Driving Efficiently, Not Smartly

Uh, 30 Rock and the Office were on. Hence the repost. I hope I shall be forgiven. I think. I'm kinda tired...

I read an interesting Reuters story online this morning while driving into work. The story caught my attention since I just wrote about drivers who don’t pay attention to what their satellite navigation systems are telling them to do. This story says that a survey was recently released showing that 81 percent of our fellow Americans (but it’s certainly not any of us reading or writing this) perform other tasks while driving. While I tend to view it as driving efficiently, others view it as not exactly the safest of driving practices.

The study by Nationwide Mutual Insurance says that drivers eat, mess with their music, do makeup, shave, exchange seats with other passengers, watch movies and yes – nurse their children while driving. Although in the case of the baby nurser, I don’t know how much driving they’d actually be doing. That’s downright illegal, I think. If you are nursing a child while driving then you either have amazing bodily contortion, stretching ability (of which I do not wish to further discuss) or you’ve taken the child out of their car seat, and they are stretched across your lap in the front seat. If that mom (I don’t think I have to state why I know it’s a mom and not a dad for obvious reasons) has to slam on the brakes, that’ll sadly be her baby’s last supper. It’s ‘utterly’ wrong…sorry.

Doing the other stuff while driving is certainly not bright, but we all know it happens every day. Here in Southern California, I’m not sure that efficient driving (my term only) is that dangerous for the simple fact that most of us get onto our lovely congested highways and never get into third gear, provided we’re lucky enough to get into second. If you are a regular participant in the hell that is known as commuting (defined as driving two-hours one way over a distance that should only take 30 minutes), then you could easily set up and play an entire game of Monopoly with a commuter in the lane next to you or a fellow passenger without every endangering yourselves. OK, I’m exaggerating. The game wouldn’t be monopoly; it would be Pictionary.

I don’t feel that American drivers should be accused of watching movies while driving. What did everyone expect when they started installing DVD players into our cars and SUVs in the first place? They probably don’t think we’re using our cup holders, moon roofs or seat warmers, either. I’ve tried to shave with my electric razor once, but it wasn’t a very close shave, so I won’t bother trying that again. I see ladies applying mascara all the time while driving. Do you know how tempting it is to pull up along side of them and gesture that they missed a spot? My only concern is that their insurance might find me at fault when they slam into the back of a minivan because they aren’t paying attention.

When I was younger, I only changed seats with other passengers while stopped at a red light. I feel so stupid that it never occurred to me that we could engage in that game while moving. I’ll have to try it because it sounds like a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it might take too long getting Lucy and Ethel out of their car seats to participate. Maybe I’ll grab the company’s carpool van for the day.

It appears that the things we’re most guilty of while driving would have to be eating or car stereo related. Why just last night coming home from dinner, I mastered the art of driving in the dark on the freeway in 50 mile per hour wind gusts while changing CDs on my stereo. I should also admit that I got extra style points since I had to bend down and pick up the six CDs I dropped while trying to do all of this. I’m proud to admit that I only swerved once and my tires only hit the lane’s reflector bumps; they never actually crossed into the other lane. Now try that at home.

Oops, green light. I gotta go…

It’s Time For Me To Rhyme

First off, days don’t get too much better than Wednesday. I ate at the always way too friendly Chick-Fil-A, found out my contacts are doing fine, wore my ‘More Cowbell’ t-shirt for the first time and had dinner at Rubios only to discover that LOBSTER burritos and tacos are back (for a limited time of course). While that would have been a great day by itself, it got even better. I FINALLY got my hands on the Limited Edition 3 Elvis Pez set (1970’s concert jumpsuit Elvis is my favorite) AND my friend The Laughorist paid up on our bet of whether his Giants or my Dodgers would do better. The non-winner (because loser just doesn’t apply here) had to write an ode about the winner’s team. It is beautifully written and can be found here. Ok enough of how great my day was. On to the post…

In my comments section yesterday, Odat wrote what I thought was the coolest poem. It has inspired me to try and flex my poetic muscles. Keep in mind that I am more Maya Rudolph than Maya Angelou and more Jack Frost than Robert Frost, but I have been told by Lucy and Ethel that I bust mad back to back rhymes when I am giving them a bath. Ok, I know -when will I learn to stop trying to use cool phrases like ‘busting mad rhymes?’ Well, here we go, please read them slow, because I want you to know each word that I am saying. And no, I’m not just playing. See, I’m already in prime form…

That’s what she said
This phrase is always in my head
It might mean that my thoughts are not always pure
But you can be sure
If you say something in my presence
I will definitely be trying to use TWSS in a sentence


I got on my new Ab Lounger XL to firm up my tummy
This is necessary because I like things (particularly meats and cheeses) that are yummy
I used it wrong
Now I fear that the only thing that will be strong
Is my back
Can that even have a 6-pack?


My new contact lenses tend to get blurry
When I blink it clears
So I don’t think I should worry
I tend to think
And I tend to blink
When I insert them
Then I end up trying to stick the shape of a burrito in my eye
This will probably result in a sty
Oh my


I like fried food
I have since the first time I saw it and chewed
It may not be good FOR me
But it tastes good TO me
I realize that the last phrase only rhymes because I used the same word twice
It’s ok if I acknowledge that, but if you do, it’s just not nice
Now I am craving rice


Now that I no longer wear prescription glasses
I can buy any pair of cool sunglasses
I just got a great pair
They even look good with my hair
But the best part of my new sunglasses
Is that it covers my eyes when I try to look at ladies’ fine, round…..uh, choice of business attire

Ok, I am done. That was kinda fun. Thanks for taking the time to read while I rhyme. Now I think I shall eat pie made of key-lime.
And to paraphrase Mike Meyers from my all-time favorite movie, ‘These Poems…Suck.’

Great Franchise Opportunity – Call Today!

I used to be my own boss. I owned my own freelance PR and copywriting business and miss the whole being in charge thing. You may not have picked this up from reading my blog, but I have trouble conforming to the big corporate thing. Now, if a certain fictional paper company wanted to hire me I’m sure things would be different…

Last night I may have discovered the key to my next self-employed career. It kinda crept up on me, but now I am pretty sure about it. It’s an amazing career opportunity and does not involve real estate with no money down or selling things in bottles. It doesn’t even involve gathering ostrich eggs to make ginormous frozen prepackaged omelets, although I am writing that idea down for later. What is this amazing business opportunity? It’s Fancy Ironing. It all began innocently enough when one of the prongs from my iron’s plug broke off inside the electrical outlet the other day. I have to admit that I got quite a charge when removing it with pair of pliers. It was shocking, really. All of that led to needing a new iron, but the fancy high-powered fabric steamer beckoned. Besides, it had a crease attachment, which means no more three crease pants, unless I’m feeling really edgy.

So I bought the fabric steamer with pole and hangar attachment. Now I can iron anything and everything and it’ll look professionally done! Now I can take in people’s ironing and make money while basically playing with the steamer. After all, I have been told countless times that I could do something more productive every Sunday than watching my NASCAR race for 4 hours (6 if I watch the pre-race show). Of course I TiVo the race and can watch it in about 2 hours if I’m feeling really saucy, but there is still a little time to do some work there. Now I can make money steam ironing other people’s clothes while watching my races. The nice part about this is that the usual burning of clothes I previously experienced while ironing during NASCAR is gone. I figure if I charge $30 per garment I should do pretty well. That’s a fair price, right? I can also do curtains, drapes and other words that describe cloth-like window coverings.

I am very excited about this new business opportunity. I haven’t settled on a name for the new company yet, but am kicking around Michael’s Fancy Ironings, Sultan of Steam, Iron-ic, Steamy McSteamerson and Henry Wrinkler’s. If I go with the Henry one, the logo will be an ironed leather jacket and a thumbs up. My administrative professional, who I have not hired yet but better look like The Office’s Pam Beasley, will answer the phone by saying ‘Aayyyy.’

I can envision a chain of these fancy steam ironing stores or maybe an inverted pyramid scheme to throw off the feds. Oh wait, if the pyramid is inverted, how am I going to make money? Perhaps I’ll sell franchise licenses instead and try to negotiate to get one into every Starbucks or CVS or Wal-Green’s pharmacy. Maybe I’ll do all three. Then I could literally have a Henry Wrinkler’s clothes-steaming store on every street corner with a stoplight in America. Wow, I’d be ‘movin’ on up,’ but I really don’t want a penthouse in the sky. I will take a summer place on Martha’s Vineyard though. And yes, I know that the Jeffersons owned a dry cleaning business, please cut me some slack. But, did you know that they were originally on and a spin-off of ‘All in the Family?’ OK, I feel like I have asserted my mental dominance and am back in charge now.

All of this just might work. Heck maybe I’ll make enough money to pay for the Ab-Lounger Ultra I’ll never use that I bought at the same time as the clothes-steamer. Ohhh, that reminds me, I should probably open the box and try the clothes-steamer out before I move forward with any of this. Boy would that have been awkward when the first customer showed up during the race on Saturday night. By the way, can you steam iron neckties? They tend to get a little wrinkled when worn backwards around the forehead…


Worthless item of the day: I don’t know if you listen to country music, but I just bought Sara Evans’ Greatest Hits. I looked at the back of the CD case to see what songs were on it and all I could say when I turned it over was ‘uhhhhhhhhhh.’ I bet the CD sells very, very well.

Ugh, With A Bullet

I have been having trouble thinking of blogging topics lately. I’d like to blame it on my new contacts or how beautiful the weather has been in So Cal or that Jeff Gordon won Sunday’s race or even on the fact that I haven’t had enough deep fried foods or melted cheese lately, but I fear those are not the reasons. Well, I fear YOU will not accept them as valid reasons. So, when inspiration fails to bite me in the arse, I result to bullet points. Random, poorly thought out bullet points…

* There is something wrong with living in Southern California when you actually reseed the yard in the Fall...and it grows.

* I live in Southern California, where it never rains. I mean that’s what they sing, so it must be true. How is it then that I have had the last 3 Fridays off and it has rained part of each one of those Fridays? Monday-Thursday? No rain. Saturday and Sunday? No rain. Go figure.

* I have this uh, friend and he made his ring tone Copacabana. How can he get his uh, coworkers to stop laughing at him whenever his cell phone rings? This is of course a hypothetical scenario only.

* Could I get fired for placing a limbo pole or stick (I’m not really sure which would be better) in the main hallway at work so that everyone who has to walk by will be required to limbo in order to get by? Imagine what it would do for moral. Although, some of my coworkers are not the most fit members of society, so imagine what it would do to our workman’s comp claims. Actually, that might be fun to watch too.

* Why does one of my favorite Jimmy Buffett songs, ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ make me crave ham? I worry I am missing the point. Although, MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This’ makes me crave kosher food, so I think I’m on target there.

* I often fear that if I were a pirate, I’d give the stolen booty back. Yes, the phrase ‘give the booty back’ makes me want to scream ‘That’s What She Said,’ but I’m trying to be good. But you know I am saying it in my head.

* If I were successful in getting bocce ball televised, would people watch? Would the viewership triple if the bocce balls were filled with explosives? I shall call it Boom Ball.

* Does the fact that I want to devote my next bullet point to a soap opera like ‘All My Children’ mean that I have run out of subjects to write about?

* In the hopes of becoming more respected in the office, I have taken to talking like Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock. Sadly, whenever I try it I end up hacking as if I’ve been smoking since 1954.

* Next time I am playing a Jimmy Buffett CD in the office, I need to make sure not to walk away when ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw’ is only a few songs away. It turns out some coworkers are actually offended by that lovely ballad.

* I want to run for charity. I also want to run a marathon AND a triathlon. Sadly, I have a lot of things that need to be watched on my TiVo list. The running will probably have to wait a while.

* If I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and I am a grown up, would I make a good career counselor? What does the resume for a career counselor look like? Would the more jobs they have held actually be a good thing?

* Is it worse to be a blog lurker – a blurker- or not to visit my favorite blogs at all? Yes, this is a not so cleverly hidden apology.

* Is it ok that the highlight of my day was buying a SNL t-shirt that says ‘More Cowbell!’?

Things I Learned This Week: 10/6/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that dinner at the buffet of an Indian Casino that prides itself on having 7 different cultural 'food stations' is not the place to go when on a diet. Perhaps it just isn't the place for a foodie to go - ever.

! I learned that a windy day is not the best day to try and mow the lawn when wearing the contacts I have only had for 3 days. The words panic and sandpaper are appropriate here.

! I learned that when I am wearing a 2 week heart monitor that prohibits me from wearing a tie and tucking in my shirt, I should lay low about it instead of walking through the office saying I don't have to dress up in an eerie sing -song way. This only attracts the boss' attention.

! I learned that when going to a real pumpkin patch with real dirt shortly after a rainstorm that sandals are probably not the best choice in foot wear.

! I learned that having my cellphone ringtone set to a medley of "That's What She Said's" from The Office that it only takes about 3 phone calls before Lucy and Ethel run around saying 'That's What She Said' everywhere they go. I will choose to worry when they begin using it correctly.

! I learned that a week without a Monte Cristo sandwich must be what it feels like to be in prison or not have satellite TV complete with TiVo. Ok, I realize that sounds a bit dramatic, but that is only because you have not tried one.

And lastly,

! I learned that whenever the twins decide to get into bed with us to wake us up in the morning that somehow they always end up putting all their weight on my 'manitalia.' And it hurts. It really, really hurts.

Repost Friday: Sing It Like You Stole It!

Unfortunately, this really isn't National Karaoke Week. This post is from April. I tried to come up with something original today, but the best I had concerned a guy putting up a new stop sign in our work parking lot and every time he stretched it was 'look at the big guy's ass crack' time. And if that's the best I could come up with, I figured it was time for a repost. Enjoy and have a great Friday!!!

For those of you who may not be aware, this week is National Karaoke Week. Oh, if only Sanjaya could have survived just one more week on American Idol. They may have honored him during the telecast or at the very least pretended he has the potential to maybe, possibly have talent. I will say this though, he has nice hair (and by nice I mean a lot), if that’s what you’re in to. But enough about Sanjaya, this is about celebrating National Karaoke Week!

I thought it would be nice to come into the office this morning while celebrating the week to get everyone excited about it. I put a smile on my face, tried to get my voice in tune, or on key or whatever it’s called and strolled into the office singing ‘Take This Job And Shove It,’ because it was the only song that came to mind. It was brought to my attention that it wasn’t the most appropriate tune for the workplace. I calmly explained that it is National Karaoke week and I was merely celebrating the holiday. Figuring that another song might erase the work faux pas I had committed, I started singing Eric Burden’s ‘We Gotta Get Outta This Place,’ as it’s a 60s rock anthem. Apparently singing about escape wasn’t appreciated either. Not to be stopped, I started singing a few bars of Johnny Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison Blues.’ Go figure that a prison tune isn’t acceptable at work either. Feeling defeated but not deterred, I walked away humming ‘I Fought The Law And The Law Won.’ Who would have guessed that management knew that one, too? I decided to celebrate by myself in my cubicle by singing ‘Escape (The Pina Colada Song).’ Since most people only know it as the Pina Colada Song and not by its real title, I got away with it. Happy Karaoke Week to me indeed.

While I am certainly no golden throat, I would like to think that I can carry a tune at least for a few minutes. I was born with a deep baritone/bass singing voice. OK, I wasn’t born with it, but it did show up after puberty. However, I have discovered over the years that there is not much space in this world for a boy that can only sing all the low notes for old Temptations’ songs like ‘Can’t Get Next To You’ and ‘Papa Was A Rolling Stone.’ It goes over great as a momentary laugh for friends and coworkers, but not as a paying gig. It also doesn’t work well in Karaoke as I stand silently waiting for the one line in each Temps song that I can handle. It’s kind of like the way Andy Kaufman used to perform the Mighty Mouse theme song on Saturday Night Live. Only when I do it, I’m not trying to get laughs.

As a former frequenter of the Karaoke scene, I have picked up on the songs that aren’t the best to perform publicly, especially in front of people that know you. The worst part is that I learned this from my own experience. Without a doubt, the first song on that list has to be ‘Copacabana’ by Barry Manilow. I can actually trace my failures with the fairer sex back to the first time I performed this song publicly. Notice I said the first time I performed it. I am a very slow learner. I did ‘Copacabana’ with a couple of my friends and we actually had choreography. We sounded like wounded Geese and apparently looked like them, too. Helpful tip: never do the ‘who shot who’ chorus with your finger pointed in the shape of a gun. It’s not cool, it’s not hip and anything that would be done in the front lounge of a Vegas casino in the mid 60s should never be repeated in front of a high school or college crowd. In hindsight, I still think we made a good choice in performing that instead of ‘I Write The Songs.’

I also regularly used to perform ‘To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before’ with a friend. I had to sing the Julio Iglesias part. This always frustrated me since Willie Nelson’s part is much more challenging. ‘All My Ex’s Live In Texas’ was another regular one for me. That is until someone once asked me if I was aware that I was tone deaf after performing it. I explained that I wasn’t and was told that I should be. That Saturday night was the last time I performed that one. When I did Tammy Wynette’s ‘Stand By Your Man’ as a joke, I was told it was the best I ever sounded. That Saturday night was the last time I performed that one.

I’ve since retired from the Karaoke scene, but in light of this week’s holiday, I might have to return to performing again. I practiced Joe Cocker’s version of ‘She Came In Through The Bathroom Window’ in the office’s restroom before lunch. The acoustics are pretty good in there and it seemed like a good place to sing it. Unfortunately, my voice needs a little more conditioning and another guy from our office walked in while I was practicing. To save face I quickly switched back to ‘Folsom Prison Blues.’ I have always found that the verse ‘I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die’ is very effective in getting people to leave me alone.

Now I gotta go. I have to prepare to meet our HR department tomorrow for violence and harassment in the workplace counseling. I wonder how that happened…I guess I’d better start practicing the verses to ‘All You Need Is Love’ and ‘Give Peace A Chance.’

Eye Am Taking A Day Off

After 17 years of wearing glasses I became a free man tonight. I finally, finally, finally got up the guts to get contacts!!!

Because the nurse was nice enough to help me practice taking them in and out for almost an hour, my eyes are now as red as raw uncooked beef. They also hurt quite a lot. I think I am now starting to get the hang of taking them in and out since I can do it without shrieking like I am in a horror movie. The nice nurse at the optometrist said they would assist with extractions only if it was an emergency. I am hoping she keeps her word.

So, long story short, there will be no 'real' post tonight. I am too busy alternating between doing the happy dance and whining like a baby because my eyes hurt so much after butchering them while trying to get the contacts out. Plus for some reason I am now craving beef.

See you all tomorrow and sorry if I don't get a lot of commenting in over the next day or so. Eye promise I will get back to reading, lurking and commenting just as soon as eye can.

Luck…She’s An Elusive Mistress

I have never been one to think of myself as a ‘lucky’ individual. Especially when I have an aunt who wins a couple thousand dollars every time she goes to the local Indian casino or when you consider that fact that I fall down or knock into things a lot. That all changed yesterday though.

I was at the gas station filling up and minding my own business after visiting a client when a fellow gaser-upper approached me and said ‘nice truck.’ Since he owns the same color Chevy Colorado that I do, I complimented him. As we got to talking, I mentioned that almost on queue my cruise control and Lucy’s window both stopped working around the 40,000-mile mark. He said the cruise control thing happened to him and that it was a recall. He advised me that it probably also meant my brake lights weren’t working and I should get to the Chevy dealer immediately. I laughed it off, wished him a good day and then prepared to drive the 50 miles or so back to the office.

To say I was a little paranoid was an understatement. There aren’t many ways to check your brakes when you are alone. Before I left the gas station, I got a Diet Mountain Dew, but that’s inconsequential. The other thing I did was stand outside the truck and press on the brake pedal to see the tail light but as I would stretch to see towards the back of the truck, my foot would come off the pedal. I tried this obviously futile exercise 10 or 15 times (I’m a slow learner) and then gave up. I figured that since my cruise control had not worked since July and I hadn’t had an accident yet, maybe my brakes were working just fine. So, I commenced to drive to work. Every time I passed a big rig I would check to see if it had a shiny chrome grill up front. If it did, I’d signal, get it front of it and tap my brakes. Here’s a tip for you: while this is not a good way to see your brake lights because the grill doesn’t reflect well enough to show your vehicle, it is a good way to tick off truckers. You do not want to tick off truckers. Maybe if they could hear that I was playing the music from Smokey and the Bandit it would have helped, but they couldn’t hear it. This may have had more to do with the fact that they were yelling at me than the noise of their diesel engines did.

Eventually I gave up this method of testing my brake lights and just decided I would leave lots of room between myself and the motorists behind me for the rest of my drive. When I got to my work’s parking lot, I parked with the hind end of my truck facing some shop windows and tapped on my brakes. My brake lights were not illuminated and this is the part where I get to call myself lucky. Apparently, I had been driving around (and I do a lot of driving – maybe not as much as Tiger Woods, but a lot. OK, no more bad golf jokes) without brake lights since mid-July when my cruise control went out.

It was as if the stranger from the gas station was a messenger from above who was trying to get me to get my cruise control fixed. I guess it makes sense now that when I turned around after fueling that he was gone, there was no trace of him and I never saw him drive away. Spooky, huh? Ok, I made that last part up for effect. Did it work? I kinda thought so. Seriously, to not have caused an accident in the last 3 months while driving with no brake lights is phenomenal. Although it now explains the several times where I would slow down on the freeway sending all the drivers in the lane behind me slamming on their brakes while swerving towards the shoulder. See, I thought it was just because I had become a bad driver in the last few months. Phew, what a relief that’s not the case. Although perhaps the singing and choreography that has become part of my daily driving should be curtailed just a little for now.

So, I did what the Chevy Colorado mystery angel instructed me to do. I went to the Chevy dealer and told them that I thought there was a recall for my situation. He said that was indeed the case and that I would have my truck back within a few hours. Later in the day I picked my truck up, had Partner In Crime verify that my brakes were working and headed back towards the office. There was a slight problem though. The cruise control was not working. I immediately called the dealership back. The conversation over the phone went like this:

Me: Yeah, I was just in there to get the recall fixed and my brake lights are working but my cruise control is not. This is a problem because you said you knew what the problem was and I really, really like to cruise and it makes me feel good when I am in control of my cruising.

Dealer dude: Ha. Really, it’s not working? You’re kidding…

Me: Nope.

Dealer dude: Did you turn the switch on?

Me: Yeah, that was the first thing I did.

Dealer dude: Wow. Go figure. That should’ve worked. Well just bring it back sometime and we’ll look at it. Now I should tell you that it’s probably not related to the recall and it won’t be free…

And…there goes my good luck. There was also a traffic jam trying to get back to the office because someone drove into the stop light pole, I realized I was overcharged for my oil change while the truck was getting the cruise control fixed looked at and work called to say that there was a problem and I had to hurry back to the office. Oh yeah, while I was gone someone wrote on my magnetic Office notepad featuring Dwight that I put up just outside my cubicle. Yeah, I realize that’s what notepads are for, but this one was just for looks. While I did not put up a disclaimer saying that, I figured everyone would understand it was implied.

I think I liked my luck better when there was the chance of someone slamming into me from behind (TWSS). Does anyone know how to make my brake lights not work again?

Can The Perfect Post Be Written?

This is a question I have been asking myself for almost a year and a half now. Many people strive for perfection so the perfect post would be a goal for some. I know I’ve touched on this topic before, but perfection sorta freaks me out. If I achieve perfection, then I’m done. There is nothing more to strive for. Plus people will expect more of me because the bar has been raised and I’ve gotten pretty cozy in my own little space here, so why would I want to disrupt that. It’s like the baby that’s comfortable in the womb and then it’s forced out into the bright, cold sterilized world of the delivery room, or taxicab if mommy didn’t get to the hospital in time.

What am I getting at here? I am debating whether or not I should try to write the perfect post. Don’t fear, it certainly won’t be done with this post, but maybe some future post. What would the ultimate perfect post contain? I think I’ve blogged about it before but my definition of the perfect post has probably changed in the last several months. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to explore the elements of the perfect post again as long as I don’t accidentally write the perfect post. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with post postulating, right? Just promise me you won’t steal my ideas. Although if you do it’s not like I’m going to have the time to chase you down or anything so just give me credit or feel free to link to me. If you don’t, no biggie.

While it’s very important what the perfect post contains, it is probably more important what the perfect post makes the reader feel. It really doesn’t do me any good to sit here and declare a particular post as being perfect, that’s up to the reader to decide. The perfect post should contain things that the reader can identify with. Moving the reader to tears wouldn’t hurt either. A bit of laughing would be nice as would a possible freebie or other call to action. Pop culture references also are a big hit. Then again, so is nudity. However, there will not be nudity here. Well, I guess I could put up a picture of Donald Duck or Porky Pig without their pants on, but then they never wear pants so the shock feature might be somewhat understated.

To address everything I have just mentioned, minus the nudity, here is what I would put in the perfect post. But remember, the perfect post is a life altering achievement and should not be attempted lighthearted or lackadaisically. Oh, that’s another thing, the post should contain big words like lackadaisical and totalitarian. Big words are intimidating and impressive. There is one thing that gets a lot of people excited. Ok, not that. I mean food. Therefore, the perfect post should mention really good, but non-controversial food. Cheese, fried things, meat, lobster and desserts all come to mind. Fortunately I recently was treated to something that addresses 4 of the 5 major food groups I just listed. It’s called the Monte Cristo sandwich and is nothing more than a deep-fried turkey, ham and cheese sandwich served with powdered sugar because powdered sugar makes everything taste better. Yes, the perfect post would mention the Monte Cristo sandwich. The unforeseen benefit of this is that Monte Cristo is so fun to say. I feel like I should be wearing a cape while sitting overlooking the beach while saying it.

The perfect post should also contain something that readers don’t see coming, like an improbable pairing. This could be a combination of people, places or things. An example of this would be Osama Bin Laden and Bishop Desmund Tutu or Mussolini and Gandhi. Fred Flintstone and George Jefferson never made sense. I mean seriously people, think of how many centuries apart they both are. That just can’t happen, so it’s perfect! Then there’s World Hot Dog Eating Champ Joey Chesnutt and Jenny Craig. Or how about Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton as partners while playing a game of Bridge.

You could also compare the Island of Cuba to Disneyland. Not that I believe in conspiracy theories, but I know deep down in my soul that as soon as Castro dies, Disney is planning on taking over the island to create their next resort destination, Disney Cuba. They’ll have the Bay of The Three Little Pigs, Havana Smoothies and Candy Cuban Cigars with Mickey’s face on the wrapper. Visitors will also get to try out the exciting new ride ‘Soviet Blockade’ located in Missile Crisis Land. I’m personally looking forward to getting the Castro Green Military hat with Mickey Mouse ears attached. Hopefully they’ll stencil the words ‘El Generalissimo’ on it for me. Of course, I don’t believe in conspiracies, but I’m just saying…

The next key item for the perfect post is something that will invoke a strong emotion in the reader. The two best ways to do this are actually two completely different emotions. I am speaking of course about humor and sadness. Of course you can cheat and combine the two, which would be describing someone being struck in the testicular area, or what I call the ‘Genital To Gelatin’ effect, but that’s too easy. There are many forms of humor and sadness, so I’ll let you come up with that. Let me stress here however, that walking into things is my bit, so don’t steal it. Also, stay away from sad stories involving baby animals. It’s just too sad and most readers won’t be able to finish your post. Mother-in-laws are still very much in play though, as are men wearing plaid shorts and long socks.

Ok, there you have it; the contents of what I believe would constitute the perfect post. Now let’s review. I will provide you with two synopses of posts. One would be the perfect post and one would not, you decide.

1. A post that mentions mermaids eating shellfish while on a bus ride through the desert to Las Vegas. On the way, the bus breaks down and the driver gets out to determine what is wrong. He strays too far into oncoming traffic and is just barely clipped by an old lady who can barely see over the dash while driving an Edsel. He tumbles in the air and lands in a cactus, but his rear-end cushions the fall. She drives off mumbling something about fixing all the potholes in the road.

2. A man is making a quilt for his wife for their anniversary. The panels of the quilt will contain memorable scenes and mementoes from their life together like pimento olives and Mentos mints. While sewing the quilt, the phone rings and in his effort to answer it, he gets his pant leg stuck in the sewing machine. It’s his wife saying that she is on her way home with her mother-in-law. He gets up, drags the sewing machine and quilt with him to the kitchen so that he can cut the pant leg and free himself. Unfortunately he catches the leg of the flimsy fish tank stand that his wife has told him 100 times to fix and it comes crashing down. He manages to dry up the mess and get his wife’s prized baby angelfish into a cup on the counter and then runs to the bedroom to cut himself from the sewing machine and his put on a new pair of pants. When he walks back out, he is horrified to see that his mother-in-law has finished drinking the entire cup of water that held the fish and the fish is nowhere in sight, but the mother-in-law is complaining about how bad the water filtration in their city is because the water has a fishy odor to it.

Now, which one is the perfect post? It is obviously #1. Why? Because the man in post 2 would never ever quilt anything for his wife. Actually, he wouldn’t be horrified to see his mother-in-law drink from a cup filled with fish tank water and small fish either….

Ok, there you have it; the elements that I think would make the perfect post. If you choose to attempt the challenge of writing the perfect post, please let me know. I’ll be very anxious to steal read it. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, perfection is a heavy burden and big responsibility.

****I have recorded a new podcast. Warning, it is the lamest podcast ever, but since I spent 16 minutes of my life to create it, I'm hoping you can spend 16 minutes of your life (or 5) to listen. Please??****

Update: The podcast does not appear to be playing correctly when it streams, but if you download it and play it, it looks like it plays fine...

More Bullets…Also Known As Random Thoughts Kill…Not Really, But I Bet It Got Your Attention.

Well, it’s Monday again. Not a big fan of the Monday. I started thinking again this weekend and decided it was random bullet time again, especially since I wasn’t sure what else to write. There is nothing as intimidating as a blank page to a writer. Actually I guess that’s not entirely true. Ticking off a biker gang known as the Rabid Renegades would probably be more intimidating. As would being trapped in a burning barn, or any burning structure, like an outhouse. That would be bad. Having a nosebleed in shark infested waters would also be highly undesirable and intimidating. So would misplacing one of your children at Disneyland, only to learn she was right behind you the whole time. Ok, that was probably more embarrassing than intimidating, but that’s beside the point. Intimidating would also describe showing up to a family function wearing a Mountain Dew t-shirt when everyone else is in khakis and dress shirts. This could also be described as the ‘black sheep’ phenomenon. All right, enough of describing ways to feel intimidated, on to the random bullets. If any of these sound like a good blog post, please let me know. The idea tank is running on fumes…

* Why is the word ‘intimidating’ so similar to the word intimate. I find them to be very different in meaning and experience.

* Can you really say something ‘tongue in cheek?’ If you can, is it understandable or does it sound like you have been afflicted by a terrible speech impediment.

* Next time someone tells me to bite my tongue while speaking, I am going to tell them no. It hurts too much and makes you lisp for days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

* I wish my coworkers would find my new cell phone ring featuring Homer Simpson saying ‘Doh’ 30 different ways as entertaining as I do.

* When will the world finally be ready for a sitcom about the happenings at a Septic tank manufacturing and cleaning company? Perhaps I need to change my working title of ‘Tanked’ to something more exciting. The more I think about it, calling something tanked on TV probably isn’t that great of a description.

* Would a show called ‘Swimming With Octopi’ make you want to tune in? How about ‘Dancing With Starving Pythons?’ Or ‘Trying to Stick A Needle Into A Collapsed Vein.’

* Why do old people complain so much? Conventional wisdom would make you think they’d be happy to still be alive. I realize that might seem harsh, so please don’t email me to tell me so. Feel free to email me for other reasons, just not that one.

* If I decide to self-publish all of my blog posts into a book called ‘Stuff You Can Read On The Internet For Free,’ I wonder if it would sell. And could I brag that I was a published author afterwards. I am seriously tempted to do this. I could have entire chapters focused on cheese, lobster, my office or the problems with adjustable mortgages as they relate to the escalating production costs of integrated motherboards and goat’s milk. I’ve been thinking about getting the Surgeon General to write the Foreward.

* If I drop a brick on my big toe in the middle of the forest and cuss to the point that a veteran sailor or member of congress would blush and no one hears it, am I still bad for using foul language?

* If I yell out the words ‘Oh duck it,’ or ‘That ducking hurts,’ am I using ‘fowl’ language?

* Was that last bullet point so lame that I should delete my blog and never write publicly again? This might severely affect the proposed name of my self-published book of writing mentioned just 3 bullet points above. Did you go back and look? I think I counted them correctly.

* I wonder if my lack of promotion and upwards advancement in my company is related to the fact that I have more toys on my desk than file folders or that I occasionally skip and hop through the office when in a good mood. At first I thought it was because I blog at work and have spent years trying to get by with the least amount of effort possible, but it’s probably the whole being a big kid thing. That reminds me, I need to get out the multi-holed ghost costume and bag of rocks for the Charlie Brown figurine on my desk now that it’s October.

* When I stop to think that I could’ve had a V-8, it makes me think what else I could’ve had. Like a winning lottery ticket or meningitis. Or maybe a BBQ’d turkey leg the size of an ostrich’s calf. Yeah, I could’ve had one of those.

That’s it for the bullets. I do have to say that yesterday was a sad day. Lois Maxwell, the original Ms. Money Penny died. She was 80 and will always be the greatest Moneypenny ever. I can still her saying 'Oh James.' Did you know she was born in Canada? I thought that was particularly interesting.

And speaking of being born in the country of our neighbors to the north, I found out that my great grandparents were born there too. How this finally came to light in my grandparents’ 85th year of life is beyond me, but I guess I can now say that I have some Canadian heritage in me. Oh man I hope I’m related to William Shatner. And maybe that’s why I’m such a big fan of Canada’s The Red Green Show. I guess this makes me a Southern Californ-adian? Eh…dude!

Things I Learned This Week: 9/29/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

This post marks the 1-year anniversary of “Things I Learned This Week.” I was tempted to do a Best-Of compilation but it would have taken way too much of my time I learned too many things again this week.


! I learned that when trying to get ready for work, I am running late and have not shaved for three days, that using an electric razor to shave my face is the equivalent of using a lawn mower to clear a forest.

! I learned that no matter how giddy I may be that I finally found and purchased Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer, it is still a bad idea to skip down the main hallway at work while clutching said creamer. Don’t worry, I’m pacing myself. I’m saving the eggnog creamer they had for next week.

! I learned that there is no way to look cool after tripping on the sidewalk when going for my daily walks. Maybe next time I’ll just bow.

! I learned that I do indeed reap what I sow after laughing for years at men’s unfortunate America’s Funniest Home Videos crotch shots when Ethel walked up, punched me in the man area and laugh hysterically. I guess that’s another show I need to cross off the viewing list now.

! I learned that even though Lucy and Ethel may meet the height requirement for certain rides at Disneyland, they may not meet the emotional requirement. I spent the remainder of the day there assuring them that we would not be going on Space Mountain again.

! I learned that despite the fact that I was at ‘The Happiest Place on Earth,’ people will still look at me funny when I bite into my new favorite food, the Monte Cristo sandwich, and yell ‘OH SWEET BABY’ at the top of my lungs. It may have been the first time in my life that I was on the verge of tears while at Disneyland.

And lastly,

! I learned that I do far too many things wrong when I have 5 of the 7 items on my ‘Things I Learned This Week’ list completed by Tuesday…

Work Blogging…Yeah, I know, It’s Wrong And Stuff

Meleah, a blogger I happily read every day because we may have been separated at birth, posted a David Letterman Top Ten List at her great blog today and it inspired me. Well, it’s more like it reminded me that I used to do a weekly Top Ten And A Half list each Friday and then got too lazy forgot to keep doing them. So, I will attempt to do another Top Ten ½ List today. Please remember that I do a Top Ten ½ to avoid copyright issues and because back when I started this several months ago, I thought the extra 1/2 was clever for some reason.

My first idea was a Top Ten about The Office since season 4 is finally starting. But then as I sat in the office all day, I realized how much I miss blogging at work, and believe me, I used to blog a whole lot while in the office. I can say that now because I already got caught. I knew it was taboo to do so, but so is flaunting bad taste and we still have Paris Hilton walking around. So, I will dedicate this Top Ten And A Half List to:

‘The Top Ten And A Half Ways Work Is Different Since I Stopped Blogging There.’

11. I find myself gazing into my monitor dreaming about how many comments I have gotten or what other people have posted on their blogs. It’s a lonely, distant feeling.

10. I am apparently one of my office’s top performers.

9. It appears as though I have a new coworker – and he started back in May.

8. I am now forced to say ‘That’s What She Said’ to my coworkers because I can’t visit blogs and leave TWSS in other’s comment sections. They are not as appreciative of it as blogsville is. At least that’s what the lady from HR advised me. Well, that’s what she said any way.

7. Apparently we hold weekly staff meetings. Now I am wondering how many of them I missed.

6. I never noticed the phone in my cubicle. It rings, too.

5. For some reason I have three calendars on my drab cube walls and they haven’t been changed in 4 months. Oh man, did I miss the 4th of July??

4. It turns out I sing very loudly while in the office and never even realized it. The fact that I don’t get requests should tell you hoe popular the singing was.

3. I wasn’t aware that every day I am required to be in the office for 8 hours – in a row.

2. My office computer can actually be used for something called ‘work tasks’ like email and document creation.

And the number one way that work is different since I stopped blogging there is:

1. In my at-work blogging stupor, I didn’t realize that a photo was taken of me while I was...

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I also have to share two events today that balance each other out. One is so horrible and full of so much travesty, it was travestistic, while the other was so great, it makes me giddy as a 12 year-old school girl. The first was me discussing a new sitcom on FOX (Back To You) that features my comedic hero Fred Willard, oh and I think Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton are too. A few of the ladies in the office asked…and it’s almost too horrible for me to type this…who Fred Willard was. Can you believe that? I was confused, bewildered and yet enraged. I Googled Fred Willard and showed them his picture. One of the ladies said she thought he looked familiar, another said she had never seen him and Female Coworker actually had the nerve to say she didn’t like his look!

I was so appalled that I went to Target. What I witnessed there soothed my anger and hurt about the apparent anonymity of Fred Willard among my so-called work ‘friends.’ It was several $1.00 bins of The Office merchandise. I may have shrieked in excitement and I know people were staring and pointing as I tore through the merchandise. There were Office mugs, post-its, dry-erase boards and a to-do list from the desk of the Assistant To The Regional Manger. I bought all of it, except for the mug because I am not as the mug so humbly states, ‘The Boss’ Go To Guy.’ But the best find (and it was the last one) was the stress ball that was Dwight's bobblehead head!!!!

This, my friends, was a good day.

To Fry Or Not To Fry

Warning: the following is what happens when I run out of things to blog about...

Since watching Alton Brown make homemade corn dogs 4 months ago, I have been craving a deep fryer. Well, I’ve been craving homemade corn dogs and wanting a deep fryer. I’m not sure you can really crave a kitchen gadget, though maybe you can lust after them. The problem with this new desire is that I am on a diet. A serious diet and have been seeing results. So I’m not sure how well a deep fryer would jive (that’s for you Brandy) with that.

I have a long love affair with kitchen things that plug in. I probably should learn how to cook given how much I like kitchen machines. I buy them, I use them (at least twice) and then I have to find a place to store them for the remainder of their time in the kitchen. The electric orange juicer, steamer, iced tea maker, bread maker, ice cream maker, popcorn popper and wireless BBQ meat thermometer that can transmit to the base unit up to 100 feet away all have a cozy place under my counters. The sane argument is whether or not I really need another bulky gadget taking up room in the kitchen.

I’d like to feel I can justify all these purchases which then makes it easier to justify adding another gizmo to the equipment list. While it takes more time to set up the orange juicer than it does to cut open an orange and juice it using the antique glass juicer that we already have, it’s so much cleaner and can automatically switch directions, which gets more juice out. Then again, hands can reverse direction too. The steamer was purchased for the exclusive purpose of steaming lobster tails. The fact that I could do corn, rice and other veggies at the same time only made the deal sweeter. And as if the redness of the lobster doesn’t tell you that it’s done, it has a neat timer. I have used the steamer 5 times in the last 7 years. A friend had one and I had to go buy one for me the next day. The iced tea maker comes in handy that one time of year when our relatives who drink iced tea come to town. Yeah, kinda hard to justify this one I guess.

Ahhh, but the bread maker, now that’s an entirely different story. You can make bread with it. Real bread. The kind of bread you eat and spread stuff on. I use this one a few times a year with the dough and the yeast and all of that. It makes me feel special knowing that I made bread, like a bread making elitist. Plus with WonderBread filing for bankruptcy, I figure I better take matters into my own hands. I don’t follow the recipes very well so I have never been able to duplicate what I’ve made but when you use it to sop up gravy, the taste is pretty irrelevant. I also use the pre-made bread mixes (that cost more than 2 loaves would in the store) and just dump them in and turn the unit on. Hmm, I think I’m making bread tonight! The ice cream maker doesn’t get used nearly enough, but once I photocopy every single page of my best bud’s ‘Ben and Jerry’s’ homemade ice cream recipe book, I swear I’ll use it more. Quick tip: combine a vanilla ice cream base with any flavor extract and you can’t go wrong. I have actually been challenged to an ice cream making contest by my parents’ neighbor. If anyone can think of an addictive ingredient that you crave constantly after tasting it once, and it’s still legal, please let me know. I really want to win this ice cream throw down.

Considering that you can pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave in less time than it takes to remove everything from the kitchen cabinets to find the popper, set it up, pour in the popcorn and pop it, I should probably turn this one into a planter for the back yard. But the real piece of resistance (that’s the American translation before you commence to start laughing at me!) is my wireless BBQ meat thermometer and probe. Does the word probe make you as uncomfortable as it makes me? Seriously, I can now grill meats for long periods of time and monitor the temperature from the comfort of my recliner while watching NASCAR or my hammock or garage or yes, home computer. This is one gadget that has revolutionized my life. I can be grilling a pork shoulder in the backyard while mowing the front yard. It’s efficient…and yummy. This gadget will leave my kitchen only if it’s attached to my dead, cold hand. Fortunately, since it’s a thermometer, you’ll be able to tell just how cold my dead hands are.

The more I think about it, the more I think I should start inventing electrical kitchen gadgets that actually save no time but come in pretty boxes with lots of words to make it sound more necessary than it really is. I could develop the electric peanut sheller, the electric corn shucker, the electric nacho cheese warmer upper, the electric butter knife, the electric salter, the electric apple peeler and the electric can popper opener. Oh and how about the electric ‘get the ketchup out of the bottle assistant.’

So all of this brings me to what I really meant to write about when I sat down to start this: the issue of adding a deep fryer to the mix. See, a deep fryer might not really be bad for my diet. As I am fond of telling people, it’s not what you eat, but how much you eat. For the sake of the rest of this post, I hope you see it that way too. Now here are all of the reasons I need a deep fryer in my life:

Deep fried lobster tails
Deep fried hamburger or hot dog (just place them in the bun and deep fry the whole thing!)
Deep fried marshmallows
Deep fried smores
Deep fried dove bars on a stick
Deep fried bacon
Deep fried BBQ (I realize it sounds like a sin, but you haven’t tasted it yet. Then again, neither have I)
Deep fried sushi (yes I realize this would be just a very fancy fish stick, but I can’t handle sushi. Go ahead; send your hate mail now)
Deep fried fruit on a stick
Deep fried M&Ms
Deep fried cotton candy
Deep fried nachos (seriously, this one has potential)
Deep fried frozen bananas
Deep fried eggnog balls (I’m still figuring out how to work the logistics on this one)
Deep fried fruitcake (yes, I am the only living American who likes fruit cake)

And the one I call ‘The Magic Bullet’ – The Deep fried macadamia nut. It's a slow, but tasty death.

****Giddy Alert: Season 4 of The Office finally premiers tonight. Woo Hoo!****

The Blank Page Or Bailed Out By Bullets

I sat down to write today’s post and nothing came out. I guess I am suffering from ‘blogstipation.’ I don’t believe there is an actual medicinal cure for blogstipation as it can only be cured by stupid things happening in the news, to me or to my coworkers. Unfortunately, come blog time, none of those things had yet to happen. I tried to ‘create’ a little blog magic by starting a rumor about on of my employees that involved raw fish and a weed whacker, but it really never spread like the wild fire I hoped it would turn into. I changed my cell phone’s ring tone to Homer Simpson saying ‘DOH’ 32 different ways, but that only humored my coworkers instead of annoyed them. Then I tried to teach Lucy and Ethel famous TV catch phrases but they were more interested in watching another episode of Dirty Jobs. By the way, how exactly should I take it when my 5 year-olds ask why I don’t get dirty like Mike Rowe?

Despite all of these attempts at manufacturing something to write about today, I came up with a big fat ostrich egg. The big zilch. The infinite nothingness. That last few rotations on an old record before the needle falls off. The sum total of 0 + 0. The net worth of my PEZ collection. Yep, nada. Then I remembered seeing what some of my favorite bloggers have done from time to time: bullet points. I have never been bold enough to try bullet points, but figured there is no better time for them than during a Kirk/Spock hand-duel to the death with blogstipation. So, here are random bullets that recently occurred to me but that I was too lazy too busy to turn into full posts:

* How is it humanly possible that I can watch movies like ‘Tommy Boy’ and ‘So I Married An Axe Murderer’ a hundred times yet still laugh uncontrollably when the same joke happens over and over again? Speaking of ‘Tommy Boy,’ why didn’t ‘Holy Schnike’ become as popular as ‘Yo Quiero Taco Bell?’

* Why are the ‘crotch shot’ and other accidents made famous by America’s Funniest Home Videos so funny, especially when it hurts so much? To test my theory and determine whether it was just me or something innately funny about it, I had Lucy and Ethel watch AFV with me a few months back. Turns out it’s not just me. Heck, they laughed harder than I did…and then proceeded to slam a pillow into my man area. Curious thing though, I was no longer laughing.

* The fact that the word ‘angus’ sounds so much like ‘anus’ is a wonderous dietary tool. Every time I am tempted to order angus beef or an angus burger, I sound the word ‘angus’ out really fast and no longer crave it. The same technique also applies to shitake mushrooms.

* If there is a 99 cent store down the street from Big Lots and near a Dollar Zone store and up the street from the 98 Cent Market, why don’t I open a 97 Cent House of Bargains and take all of my competitors’ business? Or should I just find a job in a city that doesn’t have so many cheap stores within 2 square miles of each other?

* Why did both CHIPS and Battlestar Gallactica feel the need to have an overweight guy? And did the overweight guy on CHIPS really have to have a name like Grossman? What would have been wrong with calling him Officer Steve McSkinny or Officer Slim Danielson?

* No matter how old or mature I get, I will never, ever get bored of the fact that I have a Cousin Oliver like the Brady Bunch did.

* Does telling people that I was ‘giggling like a 12 year old schoolgirl’ make it harder to maintain my macho image? Is macho still a word? How come I have yet to be in a restaurant where they serve Macho Nachos? Should I copyright the name Macho Nachos? Would it be wrong to name any child I may have in the future Chimi Changa? It’s a great name for a golfer.

* Should I still proceed with my sitcom idea for a guy who lives his life according to what the late Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Carray tells him to do in his dreams each night? Could I actually call the sitcom Holy Cow?

* How is it that I love listening to Louis Prima but by the second half of Disc 2 of his ‘Ultra Lounge’ 2 CD set I am ready to commit horrible crimes of destruction against stationary objects?

* When will producers at the Food Network, Discovery Channel or Travel Channel bite on one of my show ideas. They can take their pick of ‘Sitcom Travel,’ ‘Taking The Country By Song,’ ‘Normal People In Normal Places Doing Normal Things,’ ‘Old People Telling Stories,’ ‘Weird Hobbies And Collections,’ ‘The Great American Scar Comparison Challenge,’ ‘Taking The Fork In The Road,’ ‘Holy Crap That Smells Good,’ ‘How Will This Taste Barbequed,’ or my newest idea, ‘Look At That Abandoned Thing On The Roadside.’

Ok, I’m out of bullets. The thought gun is empty. Perhaps I’ll have to develop some of these into full posts. But then again, maybe I’ll finally get access to Socially Oblivious Guy’s computer to be able switch his mouse speed all the way to slow next time he leaves the office and won’t need to turn these into full posts after all.

It’s A Mess O’Fun Wrapped In A Tortilla

The AP reported Sunday that Coney Island hot dog eating contest regular Eater-X won the world burrito eating championship. In 12 minutes he ate 10 ¾ burritos. One of his closest competitors was another hot dog perennial contenders and my personal hero, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, the world lobster-eating champ. Come on, how did I miss that opportunity? I haven’t eaten a whole fresh (meaning non-frozen or just a tail from Costco) Maine-lobster since the summer of 2001. Give me the opportunity to compete today and I’d triple the world record. Then I would collapse and have to have my stomach pumped. Then I’d wake up and cry that I wasted so much lobster. I mean a good hard ‘I can’t believe they cancelled ‘Reba’ cry.’

Well, speaking of Maine (sorry segues were never my strong point), the burrito-eating contest was held in South Portland, Maine. Hmm, does that strike anyone else as the slightest, leastest (my word, but you can steal it) bit odd? Let’s see, Maine…of course there’s lobster, maybe chowda (that’s a regional dialect), maybe even natural casing hot dogs with spilt top buns, but burritos? I would think that would be held in one of the southwestern states like the one I currently reside in. Although now I am kind of curious about the taste of a Maine burrito. See, say it out loud. It doesn’t even sound right. Ok, not that I write my posts while speaking out loud…unless I’m having a problem with sentence structure. It would be like having a Gumbo eating contest in Needles, California or the Danish tourist town of Solvang, California. Or how about a Poi eating contest in South Dakota instead of Hawaii. Heck, how about lutefisk in Rhode Island? Whoa, I think I just found the theatrical companion piece to my musical ‘Nylons in Arizona’ – ‘Lutefisk in Rhode Island.’ Email me now and I’ll give you a percentage of the licensing, like little lutefisk shaped oven mitts.

Now, back to the burrito. Hey, I should write that down. It’s a got a nice ring to it, too. Well, maybe not. I’ve already written enough today. Can you imagine that many burritos in one sitting? Can you imagine more than one in one sitting? Gheesh, think about what that would do to the stomachal region (seriously, I saw that in a medical reference book…or maybe it was MASH…or Scrubs…it really doesn’t matter). Just think gastric blowout because that’s the nicest term I can come up with. I mean I just drank a spicy V8 and am feeling the effects!

Downing hot dogs and buns soaked with water is one thing, but downing whole burritos with rice and cheese and salsa is something entirely different. I’m assuming that elastic waistbands are necessary when attempting this type of feat. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be around the competitors after the competition as the body tries to process what was just forced into it. Just think about the noises, the…on second thought, never mind. I wonder if Eater X now makes everyone announce him as the World Burrito Eating Champion every time he enters a room in the same fashion that the President gets to hear Hail to the Chief every time he enters a room. I also wonder when Eater X is going to want to go out for Mexican food again. Something tells me it’s going to be awhile. At least I hope it’s awhile, as do those that have to spend time around him for the next few days.

Next time I’m in Maine I guess I can add burritos to the to-do list. Maybe they’ll put lobster in them! Though even if they do, I'm only eating one...

Summer Has Fallen and Autumn Has Sprung…Right???

Everyone keeps saying that Fall started yesterday. The last few days here in So Cal have been cold, rainy and windy. I think I even saw an orangeyish looking leaf on the ground yesterday. It was pretty brittle and may have been on the ground since June, but I am taking it as a good sign. However, it is supposed to be back up in the 90s within a few days so my Fall might be a little shorter than yours, which I guess is a good thing because falling is never really good for anyone and medically speaking, shorter Falls are safer. Trust me on this folks for I have fallen many, many times.

I would assume that Fall derived its name from the falling of leaves this time of year, but it could also be that the name came from the fact that new television comedies debut in Autumn and most are so bad that they quickly ‘fall’ off the TV schedule. With the nice summer weather coming to an end, it is also possible that Autumn is referred to as Fall because workers’ blatant false use of sick days to go to the beach ‘fall’ immensely. This is also about the time of year that the championship hopes of Dodgers, Cubs and Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans ‘fall’ to the ground unrealized for yet another year.

The nice thing about our subtly capitalistic society (did you notice my sarcastic tone there because I was really working it over time – that’s what she said. This is why a podcast might be better because then you would hear my sarcastic tone and I wouldn’t have to break the flow of my post to ask you if you sensed it…but I digress) is that no matter where you live you can tell what season it is. At lovely upscale shopping meccas like Target, Kohl’s and Wal-Mart, the day after school starts all of the school supply displays are incinerated or dumped in a big hole in the Nevada desert (I have on good authority that this is really what happens to the stuff, if ‘on good authority’ means something I read on an interweb site that didn’t start with ‘www’) and the Halloween/Fall décor is brought out to replace it. I swear that I am tempted to not buy a calendar this year and just tell the passing of days, months and seasons by weekly trips to Target. Ok, well that and the fact that my cellphone displays the date. And my watch. And my computer. I’m still tempted though.

At Kohl’s the other day, I actually came across decorated Christmas trees with ornaments for sale. Yes, for longtime readers of this blog (by my count that is about 2) I did scream with glee. The only problem with this is that it gave the impression to Lucy and Ethel that they too could yell with glee. Though I think in their case the glee may have been more inspired by the fact that they could scream in a public place than the impendingness (my own word, you can use it if you wish) of the holidays. My point to all of this is the same as it was when I wrote about it last year: uh, isn’t it just a little early for Christmas? I mean at certain stores there is already more Christmas stuff for sale than there is Halloween and Autumn stuff. Seriously, I even saw fruitcake (mmmmmm, fruuuuuuit caaaaaaake. MMMMM, in all its nutty goodnesss) for sale at the big bulk place that is housed in a warehouse and sells its own pizza. I could handle beginning the Christmas season in November, but not the last few weeks of September, although I will admit for the record because I am honest that I did purchase a Sinatra Christmas album last year in early October. OK, and I did download a really cool version of Steve Lawrence and Edie Gormet (yeah, I said it! That’s how I roll) singing ‘Sleigh Ride’ yesterday, but I really don’t think that’s the point here. Are retailers pushing us to the point that Labor Day through Memorial Day will become the ‘holiday’ season?

I personally have always pictured fall as a big Thomas Kincaide or Charles Wysocki painting (are you impressed with my artistic knowledge? If not, then I say Renoir to you all!!). In these paintings, pumpkins abound, there are lots of shades of red, orange, yellow and brown and there is smoke from chimneys wafting into the air. Let’s contrast that scene to the one on my street. Some lawns are brown and dead from the excessive heat, trees are green, kids are playing outside until 8 at night in shorts, smoke wafts into the air…from BBQs and the setting sun and clouds are a beautiful orangeyish…from the smog. Oh and there are those wavy heat lines coming up from the sidewalk. If I could paint this scene, or anything other than stick figures whose proportions are way off, I would title it ‘September, October, April or May-August and Sometimes November…Just Take Your Pick.’

So no matter where you may live or be reading this, I wish you a Happy Fall or Happy Autumn (depending on your preference). Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on more sun tan lotion and get back to my hammock because my sun steeped ice tea should be ready soon. Hmmm, I wonder where I put that Sinatra Christmas album…

Things I Learned This Week: 9/22/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that next time I am harbor cruising with inner ear damage I need to try and remain seated for the majority of the cruise. I also learned that way too many people still think the 'I'm king of the world' bit is funny.

! I learned that the more you mention to a young child that their birthday is coming that the higher their expectations are raised. I WILL NOT make this same mistake as Christmas approaches! Now I know how Ralphie Parker felt.

! I learned that receiving a work phone means that people from work expect me to have it on me and to actually use it other than to play with the walkie talkie feature. Which reminds me, my coworkers felt they had to tell me to not give my direct connect number to my 'online friends.' Seriously, what's up with that??

! I learned that going to Sam's Club while on a diet is the equivalent of cutting your arms and legs wide open and swimming with sharks in a tank of chum. Actually, it's probably nothing like that. It's like someone who doesn't want to eat lots of stuff that's bad for them being forced to walk right by it. Yeah, that's a lot closer to what it's like. Although I'll have to file the shark thing away for later...

! I learned that receiving a call from work at 7:30AM on my day off turns me into a spitting, cussing, violent person...for about 2 minutes. I was half asleep for most of the call. Although I fear I may have agreed to do something I didn't want to do and now cannot remember. Oh man I hope I didn't trade my sweet cubicle for someone else's. Oh no, did I just use sweet and cubicle in the same sentence? Publicly? Shoot me now! Seriously, right now.

! I learned that it's ok to spend $75 shopping for toys on e-bay. I just shouldn't tell people about it. Oh man, by posting here, I guess I just did.

And lastly,

! I learned that no matter how I feel about it, my little girls are still turning 5 today and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I learned most importantly how time flies and how important it is to cherish every single moment. Well, I also learned that I shouldn't give little ones bubble gum as it tends to find its way into little girls' hair, but that didn't sound as nice...


******I swear there will be a Q & A Tuesday this week, so if you have more questions, feel free to send 'em on down the line.******

Repost Friday: Don’t Fence Me In…At Least Use Walls

I've posted this one at least once before...sorry. The two blinding migraines and near constant dizziness I had today made it a little hard to come up with something, unless you want tales of nausea and lots of tipping into things as I walked. Actually, that might be kinda funny. Oh well. Enjoy and have a great Friday!

Well, the U.S. is taking a stance and apparently, we mean business. President Bush has signed the bill (I don’t remember what happens next, so I’ll have to consult my old Schoolhouse Rock DVDs) to construct a 700-mile long fence between the U.S. and Mexico Border. The only two problems that come to mind are 1. It’s a fence and 2. It only covers about 1/3 of the border. I’m sure that whatever department of the Cabinet that happens to be in charge of the fence has already thought those details through, so I won’t bother.

We now join an elite group of governments who have built structures to protect their borders. China had the Great Wall to keep out Mongol invaders or something like that and Germany had the Berlin Wall to divide East and West. Did you notice anything about those two structures? Yep, they’re both walls. When you’re serious about closing off or protecting your borders, you apparently build walls, not fences. Fences are to separate neighbors or dogs or toddlers who have just learned to crawl or walk, not to stop folks from illegally leaving or entering a country. Heck, even Charlie Brown and Linus had a wall to stand in front of when discussing their deep intellectual thoughts. I can’t think of any famous structures with the name fence in their title. Can you?

Thousands of people go to see the Great Wall of China every year and I saw recently that the Chinese government is taking steps to make sure that the wall doesn’t erode. I got to meet Ronald Reagan several years after his presidency and one of the first objects I noticed in his bookcase was a chunk of the Berlin Wall. I can’t say that about any fence. We don’t have cubicle fences; we have cubicle walls. Heck, even Humpty Dumpty’s wall is in the Smithsonian. Ok, I made that up.

Now the question remains as to what type of fence we’re going to use. Wouldn’t it would be a blast to be a fly on the wall (although in the White House or any other government building, it’s probably a ‘bug,’ if you catch my drift) when they meet and decide what type of fence to use. Queue the dream sequence music…

Aide: “Well Mr. President, we could use a picket fence.”
Cabinet: “No, picket fences are for manicured lawns and gardens with daisies and pansies.”
Aide: “How about barbed wire?”
Cabinet: “No, that could inflict injury and there may be litigation issues with injury.”
Aide: “What if we went with a natural fence or border that would like nice with the surrounding desert, like an adobe fence?”
Cabinet: “Adobe would be neat, but Adobe may be offensive to some.”
Aide: “We could use that plastic orange mesh fencing that highway workers, construction companies and amphitheaters with overcrowded rock concerts use.”
Cabinet: “Isn’t plastic mesh bad for dolphins?”
Aide: “We could use that new fancy aluminum faux wood fencing.”
Cabinet: “If it’s new then it’s too expensive, any other ideas?”
Aide: “Well the cheapest and easiest type of fencing to use would be chain link, but all you have to do is lean against it or use wire cutters and it’s rendered completely ineffective.”
Cabinet: “Did you say the cheapest and fastest? Ok, our new 700 mile border protection will be chain link, meeting adjourned!”

Concerning the fence and illegal immigrants, our government hopes that if they build it, they won’t come. I’m hoping I can get my contractor’s license for fence building and my over inflated construction bid to the government as soon as possible! If those aerospace folks can charge $800 for a hammer, just imagine what 700 miles of chain link fence will cost. Plus, when working in the desert, I think you must be able to tack on some type of hazard pay.

Almost Smooth Sailing

Well, the big Booze Cruise was Monday night and I survived. In fact, I managed to neither fall off the vessel nor be pushed in, so all in all, it was a very good night. We really had no idea what to expect. I figured they were doing the cruise for us on a Monday night because it’s cheaper and thinking that, I had no idea what our boat would look like. I honestly expected that it would need an outboard motor that had to be primed and pull-started like a lawnmower. Plus this was a three-hour tour (I kid you not) so we were all imagining our future as strandees on an island with lots and lots of coconut shells. The other problem with a cruise is that once it leaves, it’s not like you can just get off and go back home. That is why most mass killings happen on boats because no one can leave. It’s kind of like a captive audience. Ok, I made that up. I really have no statistics to support it, although I still think it’s a very good argument.

As you can imagine, most of us didn’t get much work done Monday knowing that we were ‘sailing’ later that night. At lunch with our boss, the booze cruise is all we could talk about. I even suggested that I would offer to pay Mr. Socially Oblivious $20 if only he would wear his lifejacket from the time we boarded the boat until the time we got off. Everyone, my boss included, thought this was a great idea. I would have taken far less to do it myself, but no one offered. It’s shame too, because I’m talking like only 5 bucks and I would have happily worn that orange vest all night. Heck, I probably would have started up a conversation with our department’s VP just to show it off. I also bet everyone at the table that Mr. Socially Oblivious would end up on the railing of the boat’s bow yelling ‘I’m king of the world’ before the night was over.

A short time after lunch, four of us piled into Partner In Crime’s car and headed out for the anticipated two-hour drive. We left work early and were on our way. Apparently I must have made reference to the fact that I had $60 on me one too many times because at one point during the drive, one of the other passengers cut me off mid-sentence and said ‘we know, you’ve got 60 bucks in your wallet no shut up!’ What we didn’t figure on was the fact there we could take the carpool lane the entire way so the trip only took us 50 minutes. Fortunately, there was a Game Works arcade across from the harbor and we all took turns beating each other at racing simulators and the basketball game. Although everyone was pretty miffed that I didn’t pay for their tokens since I had that 60 bucks in my wallet. In my defense, I did offer to pay for parking. Granted I knew we could validate the parking ticket, but it’s the thought that counts here!

As the cruise time approached, we headed towards the marina. As we got closer and closer to the boats, I had the feeling that ours would be the one you could not see until you were practically falling into the water. The boats we saw were towering. Surely our company would not provide such luxury. Then we found our boat. I think it was last painted when cars had fins. We shook all the big wigs’ hands and headed aboard. Trying to lay low as usual, we took the very first table in the back. Suddenly there was a commotion and people were lined up practically to the stern of the boat. It was at this point that we realized there was a bar and it was free of charge. Oh wow, booze cruise indeed. As we set out to sea, the water was pretty choppy. As the night went on, this would provide a ton of free entertainment as we got to watch one of the members of our upper management stumble all over the top deck while swearing that what was in his cup was coffee. Seriously, he made Otis, Mayberry’s town drunk on ‘The Andy Griffith Show,’ look like a priest during prohibition. It also provided countless moments of fun for anyone near me. It was the first time I had been on a boat since diagnosed with my inner ear damage last year. It’s not that I got sea sick, because I didn’t, but it’s the fact that every time I lost my balance I could not get it back. It was like when something happened to the Enterprise crew on ‘Star Trek,’ only no one else was falling from side to side with me. Lots of people stood by and applauded my efforts though.

Late in the evening, Mr. Laylow and I decided we wanted to see the bow of the boat. I got a little nervous as we passed the bartender right before walking out the door onto the bow and she asked us if we were going to the bow as if she was taking a head count in case we didn’t return or something. We shook it off and went anyway. Before long, everyone from our office had congregated to the bow, with the exception of Mr. Socially oblivious. Mr. Laylow went and got him but I could not find the orange life preservers, which combined with the bartender’s earlier comment did not make any of us feel very comfortable.

Within mere seconds, Mr. Socially Oblivious was asking me to hold his cup so that he could ‘do that Leonardo DiCaprio thing from that Titanic movie.’ I made a comment about how he couldn’t hold his liquor when he handed me his cup and up he went. We all laughed, but no one paid me (remember my bet from lunchtime). He decided to do it a second time because someone ‘said’ they missed it. Again, no one honored our bet. Then someone said they wanted to get their digital camera so they could capture the moment. Mr. Socially Oblivious said he would do it again, but not until the camera was produced for him to see. Once it was, he handed me his cup a third time and climbed up the bow’s railing. As we were all rolling in laughter as he again proclaimed that he was ‘king of the world,’ a door opened and the boat’s captain yelled out ‘hey, get off of there! I had two people fall off this boat last week trying to do that and it wasn’t fun.’ A few thoughts went through my mind at that point:

1. 2 people in one week? That’s scary. Not scary that they fell in but scary that 2 other people actually thought they would be cool if they tried it.
2. Where was the yelling captain during Mr. Socially Oblivious’ first 2 attempts, and
3. Should we really trust a captain with an open shirt collar and pooka shells around his neck?

Shortly after all of this while we were still trying to compose ourselves, partner in crime looked at me and said ‘I suppose we can expect a moment by moment written recreation of this on your blog soon, can’t we?’ I slapped him on the back and chuckled ‘yes Partner in Crime, you most certainly can.’ You know, I still haven’t gotten paid for winning that bet…

****I know I'm a little late, but Lucy, Ethel and I HAD to record a 'talk like a pirate day' podcast. The scratching noise is them playing with a nail file. And I swear we were sober while doing this!****