When Good Meets Bad

I was really hoping someone with an odd last name would do something dumb last night or this morning. Unfortunately, they didn’t and now I’m left trying to write something entertaining or that I feel measures up to the fun I had with yesterday’s post. I’m pretty sure I would have had a good post for you today, but the center of my world’s gravity was yanked several hundred feet in the wrong direction earlier today.

No, don’t worry. It wasn’t a death in the family or a new scratch on my BBQ. Although to be honest, both of those things would have been easier to deal with. My favorite NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr. announced today that he was joining the same team that Jeff Gordon is on. Now I know I just heard the sound of everyone reading this clicking to another blog, but I’ll continue anyway.

See, here’s the deal (and some of you may have already picked up on this before), I HATE JEFF GORDON. He is my nemesis, my archrival and my sworn enemy until death. Now does he know this? I think he might, I mean I’ve yelled some very mean things to him while at the race track before. I think he may have been able to hear the insults I have hurled towards him from only 48 rows and several hundred feet away. I know that the family in the 47th row whose wife says I ‘offended her and her young daughter with my profanity laced horrible tirade’ heard me. At least that’s what her really big and mean husband told me. Yeah, I think Mr. Gordon knows he’s my sworn enemy.

So now, I am faced with the dilemma of rooting for my favorite driver even though he is a teammate of the man who I dislike among all others. Well, almost all others. There have been some pretty bad men down through the ages…but none of them drove the #24 car. In fact, I dislike Gordon so much that I have always made it a rule to also strongly dislike anyone who happens to become his teammate. Unfortunately, that now includes Dale Jr. Trust me, I am not alone in this sentiment. Every time Jeff Gordon beats Dale Earnhardt, Junior’s fans throw beer cans and other things from the stands at Gordon’s car. While I would never do such a thing, I wonder how that’s going to work now that they are teammates.

I feel like I have walked through a black hole and emerged in a world that is a photographic negative of itself or where all the pieces don’t fit. In this new world, the giraffe has no neck, people are paying money to put OJ Simpson back in jail and Paris Hilton works as a maid in her family’s hotel chain. Since my mom is a teacher, I should probably also add something like ‘in the new world, sports stars are paid minimum wage and teachers are millionaire celebrities.’ There mom, are ya happy? Can I go back to being a sports fan again?

This new world will take some getting used to for me. It’s like we didn’t fight the Germans in World War II and Rachael Ray only has three shows on the Food Network. I feel like I’m already getting lost. I haven’t checked yet, but something tells me that in the new world, there will now only be a Law and Order on TV every OTHER hour. I just turned on the radio and was startled to hear that Jeremiah was NOT a bullfrog (or a good friend of mine) and one is no longer the loneliest number. It seems that in this new world where everything impossible has become strangely possible, I don’t kill plants anymore. It’s the weirdest thing. All of the plants and flowers around the house are suddenly growing and thriving. I also seem to be in charge of Lucy and Ethel again instead of them being in charge of me. Boy, I’m getting really dizzy with all of this.

Despite what I have seen so far, I want my old world back where it was good vs. bad instead of good joins bad so good can win races and championships. I know something is definitely wrong because I didn’t feel well enough to go to work today and I actually found myself missing the padded walls of my cubicle.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!