Got The Good Candy Ready??

Today is Halloween, unless I am not paying attention like I did a few years ago, only to realize on my way to work that it wasn’t Halloween like I had thought it was. Fortunately, I do not dress up for the holiday because that would have made for a really awkward workday. For some reason, thinking about Halloween makes me reflect on all of the Halloweens that have passed and the current ghoulish state of things. It makes me think of candy and Elvira. I guess you could say both are, uh, ‘bountiful’ this time of year. Halloween also makes me think of Easter and doctors who deliver babies and gynecologists, but that’s my own problem. I will admit that I think of the last two items while gutting pumpkins before carving them.

A lot has changed since the Halloweens I celebrated as a kid. Change is inevitable, but wouldn’t it be nice if something changed and it actually ended up being better than the way it used to be. OK, maybe patients who had gastric bypass surgery are the exception to this and I’m sure there are many husbands of wives who’ve had breast augmentations that will argue with me, but that’s not really what I’m trying to get at.

Boy the dress up part of the holiday sure has changed. I remember last year at a Halloween pumpkin carving night at Lucy and Ethel’s school. Now granted it was a preschool last year, but no one was wearing a costume that really stood out or could even be considered scary or on the edge. Again, it was preschool, but let’s ignore that part for the sake of my story. Sure, I saw a Darth Vader or two, but even those gave the impression of the watered down just about to betray the Emperor-tell Luke how much he loves him-take off my helmet so I can see you with my real eyes-type of Darth Vader. I may have seen a Batman, but I’ll just say that if I were the Joker I wouldn’t be too worried when I saw the Bat Light appear overhead. Pretty bland stuff. I know, I know, it was preschool, but we have to ignore that part or I’ll just sound like a rambling idiot.

When I was in elementary school, I showed up wearing my rubber Frankenstein mask and I got to leave it on all day. When my name was called during roll call, I said my muffled ‘here’ through my mask and no one asked any questions. We could go through the entire school day and never see our friends’ faces. That doesn’t happen today and if it did, there’s no telling who would be hiding behind that mask. In high school, I can remember my friends showing up dressed as pimps and they weren’t even asked to go home and change until after lunch. That’s like half a day. They wouldn’t be allowed on campus today! What did I go as? My sophomore year was David Letterman (Quick Halloween Tip: Don’t use black crayon to make it appear that you have a gap in your teeth) and my senior year my friends and I went as the Secret Service. If only we had remembered to all wear the same color suits and had not spent so much time trying to handcuff our girlfriends to us…

The whole trick-or-treat racket has really changed too. Our neighborhood used to be the one where people drove to so that their kids could get the good candy and go door-to-door in complete safety. Nowadays they drive to other areas of town. My neighbors are hoping I won’t stand out in the driveway as I did last year waving my green glow-stick yelling ‘what’s wrong with our street? I’ve got Almond Joys this year! Come by and I’ll give you two of them!” Apparently, that type of action gets you labeled as “the crazy guy that lives in the house at the end of the street.’ And really, let’s be honest folks; that’s a pretty crappy label. Do the twins get to go trick-or-treating in our neighborhood you ask? Of course not! Are your crazy? Unlike everyone else, we have a good excuse though. We know a few people who live on the new side of town, so we have a legitimate reason to engage in ‘trick-or-treat traveling.’ I know what you are thinking, but that is SO different than what all the other people are doing by driving to the good neighborhoods.

Speaking of Almond Joys (yes, product integration streak still intact), have you noticed the class system of give outs on Halloween now? The folks that try to be good and hand out pencils, stickers and erasers are looked down upon and are usually the first ones retaliated against by kids who want nothing but chocolate goodness. The folks that give out M & Ms and Hershey bars are seen as middle of the road and middle class while those that give out Mounds, Almond Joys and the harder to get Charleston Chews and stuff like that are the most popular houses. Those are the houses where I usually ask for a piece or two for Lucy and Ethel’s baby sister who doesn’t exist. I’M KIDDING, I’M KIDDING!!! I have noticed that word gets around pretty quickly when there’s a house on the block giving out the good stuff. It sure beats Charlie Brown getting a rock!Even our office is watered down for Halloween this year. It’s a Disney theme, which of course helps ensure that everyone will be dressed nice and respectable. That conjures up lots of Snow Whites, Sleeping Beauties, Mickey Mouses and hopefully a Mary Poppins or two (is it so wrong that I find her hot). Although…you know, Splash was technically a Disney movie, wasn’t it. I doubt I’ll get to see someone dressed as Darryl Hannah’s mermaid though.

Oh well, Happy Halloween and have fun cleaning up all the smashed pumpkins in the middle of your yard or street tomorrow morning. I’ll be spending my evening (until at least 4AM) in the most sincere pumpkin patch I can find waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive. As Linus says, it won’t be long now…



By the way, I just read that Robert Goulet has passed. I'd call for a moment of silence, but I think we should all salute him with our finest baritone voices while singing 'You've Got A Friend In Me' from the end of Toy Story 2. I mean, ya know, if you were looking for a way to remember and pay respects to him and all...