Rain’ today. However, because I’m ‘Workin’ For a Livin,’ I didn’t really get to enjoy it. My coworkers and I spent most of the day crying about how ‘We Gotta Get Out Of This Place.’ ‘What A Wonderful World’ it would be if I at least had a window in my cubicle. I’d even settle for being ‘Up On The Roof.’ In a ‘Perfect World,’ I’d be back ‘On The Road Again’ driving across ‘The Lost Highway,’ preferably in a ‘Convoy’ truckin’ through the night. Of course that would require me to ‘Take This Job And Shove It’ (you knew that was coming, didn’t you. But that’s ok, because I believe that ‘Life Is A Highway’ and I do indeed want to ride it all night long. (Um, if I was a girl that would totally call for a TWSS).

In other news, I helped the twins get ready for their ‘School Days’ in the morning. When I had to wake them up, they kept saying ‘I’m So Tired.’ I made them breakfast and they were acting ‘Crazy.’ They kept trying to touch the stove and I can’t recall how many times I had to tell them ‘U Can’t Touch This.’ Of course when I said that, they replied by saying ‘Hammer time.’ It’s not a song title, but it was funny and yes, it made me a little proud. ‘I Swear.’ I had to go to their school last night for a meeting of the ‘Harper Valley PTA.’ OK, I added the Harper Valley part, but pretending it was really the Harper Valley PTA was the only part that made it worth going. After the school meeting, I took Lucy and Ethel to McDonald’s for an 89 cent ‘Cheeseburger In Paradise.’ I drank a Diet Coke that you could swim in and will probably now be up until the ‘Wee Small Hours Of The Morning.’ Well, ain’t that just ‘A Kick In The Head.’

I now feel like I am just rambling as if I’m ‘Running On Empty.’ Perhaps I need a break. Maybe I should head down to ‘Luchenbach, Texas,’ ‘The Copacabana’ or ‘Jackson.’ I’d say ‘Viva Las Vegas,’ but I’m not always the smartest ‘Gambler.’ A few days on the ‘Chattahoochee’ or a ‘Weekend In New England’ might do me good. It’s got to be ‘Five O’ Clock Somewhere.’ Of course if I keep this up much longer, you’ll all be yelling ‘Help’ or ‘Rescue Me.’

Ok, I’m done now. ‘This Is The End.’ But ‘Don’t Worry About Me’ because ‘I’ll Be Back’ tomorrow. ‘It’s All Right’ if you do worry though because ‘It’s Your Thing’ and you can do what you want to do.

As far as another post using nothing but song titles, I promise I won’t ‘Do It Again.’

Q & A Day…Because It’s Not Tuesday

Welcome to my weekly Q & A. I was worried about being low on questions and everyone bailed me out, so thank you! For some reason I’m feeling pretty blogdrained this week so I’ll just get right to the answers before I go lazy and repost…again. Oh, first I need to review the rules. Don’t quote, reference at your own risk, The Carpenters are still cool, I don’t spell check and yes, I will probably forget someone’s question…again. Remember, bonus points are awarded for spotting the Tina Fey and That’s What She Said weekly references. And here we go…

First up this week is Airam, who had quite a streak for a few days of being the first commenter here. She asked ‘When did you discover your love of music such as Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart? Do you like other kinds of music?’
Well, I think I discovered my love, which is a strong word, so I’ll say appreciate of that type of music (Captain and Tennille, Carpenters, Helen Reddy, etc.) growing up. I can remember taking car trips with the folks and that’s what they played. I just never stopped liking it. Yes, I do like other types of music. I like the Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bobby Darin type stuff, The Beach Boys and other oldies, pretty much all country 1995 and before, folk music, Motown, 60s Lounge Music (The Ultra-Lounge set of like 3 trillion cds is great) and even some disco. I also like bluegrass and polka. Ok, I’m lying about one of those last 2. I thought about liking Salsa just to sound cool, but I couldn’t get into it. I am also pretty sure that the James Bond theme songs fall into some category…

Ralph posed a question that is exciting for me, but I may lose a few of you. I promise I’ll try to keep it brief. He asked ‘NASCAR Q&A: Do you think F1 or IRL drivers like Montoya and Franchitti are good for NASCAR and the Nextel Cup?’
I do, provided they aren’t using it as a last resort like I know Jacques Villeneuve is. Besides, whatever driver can bring Ashley Judd (Franchitti’s wife) to NASCAR is fine with me. Now, if we could only get Danica Patrick a Cup ride!! It’s all a moot point really. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is going to wipe the speedy dry with everyone next year anyway!

Frigga submitted two questions this week. That was awfully nice of her.
1. Do you like green eggs & ham? How about with cheese & jam?
I do, in a stew, that is not blue. Yes, I’m through. I have had green eggs and ham (and spam) after the pan was sprayed with Pam and once I got over the fact that the eggs were not moldy, or oldy, I was fine with it.
My favorite Green Eggs and Ham moment? The Reverend Jesse Jackson’s recital of it on SNL. I cry when I watch it. Tears of green. Of course
I have never had cheese and jam. Well, not together. Food wise, they really aren’t birds of a feather. Jam is OK, but cheese rules the day.

2. Also, what would be your dream car?
James Bond’s original Aston Martin. I mean it had a passenger’s ejection seat. Need I say more?

Patti helped me out with a few questions. Thanks Patti!
‘When you have a plate of food, i.e., a balanced meal, do you consume all of the meat portion before you go on to the potatoes, and all of the potatoes before you consume the vegetables? Or do you take a bit of each as you go?’
I never eat balanced meals. I’m not a veggie guy and fruit just gets in the way. I always save my favorite food on the plate until last. Like the fried chicken skin, the meat from any dish or the tail of the shrimp. Yeah, I made that last one up. This is a long post and I wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

‘Does your mother read your blog?’
No, at least she hasn’t critiqued it yet, so I am assuming not. I kid, I kid. I know my Dad does and many real life friends do though (hi guys!!).

Wolf is a newcomer to the blog and you gotta like this question!
‘If you have two M&Ms in your hand, and you eat one, what's left? An M&M? Or just an M?’
I think it’s still an M&M, but not the plural, M&Ms. Unless it’s the yellow one. That one doesn’t really count; so then you would have a mere handout or a ‘filler,’ if you will. That one may wear the brand of the M&M, but don’t let it fool you. I discredit its existence completely. I realize I am being rough, but we were all thinking it. Right?

My Bestest Blogging Buddy Odat asked ‘My second question:What assumptions do people make about you that are totally wrong?’
My first thought of course is ‘oh crap, what was her first question??’ Probably the biggest assumption is that I am lazy or not a hard worker. That assumption simply is not true, because sometimes (like right before payday, for instance) I can work really, really hard. I mean for like 3 straight hours! I also recently found out that because of what I write and how I write, my voice was believed to me pipsqueakish like Jeff Gordon (although to protect my friendship, I will not name the accuser – hehehehe). Thank the maker that assumption is wrong too.

James Burnett paid a visit to ask me (and I figured this one would come around sooner or later) ‘Is there no God? Wait. Let me rephrase that. Why is Britney Spears rich?’
She is rich because little girls have lots of influence and talked their parents into buying her music and anything else with her name on it. I have discovered in my research that she also has breasts, which tend to be easily seen. I am pretty sure this has contributed too.

And Kat made the deadline this week (YAY) for her 3 Qs.
1. How many books do you own and do you have a bookcase at home in which to store your books. If so, how do you organize them?
I own a bunch. A few comedy books, many, many American history/biography ones and other odds and ends, like one of my favorites, ‘The Secret Life Of Lobsters.’ I do not yet possess a bookshelf for them. I will one day so that people will see my book collection and assume that I am much smarter than I am. Or assume that I put those books there because I wanted them to think I’m smarter than I am. But the joke would be on them because I am smarter than they think I am because I actually read the books. I will also put a bust on my bookcase shelf that tilts back to reveal a toggle switch that opens the Bat Cave. Does Home Depot still install Bat Caves by the way?

2. What is the one school lunch you still miss to this day?
I honestly can’t remember. But I do recall taking lunch to school in my Dukes of Hazzard Lunch box. To a boy growing up, nothing was cooler than the Duke boys! Or maybe Atari. Or perhaps my Members Only jacket. OK, I'm going to stop while I'm ahead.

3. How do you feel about stripes making their way back onto today’s tube socks? We had all white socks happening for a while and now it seems like the stripe has made a return. What is your opinion on this and have you succumbed to the new (old) fashion?
This question confirms what I have feared for sometime. I had no idea stripes were back and that makes me so out of touch culturally. But striped tubes definitely remind me of my childhood! I am all in favor of it. Or is it them? Though I try to wear socks and shoes as little as possible (like at work, which didn’t go so well), I embrace the return to the classics. Red and blue, blue and yellow, I don’t care. Bring it on! Or put them on!

The amazingly thin Lis (that will make sense when you visit her blog) asked ‘if the world's going to end tomorrow and you get to watch one movie before you join the choir invisible, which one will it be?’
Oh boy. I’ll stick with ‘So I Married An Axe Murderer.’ It’s got suspense, humor, love, betrayal and…well, I don’t want to give the rest of the plot away.

My Best Bud’s Wife asked ‘Where are my keys?’
Did you check under the trampoline, in the pumpkin patch or in the ice cream maker? Did my future son-in-law put them in his big sister’s room? Can’t I be so much more insightful because I know you guys so well? What if they have been there all along but because of life’s trials and tribulations, you weren’t able to see them? Yeah, that’s just too Jedi, huh?

AndreAnna has got to be one of my favorite people on our fast spinning globe and I have been kind enough to forget her question for at least the last 3 weeks. In a way, this week is not much different. While I can’t find the exact wording of her question, I will write the general idea. Then I will go out back, grab the garden hose and flog myself (TWSS) as punishment. AA asked kind of, somewhat paraphrased, ‘if there is anything you could change about your life (or was it your past?) what would it be?’
Regrets, yeah, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention. Ok, sorry. I absolutely could not resist doing that. I might have stayed much longer doing PR for the FOX Network instead of leaving there within a year. It was my first job after college. I also might not have given up my freelance PR/Copywriting business when I found out I was going to be the father of twins. I miss that work daily. Lastly AA, I would never, ever have called Fondue ‘Fundue’ in your presence. I have other regrets, but I’ll keep’em close to the vest for now.

Last up this week (because today is a special day for her), we have The Exception with 3 great questions.
1. What is your ideal woman?
Is there where I work in the words Tina Fey this week? OK, to be serious, I have to say that humor and intelligence are really, really important. As are a caring personality, great companionship, and...a full understanding of NASCAR.

2. Do you have any thoughts as to what each of your daughters might be, professionally, when they are adults? (Sometimes, as parents, we speculate, teachers speculate, etc)
I could see Lucy teaching because of the wonderful (albeit bossy) way she tends to mother Ethel and myself. I can see Ethel doing something related to art. She is very artistic at this age and it amazes me. There is also a good chance they could end up as background dancers in a music video. They will turn 5 in 2 weeks and their moves kinda scare me at this point.

3. If you did not live in CA, where would you live?
I want to live in New England…and not because that’s the subject of a Barry Manilow song. There is just a dream like pull it has on me. Can I describe that mystery pull? Well, I can try. It’s dark reddish (before being steamed), a few pounds in weight and has two claws…


There ya go. Thanks for waiting an extra day and for reading through to the end. If I did accidentally forget your question, please contact me so that I can provide you the mailing address of my employer so that you can explain to them that I need a day off each week to devote to Q & A Tuesdays. Your assistance is greatly appreciated in advance.

In Remembrance…

I hope you don’t mind, but I decided to forgo the mindless goofiness for the day. It just feels appropriate to me. I'll happily answer your Q&A questions tomorrow. Heck, I might actually not leave someone's question out this time around. Will I use the extra day to craft better, more thorough and entertaining questions? Of course not. I'm the King of Procrasti Nation, remember??

At the very end of July 2001, my family and I (pre-twins of course) all flew up to New Hampshire and then to Maine for a family reunion. We had a long wait on the tarmac at the airport in Newark and realized that we might get to fly past New York. In anticipation, we got out my brand new digital camera (you remember the old ones that cost $500 for a 1 megapixel unit).

As we took off in the little puddle jumper that would take us up the coast, we got an aerial tour of New York City. Although we certainly weren’t expecting it, we got to see many of the landmarks the city is famous for. We were treated to views of the Statue of Liberty, Central Park and even Yankee Stadium (which at the time was the highlight for me). But as we would come to realize just 2 short months later, our real highlight was getting to pass the World Trade Center and its 2 magnificent towers. The picture to the left was taken simply and casually as a tourist would take a picture of something they recognize. It has now become as cherished as any photo from that entire wonderful trip.

I post it in remembrance of this day 6 years ago when this country was forever changed.

I'm Not Sure What Day Of The Week It Is Repost: Want A New Xbox? Go To Mexico.

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy.

Reuters recently reported a new plan aimed at reducing the number of guns and drug related violence in some of Mexico City’s neighborhoods. The city’s new mayor announced that anyone who turns in a gun will be given Xboxes or computers. I don’t know what the price of an Xbox runs in Mexico, but this sounds like a great deal.

According to the story, handguns will get you an Xbox but larger guns like machine guns will earn you and your family a brand new computer, complete with a copy of ‘Computer Hacking and Virus Creation For Dummies’ and ‘Identity Theft Made Easy.’ I guess that means grenades are worth a PDA and anything larger than a machine gun will get you a new GPS navigation system for your car. Since the program will be run with the strictest of anonymity, I imagine there will be a lot of new Xboxes being handed out. Let’s forget reform and just sit around playing video games all day. I guess scared straight has been replaced with played straight or rewarded straight?

It seems to me that the best way to reduce drug violence is to begin eliminating the actual drugs. I don’t know if Mexico City’s Mayor is taking crime reduction tips, but how about an all-expense paid trip to Disneyland for anyone turning in drugs. The program could be taken a step further to help curb other types of crimes. If you steal a car and turn it into the authorities, you can be given a new Razor scooter. Purse-snatchers who return the purse (and wallet) get new Gucci handbags and anything returned to the home it was stolen from will receive a Best Buy or Home Depot gift certificate. Vandals who volunteer to clean up their graffiti will be rewarded with beginner art sets from JoAnn’s or Michael’s. I guess if you are accused of assault and promise to apologize profusely to the victim, you get a free punching bag. Counterfeiters who agree to destroy their fake money as well as its fabrication equipment will be rewarded with $500 American dollars for every 100 bills destroyed (wait a minute, that doesn’t seem right). You can see the benefits awaiting a career criminal who decides to clean up their act. Why oh why did I never buy a gun?

I have no idea how Microsoft feels about the program since they are the creators of the Xbox and undoubtedly, the computers being given away contain Microsoft Windows. My guess is that the computers will have Vista as their operating system, which is really a nice touch since I believe Vista is Spanish for ‘waste of money, just stick with XP.’ I can see it now when drug lords and dealers start lining up outside of Mexico City police stations demanding their machine guns back when they realize the Vista-loaded computers they were given in return aren’t compatible with their printers, scanners and digital cameras.

You know, I’ve wanted a PlayStation 2 for three years now. Maybe if I anonymously throw a rock through a window and then return the rock to law enforcement I can get one. That seems like fair compensation. I wonder if all the Xboxes being given out will contain any video games. Here’s a tip: ‘Grand Theft Auto’ might be a popular choice.

****Reminder to get your Q & A Tuesday questions in. I'm low on questions this week. Wait, I need a break. That might be a good thing...****

Things I Learned This Week: 9/8/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. Yes, I realize it's Sunday, but I really don't need any heckling today. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that when I get home from work and run outside to see my Golden Retriever Mabel and I find myself kneeling on the ground as she is excitedly running towards me, that I should never again just 'sit there and she if she'll stop,' because she won't and then I end up getting Dino'd like Fred Flintstone and get knocked off my feet like Marty in Back To The Future when he turns his high powered guitar amp up way too high.

! I learned that 2 cups of coffee and a 16 ounce Mountain Dew should never be consumed prior to driving 180 miles round trip to the middle of nowhere. And by the middle of nowhere, I mean where they apparently do not have plumbing sufficient enough to supply a restroom with water.

! I learned that when shooting Nerf guns at work, aim is of the essence. I also learned that when said Nerf dart is accidentally launched over our cubicles and into the lobby, running away only proves guilt.

! I learned that when at the Olive Garden (The OG) and people stare at me every time the waiter brings me another bowl of pasta, that the stares are not stares of amazement or honoUr. I'm also wondering why after I consumed a certain amount that my picture was not put on the wall and my meal was not given to me for free like at those steak places when some dude downs the 44 ounce Lumber Jack Special. And no, I have never tried that.

! I learned that walking Lucy and Ethel up the toy aisle at Target fully aware that their 5th birthday is only two weeks away is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever done. Ok, well maybe not as dumb as telling people I bought Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits...like recently. Very recently.

! I learned that if I show up to work two days in a row and walk into my boss' office more than once during those two days that I will be branded a Kiss A$$ . I also learned that the only way to shake this label is to go back to showing up late and playing 'Take This Job And Shove It' too loudly. You'd be surprised how well that works!

And lastly,

! I learned that there is no way to recover any dignity when you accidentally walk into a filing cabinet at work because you are busy trying to look at a cute new female in the office, especially when Female Coworker witnesses the entire thing.


****I have recorded a new podcast. If you wish to damage your ears forever, then click here at your own risk****

****Remember to get get your questions to me for Q and A Tuesday. I'll beg if I have to!!****

Just Because It’s Endless Doesn’t Mean You Have To Treat It That Way

That’s what I was moaning saying after lunch with Partner In Crime the other day. We decided to go a little more upscale for lunch and chose a nice Italian restaurant chain. To hide the establishment’s name I will only refer to it as Drab Colored Oval Shaped Tiny Vegetable Growing Area. Perhaps you know of the chain I am speaking of. If not, it was recently brought to my attention that said eatery is also referred to as ‘The OG’ (thanks AA's sister!!). I’m sure you get it now…

We had planned on the cheap and relatively light soup and salad. Until I asked the $2.4 billion calorie question: ‘Are you still doing that endless pasta bowl thing?’ The waiter’s answer: ‘yes.’ So much for the soup and salad. I can’t recall what the first bowl I ordered was; in fact I can’t remember what the second bowl I ordered was. Nor can I tell you whether it was tasty or not. I believe there was some type of sauce and most likely cheese involved, but other than that, I’m pretty clueless (as far as the food, no smarty ass remarks!)

I guess if I had ended at just two bowls of pasta, despite its endless moniker, I would have been ok. But I had to down two more additional bowls for a total of 4 bowls (sounds like a Total cereal commercial)of rather unmemorable pasta and sauce combinations. Then I had to add 4 breadsticks and 2.5 bowls of salad. I may have also snacked on a napkin and had to ask for more lemons in my iced tea, despite the fact that out waiter swore my tea had lemons when it was delivered to our table. I am also pretty sure that there were those OG wrapped mints that come with the bill to make it more palatable. I have no clue what came over me. Perhaps it was the knowledge that the sooner I got to the bottom of each bowl that there would be another waiting for me.

What is it about all you can eat situations that makes us forget about our calorie intake in the same way that a pubescent boy forgets about pretty much everything when surrounded by the local high school’s cheerleading squad? Ok, I know that rarely happens, but I wanted to provide you with an easily understandable scenario. I mean I have seen some amazing things in buffet lines. I have actually witnessed people pile up their food in configurations that should defy the laws of gravity. How in the world do greasy sauce covered ribs not slide off a jiggly Jell-O based salad? These things simply should not stay on the same plate without crashing down! And then there’s the mind baffling food combinations that find end up on the buffeters plates. I’m speaking of pie and macaroni salad on the same plate or Italian food sitting right next to Mexican food or cole slaw nested next to bread pudding. I fear sometimes that people in the buffet line forget that not only is there an unlimited amount of food, but that there are an equally unlimited number of plates upon which to place it.

Has Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs worked cleanup at a buffet restaurant yet? If not, he should. No wait, forget it. I should. Then I can submit it to the Discovery Channel in my not so secret bid to be named as the new host of Dirty Jobs when Mr. Rowe decides that it’s easier to just do the narration for The Deadliest Catch, but you don’t care about any of that. Although I have diligently been practicing my use of the word ‘Poo’ and I am far worse at math than he is, and that’s saying something!

It might sound like I am ranting here, but I speak with some degree of knowledge, kind of, almost, ok, just a little bit. I used to be a buffet whore or ‘buffore’ as it is commonly referred. A buffet was like the satellite TV alternative for restaurants. Where a normal restaurant would be an old black and white TV that had no remote control, the buffet is a Hi-Def satellite TV feed with 500 channels, including at least 3 devoted to NASCAR. Not only would my mouth water when I entered a buffet, my eyes would water too. And it wasn’t just the smell of the dirty diaper from the kid in the booth next to me that was causing it. Yeah, I’d cry just a little. In the Eden that was the buffet table, the sheer quantity of food often overshadowed the sheer lack of its quality.

You know what, I’m getting awfully hungry. What the heck was I discussing again? Crème Brule? Crab legs? Does anyone else remember? Hmmmm, I wonder what time Billy Bawb’s Feeding Trough O-Rama around the corner opens…


****In the same spirit of Q & A Tuesdays, I'm toying with starting You Decide Thursdays. I would ask everyone to submit ideas for a post each week and then write about one of those topics each Thursday. What do ya think???****

Now THAT Was A Road Trip

Earlier this week, OK, this week back in 1930, perhaps one of the coolest road trips ever came to an end just over 40 days after it started. Two men arrived in New York after making a round trip to LA and back. I know just what you are asking, ‘where’s the story about melted cheese,’ ‘how did your twins terrorize you most recently,’ ‘is that really what she said?’ Ok, seriously, you are probably asking why this was the greatest road trip ever. Honestly, I have no freaking idea, I just couldn’t think of a better intro. However, it may have something to do with the fact that the road trip was completed entirely backwards, but that’s just a guess.

Yep the 1930 cross-continent trip was done with the two men’s Model A Ford in reverse…the entire time. Now I have seen ‘Smokey and the Bandit,’ I have seen ‘Tommy Boy’ and I have even seen (appropriately enough) ‘Road Trip,’ but I gotta tell ya, driving backwards for almost 5,000 miles beats all of them, and remember every thing that Burt Reynolds did in his Trans-Am. Although I guess in a time where there were no chair or roof mounted DVD players or game consoles, CD players or even cruise control, something had to be done to bring a little excitement to the road trip. I would love to have been a fly on the white walls when they had their discussion about driving backwards. As many things like this often do, it smacks of a drunken dare. Since this was before most highways as we know them today were built (I guess think), it made the feat even more impressive.

Now I’m not saying that it would be much less impressive today. It would certainly be illegal and dangerous, but that just equates to it being more fun. I’m sure one of ESPN’s many channels would cover it and no later than a few days into the trip I’m sure the car would be sponsored, most likely by something that could tie in to the backwards trip. Maybe Caterpillar’s new line of backhoes (why do I feel like that needs a That’s What She Said?), a water filer that utilizes REVERSE osmosis or maybe a manufacturer of rear view mirrors. OK, those are lame, but look at the material I have to work with.

As the end of summer was closing in these last few weeks, I came to the realization that I missed out on taking a road trip of my own this year. I love driving for no reason and I love road trips. The idea of getting a bunch of friends together, fighting over the music, arguing about who gets to use the map highly sophisticated GPS device and deciding against better judgment what roadside choke ‘n puke to eat at just sounds like so much fun doesn’t it.

Of course a road trip needs a destination and I have a few that I’ve always wanted to road trip to. The first one would be a culinary road trip across country to savor the many great foods that our country has to offer (like Disco Fries and Fondue), and yes, my final destination would be a roadside lobster shack. I love road trips to Vegas, but for some reason, and despite my obvious display of gleeful enjoyment, no one else has ever appreciated as much as I do me putting ‘Viva Las Vegas’ on the stereo as we hit the last grade and descend down into Vegas. In fact, many times I have been asked to ‘turn that crap off!’

Another trip would be to Graceland, preferably in a very large older Cadillac. I’m still not 100% decided on requiring all of my fellow road trippers to dress up in sequined Elvis jumpsuits, but am leaning heavily towards it. I think that touring cheese factories across the country would be a lot of fun, possibly a little stinky, but fun nonetheless. For everyone sick of hearing about cheese, most dairies make fantastic ice cream, too. If you are lactose intolerant, I’m sure there is a public library or roadside fruit stand we can drop you off at until we are done. Lastly, I would want to take a road trip to famous movie and TV locales. I’d add the Brady Bunch house, Richie Cunningham’s house, the Munster’s house and Beaver Cleaver’s house. Yes, I realize all of those are in Los Angeles (and that they are all houses), but I never said how long this road trip would be. It’s a day trip, how’s that. Then we’ll all stop at Pinks for their famous hot dogs when we’re done and I’d have you home in time for Jeopardy. For a little longer travel time, I’d plan my route to include Forrest Gump’s mamma’s house, Ralphie Parker’s home from A Christmas Story, the fishing pond that Andy and Opie Taylor walk to at the beginning of the Andy Griffith Show and the brewery used for the opening credits of Laverne and Shirley.

If I were really on my game, I would burn a companion travel CD containing all of the theme songs from these shows to listen to while we drive. Granted it’s not putting the car in reverse and driving across country, but think of how much fun it would be to team-whistle (yeah, I think it’s a real term. Why do you ask?) the Andy Griffith Show theme or team-sing the Schlemiel Schlimazel part from Laverne and Shirley while speeding down the highway with McDonald’s wrappers whirling all over the place. Now, should we do rock/papers/scissors to decide who’s gonna pay for the first tank of gas?

Don’t Worry, It’s OK To Be Late Today

It’s been a while since I devoted some blog time to useless holidays and I know I always say each new holiday is greater than the last, but this time it’s really true. I was tempted to wait a few days to post this in honor of the holiday, but then you would all miss out on getting to celebrate ‘Be Late For Something Day.’

Now I regularly celebrate this holiday, except I didn’t know it was a holiday. I should have suspected there was one, but sometimes I just don’t dare to dream big enough. Note to self: start hoping for a holiday that honors deep fried foods and for a ‘take a stunning super model (or Tina Fey) to work day.’ Ok, a ‘treat Michael like a King at work day’ would be pretty cool too, you know, as long as I am dreaming and all. Oh, and a ‘get paid quite lucratively for blogging day’ would certainly be welcome as would a ‘that’s what she said day’ where everyone is free to say ‘TWSS’ as many times as they want, even when it isn’t appropriate without fear of retribution or an HR investigation. On that day, we’d be free to do it over and over and over again (TWSS). I mean I’m sitting here listing holidays I could only dream about so I might as well list them all, right? Oops, forgot ‘work from the beach day’ and ‘no work because I have twins day.’ I swear I’m done now. This post is supposed to be about ‘Be Late For Something Day,’ so I should really start focusing on that, but hey, better late than never, right. Sorry, it just seemed so appropriate.

Since I was out late Tuesday night, it was inevitable that I’d be late this morning. I guess you can say that late begets late. Or late to sleep, late to rise. Or, I really don’t care what time I have to be to work tomorrow, I’m busy tonight. No matter how you cut it, I will be celebrating ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ in grand fashion. Let’s see, if I am expected at work around 8:30, I will arrive today no earlier than 9:30. As soon as I enter the office, I will make sure to wish everyone a happy ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ just so they know that my lateness is for a good reason, as opposed to the usual reason, which is because I was blogging, eating, sleeping or ironing something to wear at the last minute. Sometimes I also forget I need to go to work, but that is just a mental block that my doctors assure me can be overcome with medicine.

Let’s just hope not EVERYONE celebrates today. There are some professionals that need to be on time today. I am speaking of people like emergency room doctors, law enforcement, ambulance drivers and other emergency responders, as well as donut shop owners and the guy that owns the Mexican restaurant across from the office. Let’s face it, there are just times when someone’s tardiness has far-reaching consequences, such as not having a full allotment of chips and salsa prepared before we take lunch at 11:30AM. I guess I should also add air traffic controllers to this list. Still, not as important as the chip dude. But then I’m not flying today. Others may disagree with me, but they haven’t tried said chips, salsa and nachos. For if they had, they too would agree that chip dude serves a far more important duty than our nation’s air traffic people…sorry, no offense, but you HAVE to try these chips!

I prefer to think of lateness/tardiness/not being on time as a frame of mind. After all, if no one points out that you are late, are you then in fact actually late? If you just slip in through the back door unnoticed and immediately assume your daily duties without stopping for coffee, that morning pick me up candy bar or to chat with everyone you encounter, are you really late, especially if your boss doesn’t see you? I choose to say no. But then I also chose to like New Coke back in the 80s, and we all know how that turned out. I also chose to give my allegiance to BetaMax instead of VHS and I liked George Lazenby as James Bond, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Well, I should go now. I need to set my alarm and all of my clocks back 45 minutes. Really, how embarrassing would it be to arrive on time (or dare I say early) on ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ Day. I’d never live it down…

Q & A Tuesday – The One After The Three Day Holiday

Well, I hope your Labour/Labor Day was nice and relaxing. For me I don’t get another paid holiday until Thanksgiving. Great, now I’m depressed. I am working wounded for this installment of Q & A. Against my better judgment, I grilled when it was about 106 degrees out and I made the mistake of picking up what I thought was an unlit piece of charcoal while trying to repile them. It turns out it was lit (quite well, apparently) and I now have a major burn on about half of my left thumb and index finger (which is digit numero uno in my advanced multi-finger hunt and peck method of typing). Ok, once again, here are the rules: no note taking, I am not an expert in ANY field and you reference my answers at your own risk. Also, I tend to not spell check my answers because it just takes too long. Remember that major kudos and friendship points are awarded if you spot the now obligatory Tina Fey and That’s What She Said references. Here we go….

Brandy is back and first up this week. Welcome back Bran, we missed you last week (and yes, I am kissing up because of my little Office mistake…) Brandy asks:
1. What movie do you wish you had the starring role in?
You could really pick any James Bond film from Dr. No (the name of my actual doctor, by the way!!) to A View To A Kill. Although I might be somewhat partial to getting to play Bond in Moonraker because it’s one of the three that the awesome Shirley Bassey sang the theme song on, I’d get to fight Jaws and it was kind of like Bond meets Star Wars!

2. Favourite mode of transportation?
I am really going to have to start incorporating the ‘U’ into my spellings!! I gotta answer that I’m partial to my legs (that’s what she said). I enjoy walking and it’s pretty cheap transportation, it just takes a little while longer. An airboat like the use down in the Everglades and swamps might be cool, but there is NO need for one here in So Cal. Another reason why I think I should move!

3. What is to become of Karen this year on the Office?
I am so glad you asked me this Bran, especially with Season 3 coming out on DVD tomorrow and knowing that we’ll all be reliving that amazing finale. Here is what I believe will happen to the lovely Karen Filippelli: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration will hire a new apprentice named Michael C. Karen will bump into Michael C. in the parking lot after Dwight accidentally causes an office evacuation when he releases a ferret into the Scranton branch. Karen will fall madly in love with Michael C and will be able to get over Jim after he leaves her (politely, albeit) for his true love Pam. Did I mention that Karen is played by Quincy Jones’ daughter? As Kevin would say slowly….YESSSSSSS.

My Bestest Blogging Buddy Odat posed a very simple, yet surprisingly complex question. She asked: ‘Why don't you move????’
Well, after 5 straight days of about 110 degree weather, I am wondering the same thing. Also, it has become painfully obvious that I cannot buy lobster on almost any street corner here. I am held here by my job, my parents, grandparents and friends and the fact that I am somewhat indentured to my neighbor in order to pay off my debt to him for all of the inflatable balls that his kids have sent over my fence, which my dog Mabel has immediately destroyed…

Awesome Mom asked a really daring question. It was ‘do you pick your nose?’
Honestly, I do not. I am prone to bloody noses and they can be somewhat of a hassle, so I keep my fingers to myself (that’s what she said). This sadly leaves me with nothing to do when sitting in the car during traffic or at a stoplight.

Just Telling It Like It Is returns this week and true to her profession, poses a somewhat medically related question. It is: ‘if you lose your big toe nail several times let's say 7 times will it grow back?’
Hmmmmm, I had always thought that the limit to toe nail regeneration was about 4-5 times, so sadly, probably not. Now if I were a lizard or a starfish, it would grow back as many times as it needed to. Though both starfish and lizards have no big toe nails, which makes it even more remarkable! After the 5th time of losing the big toe nail, you’d have to wear a big toe nail cast, which looks more like a rubber sewing thimble. This would do nothing but throw off your balance and you’d fall a lot, which would cause you to hit your head, therefore forgetting all about your big toe problem.

Lemon Stand asked a question that people in the olden times (not the official name) were persecuted for asking: 'WHY is the world round? (My youngest just asked me that and I wanted to compare notes...)
Wow, that’s a hard one! The world is round so that we can have cool fancy globes in our offices. If the world had been flat, triangular, oval or even octagonal, globes wouldn’t be as easy to globicize, which as we all know is the process of manufacturing a globe. I sure hope that’s the same answer you gave your youngest so that he won’t become confused by different answers.

Airam asked another difficult question: ‘Why do you think that Canadians add a "U" in some words like colour and flavour and labour whereas Americans (or US Americans ... such as) leave it out?’
For the record, in honor of my Canadian friends, I have begun inserting the U into those types of words. My coworkers and boss think I have just forgotten to spell check, but the fact is, I come across as more worldly read that way. Now to answer your question, Canadians are fancier than Americans, and what better way to showcase the fancierness (again, not an official word) than spelling such words more elegantly. So, to my Canadian brother and sisters, I honour your superior fancierness!!

Patti always has great questions. But then she should, she’s a newspaper woman. She asked two questions this week.
‘What is the origin of the term "wee hours of the morning?’
Before going any further, I need to add that ‘The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning’ is one of my absolute favorite Sinatra tunes. The song is about longing for a girl in the middle of the night. Or more accurately, to quote The Chairman of the Board, ‘You lie awake and think about the girl, and never ever think of counting sheep.’ These lyrics actually give the wrong indication about what the phrase really means. When you wake up in the middle of the night, you usually need to visit the restroom and the original old time English spelling of ‘pee’ was ‘wee,’ hence the phrase ‘Wee small hours of the morning.’ It’s not pleasant, but it’s fact. Maybe.

Patti’s second question was:
‘Will Lucy also get a special evening out with Dad?’
Of course she will! We will order way too much food, go shopping, play in the park and then argue about what flavor of ice cream we want to share while I explain the jokes on The Office to her. Ok, I’m kidding about that last part. I learned my lesson when I let the twins watch ‘The Simpsons.’

Ralph, Patti’s awesome hubby asked: ‘As the NASCAR freak that you are, are you going to enter your Chevy truck in the Craftsman Truck Series...You could be a star and be more popular than the despised Jeff Gordon!’
I would like to very much Ralph. I just got new tires and should be able to out handle and pass most of my competitors, just like I do on the local roads. The only difference of course is that drivers in the Craftsman Truck Series would know they are racing me, whereas the people I pass while honking and laughing at do not. I should really just bump and run though. I don’t think Earnhardt Senior ever honked and laughed as he was passing…

Frigga stopped by (probably because I FINALLY remembered to hit her Thursday Thirteen post) to ask: ‘Okay, would you rather play the role of what's his name in Groundhog Day when he get's to eat all that food, or that Bobby character who gets to drive a race car and where the wonderbread suit?’
Definitely Ricky Bobby in Talladega nights! Even though Wonderbread is filing bankruptcy, I think they would still recognize the importance of sponsoring a race car. It would be fun reliving Ground Hog day, but after the 10th or so repetition of it, I might become a little annoyed and cranky.

Beth wanted to know ‘Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?’
The easy answer would be to say San Diego or that Carme is hiding in the hills of Tora Bora with Waldo, but I never, ever take the easy way out. No seriously, I don’t! Therefore, I can say that Carmen Sandiego is currently in the witness protection program hiding under the alias Gloria SanQuentin in Needles, California. She was first offered the Alias named Britney Spears as a drunken wayward mother, but felt no one would believe such a cover story.

A newcomer to my blog, Aislínge, takes the cake this week with 10 questions!
1. Are you religious? If so, what do you practice and how did you come to be a believer?
I am Catholic. I came to this belief as most Catholics do: fear and guilt.
2. Your twins are Lucy and Ethel. How did you arrive at those particular names?
They are code names to protect the innocent. One is actually named after my favorite race track and the other is a name that the whole family liked, although she almost was named after a racetrack too. Ok, rereading this sentence does not paint me in a very good light I fear.
3. What is your reaction to blood?
I’m ok with it. Because I am on blood thinners, I have to have my blood checked every 2 weeks. However, my reaction isn’t so great when the needle is stuck into me and no blood appears. That reaction could best be described as ‘ticked off.’
4. How do you like September? Is it a favoured month or not so much? Which is your favourite month and why?
September is ok. It is certainly better than March. I have two favorite months. December and July because they both contain my favorite holidays.
5. Describe an ideal day for me. The perfect one.
The perfect day would involve waking up when I want to as opposed to when the twins want me to. It would be a breakfast burrito, no work, nachos for lunch and lobster for dinner topped with key lime pie. I would get to watch lots of sports and documentaries on TV and NBC would run a 30 Rock (because I love Tina Fey) and Office Marathon. Winning the lottery would be nice too.
6. Describe your actual day for me. A normal one.
I would wake up far too early because the twins want breakfast. I would not have time to eat breakfast because I was running late for work. Lunch would be somewhere one of my coworkers picked and I would be asked to stay late. I would miss dinner and then fall asleep before I got to watch any TV.
7. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Mint Chip. Until they figure out how to blend lobster and cheese into an ice cream base. I would definitely give that a try!
8. Besides eggnog, favourite drink? Does your eggnog come with or without alcohol?
Probably diet Mountain Dew. I can’t have eggnog so I know I am missing the full eggnog experience.
9. The best moment of your life
Watching the birth of my twins. Although the recent two races in a row where Jeff Gordon spun out while leading late in the event comes a very close second!
10. The best thing about having twins
Getting to experience double the great moments. However, this is balanced out by getting to experience double the bad moments, like incessant whining.

The Exception had 5 questions for me this week. They are:
1. What song is running through your head right now... why?
The Carpenters’ Rainy Days And Mondays.’ I have no idea why, but if I can figure it out, it will never be running through my head again.
2. When were your "Glory Days?"
Perhaps high school. Maybe college. Gheesh, that’s depressing!
3. If you could live in any period of time excluding the latter third of the 20th century to present, when would you live and why?
Probably during our nation’s birth and fight for independence. I am fascinated by that period. I wouldn’t want to wear the wigs though. This might make me want to change my answer now…
4. Why did you choose your current profession and is it the one you want for the foreseeable future?
Well, when I realized I was going to be the father of twins, I knew I had to give up my freelance PR biz and get a real job. If I am still at this job for the foreseeable future, it will be due to the fact that I am heavily medicated to the point that I don’t realize I keep showing up at the same place everyday!
5. What is your favorite female asset?
I need to be careful here, but honestly, it’s a sense of humor (like Tina Fey, for example). That is far and away the greatest asset I think a female can possess.

Whew, I'm spent! But we made it through another Q&A installment. Well, I don’t know if you did, but I had to type all of these answers, so I know I did. Have a great week! At least it’s one day shorter, right?

Happy Labor Day And Good Bye Summer

Wow, it seems like just yesterday (well, it was Friday actually) that I was lamenting the start of the Labor Day Weekend, which signifies the end of summer. Now the holiday weekend is almost over and there are just a few un-official hours left in summer 2007. Tomorrow kids will go back to school and all of us adults will go back to work as if nothing happened. The only way you'd know it had been a holiday is the fact that everyone's level of grumpiness will be slightly more elevated than usual. At least the week will be one day shorter.

It’s now time to put away the Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffett. Time to stow away that old hammock, provided you had the time to get it out at all this year (or were able to understand the directions for hanging the darn thing) and you should probably go ahead and deflate the alligator raft in the pool. We can however look forward to cooler weather (in some parts of the country), the leaves changing color (again, in some parts of the country because here in So Cal the seasons are marked by only two leaf colors -- green and dead), the sun setting sooner, the start of a new TV season (Yes! New episodes of The Office and 30 Rock) and the coming of the stretch run for both baseball and NASCAR.

Believe it or not, I have already seen both pumpkin and pecan pie in the store. The next thing you know, Target will be getting rid of their back-to-school items and replacing them with Halloween decor and costumes. I'm sure Starbucks will be featuring their Pumpkin Latte soon. Although if you allow places like Wal-Mart and Target to mark the seasons, you'd always been two months ahead of the calendar. I just know my crazy neighbor down the street will be stringing up Christmas lights within the next few weeks. Yep, summer 2007 ain't long for the world my friends. The only good thing about this is that I only have to wait one more month for eggnog to start showing up on store shelves. Don't believe me? Well, let's put it this way, I have not lost a bet yet in 7 years that I would be drinking eggnog before Halloween. I crave the stuff and actually find myself in withdrawals by March of each year. But that's not what this post is about...

To celebrate summer’s end, I was planning on grilling up some steak and corn tonight but it’s at least 106 degrees out and I’m afraid the copious amounts of sweat pouring off my head might extinguish the hot coals. Not to mention sweat may not be the best marinade, but that's all really too disgusting to ponder...sorry. I don’t think we had a Labor Day parade in town today, which is a good thing because no one likes getting stuck in hot asphalt. All in all I allowed summer to pass pretty quietly this year, with the exception of my air conditioning unit which has been the only thing running non-stop all weekend. Getting that bill should a lot of fun and a great way to start the fall season.

So I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend and a nice summer. I hope you got to do everything you planned and travel to wherever you wanted. We’ll all wake up tomorrow and just like that summer will be over. Don’t worry though; Memorial Day will be here before you know it. OK, you're right, I made that up just to make you feel better...

*****Q & A Tuesday is tomorrow and I can't provide the A's if I don't have any Q's. So, if there is anything you want to ask me, anything I can help you with, or if you seek solutions to any of life's problems and mysteries, feel free to ask away!! Seriously, it's the Monday of a 3-day weekend. What else do you have to do today, right??*****

Things I Learned This Week: 9/2/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. Yes, I realize it's Sunday, but I really don't need any heckling today. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that while soon-to-be five year olds can be taught how to shell a peanut, they do not yet possess the discipline to shell them over the bowl I asked them to. Perhaps it’s my fault for placing the bowl on the floor in front of the TV, but hey, the Wiggles were on!

! I learned that when going to a NASCAR event and I know beforehand that it is going to be 110 degrees and my only clean Dale Jr. T-shirt is black, I probably should forgo displaying my support of my favorite driver. That combined with greasy sun tan lotion creates a sensation on my skin that I am choosing to refer to as 5 kinds of funk.

! I learned that while it is perfectly acceptable to yell rude things at Jeff Gordon while at the racetrack, I should check who is sitting around me prior to beginning my tirades. As a tip, I can tell you that two things to look for are 1. Small children and 2. Big men wearing Jeff Gordon apparel.

! I learned that BBQ’ing in 110 degree heat is just stupid. I also learned that when I’ll be out in such heat and sun, I need to make sure that I apply lotion to the tops of my feet when wearing sandals. I hope my boss will understand that sunburned feet tops are a legitimate ailment and that he will be accommodating when I show up to work on Tuesday wearing slacks, shirt, tie and sandals.

! I learned that giving Lucy and Ethel Play-Doh near carpeted surfaces will not go down in history as one of my top parenting moments. And to think I thought I had averted disaster by telling them ‘now you be careful with this stuff.’ Go figure…

! I learned that despite all my fooling around at work, I had the best stats of anyone in my office this past week. While I have no idea how that happened and certainly cannot give myself the credit, I made the mistake of telling my coworkers about this. Perhaps that is why my cubicle was under constant Nerf Gun attack for the remainder of the week.

And lastly,

! I learned that just because I am having a special evening out with only one of the twins, I don’t need to order $40 dollars worth of appetizers, drinks, dessert and entrees. This is especially true given the fact that Ethel probably only ate $7.50 worth.

*****Q & A Tuesday is coming up and I can't provide the A's if I don't have any Q's. So, if there is anything you want to ask me, anything I can help you with, or if you seek solutions to any of life's problems and mysteries, feel free to ask away!!*****

Repost Saturday: MP3 Players Tell No Tales

Because I am off to the California Speedway today to yell insulting things at Jeff Gordon, I am switching things up a bit. I'm reposting today and will run 'Things I Learned This Week' tomorrow. Have a great day!!

A realization hit me on my daily walk today as Kenny Rogers began on my MP3 player. It wasn’t that the gambler made me think, it was his song “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” I love the song and was walking down the street getting my exercise and singing along. I normally don’t sing or mouth along to songs when I walk, but during this moment I was and became self-conscience as motorists sped by me grinning at the idiot singing that particular song while walking. Here I am trying to stay in shape and I’m singing “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” Next came Kenny and Dolly singing “Islands in the Stream” and I’m still singing.

I started to think that as embarrassing as it was, I really had only myself to blame. It’s not like I bought an album for one good song that happened to have all those other songs on there or someone else placed them on my MP3 player as a joke. Nope, I downloaded them onto my player because I wanted to listen to them. As this stream of thought continued, I started thinking about the other songs and artists on my player: Roger Miller, The Carpenters, John Denver and countless others that many people have never heard of or pretend not to have heard of. Right then and there I realized that I never want anyone to end up with my MP3 player.

Geez, what if I keeled over while walking, had no ID on me and someone listened to my MP3 player to get a better idea of who I was? Do I really want my lasting impression to be the guy that died while listening to “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers?” Do I want my MP3 player to still be playing “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald,” or “Rainy Days And Mondays?’ Of course not!

I’m sure this is a pretty common phenomenon among the multitude of MP3 and Ipod users out there. Would many of them really want the musical skeletons in their closet exposed? Do they really want the world to know that they listen to Andy Gibb singing “I Just Want To Be Your Everything,” or Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock?” If discovered, it could completely shatter their reputation.

“Hey Phil, they’re goes our new co-worker Katie. Rumor has it she has The Bee Gees and Helen Reddy on her Ipod!”

“Oh, I know Susie. I heard Johnny up in accounting heard her singing along to “Alone Again Naturally,” during her walking break today.”

“Oh, I would be soooo embarrassed if I were her. Can you just imagine?”

Here’s the problem though, do you play what you want to or what others would expect you to listen to? I don’t know about you, but I will choose what I want to listen to every time. I love music and if I like it it’s good enough for me. There is no reason for anyone to be ashamed of their musical tastes. But let me say this, you can be darn sure the only way you’ll get my MP3 player from me if the Captain and Tennille are downloaded on it is by prying it out of my cold, dead hand! For me and my MP3 player full of non-hip tunes, love will truly keep us together.


(Editor’s note: the songs mentioned in this blog are done so for storytelling purposes only, they have no factual basis in my listening life, no really)