Monday, January 28, 2008

I Know Where He’s Going To End Up…

The AP reported that a burglar in Texas made off with some special booty recently. Was he a pirate? No, I just felt like typing the word booty. The thief broke into a car only to find the local Bishop’s crown sitting there just waiting for him. And yes, for the record, he stole it.

Now, I imagine there are two sides (one good, one bad) to stealing an important accessory from a religious figure. On the positive side, you (as a burglar) have that whole Judeo-Christian ‘forgiveness’ thing working for you. I suppose that means you can parade around for a week or two with the crown, take pictures with it, let your dog wear it, put it on the dashboard, get all Bishopy with the spouse, reenact a chess game using real people, wear it for your league night down at the bowling alley, wear it to the Lakers game so you get on the jumbo-screen or teach your cat to jump through it. And then after all that, you can return it quietly and anonymously guilt-free, knowing that you are forgiven.

The downside of course is that you have STOLEN A BISHOP’S CROWN. Man, is Karma gonna kick your backside for that one. Yeah, hopefully all the great times you had and pics you snapped were worth being Karma’s bitch. To stay on the safe side though, I wouldn’t drive for a few weeks, chop anything in the kitchen anytime soon, or handle everyday objects with pointed ends like pencils, pens, forks, ice picks or lawn darts. Since Karma can strike anytime and anywhere, I would also be leery of listening to the radio while in the bathtub or blow drying your hair while bathing. The same goes for handling raw meat in the middle of the forest. Safety is paramount here. I mean why place yourself in harm’s way when you know karma is waiting around the corner.

According to the story, the worst part of the crown theft (or to put it in biblical terms- the stealing of the crown) was that when at a church service, he was the only churchy person without a head covering. How horrible to have achieved a ranking that lets you wear a crown and you have to appear in public without it, while everyone else has one. Let’s just hope that bishops are kinder than school kids because if they aren’t, imagine the peer pressure and heckling when you show up without your head gear. It would be a lot like the time I came to work an hour later than when our staff meeting started. OK, I’ll be honest: it’s a lot like the TIMES I came to work an hour later…

Is there a moral (or parable) to this story of the evil man who stole the Holy Crown? Is there something to be gleaned from the thief’s horrible and detestable actions that can benefit men and women everywhere with evil in their hearts? Is there salvation at hand for those who choose to give up their deceitful ways?

Probably not. Seriously, we don’t even know yet how this story ends. But I can tell you this: if you happen to be perusing E-bay later this week and come across an actual Bishop’s crown that is not a replica, you’d better steer clear. But then again, if you are searching E-bay for a Holy Crown, then you deserve what you’ve got coming to you. Nah, I’m just kidding. How do you think I got the Archbishop’s staff I have hanging next to my deer antlers over my Dale Earnhardt portrait on velvet out in the garage?

9 comments:

brandy said...

I heard about this story too and the only thought I could muster was 'what the hell is wrong with people?'. Steal something that doesn't have such karmic consequences. Why didn't this guy just go ahead and steal the Pope's ring? Oy.

Patti said...

"get all Bishopy with the spouse" - I love it. very funny

How do you come up with this stuff?

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

The Catholic Church isn't known for being the brightest bunch...but come on...who would honestly leave as Holy Crown in a car?

Michael C said...

Bran: I did a post last year about how the new Pope's ring kept falling off so they had to resize it. Does this thief has NO sense of guilt. A big shiny stolen religious crown would be such a guilt trip!!

Patti: To answer your question: head trauma. Lots and lots of head trauma. I had always hoped it wasn't noticeable ;-)

Silver: Yeah, a big crown, probably left on the front seat, all shiny and stuff. Not the brightest station of the cross, is it?

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant wait to see the Karma return on this one.

Michael C said...

Meleah: Yeah, I'm in pretty big trouble...
;-)

Selma said...

I can picture the thief right now wearing a long overcoat and a furtive look. He does that sideways nod that people who have fake Rolex's pinned to the insides of their overcoats do and says: "Hey, buddy, wanna buy a crown?" Then he promptly bursts into flames. It's gonna happen for sure. HaHa. Great story!

chefmom said...

"he was the only churchy person without a head covering." That has to be the funniest line ever. I'm using it.....churchy people...I like the sound of it!!
What on earth would possese someone to steal a crown?!

FRIGGA said...

"The same goes for handling raw meat in the middle of the forest." Hahahahaha

Dude - great post! :-)