Q & A Monday

It’s Q & A Monday again, but before I go any further, I need to preface what you are about to read by telling you that Lucy and Ethel are mere feet from me playing their Barbie keyboard and guitar in their ‘band’ while I type this. So, if what you are reading suddenly stops making sense, it’s because a grown man’s head just exploded. My head. Now, with that out of the way, I will gladly answer the questions that you, the reader, submitted to me, the writer, during this last week.

A few notes of interest before we begin: I don’t research my answers because that would take up too much time and energy, so it’s best that you don’t repeat them to anyone that you either want to impress, need a favor from, or who might hire you for reasons of employment. I also usually forget at least one submitter’s question. And, I like cheese –it gets mentioned from time to time.

Ok, with all the legal gumbo out of the way, this week’s first question hails from, Aislinge. I don’t know that questions can actually hail from somewhere, but I sure do enjoy how fancy it sounds. Aislinge had a few questions that, well, left me shaking (trust me, you’ll be tempted to laugh at that in a moment – or not). The questions are: ‘how many earthquakes have you been through? What was the strongest in terms of magnitude (if you know) and the strongest in terms of damage? And how does it feel?
I honestly can’t remember how many earthquakes I have experienced. There are two reasons for this: I’ve been through a lot of them and I am very prone to vertigo, which I have confused for an earthquake more than once. The oddest part of that is once you have experienced an earthquake, you might be tempted to yell something at me like ‘that felt nothing like an earthquake you uneducated, uninformed jack ass!’ I’m pretty sure the biggest magnitude was probably in the low 7s and the strongest in terms of damage was the Northridge quake, that I think was in 1994 or so. Our most recent one was a 5.4 and was about 5 miles from my office. I’m pretty sure I could have perfected surfing during that one, except for that whole get under your desk thing that our office safety leader made me do.

Next up is LisSass who asked ‘Michael, will you marry me?’
Uhhhhhh. Ummmmmm. Honestly, I think that is the first time that has been asked at this blog. Surely you have confused me with the writer of a blog who posts about his mountain bike treks or hiking expeditions or his billion dollar bank account and looks like George Clooney collided with Brad Pitt, minus all the blood and guts that are sure to be associated with such a collision. If you wanted to be on my blogroll that badly, all you had to do was ask. Ok, that was a joke. Besides, I already added you to my blogroll (insert nervous laughter here).

Eva is next with a question that referenced one of my posts from last week or so. She asked ‘what is up with making coffee in the office??? What happened to the Enormous Espresso 3000 or whatever it's called???'
Well, the answer is quite simple. The Saeco 300 requires a dollar for what is essentially a slightly obese version of a Dixie cup. Despite the cup’s weight gain, it is still very small and not worth a dollar. 50 cents I might do. Maybe even 75 cents if all the office-made coffee is gone and it’s about 3pm and the boss keeps walking by my office to see if I am trying to nap with my chair turned facing away from my cubicle entrance, but that’s as far as I’d go. So, we are still making coffee throughout the office, though next time I see someone getting one from the fancy Saeco vending machine, I’m tempted to tell them ‘wow, when did you get the big fancy raise Mr. Pay 1 Dollar For A Quarter’s Worth of Java?’ Or something like that. That was just off the top of my head. It’s not like I’ve been spending slow afternoons in the office jotting down things I can say to people who do buy the vending machine coffee on index cards or anything like that.

Patti asked ‘Since you live in or near the desert, is your yard full of cactuses? Or cacti?
I think the scientific term for multiple plants of cactus is ‘cactipotumuses,’ but I didn’t really look it up. It just sounds like something I have heard before. TECHNICALLY where I live COULD be considered a desert, but since the founding fathers of Southern California signed some sweet cherry water deal many, many years ago, we essentially legally steal all of our water from Northern California or Alaska or something like that and don’t have to worry about water supplies and can have lush green front and back lawns. Except of course for me because of the fact that gophers are attracted to sarcasm, or the smell of charcoal or the excrement of golden retrievers or whatever makes them target my lawn, and only my lawn. I hope that answered your question, Patti.

And lastly, this week we have Employee No. 3699 who submitted these gems: ‘The Beatles or The Monkies; what is your favorite vegetable; and live in a tent for one year or work seven days a week for one year?’
Yikes, why not just come out and ask who I am voting for. That first one is a toughie. I’d have to say the Beatles by just a little bit over the Monkees, though both are featured prominently on my Ipod. In all honesty, it’s the Beach Boys over both of them, but I very, very much like all 3. My favorite vegetable is grilled corn, followed ever so closely (and when in the hell did I start using phrases like ‘ever so’) by sun dried tomatoes. I would GLADLY live in a tent for one year instead of working seven days a week for one year, but something tells me you already knew that. I am obviously making assumptions about the condition of the tent (like the tent has full electricity and TiVo and some sort of cool-air circulation device) with my answer, but since I already answered, I shall stick with the tentage.

Alrighty folks, those are the q's and a’s for this Monday. Thank you to everyone and have a great week!

**By saying ‘have a great week,’ the writer of this blog is in no way insinuating that there will be nothing new to read here until next week. In fact, he will have a post for you to read again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, and most likely the day after that, though the writer of this disclaimer is not keeping track of how many days he has already referenced.