Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Mow The Merrier

The gas price spike hike (I can’t even say it one time fast) has affected a lot of things from the price of food to the reduction of traffic to the stopping of the wonderful gasoline water fountain down at city hall. And it’s a shame too because the ‘fueling the future’ sculpture was so nice. Perhaps even more than that, it has put yet another crimp in my attempt to get a riding lawn mower (the other crimps of course being the relatively smaller size of my yard and the price of the mower, but those objections can be overcome with time, by which I mean constant nagging, whining and pleading until I get my way).

My pure unadulterated lust desire for a riding lawn mower was renewed when I read an AP story recently about how NY police arrested a man wearing a tuxedo who was tooling around on a riding lawn mower in the middle of the night. Yes, he was drunk, but I feel that just obscures the real story here. The real story being that he loved riding lawn mowers so much that he was willing to leave some event that required him to wear a tuxedo just to take a spin. Of course that is all pure speculation on my part (and it more than likely is due to the fact that he had been drinking, but I’m still ignoring that because it cheapens the whole beautiful story).

What guy out there has not fantasized dreamt of walking outside and mounting his trusty steed. Yeah, those last few words made me a little uncomfortable too. I’m just trying to say that I have yet to meet another guy that wouldn’t turn down the chance to pilot a riding lawn mower on a sunny, warm weekend afternoon with ice cold beverage in hand while listening to the selected hits from the S
mokey and the Bandit canon? Just close your eyes for a moment and imagine taking tight turns around bushes and shrubs (also defined as smaller bushes) leaving a fresh cut path of beauty in your wake while Jerry Reed serenades you with ‘Eastbound and Down.’ Yes my friend, you have a long way to mow and a short time to get there.

While riding a lawn mower might not be the best way to get in shape, it is a more fun way to manicure your lawn. I imagine it’s also a great way to have a little alone time. Just you, your ride and green asphalt baby! (I’m calling grass ‘green asphalt’ in an attempt to be hip. I’m pretty sure I failed in that objective). While the makers of mean green grass cutting machines might never have intended for people to sip away and slip away while on their mowers, they DID begin building them with cup holders on board. I’m just sayin’…

An oft overlooked point about riding mowers (and one that I employ frequently in my dialogue begging) is that the riding mower can actually be the most fuel-efficient vehicle in your garage. Mr. Tuxedo in NY obviously knew this. So too did country legend George Jones when his wife took away the car keys so he couldn’t drive to the liquor store. Yep, you guessed right, he took the riding lawn mower instead. Is it just me, or is that not one of the coolest stories you have ever heard? Useless Trivia Alert: That’s where Vince Gill got the line ‘she may have took the car keys, but she forgot about my old John Deere.’

I had hopes of teaching Lucy and Ethel to drive by using a riding lawn mower. Sensing that might not hap
pen, I have started using Mario Kart on the Wii instead. I fear they need more realistic training though as I’m pretty sure I got whiplash after letting Lucy drive on Autopia at Disneyland last time we were there. Yes, I know that ride is on a track, but with enough speed and reckless abandon, you can still get hurt. I also realize that they are only 5 ½, but my Dad didn’t start teaching me to drive until I was 16. Just think how much better a driver I would be if I had that extra 10-11 years of practice. Heck, I’ve just recently mastered the art of looking over my shoulders when I change lanes. And did you know most people use the rear view mirror on the windshield when backing up instead of angling it so you can see what your children are doing in the backseat? I say it’s never too early to start driving lessons.

So, I am officially adding riding lawn mower alongside deep fryer on my list of things I really want but would probably just end up getting me hurt. And speaking of fun things that aren’t good for you, could you imagine if someone found a way to put a deep fryer ON a riding lawn mower. The ramifications are just too exciting for me to even begin to vocalize. Cutting grass while preparing homemade corn dogs? I’m getting all shivery inside (that’s what she said).

By the way, it was 10 years ago today (May 14th) that Frank Sinatra passed away. I did not mean for that rhyme, at least not this time. OK, the last rhyme was intentional. So, let's all tip our fedoras to the passing of one cool cat.


citizen of the world said...

"mounting his trusty steed"

Those words should make you uncomfortable!!

And in fact, distracted me from most of the rest of the post.

There was a movie, but I can't remember which one, where people rode their riding mowers in a choreographed formation.

Ralph said...

You don't really need a mower out there in the desert, do you? Unless it allows you to beat the traffic and tolls while driving in the median of the 91 freeway, of course.

There is that episode of 'Home Improvement' where Tim and Bob Villa had that race in their hot-rod mowers?

I was wondering about your use of the terms 'riding' and 'mounting' too...

Alison said...

My dad started driving when he was 13. Yes, he got his start on tractors, the precursor to riding mowers.

But I have to ask, like Ralph did - you don't really need a roiding mower, do you? And I am TOTALLY leaving my typo, because it's cracking me up.

cmk said...

I took away my hubby's need to get a riding mower by purchasing lawn care as a Father's Day gift for him several years ago. Now we like the lawn guy too much to fire him, so no lawn mower needed. I'm sure K is plotting a way to get one, though. I just have to be creative enough to keep throwing up roadblocks! ;)

On a limb with Claudia said...

Dude, I would not want to see your So. Cal water bill if you have enough grass to warrant a riding lawnmower.... Scary... No wonder you have to work 7 jobs.

Michele said...

This whole post I could only think of two things. 1, how cool it would be to own and ride a mower, they are like quads for grass right?

And 2 the episode where Lucy tries to mow the lawn with one, and doesn't know how to work it, so it takes off, and she rides all over town...

Okay so the description isn't as funny as the show, but it was funny. Honest.

Selma said...

That gasoline water fountain would have been a sight to see. A real tourist attraction. Shame it's gone.

meleah rebeccah said...

I laughed the whole way through this ENTIRE post!

There are way too many great quotes to work with here.

I love the man in a tuxedo on a rider mower! How awesome IS that!!!

There is no way I will never attempt to say "The gas price spike hike."

Rest In Peace Frank Sinatra

ps:Mario Kart on the Wii is sheer awesomeness.

Heart Of Darkness said...

What's wrong with riding a lawnmower in a tuxedo? (that should be "while wearing a tuxedo" or it sounds like the lawnmower was dressed up to the nines)? - I thought that was the ONLY way to ride a lawnmower! Gawd, you need to put a little finesse to everything you do, don't you? ;)

Momo Fali said...

Even I would cut the grass if I could ride and drink beer while doing it.

Mel Heth said...

If you had the mower, would you get a belt buckle like that guy in the picture? Seems like a necessity for mowing.

okiesister said...

First off, I love the picture of King Richard!
Secondly, I wonder if you lie awake at night composing all this funny stuff; stifling a laugh because you are so freakin' cleaver. I know I get excited (that's what she said) when I'm extra phun-ny.
And finally, a tip for the day.
Before purchasing a riding lawn mower, measure the clearance through the gate in the fence. Not that anybody's husband that I know, came home with a mower that didn't fit into the back yard, because that would be hilarious. Er, I mean that would be a bone-head move, and of course everyone that I know is highly evolved and very ed-u-ma-cated.

magickat said...

You totally a missed a TWSS on "mounting his trusty steed"! You are slacking!

We have a riding lawmower. I will admit it actually IS a lot of fun I do like the idea of attaching a fryer to it but I think it would make operating such a heavy piece of equipment with spinning blades that much more dangerous. Just a thought. Good luck with that, though :)

magickat said...

Please tell Citizen of the World the movie she is thinking of is "She's Having a Baby"

Candace said...

I can't imagine anyone in CA having enough grass to need a riding mower. That said, we have one. But we live in MI. And it has a snowblower attachment, too.

Patti said...

The seat on that mower in the picture looks a lot like Ralph's wheelchair.

I'm surprised he didn't make note of that.

funny post, old chap