The Graduate (Times 2)

Well I can’t believe it’s finally here. Lucy and Ethel graduate tomorrow. No, don’t worry, this isn’t a bad sitcom where the new baby ages 4-6 years during the show’s summer hiatus. They are graduating from preschool. I have no idea what that means, but I do know it’s important enough that me wearing shorts to the event has already been questioned. To help explain how important this is, I can tell you that when I can’t wear shorts to something, it usually means someone has died or gotten married, but rarely both at the same time.

I am almost interested in what the commencement ceremony is like for a bunch of giggly 4 years olds who can’t yet manage the volume of their voices. Will there be a procession? Will there be a commencement address delivered by someone? Since all the graduates are four, will it be someone like Barney, Big Bird or even the Wiggles? Man, I hope it’s not a clown that will talk down to the kids in the hope of entertaining them. Well, that and the fact that clowns scare me, except Ronald McDonald. I have been conditioned to expect a Big Mac when I see Ronald McDonald and that makes me happy.

I also hope there won’t be a valedictorian. I can just imagine having to listen to a well-rehearsed five-minute speech given by the smartest kid in the preschool. You know the type of kid I’m talking about. He (or she) is the one that can already tie his (or her) shoes, has stopped picking his (or her) nose, understands geometry and has read War and Peace. All of the mothers in the audience will be commenting how cute the youngster is and all the men will be making hand motions to the other men saying things like ‘can you believe this kid?’

Since you really can’t give a four year old a car for their graduation, we chose the next best thing: a bounce house. I’m sure they’ll be excited about it but let’s be honest here, with a weight capacity of 300 pounds; it’s more than enough for me to be able to get in there with them, not that I’ll need their invitation to. Within a week, they’ll be begging me to get out of it so they can get into with their little friends. Something tells me they’ll grow up to be the type of teenagers that are too embarrassed to bring their friends over to the house. I mean seriously, I paid for that bounce house. I’m just letting them use it.

All of this talk of graduation has me remembering my high school graduation. It never really turned out the way I expected. Sure there was the diploma and good-byes to friends I haven’t seen since, but there was something missing. There was no Anne Bancroft, me breaking up my true love’s wedding or an escape in a school bus. Come to think of it, I went that entire day without hearing Simon or Garfunkel. I didn’t even attend the big drunken post graduation bash because some friends and I were getting up early to go surfing the following day. The fact that there were five of us and only one surfboard is completely inconsequential. We have still chosen to call ourselves surfers.

So now, the twins enter public school. They’ve already grown so fast and before I know it, they’ll be graduating from real high school (as opposed to the one portrayed in High School Musical). I have no idea how I am going to prepare financially for that, especially since no one is yet making the movie version of Full House. I’m still holding out the hope that it’ll be made within the next 2 years while Lucy and Ethel can still play Michelle Tanner as she was in the last few years of the show. Actually, buying my next house, car and the boat I have always wanted hinge on the making of that movie too.

I am so concerned that I won’t be able to pay for double the college tuition in 13 years that I have resorted to giving Lucy and Ethel subliminal messages. I know it’s wrong, but I whisper the words ‘marry rich’ into their ears as they sleep each night. It must be working, because everyone says they’ve been asking what a karat is lately.