Monday, May 28, 2007

Tell Me Again Why We Thought This Was A Good Idea…

First off, Happy Memorial Day to everybody. Secondly, unless I can say second off, this will probably be my last blog post. There’s also a very good chance that today will be my last day on this nice little planet. Why you ask? Well, I fully expect to be killed fairly early tomorrow morning. I’m no fortuneteller, but I can say that the time of my death will be approximately 8:34 AM.

See, that’s usually around the time that Female Coworker arrives at work and gets situated in her office. When she does that tomorrow, she will notice the ‘truly good natured prank that went awry’ that Mr. Coworker and I played on her in her absence Friday afternoon. The later it got at work Friday, the more bored we got. It became so bad that when Mr. Coworker approached me and asked if I wanted to play a prank on Female Coworker, I was in the middle of licking stamps to see if I could detect even the slightest of flavor differences among the various priced pieces of postage. Naturally, I said sure. It was at that exact moment that the great king of symbolic imagery hammered the last nail into my symbolic coffin.

Mr. Coworker’s prank idea was innocent enough. We were just going to turn a wall map and a calendar on her padded cubicle walls upside down. Surely the price for that would have been a broken arm or busted nose at the hands of Female Coworker. We knew those risks and were willing to accept them. Being the chronic overachievers that we are (well, not at work), we kept going. I say we, but the idea was mine. Basically every inch of Female Coworker’s walls have something on them and now every one of those items is upside down. Again, if we had stopped there, the penalty would have been the loss of an eye or a blow to the head with a blunt instrument. However, caught up in the excitement, I again insisted we keep going. We turned all of the family pictures on her desk upside down, her phone upside down, all of her desk supplies, her trash can and her in and out boxes (which didn’t make our secretaries too thrilled) upside down. It really was the master prank, but then that’s the risk you take when you are bold enough not to be in the office for the Friday of a three-day weekend.

It’s no stretch to say that we fear Female Coworker. Nor is it a stretch to say that she could (and now will) easily destroy us with her bare hands. As the hours went on Friday, I began having severe doubts about the prank we had played. I came to grips with the fact that it would be my last weekend alive and I hadn’t even seen Lucy and Ethel grow up yet, I can’t find my other blue sock, I’m still working on my musical version of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ with Squiggy playing Horschack, I’ve never eaten fries with gravy on top and I still haven’t found the gopher ruining my backyard. Clearly, I had a lot to live for. Mr. Coworker and I made a pact that we would do whatever we could to prevent each other from going back in and undoing the prank. Clearly, the thrill and the fear forged a bond that made Mr. Coworker and I much closer. Well, at least until the clock struck 5.

While the bond may have strengthened, cracks began to show. When I proudly photographed her office to have a permanent record of our tomfoolery (I have been waiting 323 posts to use that word), Mr. Coworker mocked my brilliance for having taken images of our crime. He said that it would make it much easier for HR to bust us. I told him to relax and that no one would know where on my hard drive I had saved the photos I took, which had been placed in a folder called ‘Office Redecoration.’ Oops, forget that last sentence. A little later in the day as other people began milling around Female Coworker’s office amazed at our feat of ‘prankness,’ Mr. Coworker began distancing himself from some of the things we overturned. We were brothers in arms suffering under the stress and weight of our responsibilities.

We recognized that we were turning against each other and did the one thing comrades do when the battle becomes too intense. We walked across the street to Dairy Queen to get ice cream and praise each other for what we had done. We ended our triumphant, albeit last Friday by laughing, recalling the tales of our adventure, accepting our imminent deaths at the hand of our coworker and yes, writing our statements to HR knowing that we would be asked for them Tuesday morning prior to our executions.

If you email me, I’ll be sure to save you something in my will. And now, I must take my leave of you to enjoy my final sunset and sunrise. My premature departure is sad, but I guess when it’s our time to go, there’s nothing we can do to change it. Don’t feel bad for me. I knew the risks; I accepted them and am ready to face my fate. Besides, the timing of my impending death couldn’t be better. I haven’t finished the big report due for my boss tomorrow morning.

28 comments:

captain corky said...

"I’m still working on my musical version of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ with Squiggy playing Horschack"

NO!!! You must complete the musical before you go. This is where I expect to find the meaning of life.

ian said...

Well, if you gotta go, at least it was for something memorable like turning stuff in a coworker's cubicle upside-down.

This isn't the same one who you said you liked her previous hairstyle before, is it? *cringe*

Ya know, turning stuff upside is a pretty novice trick as far as pranks go.

Shrink wrap everything, including individual paper clips inside her desk. That's a good one. Cover every available horizontal surface (including desk, computer, chair, and floor) with Dixie cups filled with different colors of Gatorade. Spring-loaded packing peanut bombs in all the drawers.

Just a thought.

Ian

Odat said...

Oh boy! Even tho she may laugh someday....if I were her..I'd murder ya too!....Well michael, it's been real! ;-)
Peace
(emailing you now to see what i get!)

Michael C said...

Captain: In that case, I'd better get it done tonight.

Ian: Yeah, sadly, it's the same Female Coworker...

Odat: Thanks for your friendship. You can have my Shrek Happy Meal toys, if you'd like...

Oh...and my Monkees CD, too ;-)

brandy said...

Besides your upcoming death, I'm shocked you've never had gravy on fries before. Seriously, your last meal on Earth before you face the wage of woman with a messy cubicle should include fries with the gravy on top. Here's hoping your female coworker shows some mercy while killing you and that the bright light comes quickly.

Michael C said...

Brandy: Yeah, I should've had those fries sooner. Let's just hope that the light I see tomorrow morning is actually a bright, nice, warm and inviting one.

abbagirl74 said...

Yeah, I would be a mad bitch too if someone "touched" all of my things. Hopefully she will laugh about it. I doubt it though. It was nice knowing you.

Michael C said...

Abbagirl: You know, the more comments I get, the more I'm starting to worry...

kat said...

Oh my GOD that is the best thing ever! Once when I worked in a vet's office he decided to take the day off on a Friday and made the entire staff come in for no reason. We decided to turn everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - upside down. From photos on the wall to medicine bottles to scales to you name it.

When we came in on Monday, EVERYTHING was restored to it's original position. He never ever ever said one word about it.

Bizarre.

(But I hope you face the same fate rather than get in trouble)

Michael C said...

Kat: Yes, that would be nice. I also forgot about all the pictures I have up on my walls of the twins. Hopefully I beat Female Coworker into the office tomorrow morning.

My Reflecting Pool said...

I have a feeling you will live. However, I don't doubt she'll get you back! Can't wait to hear how!

KAISER SCOTT said...

OHH FAIR I GET THE MONKEES COMPACT DISC MATE SINCE I DO A KILLER DAVY JONES ACCENT....ITS BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU

ShadowFalcon said...

Female co-worker sounds like my kinda girl but surely she'll be too busy laughing to kill you ...won't she?

Just telling it like it is said...

First of all I would like to say that it was nice reading your comments on Mist1 blog. Secondly since yesterday was your last day on earth I would like to pay my omages to you since I have only read your lastest blog I can't pay much but it is something and I would like to say that I am very impressed with the work tomfoolery...as I can't neither spell, use proper grammer or read...but I was very impressed is all am saying...

Just telling it like it is said...

ahhh that was word...not work but then again I already told you I can't spell...

Michael C said...

My Reflecting Pool: I literally woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. I DON'T WANNA DIE!!

Scott: I'll get it to you at work tomorrow...do you want my James Bond sountrack, too?? ;-)

Shadow: If I don't hear laughing then I'm running far, far away!

Just Telling It Like It Is: Thanks for stopping by. Your're welcome to come back assuming I don't die shortly...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Oh, Michael, foolish, rash, Michael....we hardly knew you.

If she is kind enough to offer yopu a formal execution instead of just going postal, ask for fries with gravy on top and cheese for your final meal. Go into the light with a full stomach.

I think you are the best! Do I inherit anything?

mist1 said...

Depending on how much you lick a stamp, each one is 1.5 to 3 calories. I can't risk that. I buy diet stamps. They are self-adhesive.

Michael C said...

Lone Grey: You can inherit my blog, if you'd like.

Mist: The self-adhesive/diet thing is just too genius for me to even attempt a witty reply!

Female Coworker said...

You are soooooo busted. The nerve. Just dont leave me alone here in the office. Paybacks come when you least expect. I suppose you never thought I would take a look at your blog... Well I did. I took the time and did..... no more comments.

Michael C said...

FC: Oh no, this isn't a good development....

Patti said...

OMG I am soooo glad I didn't read your blog yesterday Michael. I never would have gotten to sleep last night knowing that one of my favorite bloggers was about to see his last sunset/sunrise.
It's late Tuesday morning now where you are and I am hoping against hope that your female coworker has a sense of humor and lets you live.

P.S. Just in case, I would like the PEZ dispensers, if they are not already called for.

Cece said...

I hope I'm not too late! I don't want to see you go!

Michael C said...

Patti: I had already marked the PEZ dispensers for you. Please take care of my Homer Simpson one - he holds a special place in my heart.

Cece: It's getting dicey here ;-)

Patti said...

You posted again...you're still with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

You really have to stop listening to that rock 'n' roll...you are beginning to act like a rock star on coke destroying his hotel room trying to find any stray cocaine lines he missed.

CS said...

I see from the next post you made it through. Great prank though - no actual poprty damage, just funny.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

now see michael i would have thought this was funny had it happened to me! i like jokes. she needs a better sense of humor!

smiles, bee