Tuesday, June 17, 2008

This Idea Smells Like…(A Repost?)

I wrote this almost a year ago when the 2008 Olympics were a mere gold, silver and bronze twinkle in China's eye awaiting consummation and riots and international concern. But now, all that fun is just over a month away. Oh boy, I just can't wait. It's been so long (that's what she said) since I got to watch and cheer my favorite Olympic sport - CURLING!!! Wait, that's a Winter Olympic sport? Oh dammit.

I came across an AP story this morning about yet another aspect of the 2008 Olympic Games in China. Simply put, an organization in China is preparing to make Olympic souvenirs like little Olympic trophies depicting Pandas taking part in various Olympic Sports. Ok, that’s a cute idea, but the souvenirs will be made out of (wait for it)…PANDA DUNG. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, come again? Yep, Panda DUNG! Yesiree, not only would you be lucky enough to attend the Olympic Games in China, but you could take home some lovely molded Panda ‘Passings’ to remember the event. I am actually booking my flight right now! Thanks Expedia!!!!

The story says that the souvenirs would mostly be made out of things like undigested bamboo found in the Panda dung and that it would be sterilized. Apparently Pandas don’t digest bamboo very well (I guess it’s kind of their version of ‘in corn/out corn’). I’m sure there is some eco-friendly benefit from doing this, but what it all comes down to is that you would be buying Panda feces made pretty. I realize that Pandas are cute and rare and endangered, but it doesn’t mean that their dung is too. I realize that's a harsh statement from someone who has never seen Panda dung, but I feel pretty secure in my assumptions this time (and we all remember what assumptions are, right? Brave guesses with a total disregard for any factual basis. But the key word you should remember is 'brave'). Isn’t the white Rhino or some other animal like that endangered as well? Have you seen what comes out of an animal like a Rhino? What’s next play-desserts made out of cow pies? Will there soon be hair care products on the market made of camel spit? Or how about hand lotion made of bird regurgitant? Seriously, I thought regurgitant would be a real word.

This all sounds like a really, uh, crappy idea. How do you put something like that on a resume? Obviously you want to dress up the description of any job you have ever had, but how do you describe this one? Are you a ‘Fecal Matter Recycling Expert?' Do your duties include ‘cleansing of Panda dung for preparation for consumer consumption?’ How about ‘Panda Waste Artist?’ And really, what job does this qualify you for? Do you look at the guys that follow behind horses in parades with buckets and shovels as the internship or training grounds for Panda Waste Artists? Do the Fecal Engineers in training practice honing their skills on Play-Doh or modeling clay or worse yet, pet waste? What does a job like this pay? What are the benefits and are gloves provided at no expense? Is the pay scale related to the relative size of animal’s waste? Is there hazard pay for the really big animals?

You know, I have a fairly large dog. The dog likes to eat and obviously requires cleaning up after. I’m just sayin’…

Let it be known that I would be more than willing to sell Mabel’s byproducts to a company wanting to make little sculptures of the characters on the Office or little NASCAR replicas. I mean, if it’s such a good idea and all why not cash in while the money's good?. Talk about unlimited supply potential here. I mean have you ever been to a zoo?? Or a dairy? Or an aviary? Heck, we need to figure out how to make energy or fuel outta this stuff!

Since I’m now to the point where I can really do nothing other than make crappy bad jokes, I should stop before I really stink up the joint. Besides, I need to start working on a new cologne using the essence of skunk…

10 comments:

cmk said...

This is something I did not know. I'm sure I am not happy knowing it now. Unbelievable.

Alison said...

What, you haven't heard of Ellie Poo stationery?

Eva said...

You had me at "in corn/out corn."

Selma said...

Imagine trying to explain that when you're at the airport and the customs officers ask you if you've anything to declare. 'Uh, just a bit of panda dung.' They'll think it's a new drug about to hit the streets!

Patti said...

I'd love to be able to cash in and sell the "clumps" from my cats. With two of them using the litter box it gets plenty "clumpy."

The ideas you give me..

Employee No. 3699 said...

You should so go for it. I can hear the kids screaming for it now, "I want some Zoo Poo! I want some Zoo Poo now!"

Parents will be lined up outside stores at 4:00 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving in hopes of finding some for their child.

Disadvantage kids will be stealing piles from the neighbors' yards to make their own...

I can see it now.

Mel Heth said...

A couple years ago, I bought a notebook made of elephant poop at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. It's made by the Poo Poo Paper Company. And it didn't even stink.

Ironically, I used it to make a scrapbook for my ex-boyfriend who happens to be a big piece of crap.

sari said...

I'm literally (truly and really) sitting here wearing a panda shirt right now thinking "I love pandas, but...eww....!!"

And no, it's not a kung-fu panda shirt, I've had it for a long time. ;-)

meleah rebeccah said...

I can honestly say, I dont think you have ever made a BAD JOKE

Janna said...

If you really cared about your readers, you would offer each and every one of them a lucite paperweight with a chunk of your own dung inside.
Eat lots of cheese beforehand.