It Sure Sucks To Be Pluto

Remember the big hubbub (can I still be cool if I use that word) about the demolition, I mean demotion of Pluto last year? I wrote about it, as did many others. The poor celestial body was stripped of its planet status and reclassified as a smaller object. Well, it turns out that another nearby moon was found by the Hubble Telescope to be bigger than Pluto. So now not only does Pluto have to suffer the indignity of losing its planet hood, but it’s not even the biggest of the new ‘dwarf planets.’ If they keep finding more of these moons out there, we’ll be referring to them as Pluto and the Seven Dwarves. Admit it; you knew that was coming… I think Disney is already working on snapping up the licensing and trying to get a Happy Meal deal finalized with McDonalds. You can collect all eight of them!

Gee, I hope it’s PC for me to say dwarf planet. Was I supposed to call it a ‘Little Planet?’ I know ‘Elf Planet’ is out as I’m sure ‘Gnome Planet’ and ‘Midget Planet’ are. Is calling Pluto an ‘Almost Planet’ acceptable? How about ‘The Little Planet That Was But Is Too Small To Be Anymore?’ Too wordy? OK, then I guess ‘Wannabe Planet’ isn’t appropriate either. We could call it the ‘Accidental Planet.’ Since Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto (yes, I’m that smart - - and thank you Wikipedia, by the way), perhaps Pluto should now be called ‘Tombaugh’s Folly.’ That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

If we are so concerned with reclassifying planets, shouldn’t we pay some attention to both Jupiter and Saturn? Each of them is very unique. Let’s take Jupiter for instance. It is the biggest planet in our solar system and should be reclassified to represent that fact. When compared to Earth, Mars or Venus, Jupiter is just plain huge. If you ask me, Jupiter is an ‘Obese Planet.’ Is ‘obese’ ok to use? I know it’s hard when everyone turns on the television or telescope or observatory and sees the beautiful Earth. Then they all feel that every planet should be compared to earth’s alluring curves. Let’s be serious though, Earth is a model that not everyone can live up to. Many planets need to be comfortable with their own size and craters and stop viewing Earth as the standard instead of the exception. Perhaps we should stop making such a big deal out of Earth so that the other planets don’t get a complex.

That brings me to Saturn. I don’t want to state the obvious, but Saturn is by far the richest of the planets. Can you think of another planet that sports its own jewelry? I mean seriously, how many rings does one planet really need? The worst part about it all is that Saturn is so cocky about its appearance. Rumor has it that when all the planets get together around the Sun that they sing ‘You’re So Vain’ about Saturn after it leaves. Yes, it’s cruel, but until Saturn learns to be a little more humble about its wealth, the jealousy and spite are just going to continue.

Saturn should really learn a few lessons from Mars. Ahh, Mars. It’s the planet that is thought of so highly that we used to fear it. I mean we think we jut found evidence of a shoreline on Mars, we keep sending rovers there and hope to visit it one day. If a planet were ever going to get a big head, or hemisphere, Mars would be it. But nooooooo (said in my best Steve Martin impersonation), Mars has remained ever humble. Next to Earth, Mars has more bragging rights than anyone, but it doesn’t get all flashy or complain about its classification. Then again, neither does Neptune, but really, who cares about Neptune? It just sits out there and has nothing special to offer. Who ever thought of naming a planet after the sea? Neptune is so disappointing. In fact, we should just reclassify Neptune as an underachiever. It’s not like it gave us a superhero or anything like Krypton did…

The planet we should really be concerned about is not Pluto, it’s Uranus (no, not yours. Get it? Ha, Ha. I said Uranus). If ever a planet had reason to be self-conscious, it’s Uranus. The poor planet has been, well, the butt of more jokes (here we go again if you read Tuesday’s post) than any other celestial body. I pity Uranus. It’s small, unattractive and always gets dumped on. So go ahead and cry for Pluto’s disappearance as a planet if you want, but it’s really Uranus that I worry about being wiped away.