Wednesday, January 16, 2008

These Shoes Are Made For Changin’

I swear that the story you are about to read is real. It might sound fabricated, but I assure you that it is true as the stories of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Wait, that’s not really helping my argument, is it? Well, just rest assured that the story is true…

I must preface this TRUE story with a little background. I have never thought of myself as a fashionable individual or as someone who really cares about fashion. If I am in jeans and a t-shirt or shorts and a t-shirt, I have achieved my pinnacle of high fashion. If you catch me in an untucked button down shirt, then there’s a good chance someone has died or is getting married, or possibly I am on my way to a job interview. There was something that happened on the way in this morning that made me think perhaps I might just care a little more about fashion than I would like to believe. And this is what happened…

On my drive in this morning I was fretting that while I have post ideas for my 500th post in a few days and April Fool’s Day, I did not have one for today. Then as if from out of nowhere, the blogging powers that be looked down on me and tossed their fortuitous cookies my way. While at a stop light, I looked down (as I often do) to make sure I had matching shoes on. Please don’t ask me why I do that. It’s just a paranoia I have that I will be in such a hurry some day (because I haven’t been on time for work since 1997, which is OK because I’m salaried) and put mismatching shoes on. It was then I stopped at the red light at the corners of bad luck and good luck and noticed that I did indeed have two completely different black shoes on. Come on, we’ve all done it…right? And here is where the new sense of fashion comes in. Although I debated the merits of going into work anyway and dealing with the inevitable ribbing, I decided to turn around, go back home and put on matching shoes. Well, I did stop at Starbucks first. As I reflected on my decision on my drive (back) to work, I realized that in the past I could have cared less that I had the right shoes on. What I can’t figure out is when having matching shoes on became so important to me. Before today, I would have taken this footwear handicap as a challenge to develop as many witty comebacks for my coworkers when they gave me grief about my shoes. Impressive lines like ‘yeah well, at least I have 2 different pairs of shoes,’ ‘I’m impressed you even managed to notice my shoes weren’t the same’ and ‘so is your mamma’ would have spewn forth (my phrase, but you can use it) from my mouth in my defense, wowing my attackers coworkers.

Now sure, I could use the excuse that I was up late with Lucy and an ear ache, I watched a Lee Harvey Oswald special last night and was afraid to get out of bed this morning, that I had not had coffee yet, I was distracted by the drop in my daily blog commenters, it’s been like 34 hours since I last had cheese or that I am simply an idiot, but I decided to accept full responsibility for leaving the house with mismatching shoes. And because I am man enough to accept responsibility, here is the real reason I headed for work with incorrect footwear: Rachael Ray.

Yep, it was Rachael’s fault. I could hear her voice while getting ready for work this morning and that made me think of food, which in turn made me realize I was hungry, which made me realize that the twins needed breakfast, which always reminds me to put on a little morning TV on for them, which displays the time and that reinforces that I am late, but I am making breakfast for Lucy and Ethel, the scent of which makes me need breakfast, but I don’t have time to make bacon or steak and settle on cereal, but I can’t have cereal without checking my email when eating it and then I see the backyard and want to play with my dog Mabel. She steps on my feet and that reminds me that I need shoes for work. Oh yeah, work. I’ve kinda forgotten that I need to get there. So, while still craving bacon and hearing Rachael’s voice, I close my eyes to get her out of my head, and THAT is when I reach blindly for my shoes…thus putting two different ones on.

I eventually did tell my coworkers why I REALLY was late to work today. They say a nanosecond happens before we can even count it, but I say the scientists are wrong. It took less time than that after the explanation left my mouth until I began regretting it. Stupid Rachael Ray…

12 comments:

Lis said...

Can't you feel the difference when you're wearing different shoes?

chefmom said...

SEE???? This is just another reason that she should be banned from all viewing and listening outlets. Don't get me started....I could go on for days, and give you 6 million reasons why she should just go away. And how could you go 34 hours without eating cheese? That's down right wrong. Nevermind about the shoes....maybe you were having cheese withdrawls.
I hope Lucy feels better :)

meleah rebeccah said...

ha ha ha..

I KNEW 'Chef Mom' was going to be all over this one. She HATES Rachel Ray.


I have gone to work in mismatched shoes...and used the CHILD excuse.

But I would have been more embarrassed to wear mismatched shoes in Starbucks!

Natalie said...

I don't think I have any shoes with the same heel size so I would certainly not make it far. Nice work.

Valerie said...

Rachael Ray's voice drives me batty! She won't shut up even for a SECOND! And she's always moving her hands around! AhagahgagggghhH!

Her recipes are fantastic, though :)

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Next time just say that you forgot to turn on the light when you were getting dressed, thus could not tell the difference between the shoes. Knowing you, they wouldn't question it.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I so rarely wear shoes, that it's more likely that I put on two wrong feet - than shoes.

Your morning sounds really nutty. You're lucky to be wearing pants with all of that going on!

Patti said...

I'm guessing you went through the drive thru at Starbucks.

I also hope Lucy feels better.

Love the writing! Well done, Michael.

James Burnett said...

Happy New Year, my friend, and sorry I haven't visited in a while. Will do better at that in '08.

So onto the shoes. Don't feel bad. I've done it too. But I did it with a black shoe and a brown shoe. When I find a pair of shoes I like, which is rare, I will buy it in both colors to match different clothes, etc. Anyway, the short of the story is I got dressed in a dark room, put on one brown ankle boot, one black ankle boot, and yadda, yadda, yadda, I looked like a dumbass when I got to work. Luckily I often get to the newsroom earlier than other people. So not a lot saw me. Plus I keep tennis shoes in my car and my desk. So I put on a pair and just told the very few who asked that I planned to take a vigorous walk on my lunch break. It worked.

CS said...

Yep, I've done it, too. Drove all the way back home as soon as I realized it. And I can't blame Rachel Ray because I have never seen the show.

Selma said...

At least you don't have to worry about your bag matching your shoes - you really don't want to have to go there...

That Rachael Ray has a lot to answer for. My son has given up all traditional forms of swearing and now says 'Oh my gravy' because he thinks it's hilarious. Believe me, 35 times a day is not hilarious. Thanks a lot Rachael!

FRIGGA said...

Don't you know - that's a sign that means you need to call in sick. And since you were already up and dressed you were supposed to have gone and done something fun!!

How did you miss that one? Are you feeling okay?