I Bet It Will Be A Very Animated Testimony

I love reading AP stories. Where else could I have read about the fact that an Italian court ordered Mickey Mouse, Donald and Daisy Duck and Tweety to testify in a case about counterfeiting. The story says that a clerical error listed them as witnesses in the counterfeiting case in which their likenesses were counterfeited. But who really cares about the boring lawyer-y details, it gave me something to write about today.

I have to admit that Tweety, Mickey and his friends aren’t the first animated characters I would expect to need to be in court. Have you ever watched Tom and Jerry? Those two are downright homicidal maniacs and I can’t believe they have not yet been brought up on manslaughter charges. I also figured I would have seen Fred Flintstone long before now. His working conditions are appalling. I mean just to be able to check into work, he has to climb down the back of a dinosaur. I don’t know what it’s like where you come from, but that is most certainly NOT a safe workplace practice. Plus, with all that stone and dust around, it has to be bad on the lungs. And he can’t even wear pants or shoes to protect himself. It just smacks of a class action suit against Mr. Slate. Maybe Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law (who I just learned about while doing research for this post...seriously, you think I make all this stuff up?) would want to take the case.

I’m equally surprised that the Justice League hasn’t had to testify in their own defense after being accused of discrimination in their hiring practices. Think about it for a second. Can you think of ONE person employed in the Halls of Justice who isn’t a superhero or who does not possess some extraordinary super skill? Perhaps the closest would be Aquaman, who as best as I can remember was just a good swimmer. But he wore that orange and green outfit so he was seen as an equal. The Justice League has no normal, mild-mannered secretary, no receptionist whose only superpower is disarming salesmen with her feminine mystique, no janitor, no payroll clerk, no accountant. Just Batman’s Robin. But again, he was ‘grandfathered’ in because he was Bruce Wayne’s ward. If I was a cartoon character looking for a quick buck, I would apply for a job with the Justice League and then sue for discrimination after they wouldn’t hire me. Come on, I have a metal valve in my heart that ticks like a clock. Surely that’s more impressive than anything the ‘boy wonder’ can do. Stupid Robin and his holy ‘quick, let’s use our utility belts, which serve as a crutch because we have no real powers like The Wonder Twins do…’

Sorry, Robin really gets to me sometimes. I’ll try to keep it in check. And what about Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer? He isn’t allowed to play ANY reindeer games. Not even hopscotch or elf tossing. Just try getting away with that in any United States School District. Man, lawyers would be all over that so quickly. And it’s all because his nose glows. Yes Virginia, this is another classic case of discrimination. When Rudolph is done with North Pole, Inc., he won’t need to go around hauling sleighs for a long, long time.

And while I don’t like to engage in rumors and gossip, I hear that Chip and Dale are suing Alvin, Simon and Theodore for stealing their chipmunk voices. Although keep in mind that Chip and Dale have a litigious fetish and once tried to sue me from telling dirty jokes while impersonating their voices as I was hopped up on helium and Mountain Dew. We settled out of court. Way out of court. It’s similar to ‘off-Broadway.’

I’m also pretty sure that the entire town of Springfield could bring a case against either Bart or Homer (take your pick). And who isn’t surprised that Ned Flanders hasn’t sued anyone for being unfriendly to left handed people. Remember how is left-handed store failed so miserably? If Ned was smart though, he’d open a Chick-Fil-A franchise and Rod and Todd’s financial futures would be secured. Barney could sue Moe’s Tavern for contributing to his drunkenness, which is the equivalent of the old lady suing McDonalds after spilling hot coffee on herself.

There are many more examples that I am too lazy to cannot think of (although I am sure you will help me), but the most egregious cartoon case would involve Popeye. No, not because of the physical violence brought about by his steroid spinach doping consumption, but because of Wimpy. Has Wimpy EVER, even just once, paid for a single hamburger? J. Wellington Wimpy goes around making a verbal agreement to gladly pay Tuesday for a hamburger today and has yet to honor it. That’s a lot of Tuesdays. Now granted I cannot remember who exactly he owes this burger money to, but someone out there has about 70 years of back hamburger payments that they are entitled to. And I haven’t even factored in the interest yet.

And didn’t The Jackson 5 have a cartoon for a little while? Yeah, we should all get to sue over that one.


***Sorry everybody for not responding to the comments you took the time to leave for the last post. Blogger 'forgot' to email me when most of your comments were left and I just noticed that I had some. So thank you and sorry. I'm telling the truth this time, I swear!!