Wednesday, May 07, 2008

And Speaking Of Segues…

I received a comment on yesterday’s post that I just could not ignore. I couldn’t ignore it for two reasons, actually. First, it mentioned creating a holiday and second, Blogger emails me whenever I get comments, so getting comments is pretty unavoidable, not that I’m complaining. I truly believe that man (or even woman) can live on comments alone. And speaking of living, my grass is finally turning green again after So Cal’s most recent heat wave. Yes, I realize that was a sub-par, non-booty kicking segue, but I’m just getting warmed up.

And speaking of segues or whatever else I began talking about in that last paragraph hanging up there above this one, Eva left a comment in yesterday’s post (remember when I mentioned that before I starting segueing) about having a National Segue Day. I’m all in favor of that and will spend the remainder of this post writing segues in my hopes of getting everyone excited about a National Segue Day. How will this segue experiment go? I have no clue. It’s either going to be great or turn out to be disastrous. And speaking of disastrous, what took that one county in Indiana so long to count their votes for the democratic primary last night? I swore Wolf Blitzer was going to start a mayoral smack down between the mayor whose votes were already in and the mayor who was still waiting for his people to count votes. Don’t worry folks, that was just another practice segue. I’m 16.4% positive that the remaining segues will go much better than expected.

And speaking of expected, why in the sphere that we live upon is segue not spelled ‘segway?’ We don’t pronounce it ‘seg-gooey’ or ‘seg-u,’ so why is it spelled ‘segue?’ I realize I am not an English professor and am a language slacker because I use kinda instead of kind of and I say Coke instead of soda or Kleenex instead of facial sanitary cloth, but ‘segue’ just makes no sense to me.

And speaking of not making any sense, I want to reinforce the fact that I am making a truly concerted effort (even though no music will be involved) to bringing the word ‘swell’ back into every day lingual use. I’ve just about given up hope on ‘excuse me, but I have to go x-ray my chicken’ because it doesn’t seem to be catching on. I think this may be related to the fact that so few of us actually own chickens. So instead, I shall focus on ‘swell.’ I mean ‘swell’ in the ‘gee Beav, that’s just swell’ sense, not the ‘it’s beginning to swell (that’s what she said)’ sense. I’ve been trying ‘swell’ out lately and I think it’s going pretty well. Try to use it yourself in the next few days and I guarantee when you do that you will be immediately transported to a much nicer and more innocent time when Ike was in the White House and it was still OK for men to BBQ outside in Bermuda shorts, colored socks and a ‘kiss the chef’ hat or apron. Or for those really saucy suburbanite males, both. Lo the many days I have been tending to the charcoal alter that other people call a grill just dreaming that I was wearing Bermuda shorts and ANYTHING that said ‘kiss the chef.’ I thought about asking Santa for some ‘kiss the chef’ apparel last year, but unfortunately I realized that ‘KISS the chef’ and KICK the chef’ would sound strikingly similar when uttered in a crowded mall whilst sitting upon a big sweaty man dressed in fur from his head to his foot. Or was that the soot, that was upon the big guy, from his head to his foot? I tried to go all Seuss there on you, but fear it didn’t work.

And speaking of BBQs and soot, this month is National BBQ Month. I am really excited (that’s what she said) about this fact. I plan on grilling all weekend and possibly every night for the rest of the month in honor. Since I have a charcoal grill though, it takes a bit longer than just walking outside and pressing a button that immediately delivers flame (not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean we all have our own way of doing things. I say pit master, you say easy propane cop out. I guess I didn’t mean for that to sound so ventive. Sorry). To deal with this longer time required to actually build and tend to the cooking fire, I am going to need to leave early every day. I have already started working on the email request to my boss about the necessity of leaving early every day. For some reason though, I am still having difficulty making the necessity of getting home in enough time to be able to have delicious grilled meat on the table before midnight sound like an important family issue or medical reason that would require me to leave early. I’m a go-getter though so I won’t give up until I do.

And speaking of go-getters, it’s time to refocus my energy on National Segue Day. I’m assuming (and remember what I always say: assuming does not make you an ass, it makes you a risk taker who has no fear in making semi-logical decisions based on too little information) that there is some national committee that presides over whether or not a proposed holiday actually becomes a holiday. It’s like congress, except the holiday people don’t take as many vacations, which is ironic considering they preside over holidays.

And speaking of holidays, I need to decide what day to propose that National Segue Day will be held on. I’m thinking it should begin about 11:30pm local time on some Thursday night. It seems like an odd time, but by starting at the end of a Thursday, it allows us to segue and celebrate right on into Friday. See, we’ll be seguing from the end of one day to the beginning of another. Then, we can spend all day Friday making bad segues from one topic to another, kind of like this: ‘did you hear the Morty down in accounting got bitten by a donkey last weekend? And speaking of asses, how about the new boss down in payroll. What a jerk.’

And speaking of ends, I am now done with this post. Hopefully National Segue Day will take off and become as popular a holiday as National Bacon Fat Day or Do Your Coworker’s Office Tasks For A Day, Day. I made those both up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually exist.

And speaking of making things up, I need to remember to turn that quarterly report in at work tomorrow…

17 comments:

Eva said...

Mmmmm...National Bacon Fat Day. That would be a swell holiday.

I'm off to KFC to pick up a bucket of Original Recipe. [Not really, but it's the best I could come up with to segue into...] Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go x-ray my chicken.

Michele said...

That segway post was just swell! I know it's segue, but I can't pronuce it right when It's written properly.

And speaking of...Oh wait, I really have nothing to go with that. You my friend, are the segue master!

Btw good luck getting your boss to agree to let you off early in order to BBQ everynight. I really feel this is indeed a necessity, as a good BBQ is essential to one's health.

Alison said...

I love segues. I used to be a DJ. But Bacon Fat Day? I'm so there.

Sizzle said...

I'm not doing any of my co-workers tasks. Forget it!

:)

Selma said...

Coming up with a good segue is very hard (that's what she said) but you are the master. I bow to you Segue-San.

Heart Of Darkness said...

I fully diagree - you can't live on comments alone. But comments and the occasional glass of water will do! :)


But hey, let's not list things we need to survive - that might be a looooooong list.






...or are you up for it? ;)

Valerie said...

OK, I'm going to sound really dumb when I admit this, but before I saw this post, I had seen "segue" before and had no idea that was that fancy schmancy "segway" word I'd heard in conversation before. Before I got to the paragraph where you talked about it, I went to dictionary.com to look up the pronunciation. VALERIE = SMART

And I've been trying to bring "swell" back for ages. I'll work on bringing it back over here on the East coast ;)

Oh, and you have not asked me a question yet (see my blog). GET ON IT (that's what she said)

Cass said...

I'm over stimulated by this post. I just am.

Here we go:
1. I used the word swell today PRIOR to reading your post. I used it because someone who just made my life a shit storm for 48 hours at work had the nerve to ask me how I was....so I said. SWELL and mumbled asshole after it. I agree. Swell is the new FINE.
2. I tried to order BBQ last night from the BEST Q place in the Tri-State area (which is not really saying much) and was disappointed to learn that it had BURNED DOWN. NO kidding. I was beside myself.
3. Segue's are not my thing....that's why I like lists, numbers and bullets....taking a thought from one place to the next is beyond my non-caffeinated pregnant self. But I fully appreciate your effort to make a day of it!

meleah rebeccah said...

National Segue Day is my new favorite holiday. At least I am 16.4% sure its my new favorite holiday.

Carrie said...

amazing as usual. so glad to be back!

Natalie said...

Wait, you say coke instead of soda? I thought you were from Cali.

Momo Fali said...

And speaking of hilarious goofballs, there's this Michael guy...

Mel Heth said...

I have the same problem with queue as you have with segue. I remember reading that word as kewew when I was a child. They should just spell it cue and call it a day...

Dr.John said...

Sometimes the end of the post is the swell part.

Eva said...

Ooooo...Dr. John totally BURNED you.

...In your face! (that's the one I'd like to bring back into everyday vernacular.)

:o)

magickat said...

Yay seg's are fun. Almost as water parks on a hot summer day. And summer is approaching fast... only 6 more weeks til the big day!!!

I'm not as good at this as you. Definitely not as funny either.

Patti said...

This post is hilarious! I was laughing out loud.
You're swell, Michael.

Are you sure you didn't live in suburbia in the early 60s?
Could've fooled me.