Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Ooooh, Sweat Is Holy

People in Nepal were getting all hot and bothered (that’s a sweat joke, not a sex joke) over a stone idol this past weekend. Gheesh, I only went off-roading this weekend, which now seems, well, mundane (that’s a shameless shelf promotion/Carnival of the Mundane reference. Did I mention I’m hosting this Friday?). Apparently, when stone idols in Nepal begin to sweat, it’s a sign of impending doom. Wow, look how different our cultures are. When an idol sweats here, it’s usually a Wednesday night results show and they are standing next to Ryan Seacrest. Out! Sorry, had to.

What if, and I’m just going out on a limb here, someone had just washed the idol and forgot to dry a part of it? That would mean the sweat isn’t real and everyone in Nepal will be bracing for bad news that won’t be coming. Maybe that’s the best thing that could happen. Everyone will be on their best behavior in anticipation of the worst possible thing happening. Maybe it was an intentional act by the Nepalese (or Nepalian) government to get their people to act better. Granted, I have no idea how the Nepalites (just a guess) normally act, but what a great motivational tool.

I now find myself wishing that I had some tool like that at home or work. Perhaps I could convince my coworkers that when our wall of shame drips whiteout or something, it is a sign that we are about to get a horrible directive from upper management or that layoffs are coming. Then, I could come in early one morning (or maybe just pay someone else to) and apply the fortune telling whiteout to the wall. The ensuing panic would put everyone on their best behavior and the office would become a nice and peaceful place to work where everyone would speak in harmonious tones and other people would buy lunch and coffee for me. Yes, what a wonderful world it could be.

And it couldn’t come any sooner. Earlier today I told the lady I work with (who I refer to only by last name when talking to) that I was almost ready to call her by her first name, but because she gave me a hard time I was sticking with only using her last name even longer. And to drive my point home, I told her I was now going to say her last name really fast because she had become monosyllabic to me after taking her attitudinal tone with me. Now obviously this was kind of a joke, but it kind of wasn’t taken that way. Yes, we definitely need the office wall of shame to leak white out now. I guess I just can’t be on my best behavior without the fear of religious retribution, or cash.

The Nepal sweaty idol trick could also be used to my advantage at home as well. Lucy and Ethel adore their Cabbage Patch dolls. I could convince them that when their dolls cry real tears (or water from the fish tank) it is a sign that they need to behave or bad things will happen, like all of the cookies in the house will suddenly become carrots or the only channel that will work on the TV will be C-Span. No, the Speed Channel. Yes, that’s much better. The only problem with this grand scheme is that Lucy and Ethel at 4 ½ years old are far, far smarter than I could ever hope to become. Although, the one day that I could probably get this hoax to work on them would be wonderful. Maybe I can also convince them to do what I say. No, that’s just asking too much. I’d better happily stick to the Speed Channel thing. If I have to watch The Wiggles one more time, I just might take my own eyes.

Of course the sweating idol in Nepal (another great name for a rock band, by the way) could be attributed to all the rain they had over the weekend, but that’s just me. Yeah, I made that up. I have no idea what the weather was like in Nepal last weekend. Oh no, I gotta go. The Charlie Brown on my desk just coughed up syrup. I wonder what that means…a sticky situation is on the horizon perhaps.

BIG OLE FAVOR ASKING/BEGGING/REMINDER TIME: I am this Friday’s host for the Carnival of the Mundane (pronounced Carn-E-Vahl if you want to feel important). Mundane seems like a good fit for me, so I figured I’d give it a go. If you are willing to write something mundane about any aspect of summer (like Spring or Winter or sunshine or used needles on beaches or SPF numbers) on your blog Friday, please let me know and I’d be glad to link to it. Just email me and I’ll get you all the details.



Odat said...

I preface this by apologizing to the Nepalese...but....what a crock!


PS..I'll participate in the mundane thing...email me the details...somehow I can't email you from this location....

My heart runneth over... said...

First OH MY GOD! Greg Brady's chest from there trip to Hawaii!!! I love it! :)

Your first idols look like fred flinstone vitamins.. i know this because...nevermind... i just know this! lol

Either way.. sweating idols.. are never a good thing... lol


mist1 said...

Kids still play with Cabbage Patch dolls.

Lizza said...

Michael, I think everyone in Southeast Asia is sweating now -- idols and real people alike. It's so darned hot! I don't know what all the accumulated sweat bodes for the rest of the world, though.

I'll participate in your Mundane Carn-E-Vahl)! Goody goody.

Michael C said...

Odat: You're only telling the truth. I don't think there is any need to apologize ;-)

My Heart Runneth Over: I was afraid people would think that was Greg Brady's chest. It's actually mine. If you look real hard you can see my chest scar. Yep, I'm most definitely kidding.

Mist: 'Play' is a very specific term. It's more like drag them around, use them for a Kleenex and to wipe up pills and then as a subsitute for a baseball.

Lizza: It sounds like a lot of bad is coming. Thanks for participating in the Carn-E-Vahl. If you need info, just let me know.

kat said...

You're such a silly writer I love it.

What is also funny is how it seems like you want quick fix gadgets for everything. Patches, idols... but truthfully it is genius and if it can be done I hope I can buy this shit.

Is there really a Charlie Brown on your desk? Awesome!

Michael C said...

Kat: Thanks! I tend to dream a lot. Yes, there is a Charlie Brown on my desk...and a Shrek...and a Gingy...and a Mater, 3 PEZ dispensers and a Yankee Bobblehead from the movie Everyone's Hero. Oh, and a USB lava lamp. I think that's everything

Jay said...

If doom is impending, I frankly hope they'll notify me via email or something. The sweating idol seems like an inferior means of communication.

Michael C said...

Jay: I agree. Where's the smoke or thunder or burning bushes?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

With Charlie Brown, almost anything is a disaster anyway. Syrup just means ants are coming!

Nice post. You might want to look up stone elephant idols that drink milk. Similar.

Patti said...

As long as your beloved PEZ dispensers don't start emitting fluids. ;~)
Interesting that you can get away with writing posts while at work. My advice is don't get caught.

P.S. What's a Mater and a Gingy?

P.P.S. I have lots of small plastic Snoopys. You could have one to go with Charlie Brown for your desk.

captain corky said...

Remember the time you wore one of those around your neck and had that vicious surfing accident?

I'm sorry, I just can't help myself Michael.

Michael C said...

Lone Grey: I will look elephant idols that are lactose tolerant ;-)

Patti: Shhh, about the work thing ;-)
Mater is the Tow Truck from 'Cars' and Gingy is the gingerbread man from 'Shrek.' How pathetic do I look now?

Captain: Ha!!!!!

Patti said...

oh I loved 'Shrek' but that detail escaped my memory.
Didn't see 'Cars'
Mater means mother. A mother truck?

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I wrote something for you last night. I'll post it Thursday and send you the link. Cheers!

Michael C said...

Patti: Mater was a tow truck, a really rusty, old tow truck.

Silver: Thanks so much!

Erica AP said...

Sweating is gross. I glisten.

Michael C said...

Erica Ap: I bead...is that comparable??

Patti said...

glistening is more feminine, I'd say

Michael C said...

Patti: Then I definitely don't glisten ;-)