Monday, May 12, 2008

Top 10 Things NOT To Do On Mother’s Day, Even If They’re Accidental

I realize that this list would have been more helpful if I had shared it BEFORE Mother’s Day. I promise I’ll try to repost it in time next year. The following are examples culled from all of my male friends and family members. Please note that they are not mistakes I have made. Shirley Surely no single person is capable of being so absent minded. You believe that, right?

10. Do not sleep in until well after 10:30 (also know as Noon), especially when you may or may not have offered to serve breakfast in bed. Also, make sure you remember whether or not you offered to serve breakfast in bed. In addition, a late afternoon nap is not a good way to follow up the other stuff I just mentioned.

9. Not everyone believes that Indy 500 qualifying is the most important thing happening during the second weekend of every May.

8. Similarly, not everyone puts the same importance on having to watch a Ronald Reagan western just because it happens to be on TV. Though, who programs stuff like that on Mother’s Day? Father’s Day maybe, but not Mother’s Day. That’s when ‘My Fair Lady’ and stuff like that should be on.

7. Due to contrary belief, ‘having me and the twins’ is not always the greatest gift one can give...or get.

6. ‘Whatever you’d like to do honey’ may seem like a nice way to spend the holiday, but you really SHOULD have something planned. This is even truer (seriously, Microsoft Office assured me truer is a real word) when the phrase ‘whatever you’d like to do honey’ is followed with the disclaimer ‘except go to your parents for dinner.’

5. When your wife asks you if take out chicken sounds good for dinner, she’s not as much asking as she is telling. For God’s sake, don’t tell her you’re not in the mood for chicken.

4. Even if you did see your mother the Saturday night before Mother’s Day, or Mother’s Eve if you prefer, you should still call her on Mother’s Day. After all, ‘your brother in Arizona with a new baby found the time to call.’ Mom’s tend to remember this sort of error and won’t hesitate to bring it up when you least expect it or when it promises the maximum guilt effect for them, even more so if the mutha mother is Catholic.

3. Never get your father a Mother’s Day card with the explanation that ‘he did half the work.’ You may mean it as a joke, but your mom won’t take it that way.

2. Just because the entire family can use the inflatable pool you bought for Mother’s Day doesn’t make the gift special.

1. Before you buy and grill up several pounds worth of steaks, check with your wife to make sure that’s actually what she wanted for her special Mother’s Day meal.


meleah rebeccah said...

I think I might have to print this one out and give this list to a few people I know!

Sunshine said...

Also, don't hack down the Mother's Day peony bushes just because you're doing yardwork and have a guy tool with a motor and a blade.
Because? Yeah, your wife will be pissed at you the rest of the day because those suckers were within a week of blooming and now she has to wait until next year.

Eva said...

Man, I think Sunshine's one should have been number 1 on your list.

And I've said this before - STOP calling me Shirley.

Candace said...

OMG I can't remember the last time I had grilled steak. Can I come eat your leftovers? With fried cheese?

Selma said...

I think Mother's Eve should become a national holiday so mistakes like these can be eliminated in time for the BIG day.

Alison said...

I'm just glad to see Marion Cunningham.

magickat said...

Good god! Did you do all these on the same day????

I love that you feel like My Fair Lady should play on Mothers Day. That is so totally true.

Carrie said...

Oh yes... truer words were never spoken.. at least not at 9:16 am.

chefmom said...

OH, I am PRINTING that out and taping it the fridge for next year!!!!

FRIGGA said...

Seriously, was your tv setting you up to fail - Westerns should be illegal on Mother's Day (and v-day, and probably one or two other days), that way the temptation isn't there! :)

Mel Heth said...

If you wife asks you if takeout chicken sounds good, I thought for sure the appropriate reply would be something having to do with an x-ray...

Julie said...

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I invite you to join me - and a cast of incredible bloggers - as we mark our world with a promise of peace. Bloggers from around the globe will participate in the fourth launch of BlogBlast for Peace.. I hope you will participate again in this growing phenomenon. Click the link below to learn how to get your peace globe.
Your blog. One post. One day.
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If words are powerful, then this matters.
Mimi Lenox
P.S. You are officially peace globe #302 in the Peace Globe Gallery.

Brought to you by Mimi’s little peace helpers.

Michele said...

Okay that list rocked. Too funny. And I am proud to say, I haven't committed any of the offences. Yet.

But um.. Did you honestly not call your mom on Mutha's day??

Patti said...

Sounds like you will be walking on eggshells around your house for a few days.

Mother's Eve is a wonderful concept.

How could you forget to call Mom? I think you are making that up.


citizen of the world said...

That's funny. Your poor wife.

Odat said...

Mutha.....that's how we spell it and say here in New Yawk!


On a limb with Claudia said...

Good advice, but you know, you should make breakfast every Sunday. That's what real men do - they take the kids on Sunday, make breakfast, just to give their wives a day off.

That doesn't happen here because 1) no one wants to eat anything D cooks, and 2) we don't have kids. But if we did .... ;)