Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. Or Yesterday?

Well, I got behind in checking my daily list of (what some believe to be) holidays. It was brought to my attention that today is a special holiday and that I missed one heck of a holiday yesterday. I really am embarrassed. And I don’t mean embarrassed in the ‘really, I didn’t even notice I have two different colored socks on today’ type of way. Not that I do have on two different colored socks…at least not today. Besides, my difficulty in telling dark blue from black has been previously documented.

I am still kicking myself, and have been since last night, that I didn’t know until the end of yesterday that yesterday was…RECESS AT WORK DAY!!!!! It was the holiday I was put on this earth to observe (well, that and my birthday I guess) and I missed it. So, with a tear in my eye, sniff sniff, I will attempt to describe in vivid detail how I would have celebrated Recess at Work Day, the greatest holiday ever despite all the other holidays that I have already bestowed that same title upon. I can tell you first off that it would have involved a bell or a whistle, whichever was cheaper at the 99-cent store. Oh wait a minute; they both would have been 99 cents. Great, I could have purchased both! I would have shown up at work like I always do (no, I’m not talking about the late part) and would not have said a word to anyone about the big day. Then, at about 10:20 after my first three cups of coffee and tea, I would blow the whistles and ring the bell, while singing into the emergency/disaster megaphone that it was time to head outside.

As my coworkers sit around grumbling and mumbling about what is going on, I’d walk from office to office explaining that it was Recess at Work Day and I was commencing recess. 45 minutes later, when I’ve coerced everyone out into the parking lot, I would have lined everyone up against the wall and advised them that we were picking teams for Office Duty Dodgeball. How do you play Office Duty Dodgeball, you ask. Well, it’s a lot like regulation Dodgeball (I think, I’ve never read the regulations) with the exception that when you are hit by the ball, you have to complete the office tasks of the person who hit you with the ball. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? I’ll make New Guy and myself the team captains. Obviously, I would pick Female Coworker as my first pick. There is no way in the world I want her having an opportunity to throw a ball at me. I think she’s one of those athletes that play well angry. After the game, I’d pass out juice boxes, little plastic trophies and commemorative certificates. Then, we’d take a head count and file back into the office…until it was time for second recess…and a game of ‘Duck, Duck Do My Expense Report’…

Recess at Work Day will not be forgotten by me anytime soon, I assure you. Perhaps I’ll try to celebrate it next Friday when upper management comes to visit us. But enough about yesterday, let’s focus on today and something we still have the opportunity to celebrate. Today is both ‘Stupid Guy Thing Day’ and ‘Take Your Dog To Work Day.’ Now, it seems to me that bringing your dog to work would be a stupid guy thing to do, unless you are a woman. If that’s the case, please don’t be offended. Sadly, I can’t find any reference to this supposed stupid guy holiday on the interweb (but I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into it). Oh well, I guess we can’t celebrate. Sorry everyone…there must not be a Stupid Guy Thing Day.

Seriously, guys may do stupid things, ‘but do we really have to have a holiday to emphasize it?’ I have been waiting to use that quote from ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ for 347 posts now. My blogging career is finally complete. In fact, I feel so complete; I don’t even need to finish this blog post…

…but I will because I’ve already wasted 30 minutes of my time putting it together. What types of stupid things do guys do? Well, please feel free to reference my last 346 posts. That should about sum it up. What are a guy’s famous last words? ‘Hey, watch this.’ That was almost the last thing I ever uttered when attempting to light 7 fireworks at the same time one 4th of July. Fortunately it worked, so we successfully beat our record with 9 the following year. Sure it was a close call, but we all felt so patriotic afterwards.

I don’t speak for all men, but most of the stupid guy things I do originate from my mouth. Sure, putting my body through some type of physical stunt is stupid, but so is having a conversation with a female while not paying attention. I have done this many, many times. I predict that with a few more tries, I might catch on. I have also heard more than my fair share of females call my obsession with NASCAR Racing as it being ‘a stupid guy thing.’ IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED A RECREATIONAL HOBBY PEOPLE! Just like watching sports on TV or trying to weed whack as closely as possible around the brand new flowers that were planted in the backyard without shredding them. I’m still working on perfecting that. Another stupid guy thing? Blaming the dog or the twins for the ruined flowers. Poor Mabel, that dog is the best friend a stupid guy could have and I mercilessly put the blame on her. Maybe I should have taken her to work with me today to make up for it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the boss is gone today and I am going to try to see if I can jump over my cubical wall by leaping off my desk. I’ll call it Office High Jumping. Hey everybody, watch this…