Sunday, June 08, 2008

A Slow Pitch Right Down The Middle

I should go ahead and tell you that this is a repost. I know it's a horrible thing to do for a Sunday or Monday (depending on when you read this), but to make up for it, I can offer you a new new podcast to listen to. Besides, I have to think of something memorable to do for my next post on Monday night, which will be my 600th.

Feel free to offer suggestions because after 599 posts, I am running out of things to write about. As proof of that, I offer the fact that I almost posted my confession of love for home water filtration today instead of this repost. Fortunately I realized ahead of time that it would have been a 'Pur' mistake to do so. Hmmm, have I written about cheese lately? That always goes over well....

When you get your inspiration from making fun of odd news stories, it doesn’t get any easier than this: A woman with the last name of Butts was accused of stealing toilet paper from an Iowa Courthouse. Ok, it could have been just a little better; her last name could have been something like Wipey. Yeah, I would pay someone with the last name of Wipey to steal toilet paper. Hey, what about Hiney? Hiney would be good too.

What I can’t figure out is why someone with such a ‘touchy’ or ‘sensitive’ last name as Butts would ever try to steal toilet paper, let alone steal it from a hall of justice, how cheeky. Sorry. Couldn’t she think of better booty to loot? Now she’ll be the butt of many jokes, although she probably already is. I can think of a few of my own to well, crack. Of course, I would never make them directly to someone with the last name of Butts because I wouldn’t want to look like an ass. I guess in hindsight, I already do.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the stealing thing. It has to be on par with stealing a candy bar from a police station vending machine. I wanted to say stealing donuts from a donut shop, but that’s too obvious so I decided to glaze right over it and just sprinkle it in there. I don’t like to leave holes in my stories. Maybe the Butts family could open a cigarette shop or sell a certain prosthesis? But…which body part? How about chins? My favorite is the cleft chin, like the one I possess. Some folks refer to that as a butt-chin, although that should probably be a different tale.

I guess I have come to the end. I really have no other point to make. I’ve already come up with every angle of this story that I could. Unfortunately, I can be anal that way. So, I’ll wrap it up now. In hindsight, this could be my shortest post ever but it will allow me more time to cook dinner tonight. For some reason, I'm thinking of either rump roast or, yes you guessed it, pork butt, which isn’t what you’d think it is. I think it comes from the shoulder. Although in some animals, the definition of shoulder can be very broad…You know what, I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Or am I behind?

13 comments:

Michele said...

I think you are behind, but pork butt sounds very good!! It's the best part!

Too bad for that lady though, a most unfortunate item to steal in an unfortunate place. Not sure why one would choose to steal from the courthouse, butt, she must have had her reasons. I bet she is the butt of many jokes amongst the employees. (

Okay that was bad, butt I couldn't come up with anything witty, as you already stole the good lines..)

Patti said...

I agree you stole every possible joke line here.
And I certainly don't want to say anything ass-inine.

This may be a repost, but I don't seem to recall it, so it was new for me.

Sunshine said...

I was up against a girl in the county fair queen contest (it's OK, I'll wait for you to stop laughing) and her last name was BUTT.

Most.Unfortunate.Last.Name.Ever.

It might have helped if she was like a total hottie.

But, um, not so much.

Eva said...

Boy, she really did make an ass of herself, didn't she? (Sorry, you really did use them all up. Left none of them for us to comment with! Stingy Stingerson!)

Just telling it like it is said...

When you say anal you don't even want to know where my fingers have been...
Congrads on your 600 post!! Yahoo
I get your humur and it is nice to know that there are other's out there like me...
Good luck on tues..and please please let me know how everything goes I will be worried..something totally out of my control...but I will pray for you!! as I know that you will be okay!!!

Momo Fali said...

Ms. Butts is a real ass.

Linda~ said...

Is her husband's name Seymour and is a proctologist? (HeHe)

Linda~

meleah rebeccah said...

even your re-posts rock. I am so listening to the podcast as soon as I get out of my office this afternoon.

FRIGGA said...

eeww, that was gross! Okay, I didn't re-read the re-post, but the picture is gross 8-\

Happy Monday! :)

Mel Heth said...

You should win an award for most butt-related references in a single blog. Congrats on hitting 600! That's something for me to ASSpire to.

On a limb with Claudia said...

Hey, I stopped by to wish you Good Luck tomorrow. ((hug)) you are in my prayers.

Janna said...

My paternal grandmother's maiden name was "Butts".
I don't think she ever stole toilet paper, though.
Or, maybe she did, and she just didn't tell the HOLE family.
Which is a good thing, because we certainly would have raised a STINK.

TroyBoy said...

That was punfully painful!