Monday, March 31, 2008

Time To Be Honest

A friend of mine from the real world (does anyone remember those? They are the friends we had before blogging that we can actually touch) was looking at my blog for the first time this past weekend and had a few questions after reading through many of my past posts.

While a lot of the questions centered around the question of why I haven’t been fired from my job yet because I seem to offer no real productivity at work, there was one question that really set me back on my heels. I mean the heels of my feet. I don’t wear heels. I just feel that needs to be stated. Although, I don’t want anyone thinking anything just because I feel that needs to be stated. Ok, let’s just drop this whole topic. What I was getting at was the fact that my friend called me out on something that I didn’t anticipate having to answer. This must be what it feels like when a politician has that skeleton (or high priced call girl) in his closet brought out for all the world to see.

At first I felt betrayed and then I realized that I was the one who was committed the real betrayal here. I value all of my blog friends and that is why I feel I need to be honest with all of you before I can sit down with a clean conscience, full of peace, to write another blog post. I am ashamed to admit that I DON’T REALLY LIKE CHEESE. I never have. (Ok, please hear me out and don’t leave yet, I beg you). In fact, I am lactose intolerant and really don’t enjoy any dairy product. So, before you read one more sentence, please allow me to offer my apologies to those of you that I have mislead for the last 550 or so posts.

Now, I’d like to explain my subterfuge (as a blogging friend would say). I made a reference to cheese once and it was so well received that I just had to keep referencing it. I guess it’s the same type of trick that NYPD Blue used in making everyone appear naked at some point on the show. Only my trick was contrived and was a lot easier to stomach than having to see Dennis Franz’ rear end. My supposed love of cheese connected me with so many of my fellow bloggers that I just found myself unable to break that bond. I got so caught up in my own lie and the benefits I gained from it that I could not stop.

Now I know how Barry Bonds feels, except for the fact that I never had a shot at the Hall of Fame, well the Baseball Hall of Fame. I think I've still got a shot at the Bocce Ball Hall of Fame. It's much swankier and a lot harder to get into. In fact, most people have never heard of it BECAUSE it's so swanky. I’ve tried to eat cheese, but when it melts it gets so greasy. There is a cheese processing plant where I live in Corona and I have to drive by it daily. Have you ever smelled the elephant or camel pens on a really hot, sunny and slightly humid day at the zoo? That’s what this cheese plant smells like. Really, who wants to eat a slice of cheddar with that scent still lingering (or should I say ‘limburgering’) in the air?

I guess I knew that I’d always have to face this day. I just hoped I could perpetuate my little ‘I love cheese’ gig a bit longer. So, my dear blogging friends, I am sorry. Please continue to visit my blog and allow me to visit yours. In a way, getting this off my chest has made me feel so much better, just like when they removed my chest tube after surgery. Who knows, maybe getting out from under this lie will make my writing better.

I feel so refreshed after sharing this with you that I think I will share something else I’ve been meaning to tell you all…









…APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!! Are you crazy, of course I love cheese. Heck, I’m eating string cheese while trying to type this. It actually made me physically pained to even have to write the words ‘I don’t like cheese.’ Can you imagine someone not liking cheese? Even worse, can you imagine liking cheese but not being medically able to eat it? Oh the humanity. Trust me my friends, everything I wrote above was a lie. Cheese is the lifeblood that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. It’s my sustenance and my honey pot. OK, maybe throwing in the Winnie the Pooh analogy was a little much, but remember that my world is often seen through the eyes of two 5 year olds. So, thanks for letting me try to bastardize my love of cheese in order to make an April Fools joke. Although, I still don’t wanna see the butt of Dennis Franz’s gun, if ya know what I mean…

21 comments:

On a limb with Claudia said...

You're such a jerk Michael! You TOLD me I could borrow your Christian Louboutin knee high boots with the 5 inch stiletto heel. You said they would fit because we have the same shoe size.

Now I know what a lying pig you are.... ;)

April Fools to you too! :)

Michael C said...

Claudia: That was good. Very, very good!

Sunshine said...

I think half my recipes involve cheese or dairy of some kind.

If I became lactose intolerant, it would be HARD as hell!

citizen of the world said...

First of al "love cheese"? Ewww.

And I can't believe you wear heels. Or that you're a skeletal call girl. This is all very unsettling.

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Michele said...

Feeew! You scared me for a minute there. I almost had to leave, but somehow I was compelled to stay to very end. What a relief to find it was all a joke. I mean someone who doesn't like cheese!? Are they human?

Odat said...

Yeah, will I'm not retiring! So there! oh wait, that's not funny....
You really had me going there Michael...very good!
Peace

chefmom said...

HAHA! I smelled a rat right from the beginning. If you hadn't admitted it was an April Fool's joke, I was totally going to call you on it. How could you use your beloved cheese?? I got my parents so good one year. I announced that I was pregnant at 15 or so. I thought they were going to die. It finally dawned on my Dad and I won the ultimate trick award. Oh the torture we give our parents!

Patti said...

I'm with Odat, Michael. You really had me going there.

I was near tears, I felt betrayed, yadda, yadda.

I am so glad it was just an April Fool's Day HOAX.

Please don't scare me like that ever again. ;-)

silverneurotic said...

Oh hell, I was getting ready to disown you. I felt betrayed. Getting lied to-over stinking cheese!

I'm glad it was just an April Fool's Day prank though-you may now stay on my blog roll.

Natalie said...

I almost thought you were the most pathetic human being ever, getting people to like you and bond with you over cheese but being a fraud all along. I'm very glad to see it's foolin'. My boyfriend recently started medication that he can't have diary for two hours before or one hour after and with him always being hungry and everything in the house having cheese it can be hard.

Valerie said...

You had me going. I was all ready to commend you for your honesty, and then I realized, "wait a minute, it's April Fool's Day!" I scrolled down and, sure enough!!

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh My God.

This was the BEST April Fools day joke.....Ever.

I was freaking out that you didnt like cheese.

You TOTALLY "got me".

Nicely done!

meleah rebeccah said...

Claudia's comment is HYSTERICAL

Amy said...

I was truely feeling for you...because I am lactose intolerant...yes, it's hard...I love cheesy pizza...but the effects...not so much!

You got me!

magickat said...

I can't believe you would make a joke about cheese. That makes me sad. Eating helps. I'm going to go have a nice hunk of brie - that should do the trick.

Rat!

Ralph said...

Michael, being older I do remember brush cut host Bud Collyer and such luminaries as Kitty Carlisle and Peggy Cass. In black and white. No foolin'

Remember 'I've Got a Secret'?

Selma said...

You almost shattered my illusions completely. Thank God I can go back to the way I normally imagine you -eating a glorious chunk of cheddar with your little pearl-handled cheese knife sitting back on your Jimmy Choo pumps. Order has been restored!

Sizzle said...

I was about to KICK YOUR ASS since we have had email conversations about cheese.

Phew!

(I am really good at ass kicking by the way so you best be thanking your lucky stars.)

;)

Patti said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was not only fooled, but saddened.


I also watched "To Tell the Truth."

Hannah said...

That's a good one!

I love cheese. It's like a gift from God.

Do you remember that lottery commercial that was this slow pan of a cheese isle and the voice over said "and then it hit me....I could totaly buy all this cheese"
It was a good one.

Great post. You are very funny :)