Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Top Reasons You Know Your Are Sick

It's been like a week since I made a 'That's What She Said' joke to anyone.

You lie awake one night writing up practically an entire episode of the Office in your mind. And it’s about bowling. And then the next night you lie in bed trying to figure out how to produce a video sample of the script for Office executives using only your PEZ collection.

After not eating the entire day, you get out of bed at 3AM to make about two pounds worth of pasta topped with butter and parmesan cheese. You top that off with your last egg nog ice cream bar and finish off the great night by bringing it all back up in a very unexpected and unwanted ‘encore.’

While lying in bed, you think that it would actually be funny that the next time you are in the hospital (which of course is the most positive thought ever) that when your friends or family call you in your hospital room to see how you are doing, you are going to respond somewhat loudly by saying ‘well, the doctors say I should go home in a few days, but they are still concerned with my vaginal bleeding,’ just to see what the reaction will be of the other male patients sharing the room with you when they have to walk by you.

When your favorite driver wins the first NASCAR event of the season, you respond by saying ‘I’m going to bed’ instead of celebrating so loudly that your neighbors think you are reenacting America’s first Independence Day again.

While attempting to brush your teeth, you lose your balance and fall down against a wall in the bathroom. You respond by getting up and then falling down again. Then, uh, shoot, now I can’t remember how that one ended. Hey, how did that knot on the side of my head get there?

For breakfast one morning you decide to have a can of Vanilla Slim Fast. Since you are sick and it ‘doesn’t go down very smoothly,’ you catch yourself preparing to write a letter to the makers of Slim Fast demanding that they change the name of their product to ‘Insta-Phlegm.’

You have missed so many days of work that you have truly begun to forget what your office looks like. Oh wait, I may be confusing that with signs you have become deliriously happy.

You sit virtually motionless one day and watch documentaries on water buffalo milk, truck stops and building collapses in a row; most likely without blinking.

You have taken your temperature so many times that the battery has gone dead but it takes someone else pointing this out to you after standing in the same spot for over a minute and a half without the thermometer beeping. And after they do point that out to you? You stick the same thermometer in the other ear without even realizing it.

You are pretty sure you just spent 45 minutes in the shower but can’t recall actually washing anything.

You awaken one morning only to realize that you apparently wrote an entire blog post with the goal of seeing how many Bee Gees songs you could work into it. And if that isn’t bad enough by itself, you become furious when you realize you didn’t use that New York City Mining Disaster song, Tragedy or Nights On Broadway.


AndreAnna said...

Oh geez! Even though this was hysterical, I'm sorry you are sick. Mike was sick all week too - still is. Charlotte and I are fine. Weird.

The vaginal bleeding is great or you should try "The doctors said they never saw an Xray of a toy car in THAT area, but I should be fine"

brandy said...

Oh you poor thing. No TWSS jokes?!! This MUST be serious. Fingers crossed you feel better soon.

Patti said...

Sorry you've been so sick, Michael. GWS! (that's short for Get Well Soon!)

The "vaginal bleeding" line made me laugh out loud. Too funny.

Selma said...

So sorry you're not well. Another good one to use in hospital is : "What do you mean, Ebola?'

One night when I had a really high fever I watched 4 hours of the San Remo Song Festival without getting up from the couch. All I could say by the end of it was 'Ti amo, caro' over and over again. (Every song was a love song.)

Keep your fluids up, no dairy, and get plenty of rest. Sending you lots of (((((hugs)))))

chefmom said...

Feel better!! I personally think an entire episode of The Office with Pez people would be hysterical! And how bout saying to the Dr. " Oh, flesh eating disease, guess I shouldn't have switched pillows with the guy next door, in the middle of the night..Opps"

Anonymous said...

That's perfect. Ha. And I think that I was doing about half of those last week. Nice, eh?

Anonymous said...

I think you nailed it. Sorry you've been so sick!

Carrie said...

Oh good lord Michael! Go to bed! Get better!! Trust me; I'm a (student) nurse!

Cheryl Lage said...

Yipes Michael...and I thought I had it bad watching "Bunnytown" repeatedly on demand while our daughter held a Tupperware bowl to her face and deliberated whether or not she really had to "spit the icky" or not.

God bless you, My Brother. Get well soon!

meleah rebeccah said...

"finish off the great night by bringing it all back up in a very unexpected and unwanted ‘encore.’"

awwww.... you poor thing. Thats terrible.

But Id love to see the video of the script for Office executives using only your PEZ collection.

I could FILM it! he he he

The Exception said...

Oh... this was funny. I wish I had such a sense of humor when I am sick.

Do get better soon!! It just isn't the same at work without you! ;)

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Aww, feel better soon.

Romie said...

Some of those rang very true. I am a regular lurker here - thought I would just give you a little praise (sounds like you need it).