Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hilariosity Ensues.

Ok, I’ve had that title in my head since I woke up this morning. Then I typed it and realized that with the Democratic National Convention going on right now, you might think this is a Hillary Clinton post. Sorry for misleading you.

The title is actually supposed to be interpreted as:
‘hilariosity – adj. a fabricated and nonsensical word used to convey that something was hilarious. The word is usually applied when the author cannot think of a suitable real word, which has since been anonymously pointed out as being ‘hilarity,’ but then the whole definition gimmick would be shot, so ‘hilariosity’ stays. The word is also used when one of the author’s life goals is to have one of his (or her) words coined in the national lexicon, added to the dictionary and to be said during a National news broadcast by someone newsy and believable like Brian Williams or Anderson Cooper and maybe even Walter Cronkite or Tom Brokaw, even though they both are retired. I The author also uses the word in hopes that James Earl Jones will say it in his Darth Vader Voice.

The author would also like to hear James Earl Jones say ‘gratuitous,’ ‘pork chops and applesauce,’ ‘cheery disposition,’ ‘thank you very much,’ ‘that’s what she said’ and ‘supercalifragilisticexpealidocious in his Darth Vader voice, but that doesn’t have to appear in my ‘hilariosity’ definition. Go ahead and correct me on the Mary Poppins word. I took a stab in the dark with that one and accidentally struck the cat. Don’t be offended though, I mean it metaphorically in the sense that my stab in the dark was not successful.

I hadn’t really come up with much more than a title for today’s post. Then New Female Coworker mentioned to me as I was helping myself to a Red Vine from a vacationing coworker’s desk (which, for the record, he does not mind) about a study she had come across on the ole’ happynet that showed that workers who keep candy on their desks are much less likely to be shot during a workplace-shooting rampage. I don’t want to go all Mr. Spock on you or anything, but that story is fascinating. Did you raise one eyebrow quizzically as you said ‘interesting?’ That’s how Mr. Spock would do it.

First off, how long did this study take and how many workplace shootings did they study until they said something academic like ‘ok, we can now discontinue said investigation as we have obtained a satisfactory amount of empirical data concerning the topic and its relativity to the original purpose of our study. Now let’s commence to endeavor towards the cafeteria for sustenance of tasty cellular combinations.’ Did they start with a workplace shooting that happened in 1987 and just keep waiting for more to occur to see if the guy that had skittles in the bowl on his desk was the only survivor? After 2 or 3 shootings did they run computer software projections that look similar to ‘The Sims’ so they could see how many times the candy dish guy did or did not get shot in relation to the rest of his coworkers?

Then you have to start wondering if other things showed up in the study. Were certain kinds of candy preferred by enraged coworking gunners over other types of candy? Was candy dish guy more likely to perish or be injured if he had cheap hard candy instead of mini-Heath Bars available? Perhaps brown M&Ms are more likely to enrage a disgruntled employee than blue ones? What if a mini-Butterfinger was broken and spilled everywhere? Is that a violence trigger (pardon the pun)? What happens when the candy dish guy’s candy dish is left empty over a period of several days, not because of negligence but because he had a meeting, then a sick day, then had to take his kids to the doctor and then had a vacation day to go pick avocadoes or something? It doesn’t have to necessarily be in that exact order, but does every day that disgruntled coworker sees the empty candy dish push him further and further to the breaking point?

Let’s not overlook the size of the candy dish or the amount of candy remaining every day. What happens when the bowl that earlier in the day had Heath, Kit-Kats, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Krackle Bars and Hershey’s Dark Chocolate is partaken of into until it only has the not as popular Dark Chocolate Hershey Bars left? It sounds to me like being the candy dish guy is a very involved and important responsibility. Providing the candy to the office may be the only determining factor in who is a target and who is not. Wow, that’s a heavy burden.

And speaking of Target, I am going there first thing tomorrow to buy as much candy as I can. Heck, I might even skip the candy dish part and just spread it out on the desk with a sign that reads ‘help yourself and don’t shoot me. My Grandma thinks I’m handsome.’ Please, oh please have the Halloween Candy on sale now. After all, it’s late August and school has started. It’s a retailer’s duty to have everything necessary to celebrate the next upcoming calendar holiday on the shelves as soon as the current holiday ends, not that everyone considers back to school a holiday.


LilSass said...


Employee No. 3699 said...

Laughing hysterically, Michael…still laughing.

Ah, catching my breath. You crack me up. I don’t know where to even start with a comment so I’ll go with , “You have too much time on your hands or your talent is not being utilized.” I think it is the latter.

James Earl Jones would have to say, “Pork Chops and Apple Sauce” trying to at least sound like Peter Brady. It was his line you know. By the way, where the ‘F’ is Christopher Knight now? Oh yeah, isn’t he on ‘My Fair Brady’? Heard of it, obviously, but never watched it…but if I did he would have to be a chef and make ‘pork chops and apple sauce’!

Hey, when you go to Target, can you pick me up some deodorant?

Eva said...

Hilarity isn't a word. The person that told you that is obviously an idiot. You're smart to have invented a new word. Webster's is SOOOO gonna be interested in talking to you when they find out!

p.s. Send me all the Hershey's Special Dark minis. Those are my fave.

Eva said...

Pick me up some deodorant too, would ya? Thx.

cmk said...

I also laughed hysterically while reading this--because you write so well, but also because of the subject matter. "Studies" such as this are very funny--until you realize someone is making a lot of money doing these. {sigh}

PS--You don't need to get me any deodorant--I have a back-up container in the cabinet.

citizen of the world said...

The idea of hilariosity definitely has some truthiness to it.

Patti said...

I actually did think the post was gonna be about the one and only Hillary. Imagine my relief when it wasn't.
Thank you.

Your stream of consciousness never ceases to amaze me. I think you could be the guy with cut-up pieces of cheese on a plate on his desk. You would have to replace them each day, though. They would get a little dry and dirty.

Back to school is most definitely a holiday.

chefmom said...

I gotta say, it REALLY pisses me off when my Butterfinger is all broken and crumbly. Not that I'd go postal on anyone for it, but still. Sounds to me like you and New Female Coworker are going to get along just fine. I'd just go get a barrel of candy and block the door to my cube with it :)

justrun said...

I need to go buy some candy for my desk now.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant even make it past YOUR definition of hilariosity without losing it.

OMG. That was the funniest definition Ive ever read. EVER.

Okay. going back to read the rest

meleah rebeccah said...

Seriously, you need to get another job wherein you can use THESE talents.

Patti said...

I must agree with Meleah R. You should make a living as a writer, Michael.

Amy said...

This is the second blog in which my most favorite show 'Brady Bunch' has been quoted!

Ooooh, one more question...

Favorite Brady Bunch episode ever!

meleah rebeccah said...

Im still hysterical over this sentence:

‘help yourself and don’t shoot me. My Grandma thinks I’m handsome.’

I cant. Your killing me! You are soooofa king funny.

magickat said...

YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. You're a rare one, you are.

But, Michael, you missed a great opportunity...

"my stab in the dark was not successful"

That's What She Said