Take My Kids, Please.

Until the last few months, I never realized there were so many wonderful holidays out there just waiting to be noticed and celebrated. For you today, I present the latest holiday that Hallmark Forgot. Today is ‘Please Take My Children To Work Day.’ I want to make sure you understood today’s holiday correctly. It’s not ‘May I Take My Kids To Work Day,’ it’s more like a plea to take my children to your place of business.

Upon doing a little more research, which I really, really hate doing; the holiday is actually designed to be a day off for stay at home moms. That would have been one of my first guesses. My other guess is that it was a day created out of spite and revenge. There are several people I can think of that I would like to send Lucy and Ethel to work with just to get even with them. Granted, half of them are in my office, so I can’t do that because it would be just like ‘Take Your Kids To Work Day,’ which is just another way of getting out of paying for high-priced daycare.

If I was ever successful in sending my kids to work with someone, that person would be fired for the lowest ever productivity. It’s also a safe bet that they rank low on the list of people I like. Taking my girls anywhere is equivalent to torture in many war torn countries. Let’s just assume for a second that they were taken to someone’s office for the day. The unlucky person (we’ll call that person Employee X for short) would figure out pretty early on that they bit off way more than they can chew. It would start on the car ride into the office. First, the twins would point out that driving anywhere is sing along time and that Employee X had not selected the correct music, was driving too slow and that the way they are traveling is most certainly not the way to Daddy’s office. They may also say something about a dish that has been missing for two weeks and that it was actually broken by their father and not lost, but hopefully Employee X would choose to ignore it. And that folks is all before they even get to work.

I could detail what the rest of the day would be like, but I think you get the idea. Just imagine being asked why about everything you do and then being told you’re wrong when you answer them. It may be selfish, but I don’t think I would want to take anyone else’s kids to work with me either. It would ruin the flow of my day. Yes, I’m the type of person who avoids the new guy at work because I don’t want to have to answer questions and be taken from my daily routine. I know I’m going to have to pay dearly for that one day when the Work Gods decide they have had enough. I’m sure it will involve our building’s maintenance people being gone, a backed up toilet and my boss giving me a plunger. Don’t get me wrong, I still say hello and everything and once the new guy is trained, I’m his best friend. It’s explaining why I do something the way I do it when I can’t stand doing it that bothers me. Yeah, I’ve got a plunger headed my way. I just know it.

Maybe there needs to be a ‘Do My Job For Me Day.’ It would be a great way for high school or college students to get some extra credit. They go to my office for the day and essentially do my job. I just wonder if I should have to be there for that. The upside is that students would be exposed to the working environment and the downside is that, well; students would be exposed to the working environment. OK, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

How about this one…‘Take Michael To Work With You Day.’ Yes, that’ll do. I’ll get to accompany you to your office and just sit with you all day. I might be good for getting coffee or making a few copies without jamming the machine and I promise not to ask many questions. I’ll try to be charming, I’ll make jokes, I’ll give dirty looks to your enemies and be buddy, buddy with your favorite coworkers. When you cuss about a project you are working on, I’ll cuss right along with you. I can help you with your office pranks and answer the phone while you slip away for a little while. I’ve also got a ton of funny cubicle references I can give you to impress your coworkers and I’d be more than happy to help you give your coworkers slightly insulting but descriptive nicknames. Oh, the fun we would have. I’ll even pay for lunch. I’ll be expensing it so you might get a call from my corporate accounting people, but I know you’ll cover for me.

So, now we just have to find an appropriate day to celebrate ‘Take Michael To Work With You Day.’ I don’t know what your schedule looks like, but I can be free almost any Monday through Friday, excluding holidays and days after I was up late or when a major project is due. And the day before a holiday. Oh, and the day after a holiday. Actually, days when new CDs are released are bad for me too as are nice weather days. You know what, never mind. You can just take my kids to work…please…