Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sunday Repost: Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’

10 comments:

Patti said...

How on Earth did you weave a reference to Liberace - or at least his estate - into a post about Santa and flying reindeer and the North Pole? That's creative.

You've inspired me to weave Hildegarde into a future post.

selmainthecity said...

I blame Al Gore. Seems the truth about reindeer mutation wasn't inconvenient enough to mention in his doco. And I believe they get reindeer to fly the same way they do pigs....
You are an absolute classic. One of the best writers in the blogosphere, that's for sure. Thanks for such a great laugh!

Lis said...

When I was seven, I came across this newspaper article about a mutant pig with eight legs. There was a picture of the pig. I was so traumatised I cried for days!

chefmom said...

You really are an amzingly creative writer! I could NOT stop laughing! The Acme ice company, LIberace...And sending Santa to Gitmo or abu Grahib...! How do you come up with this stuff? LOL!

Odat said...

So...are you saying that Rudolph is a mutant? OMG!
Peace

meleah rebeccah said...

Dood! I cant. You are killing me.

This part sounded like it could have been written for the satire magazine The Onion:

"‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added."

HA HA HA HA HA HA

Tink said...

ROFLOL.... (I am not even going to try and be pithy and entertaining after reading the various comments)

La Sapphire Fliteur said...

Oh my goodness, it’s the effects of global warming! They probably are just not getting the right food anymore up there, its probably all artificial hormone filled stuff, I am terribly upset over all of this! I need to go and lie down now!

Patti said...

I just tagged you. It's an easy meme, modified and everything.

kat said...

In a related story.... this just in: you are clinically insane!