Seriously? Seriously? Nawwwwww

I was surfing the web yesterday, ok I was boogie boarding the web the other day and came across a very interesting story on Conde Nast’s Portfolio website. Don’t worry; I haven’t gone all high brow, it’s just that the caption on Yahoo said something like ‘man makes a living with Legos.’ Now how in the heck could I see that and not click it. It would be like seeing that you have new mail and ignoring it, not having ants rush to the Diet Mountain Dew you spilled all over your brand new patio (I’m starting to get over that, thank you very much) or smelling bacon and not running to find the source.

I read the story and sure enough, it says that a former Wall Street attorney now makes six figures building Lego-y things. That’s right, Laaaaayyyy-Goooooos (I hope you read that slowly and sarcastically, because that’s how I said it. Not that you need tips on how to read what I write, but I just wanted you to get the full effect of my disbelief, jealousy and general Whiskey Tango Foxtrot reaction). I played with Legos as a kid. What kid didn’t? Granted I couldn’t build more than a really tall tower (no, it wasn’t that fancy. I just stacked brick on brick as high as I could. I suppose it was more like a column now that I think about it). I have never been to LegoLand, but I am anticipating it greatly. I have bowed to the Lego Darth Vader at Downtown Disney and even kissed the Storm Trooper and R2D2 there, because, you know, I’m a dork. I always figured some Lego Store employee was paid over time to follow carefully detailed schematics to reproduce them in Lego form. Ditto with Lego Land.

Just like my theory that I could eat Reddi-Whip 3 months after the expiration date was incorrect, so was my theory on Lego representations of things we all recognize. I just never realized artists were involved, or that something containing a trace of dairy product might have an expiration date FOR A REASON – though you really don’t want to hear much more about that, I am sure. A Lego artist. And one that makes a great deal of money playing with them. Go figure.

Somewhere I might still have my collection of Smurfs (don’t you dare say a word. Not one!). I wonder if I could assemble them in neat little vignettes and charge people to listen to nice music (like stuff with fiddles violins and walk around with tea and little napkins and comment on the irony and biting social commentary of the way my Smurf Vignettes portray today’s current events. Gargamel (don’t ask. Somehow I just remembered the name, that’s all) could represent Bin Laden. Papa Smurf could represent the old times of turn of the century America (the older century, not the one from 8 years ago). Smurfette could be the victim of a society based on looks. You know what, I am just going to stop right here. I was about to mention Brainy Smurf and am starting to freak out at what I’m doing. The words just keep coming. It’s like an out of body experience where I see myself being an idiot but can’t reach out to stop myself. Damn stream of consciousness…

Oh to be a professional Lego guy. My cubicle could be made out of Legos – real colorful Legos, with one of those pre-fab Lego windows that were all the rage in the 80s. I could assemble a small downtown LA with Legos to make it look like it is a reproduction of downtown LA done with cheese. Yeah, that would throw people for a curve. Even I had to read that last sentence three times and I’m the one who wrote it.

I could reproduce the scene from A Christmas Story when Flick gets his tongue stuck on the flagpole – in all its life-sized gloriousness. Then comes the piece de resistance (translated as resisting of piece, for those of you who wondered). It would be a life-sized representation of me (no strike that – a 7 foot 2 kilometer representation of me) sitting at my desk, asleep. This way, my face won’t be visible and sleeping with my head on the desk won’t look out of place to anyone. By ‘being’ in the office while out creating my Lego masterpieces (think Lego brick alone in the dew on an early morning and other random dreamy motifs with goofy names like that) I can earn two paychecks.

Yes, I think I have found another dream job. Playing with toys for a living must be as great as being retired and still well below the average age that people get strokes and stuff. I think it might indeed be the time to Lego my day job and start creating Lego statues. Yep, I do recognize that was a lame line to use, but who will be laughing when I get paid for building a Lego John Wayne? Me, I’ll be laughing. Just wanted to make sure you got that part.