Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Poly-Ticks

Have you ever wanted to write about politics (heck, even hearing the word can get people riled up) but were afraid to upset or anger or offend or sadden or enflame or pander to or accuse or disenfranchise anyone? Well, I don’t know that anyone actually worries about disenfranchising readers, but the political pundits say that word whenever I watch election coverage on CNN and I wanted to try it out. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d get to use it this early. I thought I’d have to mention Florida or the 2000 election before I got to say it. I have to admit though that it feels good. Well, saying disenfranchising feels good. I’m not really sure how actually disenfranchising somebody feels since I haven’t done that yet. There was a McDonalds in town where I grew up and they had horrible health standards. I think they were disenfranchised since the place is now a $1 Burger joint, but that might be something different. I’ll let you know for sure as soon as I look up the meaning of ‘disenfranchise.’

Truth be told, I enjoy politics. The ongoing race for the Democratic (uh-oh I probably just ticked half of you off) nomination is far more exciting than anything we have seen in politics in a long, long time. Well, with the notable exception of that hot chick that brought down the Governor of New York or that girl on Gary Hart’s lap back in the ‘80s. Those were kinda fun. And it was exciting when Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle that he knew JFK and Quayle was no JFK. Or how about when Reagan responded to a jab from Walter Mondale by saying ‘Well, there you go again.’ I’m going to stop now, as I fear my Geeky Geekerson side is beginning to show…

Other than the tiny, practically insignificant fact that many people believe it would completely and permanently shatter the Democratic Party, the possibility that the nomination could go all the way to the Democratic National Convention (of course by the time you read this it could all be even a moot-er point than it is while I’m writing it) is enough to make some people downright giddy. Take that John King guy at CNN who uses that specialized digital map with so much dexterity that watching his fingers operate it is enough to cause people to experience vertigo, for example. I bet he’d be giddy.

By the way, is John McCain still running (uh-oh, I probably just ticked off the rest of you)? I haven’t heard anything from him in a while. I guess he’s already got his ticket to the proverbial big show so he can sit back and relax while everyone else tries to find a scalper or overpriced ticket agency that still has a pair (of tickets, that didn’t come out right). Yes it’s still May and no we don’t have a Democratic candidate yet (depending on who you ask), but I am ready to make a prediction. I am projecting that the next President of the United States will come from the United States Senate. That has not happened in quite some time. We’ve had an awful lot of Presidents recently who were governors prior to moving into the White House, but no Senators. The last person I can think of who became President directly after leaving the Senate was JFK. LBJ was a former Senator, but he served as JFK’s VP prior to becoming President so I am not counting that.

Whoa, there was a lot of information in that last paragraph there. Sorry, I didn’t mean to come so close to providing you with actual substance to read. That’s not my bag. Wait, that didn’t feel right. I’m not sure saying ‘that’s not my bag’ is really my bag. Although, it did feel a little better the second time. That’s what she said. There we go. That felt right. That’s what she said again.

So, how do you write about politics without offending half of the audience? I’m not sure that you really can because many people have their own side and their own view and stick to it the same way that peanut butter sticks to the roof of a dog’s mouth. Actually, politics can make some people salivate in the same exact manner. I think the real trick is being fair enough to not offend EITHER side, but since it’s politics and someone is gonna get ticked (plus the fact that it’s much less work to upset people than it is to not upset them), you should work on offending BOTH sides. And we all know that’s a lot more fun…

*It has come to my attention that I was not fair and unbiased in this post. It seems I mentioned some form of the word ‘Democrat’ four times and never actually mentioned some form of the word ‘Republican,’ even though I directly mentioned their candidate, John McCain. So, in my ongoing effort to upset both sides, I need to do this: Republican, Republican, Republican, Republican. There, now is everyone happy upset?

16 comments:

Sunshine said...

I used to write for a political blog, but the few times I write about politics on my own blog, I guess I offend everyone, or uh, no one, because I'm a Libertarian.

That's how you do it, my man.

Candace said...

Ha, like Sunshine, I consider my self a Libertarian. But it's pretty pointless to vote that way, isn't it? Maybe this time. . .

I've been waiting for the major political parties to crumble and reform as new entities with, possibly, the addition of a third (significant) party. It seems sort of imminent these days. Whaddya think?

I don't do politics on my blog, cuz bloggers are all Democrats. ;-)

Republicans. Libertarians. There, have I evened the score? Ooops, Libertarians (oops I said it again) are ahead by one. Make that 2 now. That's ok. They could use the support. ^_^

Candace said...

PS Reagan Rocked!

There. Now I've pissed off most of your readers.

cmk said...

You don't have to say Republican OR Democrat to piss people off these days. All you have to say is 'politics.'

I'm done with it all--I'm going to dig a hole in the backyard, bury myself, and leave instructions to be dug up sometime in February. It should all be over with by then, right?

brandy said...

I had to stop writing about it because I have a secret. A dirty, little secret. I've become one of those people who wants one candidate to win so badly that I dislike ( I want to use the word 'hate' here, but that seems wrong) the other candidate for no other reason other than they are not who I want to win. My dislike is based not on policy, or past performance but solely on something immeasurable, which seems unjust.

And it would be fine if I could keep these feelings hidden, but I can't now. I even find I want to slip in slide remarks about the candidate I dislike when I write about David Gergen, my secret love. And that's not cool (being snide that is- my love for Gergen will always be hip). Hence, the political break.

Eva said...

I prefer to just live inside my little bubble of a universe. After eleven years up in the Bay Area, I hate politics. Is that okay to say? What I *do* like, is this:

"I’m not sure saying ‘that’s not my bag’ is really my bag. Although, it did feel a little better the second time. That’s what she said. There we go. That felt right. That’s what she said again."

Pure comedy gold, my friend. :D

Michele said...

I'm with you on being fearful writing a political post, especially when you need to be concerned about disenfranchising people these days.

Obviously offending both parties is the best way to go. That's what I would do, if I ever were to write about poli-ticks.

btw did you notice we both have ticks in our titles today? Coencidence?

Selma said...

Why can't all the politicians just love one another and get along and have singalongs together? I bet Hillary, Obama and McCain would do a great version of Mack The Knife. Now that would really be my bag!

Patti said...

This is a funny post, Michael. I like the way you go out of your way not to offend or disenfranchise.

I am watching all this political stuff quietly on the sidelines. I don't mention politics on my blog, because I'm not good at confrontation.

I wouldn't want someone to start debating me for my views. I'm chicken like that.

citizen of the world said...

I'd be enjoying this (the race)more if there weren't so much at stake. I got a taste of the lowe regard Americans ar held in, and I think it has intensified greatly since GWB took power. Yeesh.

Amy said...

Actual substance to read...that's funny!

Great post...it's sad that we really can't 'discuss' these options without getting upset...I was discussing with a friend a few weeks back about my voting choice and he went off the hook...really?

I didn't get mad about the choice you made!

I won't write about politics or my religion choices...gets people ticked off...

magickat said...

"Whoa, there was a lot of information in that last paragraph there. Sorry, I didn’t mean to come so close to providing you with actual substance to read. That’s not my bag. Wait, that didn’t feel right. I’m not sure saying ‘that’s not my bag’ is really my bag. Although, it did feel a little better the second time. That’s what she said. There we go. That felt right. That’s what she said again."

This is the greatest sequence of sentences ever written on any blog in the history of time.

Go Obama. Go Hillary. Go anyone but that other guy.

meleah rebeccah said...

If this post wasn't written by you...and I saw the words Politics...

*fingers in ears*
La La La La La La
I cant hear you.

But, since it came from you, I read it. and I laughed my ass off.

Thanks

FRIGGA said...

You haven't heard from McCain because you don't need to. He's the nominee. Right now he's sitting back letting the Dem's rip each other apart and we won't really see him until after the Dems nominate one or the other. Besides, the less we hear of him, the better are his chances (with true conservatives anyway.) 8-)

Mel Heth said...

Michael, I would like to see you moderate one of the debates and insert "that's what she said" whenever appropriate in each party's arguments.

Janna said...

Whew!
Thank goodness I managed to maintain my regular level of political apathy throughout the entire post.
It wasn't easy, when I saw the word "Republican", but still, somehow, I managed.

All the kitchen knives have been put back in their proper places.