Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Random Tuesday

It’s time again to uncork the pressure release valve on my mind and let all the miscellaneous, trivial and useless things that have occurred to me over the last few weeks (but that I can’t say to the people around me) out so that I do not explode. I’ve seen the Zapruder film and let me tell you, exploding heads are NOT pleasant.

* I really hope that I get to meet Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams from LaVerne and Shirley one day so that I don’t waste this line I’ve been working on. First I’ll say ‘well, we live and Laverne, I guess’ (instead of live and learn) and then when they say something in response, I’ll react by saying ‘Shirley, you can’t be serious.’ I’m also working on one when and if I ever meet Jim Neighbors, but inserting the word ‘Shazaam’ into a sentence is harder than I had previously imagined.

* The world would be a much better place if we all could just learn to get along. And leave me the heck alone when I am at my desk eating instant grits at 8:30 in the morning. The nerve of some people!

* No matter how obvious it is, never, ever tell a female coworker who has lost a lot of weight that you can really see the results of her weight loss when you are standing behind her. It may seem like a nice and thoughtful compliment, but I can assure you that it won’t be taken that way. Oh well, ‘hind’ sight is 20/20 I guess.

* Using GPS touch screen navigation systems (Christmas came early for me) work great…provided you enter the correct address. Too bad my employer doesn’t reimburse the miles I rack up drive in error while lost.

* Never invite your 5 year-old who can’t sleep because she vomited in bed to sleep with you. Apparently, the odds are quite high that she will vomit again…as soon as you fall asleep and are helpless to prevent it.

* How is it that adding a second dog to your backyard somehow increases the amount of ‘doggy bombs’ 5 times over? The math just doesn’t add up, but the bottoms of my shoes prove otherwise.

* When wearing a snowman neck tie, why is it that all the women compliment it and all the men in the office snicker? I’m choosing to assume it’s jealousy.

* I bought Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade cookbook based on her Semi-Homemade Food Network show. I found it to be neither semi-quick nor semi-easy. Unfortunately, I can only get a semi-refund of what I paid for it. Now I’m semi-pissed.

* Does egg-nog count as a dairy product?

* Never tell your boss that you’re just killing time ‘til 5 comes around.

* Just because you have always craved the idea that Coke and egg-nog would go good together doesn’t mean that it actually does. It’s also a very difficult taste to get out of your mouth.

* Since when did wearing a ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas T-shirt’ become uncool?

* It turns out you can decorate the office on a budget with decorations only purchased at the 99 cent store. And yes, it will look like crap.

* My birthday is next Monday. No, there is nothing random about that, I just wanted to make sure you knew.

16 comments:

Valerie said...

We women love getting compliments. However, the "Oh my God you've lost so much weight!" compliment is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, she may think it's great that you are commending her efforts to get healthy and look good. On the other hand, she may think, "Did I need to lose THAT much weight to begin with?" A word to the wise: Next time, just tell her she looks great (in a non-creepy way, obviously), and leave it at that ;)

Oh, and GPS systems? The. Shit. I have one under my tree. I can't wait to go somewhere and use it.

Lis said...

I think if a guy tells me I've lost a lot of weight, the first thing I'll check is if my boobs shrank. Can't really afford any shrinkage there!

Put up a picture of your snowmen neck tie!

AndreAnna said...

You got another pooch? I'd be jealous except with a toddler and baby on the way, my sanity is already stretched thin and I think one more thing might send me over the edge.

When we had our dog, we hired a poop cleaning service in our area called When Doody Calls, and for 10$/week, they came and cleaned up the poop for me. Was fantastic!

And egg nog is definitely a dairy product, and an artery clogger, so be careful!

FRIGGA said...

Egg nog doesn't mix well with coke, who woulda thunk? But now I'm wondering - because folks have done the deep fried coke thing... How about deep fried egg nog? Hey, I don't suppose that deep fryer you've been wanting has made it's way under your tree? :-0...

chefmom said...

Eggnog counts as a dairy product as long as it has fresh whipped cream folded into it, and has rum in it. Tops the diary intake chart.
I would have to think that having the 5 year old in the bed was a quick lesson learned. Coke and eggnog? Never would have thought about mixing the 2....not anything like a NYC eggcream hunh? I look forward to wishing you a Happy B-day :)

Natalie said...

Coke and eggnog sounds as if it would congeal and I can't believe you tried it.

Patti said...

Can we start wishing you a Happy Birthday early, just for fun?
Or do we have to wait 'til the real day?
A fellow Capricorn needs to know.

;-)

Patti said...

P.S. Still waiting for The Reagan and You photo.
And egg nog is definitely a dairy product. There must be milk in it, right?

meleah rebeccah said...

"Never invite your 5 year-old who can’t sleep because she vomited in bed to sleep with you. Apparently, the odds are quite high that she will vomit again…as soon as you fall asleep and are helpless to prevent it."

Been there done that. Ugh. (glad those days are over for me)

Hope she feels better soon.


ps...I am all about your birthday!

Ralph said...

The dollar store decorations might look crappy, but hey, it's the thought that counts!

Maybe the 'doggie bombs' will make real grass grow in the desert...

As for guys not asking for directions, who would've thought that GPS nav systems could make you even more lost?

Odat said...

You do know that your reference to the Zapruder film and exploding heads was bad, doncha? ;-)

Aw another dog? Name please and does it get along with Mabel?

I love a man in a Christmas tie! lol.

Peace

Patti said...

Yes, what is dog #2's name?

abbersnail said...

As always, you crack me up. I recently had a (very pregnant) coworker tell me that she can tell I'm in a good relationship because I'm getting fatter.

Awesome.

kat said...

I agree with Chefmom. Eggnog totally counts as dairy. It just needs a little more cream.

And I can't stand picking up DOG vomit. I imagine HUMAN vomit is a billion times work. Good luck on that.

Tink said...

ROFL... and it is Jim Nabors (not Neighbors) and he has a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii now.

And as for a 5 year vomiting. Be glad that it was at home and not out, like at the doctor's office where neither of you have a change of clothes.

Tink said...

ROFL... and it is Jim Nabors (not Neighbors) and he has a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii now.

And as for a 5 year vomiting. Be glad that it was at home and not out, like at the doctor's office where neither of you have a change of clothes.