Thursday, January 24, 2008

Ten Reasons I Should Not Have Gone Into Work Wednesday

10. By 11AM, I had offended 3 of the 5 women in our office. Apparently, telling a coworker that she moves very fast for an 8 ½ month pregnant woman is not seen as the compliment that I intended it to be.

9. It turns out that greeting each and every person in our office by name every time I passed them at their desks both coming and going in an effort to lighten the mood of our office did not work like I thought it would. How do I know this? I was asked to stop greeting each and every person in our office by name every time I passed them both coming and going.

8. For some reason, when I was putting important dates on my calendar, I mistook Wednesday, January 23rd for Wednesday, January 30th. Turns out my boss didn’t. I think this was because an important report was due today – January 23rd and not next week - January 30th, like I thought it was when I wrote it on my Dunder-Mifflin/Office calendar.

7. I was asked to stop singing Hank Jr.’s ‘Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound’ by a coworker as I was singing it while finishing up a report. Though in all honesty this is not the first time that has been requested of me.

6. The vent directly over my desk seems to think it’s mid-August. It didn’t help that every time someone walked into my office they felt they had to mention how cold it was. Though in hindsight, I guess I really didn’t have to reply to them by saying ‘I know, that’s why I’m shivering, you du-mass.’

5. I’ve always felt that showing up 15 minutes after everyone else was a great way to ensure that I didn’t have to wait for the coffee to brew when I get in because it’s already finished when I get there late. This was one of those days though when someone had left only 7 drips in the pot believing it was completely acceptable. I’ve got a tip for ya: it’s not acceptable, or considerate.

4. I annoyed a few of my coworkers when I decided it would be fun to talk like Richard Nixon from about 1pm-2pm. Well, to quote tricky Dick: ‘they won’t have me to kick around anymore.’

3. I left the lunch I had packed this morning on the kitchen counter. Though I ended up going out for burgers and fries at a great choke ‘n puke, so that one didn’t end up so badly, but I don’t feel like rewriting reason #3, so I’m going to keep it included in this list.

2. Three coworkers walked into my cube to get my input on something. I know this doesn’t sound so bad, but let me also tell you that it was also the exact moment when Barry Manilow’s ‘Copacabana’ was playing on my Ipod. It must not be as popular a song as I thought it was because all three of them responded with a ‘what the hell is that?’

1. The break room vending machine was just stocked with Diet Dr. Pepper in cool retro cans but the knob to select it doesn’t work. Now I know how all those people felt at the end of the ‘Got Milk’ commercials when their mouths were stuffed with cake and they realized they were out of milk. Only difference – I hate cake and don’t like milk. Other than that though, I feel just like those people. To make it worse, one of the girls in the office walked in as I was complaining about the broken knob. She took my quarters, inserted them and out came a can of Diet Dr. Pepper. I told her that if I didn’t fear a visit from HR that I would hug her and then discretely asked her to just keep this incident between the 2 of us. Although I don’t think she heard me because she was laughing so hard.

20 comments:

brandy said...

I think telling a pregnant woman she moves fast would be a compliment. But, I've never been pregnant so maybe my views would be different after having the miracle baby in me. Also? You don't like milk? Are you joking? Surely you must be. It's one of the greatest things ever. I think sometimes I like it more than water. And we all know how cool water is. It's like, the Jack Nicholson of beverages.

Michael C said...

Bran: Ok, when it's really, really cold or when with cereal in the middle of the afternoon, then I like milk. See, you thought the pregnant thing was a compliment too.

Sizzle said...

you don't like cake!?

are you a...pie person?

the fact that you have barry manilow on your ipod redeems you from the cake comment.

at least in my book!

Michael C said...

Sizzle: Thanks for the shot at redemption. Yeah, I'm a pie guy...preferably Key Lime. MMMMMMMMMMMM. Yes, Barry Manilow is a king in my book. Should I stop admitting that though??

Lis said...

Maybe you shouldn't be trumpeting your love for the Manilow too much, eh?

Patti said...

I never knew anyone who didn't like cake.

Isn't the stuff in diet soda bad for you? Milk is much healthier and will keep your bones strong.

We like "Copacabana" in our house. Great song!

AndreAnna said...

Who doesn't like cake?

You are Lucifer.

Gledwood said...

that sounds like the mother of all bad days

Valerie said...

Why does it seem that people ALWAYS walk into your office at the WRONG moment?

On the other hand, maybe every moment is the wrong moment.

And YAY for getting your Diet Dr. Pepper! I know if there were to be anything standing between me and my Diet Dr. Pepper, it would be an absolute travesty. It is one of my favorite beverages.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

You don't like cake or milk?

I don't think we can be friends anymore.

Though, I think I'm going to have to introduce du-mass into my everyday vocabulary.

FRIGGA said...

I agree, we should all get the day off! And is it wrong of me to have started singing Copacabana after reading that?

Happy Friday Eve!! :-)

STACY'S TRIP said...

Havent seen the cool retro can yet.... Now I'm on a quest! Thanks

chefmom said...

OK, it's out, I HATE CAKE TOO!! Even though that's all I deal with, I hate it. When I made cheese all day long, I hated cheese. Cake, I have no tolerance for, no matter what. Pie, not so bad, depending on what it is... Key Lime Pie Martini and now we're talking!! Vanilla Vodka, Lime juice, a dash of simple syrup and some frothed pineapple juice and I'm in heaven. I just don't see why you're not the hit of the office. If you told me at 8 1/2 months preg. that I was fast, I'd be thrilled! Especially on job, in a kitchen; Hell I'd be keeping up with the Early Bird Diners!! (if you know what I mean...not calling anyone "old" or anything!)

Odat said...

So I take it you had a good day?
Peace ;-)

abbersnail said...

Eh, my desk is in a HALLWAY (I only wish I was kidding about that), so you get no sympathy from me.

I'm kidding about the sympathy. Also, I LOVE milk. I'm on a milk kick right now. When I was a kid, we used to go through a gallon of milk a DAY in my house, mostly due to me. It's a little-known fact about me.

There may or may not be a good reason for that.

CS said...

I think your "compliment" to the pregnant woman was actuallya good one. Sure beats the one I got - "So, I see you've reached the lumbering stage."

kat said...

Although I would love to work in an office with you, after reading lists like these I am reminded why I am so happy I don't work in an office.

"PC Load Letter? What the f*ck does that mean?"

Carrie said...

Yeah... basically anything you say to a pregnant lady could be taken as an insult... so I tend to stick with saying 'hi'.

meleah rebeccah said...

I shouldn't go to work (or be around the general public) ever....

"10. By 11AM, I had offended 3 of the 5 women in our office. Apparently, telling a coworker that she moves very fast for an 8 ½ month pregnant woman is not seen as the compliment that I intended it to be."

FYI:

There is NOTHING you can say to an 8 & 1/2 month pregnant woman that she will take as a compliment....

Dottie said...

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there... Look what ya gone and did. Now I have the song on my brain. I'll probably be singing it the rest of the day. :)