Monday, May 21, 2007

Patch It Up, Baby

Sorry, that’s an obscure reference to a song from Elvis’ semi-country period. Combing the annals (or perhaps anus) of the calendar, I discovered this morning that today is ‘I Need A Patch For That Day.’ I keep promising myself that I’m going to try to come up with more original daily posts, but when I see a holiday like this, I just can’t help it. Of course, this means that I’ll end up spending the rest of the day singing the old Clarence Carter classic, ‘Patches.’ You remember… ‘Patches, I’m depending on you son…’

While I have been subjected to medical inducements ranging from stomach tubes, to chest tubes, to IVs, to regular pills, I have never gotten the pleasure of receiving meds from a patch, unless you count the emergency room electrical shocks that have been delivered to me through very big patches that burn and take off a layer or two of epidermis when removed. I used to have patches on my jeans, but that served no medicinal purpose, other than ensuring that my friends would make fun of me on the elementary school playground. I can assure you that I will never get to try a birth control patch, unless I get really bored and want to stir up my hormonal balance. I will also probably never get to try a stop-smoking patch, so I can only hope that make a patch for me one day.

Hopefully the big medical companies will come across this because I could really use some help. The first patch I wish they would make would be one that is applied to the back of the neck and is used for controlling what comes out of the mouth. Of course, the patch could just be placed squarely over the mouth, but that isn’t a very attractive option and it would immediately signal to all you meet that you have a tendency to say stupid things. That type of revelation should usually be reserved for after someone has gotten to know you. The ‘talk-smart’ patch would force the brain to evaluate what is being said and would provide enough of a delay and analysis so that things could no longer ‘slip out’ when you might otherwise speak without thinking. Hopefully the patch could be engineered to deliver meds in 24-hour cycles because I’m not sure whether I would need this patch more at home or at work.

Then there’s the ‘action-x’ patch, which would prevent me from doing stupid things. The use of this patch would help me avoid a lot of trouble, like helping me refrain from posting pictures for all to see of how poorly my coworker parks or my regular AM playing of ‘Take This Job and Shove it,’ which I play as regularly as the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’ is recited at school every morning. It’s the type of patch I could use for assistance in stopping me from placing my hand directly on the iron to make sure it’s hot enough to use or giving Lucy and Ethel Oreos in bed. I could have used the ‘action-x’ patch yesterday while I was weed whacking the yard in sandals while looking up at the planes flying overheard or when I always think that a waitress uttering the phrase ‘careful, this plate is very hot,’ is a challenge instead of a warning. Perhaps the ‘action-x’ would have made me think twice before I placed the stool Lucy and Ethel use to wash their hands in their sink right next to the toilet. I say this because apparently when one is four-years-old and sleepy and needs to use the facilities in the middle of the night, squatting down to use a stool (wow, I don’t like the sound of that) feels the same as squatting on a toilet. What’s the only obvious difference you ask? The stool doesn’t flush. Lastly, I would use the ‘action-x’ patch prior to cruising around while blasting Ronnie Milsap. Actually maybe a patch to help me accurately gauge what is cool would be more appropriate here.

I feel I have barely scratched the surface of what patches I need. Actually, they probably make a patch for scratching the surface as well. I could use a patch to help me accept my hatred of Mondays, patches that would make my padded little cubicle feel cozy and warm and a patch that would help me be more tolerant. Don’t worry, I don’t suffer from racial, ethnic, age, class or lactose intolerance, mine is much more serious. I suffer from Gordon intolerance. I hate Jeff Gordon. This disease has alienated me from many people, although when I stop to think about it, if someone roots for Jeff Gordon, they have no place in my life. See, I was just intolerant again. Sorry, I recognize I need help and I’m pretty sure that is the first step in dealing with it, unless the first step is denial, which in that case, I have no idea what you’re talking about and leave me alone!

I guess I should hope for a patch that makes me a better worker but working better would mean working more and that wouldn’t be as much fun and then I would need a ‘happy patch’ to cope. Also, a patch that allows me to eat a meal without melted cheese on top would be nice, as would a patch that makes me respond to Lucy and Ethel in a way other than, ‘sure, do whatever you want, just as long as I can hear you and you don’t tell your Mommy.’

So, if you are a patch dependent person or are hoping they make a patch for that special reason (whatever that may be…and don’t feel you need to share it), I wish you a Happy ‘I Need A Patch For That Day.’ I know what you’re thinking…when will they make a patch for dealing with stupid holidays. Let’s hope never; it’s just too much fun celebrating the completely obscure. Although eventually, maybe I’ll get gifts for one of these days. Remember: lobsters or money.

BIG OLE FAVOR ASKING TIME: I am this Friday’s host for the Carnival of the Mundane (pronounced Carn-E-Vahl if you want to feel important). Mundane seems like a good fit for me, so I figured I’d give it a go. If you are willing to write something mundane about any aspect of summer (like Spring or Winter or sunshine or used needles on beaches or SPF numbers) on your blog Friday, please let me know and I’d be glad to link to it. Just email me and I’ll get you all the details. What I’m really saying here is: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING FOR ME…PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. IF YOU DON’T HELP ME, I’LL NEED TO TAKE A PATCH TO DEAL WITH THE REJECTION.

18 comments:

Natalie said...

I think I need a patch that enables me to make patches that don't fall off things that I patch.

mist1 said...

I used to be addicted to patches. It got so bad that my friends and family had to coordinate an intervention for me. I agreed to go to rehab. The first day was the worst. They just ripped all the patches right off. They did it fast, not slow and gently. My skin was all sticky for another week or so because they couldn't give me any rubbing alcohol to take the gummy stuff off because since I wasn't wearing the alcohol patch anymore they were worried that I'd drink it.

I have a phobia of postage stamps because they remind me of a dark place in my life, but I'm working through it in therapy. I still go to a support group every now and then, but I'm pretty much recovered.

Sign me up for the Carnival.

Michael C said...

Natalie: That would be the patch equivalent of the skelton key, I think.

Mist: You may win for longest comment. I'm glad they were able to get you off the patches...it sounded like a very sticky situation.

In a somewhat related turn of events, last week after literally hundreds of blood tests, I found out that they have a rubberized tape to put over the cotton swab after taking blood which isn't adhesive. All the pain and skin and hair loss later. I guess better late than never.

kat said...

"a patch that allows me to eat a meal without melted cheese on top would be nice"

I need this patch. Desperately. I put motherfucking cheese on almost everything. I crave cheese, specfically melted gooy cheese. It's an illness. Send me the patch.

Alison said...

Can I get a motivation patch? And an anti-bassackwards patch?

Michael C said...

Kat: Why are the best things so bad for us? Mmmmmmmm, melted cheeeeeeese...

Michael C said...

Alison: Wow, I need both of those. I can deal without the motivation, provided I'm not falling bassackwards into everything in life!
;-)

Odat said...

OMG I can't do patches!! I'm allergic to the adhesive!!! So I'll never, ever be able to celebrate "I Need a Patch for That" Day..... ;-(
Peace

C said...

Oh good heavens and all that ... please sign me up for Mundane Friday Cirque du Soleil. I don't want you to seek rejection patches.

Michael C said...

Odat: Oh, that's not good. Sorry ;-)

C: Thanks!!!!! No patches this week then.

mist1 said...

I didn't understand that there was a contest running for longest comment. If you had let me know this in advance, I would have put some effort into it. I would have commented about something that I could really expound upon. You know, like my new carpeting or something.

While I recognize that carpeting has little to do with patches, I think that in some ways, carpeting is much like a patch only for my ugly floors. It is drab and boring and I can't believe that I can feel this strongly about something so drab. I wonder what I was thinking when I said "I'll take it! Can you install it tomorrow?"

Now I need a rug. I'll save that for another comment, although it does seem to fit in nicely here as an area rug is much like a patch for drab carpeting.

Michael C said...

Mist: Yep, you win! Have you considered hardwood or tile? I've often been particular to sawdust, but when you turn a fan on, you tend to lose coverage. Sand might be a nice alternative and definitely a great conversation piece.

captain corky said...

I remember when THE patch and A cup of coffee rueld my life. Now only coffee does. It was a brutal divorce. I wanted to go with the patch but the courts wouldn't let me.

Michael C said...

Captain: It's probably best that you are ruled by only one thing. I have multiple chains and can barely make my own decisions. Do they make a patch for that??

Patti said...

Can I get an organization patch? As in becoming a neat and organized person despite the CLUTTER that currently surrounds my computer and, by extension, me.

You are one cool dad to give your twins Oreos in bed. They must love it when you are in charge! ;~)

My Reflecting Pool said...

I think the patch you want is phentanol. But there is limited access to it. How about for mundane, being sooooo boring, you cant even name your car? Mine is up.

Erica AP said...

I had a dog called "Patches" once. Ok - I lied. I never had a dog when I was little. Do they have patches for lying??

Michael C said...

Patti: A cool dad is my only coolness...trust me ;-)

My reflecting pool: thanks! I think not being able to name your car makes you normal.

Erica AP: Let's hope they have lying patches. I need one for work.