Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Top Ten (And A Half) Things Said Before Or After My Open-Heart Surgery

I had trouble today deciding what to write about. I had it down to two topics. First was the woman suing Wal-Mart for unspecified negligence because she slipped in vomit there. I have a possible reason for it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there was vomit lying around?

I also thought of writing about the fact that Yoko Ono ate meat from the Queen of England's favorite breed of dog to protest the Queen's husband's (or Prince to make it easier) killing of a fox. Really, first she ends the Beatles and now she eats dog meat?

See the problem is that after each of those punch lines (and let's be honest, they weren't that great to begin with) I could not come up with anything else and that would have made today's post very, very short. So, even though it's only two months old, I'm reposting the top ten (and a half) things that were said either before or after my open-heart surgery for valve replacement. This is one of my favorites because I wrote it in the bathroom of a hotel in the middle of the night while on vacation. See, I like saying that I wrote things in the hotel bathroom because it makes me sound like a rock star. Seriously, try it. Ok, here's the top ten (and a half) things said either before or after my open-heart surgery for valve replacement:

11. That saw isn’t dull, is it?

10. Now, when you cut out the old valve, you’ll wake me up so I can see it, right?

9. Oh, you say you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night?

8. Say, did you hear the one about the anesthesiologist who dated the narcoleptic?

7. When I run from now on, will I make sounds like Lee Majors in the Six Million Dollar Man or is that extra?

6. Doc, you did a great job. Let me buy you a steak. Oh, the cow is sacred to you? How about pulled pork then?

5. Does this new valve make me look fat?

4. Can I go home now? I’m starting to lap the old guys when I take my mandatory walks around the nurse’s station.

3. What do you mean you can’t find one of your surgical clamps?

2. Seriously, no one else hears that ticking sound?

And the number one thing said either before or after my open-heart surgery…

1. You’re working on my heart, so explain to me again why you have to put that tube up my…

20 comments:

Odat said...

Firstly, I'm ignoring the vomit stuff..ewww!
So I guess now I have to say secondly, I hope Yoko didn't eat a pug dog!!!!
Do I have to do a thirdly?
Well anyway...did the tube hurt while you were sitting in the bathroom writing this? :-)
Peace

Just telling it like it is said...

Okay, yes you have to have 16 french foley it is just part of the whole surgery thing.. I have had a mani Peni in my hands..who knew being a nurse would have such perks

Michael C said...

Odat: I had so many tubes in me I thought I was an old TV.

Just Telling: As bad as that was, the chest tube coming out was worse. Have you ever gotten to pull one of those babies out?? I felt like I was having the little monster in Alien (well, I guess it would actually be an alien, not a monster)coming out of me.

Jay said...

the ticking sound....

hah.

I mean, really, hah!

Michael C said...

Jay: It ticks all the time. Hopefully I'll be mistaken for a bomb some day. That would probably add some unexpected excitement to my day.

captain corky said...

1. You’re working on my heart, so explain to me again why you have to put that tube up my…

Brilliant! "Doc I'm completely fine with you ripping open my chest. but can you please explain to me one more time why you have to shove that tube where the sun doesn't shine"?

kat said...

I love #6. It's so subtle. It's the perfect joke.

Did you really have surgery on your heart? Is this another one of your silly jokes. You and Mist1 are two people that sometimes I can't tell if your posts are actually based on truth or not.

I would totally sue someone if I slipped in vomit. I would sue my husband if I slipped in his vomit I swear.

(Still laughing at #6)

Michael C said...

Captain: Thinking about it still makes me cringe!

Kat: Nope, the surgery part is all truth...and I really did offer to buy my doctor of another culture a steak.
;-)

Patti said...

these are so funny
Speaking strictly as a woman, I think # 5 is great.

Have you had any experience going through airport security since the surgery? You may have written about that and I missed it. Sorry in advance. ;-)

mist1 said...

I threw up a little bit at the Yoko Ono part.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Michael, I tagged you at my site.

Just telling it like it is said...

Lucky I haven't had to pull out a chest tube, but I have been pregnant (feels like an alien inside of you, moving all the time and having a belly that grows with out your control) so, I kinda know what you were feeling...still I am sorry for your pain...hopefully they gave you good pain medication

Michael C said...

Patti: I was stopped once was at the courthouse, but I had also forgotten to take my keys out of my pocket.

Mist1: Nice combination of my 2 lead stories ;-)

Silver; I know you did, I've got the bruise to show it.

Just: I think I'd take the pregnant part ;-)

Just telling it like it is said...

I don't know your belly is never the same with extra skin and stretch marks...wow that sounds so glamous doesn't it...
to my credit my stomach is still flat, you only can see the extra skin when I bend over...I know that is way too much information hu?

Michael C said...

Just telling: While that might be true, I can also assure you that your skin is never the same after two open heart surgeries, especially when the first one was when you were 3 and the scar grew with you ;-)

At least I'll never lose a 'comparing scars' competition, right? There's no such thing as TMI here ;-)

Just telling it like it is said...

that's right you win...what am I complaining about?...
Really I am glad that you are okay...I have been in open heart surgery (as a student nurse)and it I know is very painful and scary...I only wish you the best of recovery honestly...
and no worries I have no control of my TMI...I am unprofessionally professional by defalt!!!

Michael C said...

Just telling: No, I'm good. It'll be two years at the end of June. I can actually lift things now without starting to pass out...though it doesn't make it as much fun!

I like 'unprofessionally professional.' That's me at work!!

Patti said...

Will you need open heart surgery every 28 years?

I hope not.

kat said...

Wow I can't believe you have had heart surgery. That's craziness.

Michael C said...

Patti: I sure hope not!

Kat: Yep, twice and I got the scars to prove it.