Monday, March 03, 2008

Before You Call In Sick Today, Read This

Today was Monday. It was beautiful outside, warm, green, my Mountain Dew tasted just a little more dewier and I swear the birds were singing a Jimmy Buffett tune. It was so nice in fact that I took the longer route into work this morning. It was the route where I drive around for about 45 minutes until I find road construction and a detour so that I can follow the detour even further out of my way and then when I get to work I can blame my excessive tardiness on said detour. It’s been working very well for me, though I fear that coworkers will soon realize that a detour cannot go on for 4 straight months, or that I have yet to find an alternate route into work yet. Until then though, I’ll be living high on the detour hog.

Then I got to work and everyone was in such a foul mood. It was a real shame. I don’t know what the last few days were like in Hitler’s bunker (although I’m fairly sure that their lighting and ventilation was better than ours is), but I imagine it was pretty similar to all of the bad and grumpy moods I experienced this morning. It was so bad that even my ‘go to’ musical 1-2 punch of ‘Copa Cobana’ and Elton John’s ‘I’m Still Standing’ couldn’t improve the mood. Now that I reflect on it, I’m pretty sure it actually made the mood worse, but then if you approach everything as a problem, it will be a problem. I however, am a problem solver. That is why I spent most of the morning shooting my NERF dart gun into my unsuspecting coworker’s cubicles. I don’t think I have been cussed at and flipped off as much since the last time I was driving in downtown LA hauling something to my Uncle’s house which covered my rearview mirror and made me use ‘the force’ to determine whether or not there were vehicles behind me as I changed lanes. Verdict on that day: the force is not strong with this one.

However all that I have written so far was not the real reason for today’s post or the title of this post. I read an AP story this morning before work that could not have been more appropriate for a Monday morning. It was about a man in Washington who talked his friend into shooting him in the arm so that he could miss work and skip a drug test. My first thought is that he obviously was going to fail the drug test since he thought taking a bullet would be better than going to work. The second thought: I need his friend to become my friend. Who needs a friend who has your back when you can have a friend who, at your request I must admit, will shoot you in the back. THAT is the hallmark of a good friend, especially if he is willing to share his beef jerky with you.

The man told his employer that he was the victim of a drive-by shooting while jogging. I can’t even write that sentence without laughing. But at the same time, I walk before work every morning and must tell you that my mind is spinning with possibilities right now. I mean I’ve endured open-heart surgery and can’t help but think that a bullet in the arm would be less painful than having my chest cracked open like an oyster shell. You’d have to think that on the ‘how many days is this excuse worth’ scale that a bullet wound is worth at least 3 days, if not the entire week, especially if you have a good relationship with your physician. I’ll admit that it’s a drastic step. Perhaps when you are ok with suffering gunshot wounds you might want to start shopping your resume around. It’s just a thought.

As this man’s employer though, it would force me to take a deeper look at the morale of my workplace. Then after dealing with that, I would give bullet man a raise because he obviously is the most creative person in the office and that type of creativity and dedication to an ideal deserves to be rewarded and used for the corporate good. Hell, I’d even redo the logo of the company to incorporate a bullet wound to inspire all of the employees to be as creative as bullet man.

So in conclusion, if you are planning on calling in sick this week, I guess you have a new option to consider. It might be a painful one but it could just get you a raise and a promotion and as we all know, you don’t get the pain without the gain. While no one but you can make the decision on whether or not missing work is worth taking a bullet, just remember that the rewards may very outweigh the temporary discomfort, blood loss, ambulance ride and possible permanent nerve damage and infection.**

**This blog in no way endorses gunshots as a method of missing work. It is written solely for your enjoyment and much like a bullet shot from a quivering hand, probably missed its mark. There are many safer ways to skip work such as twisting an ankle, falling down the stairs, ‘accidentally’ slicing your finger open while cutting a piece of cheese to eat, a weekend ‘sports’ injury, accidental groin shot from your children or anything related to yard work or home improvement projects. However, with this disclaimer out of the way, if you do take a bullet to skip work, please email me so I can blog about it.**

17 comments:

citizen of the world said...

I've heard birds sining Jimmy Buffet - I think it was "Why Don't We get Drunk."

Is it too early to submit a question for next Monday? It's this:
Why did you title Sunday's post "Q&A Monday" and start with "Well, the calendar say it’s Monday"? Are you just messing with our minds?

citizen of the world said...

I've heard birds sining Jimmy Buffet - I think it was "Why Don't We get Drunk."

Is it too early to submit a question for next Monday? It's this:
Why did you title Sunday's post "Q&A Monday" and start with "Well, the calendar say it’s Monday"? Are you just messing with our minds?

Natalie said...

Wow, that is seriously desperate. However, the way things are looking job security is on the decline and unemployment is on the rise. If the guy was going to lose his job due to the drug test and then lose his home, his woman, his car, etc. Maybe the gunshot wasn't too bad. I'm assuming he was fired for lying though and then HA on him.

FRIGGA said...

Wow, that is some serious dedication. Would rather take a bullit than get caught with drugs in his system and fired. Too bad he isn't as good of a friend as his friend is to him - because either way one of 'em is going to get caught. I mean, if his friend was going to use being shot as an excuse, someones got to do the time for shooting him... Yes, obviously there were drugs used in the scheming of that plan.

Now, if you come up with something longer lasting than a detour and with less blood shed than a bullit, let me know!! :-)

Happy NOT Monday!! :D

Patti said...

It's a good thing you put that disclaimer at the end of this post. As if someone would actually think you were endorsing gunshots!

I'm trying to come up with a question for Q&A Monday. It may have something to do with the Easter Bunny. Or maybe not.

Happy Tuesday ~

Odat said...

LOL... I so believe this story...I had a case at work once where the employee, who tested positive for marijuana, and his excuse was that his girlfriend used hemp oil as a body moisturizer.....and....well you get the picture...
Peace

meleah rebeccah said...

I still cant stop laughing at "getting shot during a drive by shooting while jogging."

And THATS why I do not excersice. It's too dangerous!

Lis said...

Good idea except I wouldn't know where my friend would procure a gun in law-abiding Singapore. But then again I don't really need to call in sick or use any other excuse today seeing as how I'm not working today. Whee.

By the way, your comment box is all funky. It's about half the size it used to be. Did you starve it?

LL said...

Thanks for stopping by the End of the World.

You've got a good blog, and we share a similar sense of humour, so I'm sure I'll be back.

Just telling it like it is said...

OMGosh that us soooo funny!!!Do you know how many people have thier family or friends drive them to the ER because they shot themselves..and then call 911 and tell the police that they are on the way to the hospital by name that they just shot themselves...
It was hard not to laugh....but sometimes...you have no choice...

chefmom said...

I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard....husband is looking at me like I'm crazy...These 3 phrases just did me in:
"It’s been working very well for me, though I fear that coworkers will soon realize that a detour cannot go on for 4 straight months, or that I have yet to find an alternate route into work yet. Until then though, I’ll be living high on the detour hog." Tell them you've been visiting NJ. Road work goes on for years.
"I don’t think I have been cussed at and flipped off as much since the last time I was driving in downtown LA hauling something to my Uncle’s house which covered my rearview mirror and made me use ‘the force’ to determine whether or not there were vehicles behind me as I changed lanes. Verdict on that day: the force is not strong with this one." Maybe you need "the Schwartz". Watched Spaceballs this weekend, and thsi instantly made me think of a golden Mel Brookes.
"The second thought: I need his friend to become my friend. Who needs a friend who has your back when you can have a friend who, at your request I must admit, will shoot you in the back. THAT is the hallmark of a good friend, especially if he is willing to share his beef jerky with you."
I have no words...I can't stop laughing. Beef jerky...LMAO!!!

Michael C said...

Citizen: It's scary how inappropriately catchy that tune is!

Natalie: I guess what is shot around comes around, huh?

Frigga: Oh rest assured that I am working on it!!

Patti: Well, I can't afford to be sued ;-)

Odat: Come on, admit it. You are going to miss stuff like that at work ;-)

Meleah: Wise decision. I was followed by a duck early this morning while walking. You never know what might happen when exercising!!

Lis: Well, I have been ignoring my comment box lately ;-)

ll: you are welcome and thank you!!

Just Telling: I knew you would have good stories like this!!!!

Chefmom: I love Spaceballs and beef jerky is like cheese to me (wow that's an odd sentence)! I almost asked a complete stranger sitting in front of me at the race track 2 weeks ago to give me a bite of his...

meleah rebeccah said...

"beef jerky is like cheese to me"

Dood. Thats hilarious.

Oh and LOL @ Lis's starving comment box

Patti said...

I just told Ralph you were followed by a duck..there's a blog post in itself, Michael

Patti said...

If beef jerky is like cheese to you, what, pray tell, is cheese like?

That might be my Q&A question for next week.

Selma said...

I think everyone should include references to an entire arsenal of weaponry when coming up with excuses for being late for work. Saying "I had to dodge an arrow from a crossbow" or "I had to stabilise a canister of nitroglycerine" sounds so much better than "the hairdryer was on the blink" or " I couldn't find any clean underwear."

Love the jogger and the drive-by. Comedy gold!

kat said...

Is this where the term "with friends like this, who needs enemies?" comes from?