That Was The Greatest Staff Meeting, EVER!!!

I may have alluded to this throughout the week, but I had my big upper management staff meeting today where we had to essentially justify our existence. My fellow bloggers gave me a lot of great ideas to use to get through the meeting and now that it’s over, I have to say IT WAS THE BEST STAFF MEETING EVER!! Let’s put it this way, my boss gave me several looks throughout the meeting that essentially said ‘you’ll be blogging about this, won’t you.’ Rest assured I gave him the ‘you bet your behind’ look back several times.

The meeting started off innocently enough. My fellow prankster coworker and I had been debating all week whether to speak like pirates or gangstas through the meeting. In fact, we spent the majority of yesterday practicing both methods. A bet was even placed that I would slip the phrase ‘walk the plank’ into my presentation.

Having worked with this particular upper manager before, I kind of knew what to expect, but all of my coworkers did not. The tone of the meeting was set early when Female Coworker was asked what client keeps her up at night worrying. I answered the question for her and Upper Manager stopped me and asked Female Coworker ‘what’s the deal, are you sleeping with Michael?’ I began choking on my coffee and everyone else’s mouth hit the floor. Then we all laughed. It kind of opened the floodgates of inappropriateness. Seriously, have you ever heard an Upper Manager make accusations of a coworker’s sleep partners? I wonder how our HR department would feel about that. Actually, after the many meetings I have had with them, I know the answer…

Then came the moment when Upper Manager said, ‘OK Female Coworker, since you’re sleeping with Michael, who keeps him up at night worrying?’ Female coworker answered the wrong client. Upper Manager then made a comment about how I had been lying to Female Coworker in bed. I tried to regain control of the situation and explained that I had lied to Female Coworker so she would let me get some sleep last night…AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT!!!. My friends, I had tested the waters of office rudeness and let me tell you, they were very, very warm. For the rest of the meeting, Female Coworker was asked what each male coworker said about their clients while in bed with her. It was almost surreal and I really did think I was being tested. I’d like to think I lived up to the expectations that had been set.

When In The Office Two Days A Week Guy began his presentation by stating he was not much for metrics and numbers, we all listened as he read off his stats for a few minutes. I then asked him sarcastically when he was going to get to the metrics. Upper Manager did not laugh. Then New Guy began his presentation by handing Upper Manager highlighted spreadsheets detailing his performance. Immediately and collectively, everyone rolled their eyes. I was almost driven to tears by this display of eye-rolling teamwork and camaraderie. It was totally a Dwight Schrute thing to do and New Guy will now forever be called Schrute by those of us who will remember his actions from this day forward. Since rude and crude was now acceptable, I offered him my lip balm as he wrapped up his presentation. New Guy may not have appreciated it, but everyone else sure did.

Then came to moment we were all waiting for. It was Mr. Socially Oblivious’ turn to justify his job. And boy did he. He took a cell phone call while Upper Manager was asking him a question, cussed like a Catholic boy whose parents are out of town and kept biting his fingernails. We all smiled knowing that we could not have scripted it any better. And please keep in mind this is the same guy that when he saw his secretary at the donut shop this morning, told her it looked like she was getting fat. When our other secretary told him last week that she was pregnant, he responded with ‘again?’ I could go on, but I don’t want to bias you. When he referred to one of his lady clients as being ‘Very Female,’ we all lost it. Do I really need to tell you that for the remainder of the day, everything we described was described as being ‘Very Female?’ Even lunch. My quesadilla was ‘Very Female,’ as was my boss’ salad and the waitress who served them to us. Seriously, all Mr. Socially Oblivious skipped doing was simulating the size of the woman’s chest with his arms. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever given someone a more appropriate nickname than Mr. Socially Oblivious.

Well, that was our staff meeting in a nutshell. It featured all the things that make entertainment captivating. It had sex, adult content, bravery, betrayal, tension and a cast working towards a common goal. Unfortunately, I did lose the bet about working the phrase ‘walk the plank’ into the meeting. I did however explain what ‘gangstas’ and pirates have in common…they both like booty. AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT!!!!! Maybe this place isn’t so bad after all…

Did I just say that out loud? What is happening to me…?