Can The Perfect Post Be Written?

This is a question I have been asking myself for almost a year and a half now. Many people strive for perfection so the perfect post would be a goal for some. I know I’ve touched on this topic before, but perfection sorta freaks me out. If I achieve perfection, then I’m done. There is nothing more to strive for. Plus people will expect more of me because the bar has been raised and I’ve gotten pretty cozy in my own little space here, so why would I want to disrupt that. It’s like the baby that’s comfortable in the womb and then it’s forced out into the bright, cold sterilized world of the delivery room, or taxicab if mommy didn’t get to the hospital in time.

What am I getting at here? I am debating whether or not I should try to write the perfect post. Don’t fear, it certainly won’t be done with this post, but maybe some future post. What would the ultimate perfect post contain? I think I’ve blogged about it before but my definition of the perfect post has probably changed in the last several months. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to explore the elements of the perfect post again as long as I don’t accidentally write the perfect post. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with post postulating, right? Just promise me you won’t steal my ideas. Although if you do it’s not like I’m going to have the time to chase you down or anything so just give me credit or feel free to link to me. If you don’t, no biggie.

While it’s very important what the perfect post contains, it is probably more important what the perfect post makes the reader feel. It really doesn’t do me any good to sit here and declare a particular post as being perfect, that’s up to the reader to decide. The perfect post should contain things that the reader can identify with. Moving the reader to tears wouldn’t hurt either. A bit of laughing would be nice as would a possible freebie or other call to action. Pop culture references also are a big hit. Then again, so is nudity. However, there will not be nudity here. Well, I guess I could put up a picture of Donald Duck or Porky Pig without their pants on, but then they never wear pants so the shock feature might be somewhat understated.

To address everything I have just mentioned, minus the nudity, here is what I would put in the perfect post. But remember, the perfect post is a life altering achievement and should not be attempted lighthearted or lackadaisically. Oh, that’s another thing, the post should contain big words like lackadaisical and totalitarian. Big words are intimidating and impressive. There is one thing that gets a lot of people excited. Ok, not that. I mean food. Therefore, the perfect post should mention really good, but non-controversial food. Cheese, fried things, meat, lobster and desserts all come to mind. Fortunately I recently was treated to something that addresses 4 of the 5 major food groups I just listed. It’s called the Monte Cristo sandwich and is nothing more than a deep-fried turkey, ham and cheese sandwich served with powdered sugar because powdered sugar makes everything taste better. Yes, the perfect post would mention the Monte Cristo sandwich. The unforeseen benefit of this is that Monte Cristo is so fun to say. I feel like I should be wearing a cape while sitting overlooking the beach while saying it.

The perfect post should also contain something that readers don’t see coming, like an improbable pairing. This could be a combination of people, places or things. An example of this would be Osama Bin Laden and Bishop Desmund Tutu or Mussolini and Gandhi. Fred Flintstone and George Jefferson never made sense. I mean seriously people, think of how many centuries apart they both are. That just can’t happen, so it’s perfect! Then there’s World Hot Dog Eating Champ Joey Chesnutt and Jenny Craig. Or how about Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton as partners while playing a game of Bridge.

You could also compare the Island of Cuba to Disneyland. Not that I believe in conspiracy theories, but I know deep down in my soul that as soon as Castro dies, Disney is planning on taking over the island to create their next resort destination, Disney Cuba. They’ll have the Bay of The Three Little Pigs, Havana Smoothies and Candy Cuban Cigars with Mickey’s face on the wrapper. Visitors will also get to try out the exciting new ride ‘Soviet Blockade’ located in Missile Crisis Land. I’m personally looking forward to getting the Castro Green Military hat with Mickey Mouse ears attached. Hopefully they’ll stencil the words ‘El Generalissimo’ on it for me. Of course, I don’t believe in conspiracies, but I’m just saying…

The next key item for the perfect post is something that will invoke a strong emotion in the reader. The two best ways to do this are actually two completely different emotions. I am speaking of course about humor and sadness. Of course you can cheat and combine the two, which would be describing someone being struck in the testicular area, or what I call the ‘Genital To Gelatin’ effect, but that’s too easy. There are many forms of humor and sadness, so I’ll let you come up with that. Let me stress here however, that walking into things is my bit, so don’t steal it. Also, stay away from sad stories involving baby animals. It’s just too sad and most readers won’t be able to finish your post. Mother-in-laws are still very much in play though, as are men wearing plaid shorts and long socks.

Ok, there you have it; the contents of what I believe would constitute the perfect post. Now let’s review. I will provide you with two synopses of posts. One would be the perfect post and one would not, you decide.

1. A post that mentions mermaids eating shellfish while on a bus ride through the desert to Las Vegas. On the way, the bus breaks down and the driver gets out to determine what is wrong. He strays too far into oncoming traffic and is just barely clipped by an old lady who can barely see over the dash while driving an Edsel. He tumbles in the air and lands in a cactus, but his rear-end cushions the fall. She drives off mumbling something about fixing all the potholes in the road.

2. A man is making a quilt for his wife for their anniversary. The panels of the quilt will contain memorable scenes and mementoes from their life together like pimento olives and Mentos mints. While sewing the quilt, the phone rings and in his effort to answer it, he gets his pant leg stuck in the sewing machine. It’s his wife saying that she is on her way home with her mother-in-law. He gets up, drags the sewing machine and quilt with him to the kitchen so that he can cut the pant leg and free himself. Unfortunately he catches the leg of the flimsy fish tank stand that his wife has told him 100 times to fix and it comes crashing down. He manages to dry up the mess and get his wife’s prized baby angelfish into a cup on the counter and then runs to the bedroom to cut himself from the sewing machine and his put on a new pair of pants. When he walks back out, he is horrified to see that his mother-in-law has finished drinking the entire cup of water that held the fish and the fish is nowhere in sight, but the mother-in-law is complaining about how bad the water filtration in their city is because the water has a fishy odor to it.

Now, which one is the perfect post? It is obviously #1. Why? Because the man in post 2 would never ever quilt anything for his wife. Actually, he wouldn’t be horrified to see his mother-in-law drink from a cup filled with fish tank water and small fish either….

Ok, there you have it; the elements that I think would make the perfect post. If you choose to attempt the challenge of writing the perfect post, please let me know. I’ll be very anxious to steal read it. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, perfection is a heavy burden and big responsibility.

****I have recorded a new podcast. Warning, it is the lamest podcast ever, but since I spent 16 minutes of my life to create it, I'm hoping you can spend 16 minutes of your life (or 5) to listen. Please??****

Update: The podcast does not appear to be playing correctly when it streams, but if you download it and play it, it looks like it plays fine...