Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Christmas Is Not Only Getting Too Commercial, It’s Getting Too Violent

That’s one of my favorite quotes from a Charlie Brown Christmas. Of course it was uttered by Linus facing an assault from his sister, but it applies nonetheless. I read 3 different news stories this morning that make me think the holidays are getting out of hand.

Will Feeling Up The Big Guy Guarantee You A Spot On The Nice List?
According to the AP, a 33 year-old lady in Connecticut is sure hoping so. She was accused of groping her local mall’s Santa. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume she was tugging at more than Santa’s beard. I am also trying really hard to avoid describing Santa’s manitalia as ‘Jingle Bells,’ although you can just imagine how rosy his cheeks were when they were rung. Oops. Hey Santa, is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

You have to wonder if this was part of a dare or if the lady was overcome with the spirit of the holiday season. She’s 33 and the mall Santa is 65, so I guess if you’re looking for an older sugar daddy you can’t do much better than Santa. Even if he does turn around and dress as the Easter Bunny in April. I just feel bad for all the other kids who didn’t get to sit with Santa that day because of what the groper did, now that Santa’s lap is a crime scene and all. The Santa who was groped was reportedly very upset with his female harasser. Apparently he kept calling her a ‘Ho’ over and over again…

I Guess He Should Have Taken His Sleigh
Remind me to avoid going to Rio De Janeiro any time soon. Reuters reported that a helicopter carrying Santa was shot at in Rio as he flew over slums that are the home to drug traffickers. The helicopter actually had to return to its base because of bullet holes. It was discovered later that the drug traffickers shot at the helicopter because they thought it was a police chopper. Well, that’s ok then.

I mean heaven forbid we shoot at Santa, but if it’s the fuzz, then it’s acceptable. I doubt that dressing up as Santa pays very well, but hopefully in Rio it earns you hazard pay. So, if you are keeping score, dressing up as Santa at Christmastime puts you at risk of being sexually assaulted and becoming a murder victim. I think Britney Spears has better odds being elected to the United States Senate than a Santa does of making it through Christmas intact. I blame the yuletide cheer. Admit it, EVERYBODY hates being around someone who seems TOO happy. Come on, you know you feel the same way. Lost here is the fact that the Santa being choppered over Rio was going to be passing out little plastic bags of white magic ‘candy cane dust.’ Ok, I made that up.

Why No Virginia, Reindeer Can’t Fly
I don’t mean to dash the hopes of kids from 1 to 92, but kids no longer need to wait up to see if reindeer know how to fly. The AP ran a story today detailing this in no uncertain terms. It seems a deer went through the picture window of a Maryland home. It damaged curtains and the couch before being subdued by the homeowner. While there were no specific details of how the homeowner was able to ‘subdue’ the frightened deer who crash landed through the window of the home, we do know that venison has coincidentally been added to the family’s Christmas dinner.

And speaking of reindeer (and really bad segues), I was at Disneyland the other day and saw what the Happiest Place on Earth was insisting were reindeer and they looked more like small moose (or mooses or perhaps meese?) with antlers. To be honest, I’m surprised they could even jump through a window, let alone fly. But then the Mary Poppins I posed with looked more like Marie Osmond than Julie Andrews. And the smell sure left a lot to be desired. I mean the smell of the reindeer, Mary Poppins wouldn’t let me get close enough to sniff her.

17 comments:

chefmom said...

I am thoroughly surprised that Mary POppins wouldn't let you smell her! OKay, so I am 33 and couldn't even begin to imagine groping a mall santa. Maybe kicking him in the Jingle bells, if he tried to grope me though....lol

Patti said...

I'm no longer 33 so you can rest assured, Michael, that I am not the Connecticut woman who is a Santa groper.
The DJ on the local station said Santa was groped ... long pause ... in the Danbury Fair Mall. ho ho ho

No surprise that reindeer would be malodorous.
I think you need a part-time job at Disneyland. You seem to spend a good amount of time there. ;-)

*~*Cece*~* said...

I wonder what was going through the mind of that 33 year old lady? Now they're going to get all PC about Santa too and set an age limit as to who can sit on his lap.

chefmom said...

Yes, my sister read somewhere that local Santas are no longer allowed to say Ho, Ho, HO. What else is there to say??? Hi Ho Hi HO, it's off to work I go? Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle? Eeny, meeny miney mo? ON dasher, on dancer, on prancer and vixen, on comet, on cupid, on donner and blitzen. dash away, dash away, dash away all, Here's you little plastic bags of candy cane dust from the mall?????

Michael C said...

Chefmom: It's a low point when one needs to feel up Santa...

Patti: I don't think I could work there. I don't have enough patience.

Cece: Yep, they will impose an age limit for Santa's lap. I wonder what that age would be? 10, 12, 16?

Chefmom: I saw the no-ho story. Your rhyme should be a Christmas Classic! Well done!!

meleah rebeccah said...

I read the same female santa assaulter article...shocking...

however..."now that Santa’s lap is a crime scene and all" cracked me up.

As far as "I mean heaven forbid we shoot at Santa, but if it’s the fuzz, then it’s acceptable." I think I have to agree with the drug traffic people..yanno, so they dont shoot me.

For the rest of the season when I am in a bad mood or anything else goes wrong, I am blaming the yuletide cheer....hell, I am blaming the yuletide cheer on everything until January.

Lis said...

Scary days to be Santa.

Odat said...

OMG, what's this world coming to???
lol....Whadda mean, reindeer can't fly??????? ;-(
Peace

kat said...

In my line of work, I happen to know a couple of dress-up Santas. I would imagine that this particular Santa is not the kind of Santa I know. This kind of Santa probably actually LIKES being Santa and probably takes his job very seriously. He is probably also a virgin.

The Santas I know would've been much more receptive to this woman and probably would've shown her their candy canes.

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Anonymous said...

I hope that lady was on the sauce, cuz mall santas are scary and smell like kiddie pee.

Franki

CS said...

I read that only female reindeer keep their antlers during winter, which means all those reindeer puling Santa's sleigh in kids' books will need to be re-named.

Dr. A said...

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Tink said...

Bah Humbug (to carry on the time-honored tradition of my father). have a wonderful Christmas.

Ladytink_534 said...

Lol! I saw a Santa last night and he was all Christmased out. I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said for it to be over!

Selma said...

Poor Santa. But he has to understand it's a deep-seated Freudian thing. What thirtysomething woman isn't turned on by men with long beards ? Santa, Dumbledore, Gandalf, the guys from ZZ Top - they don't stand a chance. I mean, in this day and age Santa is a real catch - generous, kind, loved by millions of children, self-employed with his own fleet of reindeer - who wouldn't be tempted to grope him?

FRIGGA said...

It takes a truely talented blogger to end a post with "Mary Poppins wouldn’t let me get close enough to sniff her."

:D