Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Random Bullet Shiny Things Wednesday

Ok, they’re random thoughts highlighted by bullets; I’m just trying to tie into our discussion of bullets from Q & A Monday. It’s that time of the week again where I spew forth useless knowledge, tips and maybe a recipe or two – a recipe for a good time, that is. Well, that was pathetic.

And here come the shiny things…

* Here’s a tip for you folks looking to get ahead at work. Stopping at Target on the way into the office (which will make you late) to buy Alan Jackson’s new CD, a bottle of Mountain Dew and a pack of gum (what I call the Trifecta) is not seen as a valid excuse for being tardy. But, it can qualify you to be a redneck (with all apologies to Jeff Foxworthy). I should have picked up that NASCAR magazine I saw just to top it all off. And if it helps, I ended up spilling the Mountain Dew down the front of my shirt and tie.

* Sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic behind a cement mixer with its chute pointed right at your windshield is not the most comforting thought. Yes I could change lanes, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about.

* It’s a good thing to remember to shave on the day when you are going to be meeting the new VP of your department. If you DO happen to forget, just introduce yourself as the coworker you can’t stand.

* I love going for my morning walks or jogs (dependent of course on my relative level of laziness each morning). You get to smell the orange blossoms and the scents of wonderful bacon-adorned breakfasts wafting through the air, until you get to the street where you can smell the raw sewage. Then you get the challenge of running while holding your breath, which is NOT recommended or endorsed by the AMA.

* It’s a sad, sad day when you realize your 7-year-old office computer is faster than your 3-year-old home PC. Especially when you can’t use your office one for fun stuff like photo manipulation, blogging and drafting blueprints for the killer robot you are trying to make from the old food processor you took out of your mother’s garage sale box. I fondly call him ‘Slice.’

* I have discovered that the more twang that emanates from my office the further away my coworkers stay. Hey, that rhymed, though it wasn’t planned. I am trying really, really hard right now to not rhyme something with planned just to keep the streak going…

* When you find yourself excited and dancing to the Wiggles’ ‘Do The Owl’ when it comes on while your children are watching TV, it’s time to get more ‘grown up time.’ Although, it is pretty catchy, especially that ‘hoo hoo’ owl-sounding part.

* If cream and milk are both dairy products, then why is it that sour cream tastes so darn good but sour milk makes you want to shave your tongue with a new Gillette Mach 3 razor and empty your stomach with an industrial strength commercial grade pump used only for septic tanks? Oh yeah people, check expiration dates on your dairy products (especially whipped cream in a can, but that’s a different story for another day). They are there for a reason.

* What in the heck do you do when Female Coworker walks up to your desk (even when the twang is emanating) and out of the blue states that she ‘feels like she is having her period every 3 weeks now.’ Seriously, that’s what she said (Get it? The phrase is actually APPROPRIATE in this circumstance). Yeah, I had no response. She then told me that the look on my face was priceless and left. Our relationship will now never be the same, especially when she returned a few hours later just to tell me that her ‘flow ain’t flowing.’ Sadly, I was eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup at the time and will forever link that wonderful candy with her and her, uh, flow.

Well, that about does it for Bullet Shiny Things Wednesday. To keep with the bullet theme, I guess you could say that I’m out of ammo. For the record, I’m pretty sure this is different from ‘shooting blanks.’ Ya know, in case you were wondering…


****Useless Holiday Alert****
Be sure to come back tomorrow to see what useless holiday is on Thursday. Now you can’t say I didn’t give you enough warning. Hint: you’ll need a small piece of paper (or Post-It) and a Sharpie.

17 comments:

AndreAnna said...

We have a male manager at work and all we women have to do is mention the word 'female issues' and we get a week off!

You guys are pathetic! ;)

Michael C said...

AA: Yes, we are. I am going to be smart enough right now and not argue that point...
;-)

Sizzle said...

She told you about her flow?

That's TMI.

Michael C said...

Sizzle: I had always thought I'd never get a good chance to use TMI. Now, I have one. ;-)

Odat said...

Those bullets were so shiny I had to wear sunglasses....
So, that's what she said, huh? very good!!!!!!!
Peace

chefmom said...

okay, that female coworker is weird. BUT to get back at her odd comments, you could say something really crass like 'Hey how's your visit with Aunt Flo from Red Bank Going?' I can't believe I just typed that....my husband made me do it...I'm cringing as I type.
And yes, being in traffic behind a cement truck would make me a little nervous. But it would be fun to stick you head out the window and start yelling that cements flowing everywhere!

Open Grove Claudia said...

DUDE!! I thought you weren't blogging!! Of course, you're my blogging buddy - even though I never ever make your blogroll despite 2 promises.

Man, these are some armor piercing bullets.... Maybe you should get TUT for your home computer??

Cheers!

Michael C said...

Odat: See, they got your attention. My plan worked ;-)

Chefmom: Line has been delivered and it went very well. It took her a few seconds to get it, but then she couldn't stop laughing. Thanks!!

Claudia: My blogroll is in serious need of updating and guess what, you have motivated me to do it.
;-)

chefmom said...

HAHAHAH!!! Atleast she laughed and didn't smack you or something!!

Patti said...

Love the bullets * * *
Are you really building a robot named 'Slice'? very cool.

That female co-worker does find interesting things to talk about.

Patti said...

and you have new comments on Monday's post, and not just from me ;-)

Patti said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
meleah rebeccah said...

"sour milk makes you want to shave your tongue with a new Gillette Mach 3 razor and empty your stomach with an industrial strength commercial grade pump used only for septic tanks?"


HA HA HA HA HA HA

Oh Michael HOW do you DO IT?

You write the best 'shiny things' posts in all of blogville.

citizen of the world said...

I also don't like beign behind those two layer trucks that carry rows of new cars. I'm afraid the chain will snap and one of the top cars will roll off onto mine.

Yeah, your female co-worker is both strange and indiscreet. There is no approproate response except, "Uh huh."

Selma said...

There is only one thing worse than a female co-worker going on about her period and that is when a male co-worker goes on about his haemorrhoids and keeps a box of disposable gloves on his desk. Cringeworthy!

kat said...

It's official. You are ridiculous.

I was listening to satellite radio the other night while driving. There was someone talking about the "office funny guy" and how the typical office funny guy would go from cubicle to cubicle to make remarks and so forth. He referred to it like the office funny guy was "taking his show on the road". When I heard him say that I instantly thought of you.

You have lucky co-workers.

meleah rebeccah said...

* It’s a sad, sad day when you realize your 7-year-old office computer is faster than your 3-year-old home PC.

THAT IS SAD....