Sunday, March 02, 2008

Q & A Monday

Well, the calendar say it’s Monday, so I guess I can look forward to changing the month to March on my ‘The Office’ calendar. Well maybe that and lunch. Lunch is usually good. And I am on call for jury duty this week. To those of you wondering if using the excuse that ‘I can’t serve on a jury right now because I have a blog and my readers need me and I have 338 posts in my Google Reader that I haven’t addressed yet’ really works, well, I am going to find out. Before all of that however, I need to answer the questions that you were so nice to submit to me over the weekend.

There aren’t a whole lot of questions this week, but they are very good ones. I think to raise the number of submitted questions next week that I am going to close down my blog for 3 days and teach myself how to become a better writer so that you, the wonderful reader, can enjoy a better blog visiting experience. I mean that type of publicity stunt worked so well for Starbucks. Surely I can get a little of that mojo going, right? I figure the worst-case scenario would be that I learn to make a better espresso. Yep, these are the jokes…

Just in case you had forgotten, let me reiterate the rules for Q & A Monday. You can’t quote me to impress your friends or use my answers in any form of research, my highly paid research staff is never wrong (no matter how odd my answers may seem), I don’t spell check my answers and I have not been romantically (or in any other way) involved with Matt Damon or Ben Afflick. Or Sarah Silverman or Jimmy Kimmel, for that matter. I guess that’s not really a rule, but I wanted to state my neutrality on this current issue that is sweeping the nation quicker than Obama vs. Clinton.

Now on to the questions. The questions were so good this week that I find myself with a headache just trying to answer them. I wonder if I could plead the 5th on my own blog…

Ok, first up this week is Natalie who aside from having great musical taste, has a great musical question. She asked ‘Who would win in a fight, Kenny Loggins or Michael McDonald?’
That is a very perplexing question, though I have to give the edge to Kenny Loggins. I mean he did sing ‘Danger Zone’ for the Top Gun Soundtrack. Michael gave us ‘What A Fool Believes.’ ‘Danger Zone’ is grittier, hence my giving Kenny the nod. Although, I thinks he loses fighting points for having sung ‘Footloose,’ so now they are even again. See how perplexing this is. I must add that they both have great hair, but all that means is that they could easily tag-team to kick James Taylor’s ass, but that wasn’t Natalie’s question, which is too bad because I could have answered that one.

Patti had another good question that really got the noggin moving. She asked: ‘Where did the term "bullets" come from when referring to points in an article, letter, blog post, whatever? Wouldn't "dots" work just as well?’
I have no idea where the term bullets came from, although I think it has something to do with grabbing attention and creating a sense of urgency. I don’t that that ‘dots’ carry the same weight. Actually, it is a scientific fact that bullets are heavier than dots. If you have ever seen the Zapruder film, then you also know that they do more damage. Bullets are also shiny, which make you want to look at them. I guess that visual really in no way translates onto a piece of paper with a list on it, but it sounds intelligent and if there is one thing I have learned from watching election coverage, it’s that sounding intelligent is far more important than actually being intelligent. That is why when speaking with people at work that I don’t use any word that has less than 3-4 syllables. Has the multi-syllabic approach helped me get ahead, you may want to ask? Neg-a-tive (see that’s a 3 right there), but I must also admit that I got caught blogging at work, tend to dance too much while others are working and play music which is deemed offensive in an office environment (yes, like Barry Manilow). As you can see, all of the aforementioned examples negate the positive effects of my usage of complex words while in the workplace. And people get sick of hearing me speak like I just did in that last sentence.

Frigga stopped by to ask a question that was once near and dear to my heart. She asked: ‘How is the Funday Cause going?’
For those of you who may not be aware of my Funday Initiative, let me detail it for you. Back in the good ole pre-Britney-has-lost-it days of Summer 2006, I began my efforts to get Funday on the calendar in replacement of Mondays. Since you are most likely reading this on Monday and this post has Monday in the title, you can see that my little initiative is doing really, really well. OK, yes, that is a campaign lie. The truth is that I could not convince the greeting card companies to support Funday, which was the lynchpin of the entire operation. After all, it is the greeting card companies that control the calendar (I submit Mother’s Day and Valentines Day as examples). It seems they couldn’t see people sending each other Funday cards and lost interest in my endeavor. So please don’t blame me for the fact that you are reading this on a Monday instead of a Funday; blame Hallmark. Just don’t go into one of their stores to do so because it’s really, really hard to be angry at anything while in a Hallmark store. Believe me, I’ve tried and now I just head straight there whenever I get upset. Damn Hallmark…

Selma really challenged me this week. She asked the perennial head scratcher: ‘Why did the chicken really cross the road?’
Though this may surprise you to hear, I DO know why the chicken crossed the road, but it turns out it is related to something believed by our government to be of an extra-terrestrial nature that happened across the street. I know this because I was there and saw the whole thing. Unfortunately, I have been sworn to secrecy until 2047. And if you think my HR department at work keeps close tabs on this blog and my blogging activity, then you should see how the government is watching me. I’ll just say this: that was the smartest, most agile, deftly strategic and cunning chicken I have ever seen and I can’t believe it was able to -------- towards that ----- once it had finally crossed the road near the ------ that had all of those ------, which made everyone that saw it have to -------- for the next three weeks. Assuming of course it was really a chicken in the first place…

And last, but never least is the soon to be retired Odat (see I didn’t forget your question this time around). Odat wondered: ‘So what's with the Slurpies?????’
I recently mentioned that I have become addicted to them. They are cold, they are refreshing and you can get a lot for a little money, plus they have six times the amount of Chloriophosophyphate 3 that iced blended coffee drinks do. This makes them more addictive than crack cocaine. Basically, once you have one, you will continue to crave them until you actually begin to lose your vision and start to believe that Clay Aiken is more talented than Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormet, however hard that may be to believe. Had I known this when I walked into that 7-11 three weeks ago, I would have stuck with the Mountain Dew I planned on getting in the first place. I should have suspected something when the guy who was just standing next to the Slurpie machine kept staring at me and motioned with his index finger for me to come forward and ‘reward my thirst with the quenching combination of sweetness and a cold, whipped airy texture.’ It all seems so obvious now.

Well there you have it, another Q & A Monday is in the books. I hope I helped answer the burning questions that once answered will allow you to get on with your week. Though if I didn’t, please just keep it to yourselves. But if I did, please call your local newspaper and let them know about me. Dear Abby and Ann Landers can’t live forever you know. Have a great Monday!

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, Clay Aiken is the best male singer of the past decade or more. You should give him a listen instead of bashing him like a mindless sheep just because you think its the popular thing to do. That's pathetic, man.

Tink said...

Just stopping by to say hi. Have been reading, not commenting nor have I come up with any really intriguing questions to pose. :)

Patti said...

Um, Ann and Abby are no longer among the living, so you have a chance at becoming an advice columnist!

Thanks for answering my question, I can't believe you were able to weave Zapruder into the response.

Sunshine said...

Michael McDonald got kind of pudgy, I think he outweighs Kenny Loggins, so he might win on bulk.

kat said...

I used to drink Slurpies obsessively. Several slurpies, multiple times a day. I also used to go to all night dance parties and suck on pacifiers while wearing candy necklaces but that's besides the point.

The point is beward the Slurpie. They can cause blockages in the bile duct. And it doesn't feel good, I assure you.

Beware the Slurpie, beware the groove!

FRIGGA said...

Awww man, sorry about the failure of Funday... Maybe you can pick the cause up again in the Summer - people seem more willing to blow off important work type stuff during the Summer. ;-)

Can I ask an early question for next Monday? Why does my Apple scented hand soap make me want to gag when I smell it? It does in fact smell like apples. But it's soap and it makes me want to gag. Why? Thank you in advance!

Happy Monday!!! :-)

chefmom said...

Darn! I can't believe I forgot to send in a question! I'll have to think _____ and ______ about one for next week. I KNOW You can fill in the blanks. ;)

Sizzle said...

I think Kenny is all song and Michael would definitely kick his ass. But yeah, both of them could kick James Taylor's butt.

Natalie said...

I have never understood the lure of the Slurpie. Monica used to always want to go get one and I wouldn't even walk the three blocks to 7-11 because they were that uninteresting. Maybe it's because I never had the first one that I can continue to resist.

What if it was a fight between their beards??

meleah rebeccah said...

I loved your answer to Selma's question the best.

And Im going to have to take Loggins in the fight scenario.

yes...bullets are shiny!! Maybe thats why I like those posts so much (shiny things always make me happy)

citizen of the world said...

I believe bullet points are called that simply because the dots resemble the pointed end of a bullet.

Sincerely,
the etymology nerd

Odat said...

Ok, I'm a little more educated now thanks to you!
And stop bashing Clay Aiken..."..just cause it's the popular thing to do"!!!!!! ;-)
Peace

Selma said...

Thank you for clearing that up about the chicken. I always suspected something was up. Don't worry, I won't ever tell anyone you know the real story even if tortured with Slurpies and beef jerky. I am a vault!