Monday, May 14, 2007

Lunch With The Guys…For Possibly The Last Time

Ever done something you knew you were going to regret even as you were doing it? Of course you have…and so have I. With Female Coworker not at work today, all the guys figured we’d go out to lunch, eat, be slobs and talk about guy stuff like where we bought our ties and the great sale on dress pants at Kohl’s. Yeah, I’m kidding. We were going to talk about radial tires, the best type of ballpoint pens and the newly stocked sodas in our vending machines.

Well, that was until be went to the fast food joint that has served a lot of people (like billions) and has certain yellowish colored arches (you can never be too safe in the litigation happy state I live in). The guys ordered their burgers and fries and sat at the booth with their serving trays. When I sat down, I noticed that all conversation stopped. It’s funny how quickly my thoughts went from wondering if they had been telling a joke about me to noticing that they were staring at my food…or more to the point, the containers my food was in. The next thing I heard was someone say ‘Dude, is that a Happy Meal,’ followed by the kind of intense laughter that I hope would only be associated with someone reading my blog. Despite the two happy meal cartons in my hands, I fumbled for a decent excuse but all that came out was ‘uh, I got two cups here, anyone want an extra Coke,’ followed by ‘check her out.’ This was easily the worst thing I could have said because when all the guys turned around, all they saw was a 70-year old hunch backed grandmother that I obviously had failed to see. Yep, my important social standing at work was now over. In the office, my name would forever by synonymous with Kiddy Meals and not-so-hot grandma lust.

Obviously one cannot overcome a social set back like that. Defeated and disgraced, I took my place in our booth and tried to steer the course of the discussion by asking ‘can you believe what Female Coworker did on Friday.’ My course correction failed as the answer I received was ‘well, at least she doesn’t eat Happy Meals and ogle the elderly.’ Clearly, it was time to eat. I reached into my Happy Meals and noticed that I got the same toy in each. So now, not only had I disgraced myself in front of my male counterparts, but Lucy and Ethel would be upset that they both had the same toy. My mind raced with my options. My coworkers noticed this so I explained that these were Shrek Toys and would look great on my desk. Judging by the look on their faces, I clearly should have gone with option 2, which was ‘the twins love Shrek.’ Who figured that would have been the excuse that worked.

So, I did what any father who is completely controlled by his two young daughters would do. I asked the girl at the register if I could exchange one of the Shrek toys for a different one so I would not have two of the same because I had twins (while all of my ex-friends from work laughed and snickered in the background). She said, ‘yeah, but wouldn’t your kids each want to have the same toy so they wouldn’t fight over them?’ I just smiled and said ‘not my two girls.’ If I had only stopped there. I followed that by saying ‘seriously, they’re not for me.’ Have you ever gotten that yeah, sure buddy look, because that’s the one I got.

After about fifteen minutes of not-so gentle ribbing at my expense, the guys became like animals that have beaten, killed and partially eaten their prey only to become bored with it. They moved on to trying to find the restaurant’s (and I’m using that loosely) calorie breakdown. We found it and then went down the list of all the calories associated with this place’s food. Let’s just say my meal came to a premature end when I realized that everyone had focused on what I was eating and how it had the most combined calories, though I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on their part. We noticed in the corner of the eatery that a management team was reviewing their numbers and the cleanliness of the facility. They all decided to eat while we were there, so of course we paid great attention to what they were eating with our handy little calorie list. Yep, just as we had figured. It was salads all the way around. We wanted to ask them what was wrong with the burgers but for some reason I’m still not clear on, decided against it.

I got back to work and took solace in the fact that while I was completely humiliated and the story was already spreading throughout the office, at least I had done something special for my little girls. Well, that was until the twins called me at work. Just guess where Lucy and Ethel’s grandparents took them for lunch. And just guess what they got in their little kiddy meals…

18 comments:

Jay said...

Well, maybe now you've learned an important lesson in WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE.

My heart runneth over... said...

Well you get my Vote For Dad of the Year! I am sure Lucy and Ethel will love this story as much as I have.

Sad to say, I also eat a happy meal jsut so I can get the toy...
Only problem is, the toy is for me not having a Lucy or an Ethel for myself. So proudly sit's Dory the fish from the Disney movie that I so love right on my desk for all too see.

Bravo Dad! Please print your blog entry so when Lucy and Ethel are old enough they will have stories like this one to be grateful for a great Dad! :)

All the best,
M

Patti said...

Lucy and Ethel are lucky to have a dad like you!
If there are 4 character toys all the same, take the opportunity to teach them about quadruplets.

mist1 said...

I love Shrek. Probably not enough to get a Happy Meal.

Odat said...

so, you do have them on your desk, don't you???? hehe....
Peace

(I loved both Shrek movies, particulary the music...i have the CD to the first one and play it all the time)

Peace

Michael C said...

Jay: The line has definitely been drawn

My Heart Runneth Over: Thanks! My favorite (I mean the twins' favorite) Happy Meal Toy is Mater from 'Cars.' I will print this story so that the first night I give the girls a curfew for a date, they will remember how nice I was ;-)

Patti: Just the use of the word Quads, or even multiples, scares me dizzy ;-)

Mist: Shrek is a favorite of me and the twins. In fact, I recently taught them 'Escape (The Pina Colada Song) from the first movie.

Odat: Yes, I did unwrap them and put them on my desk. Then I got sad and realized I had to bring them home. You know me too well!!

Violet said...

Hmmm...I'm surprised no-ones given you shit for being a wrinkly-chaser.

captain corky said...

"Have you ever gotten that yeah, sure buddy look, because that’s the one I got".

LOL! Michael likes old chicks and plays with toys.

Terri said...

the best laid plans....

my daughter LOVES Shrek and I so would have done the same thing. Do the co-workers have kids? If so then they aren't very thoughtful daddies or else they wouldn't have made fun; they'd understand. And as far as duplicate toys - its a must! Lucy and Ethel will love having multiples.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

It'll all be forgotten when you get your Father's Day cards and hugs. Your my hero.

Alison said...

Did you get a burger or YellowArchesNuggets? Do they give you yogurt, like they do in France? Were there apple slices or fries? Inquiring minds want to know.

Michael C said...

Violet: If I'd only seen the lady in front of me, I never would have said that...really.

Captain: That's about what I heard all day yesterday. LOL!!

Terri: As fas as duplicate toys, let's just say I'll probably go back there today ;-)

Lone Grey: I like the sound of that!

Alison: It was all the bad stuff like fries and nuggets.

My Reflecting Pool said...

great story, laughed all the way through.

Natalie said...

SO you can put them on the desk after all. Lucky you!

Lee said...

Men are rough with each other. What possessed you?

Postmodern Sass said...

McDonald's? Are you talking about McDonald's? What lawyer?

Didn't the cashier tell you that you can buy the toys separately? Without having to suffer the indignity of purchasing (never mind consuming) a Happy Meal?

Evil, evil McDonald's cashier!

Michael C said...

Postmodern Sass: Shhhh, don't say the 'M' word, please?

I learned just today that I could buy them separately...and I did my the bucket full ;-)

CS said...

Why on earth didn't you lead with "Lucy and Ethel are going to love these." Could have saved yourself a lot of grief and would have avoided the whole grandma incident.